DH & Stag Do

[AnotherAnonAgain]

I’m going to start by saying I know IABU. Posted here more for traffic.

DH told me at the weekend that the stag do, the wedding he is best man at, will be abroad for 3 nights and 4 days. We have two children a two 1/2 year old and a 4 week old.

By the time the event arrives, toddler will be almost 3 and baby will be 6 months. We are a great team one of us will cook while the other play with the children and then we will do bedtime together.

I can’t be the first person in this situation I’ve read posts where people have DH in the army and I’m sure other mumsnetters DH have been away. Also there will be lots of single mums so I know I’m being silly getting all worked up about this. Can someone please calm my nerves and tell me how you juggled tea time and bedtime with two so young.

With respect that is a very naive response.

So your actual point is that OP’s husband is not a good husband and father because he is the type of guy who would go on a stag do and do the things you are imagining in your head men do on a stag do. That’s really what you are saying?

You are right that imo a good dad would not want to go off on a bender for 4 days leaving a six month old baby and a young child yes.

I am not imaging the things that go on as regards the stag dos: you obviously haven't read the many threads on MN or reddit on the subject of stag dos.
Or looked at the stag do planning sites. Or read newspaper reports about the unacceptable behaviour of men on stag dos - many cities are going down the route of actively discouraging stag parties from visiting there because of the disgusting behaviour of, sad to say, quite often British men on stag dos

@AnotherAnonAgain if I were you I’d stop this thread now as you were asking for your nerves to be calmed about looking after your young children alone while your husband was away. It’s descended into a debate on stag do’s which isn’t helpful at all especially since you made no mention about being worried about the type of do! Repost nearer the time if needs be but hopefully some of the more helpful answers can reassure you. Best of luck, I’m sure by the time the event comes around you’ll all have settled into some sort of normal and a few nights alone won’t be as daunting. It’s a great time to relax any rules!

Exactly! That’s my husband and his mates standard stag do too! They go climbing and drink beer. They don’t really go to the sort of places where strippers etc are prevalent.

Huh? I don't get it. You give them tea, then put them to bed. If it doesn't go like clockwork, it doesn't matter.

I bought mine up as a single mum with no family nearby and worked full time and managed just fine so I'm sure you will be ok.
Coping is a mindset - nothing else.
Its harder when you are used to having someone else around all the time. I'm sure you will find you do really well.

@Chameleonchange I think if your opinion is based entirely on what you read on mumsnet, reddit and the newspapers it's not a surprise that your views are so limited and so stringent. I have formed my opinion and views from the real world where men are not automatically the lying and cheating bastards purely because they go on a stag do. And poor OP...how would she cope of she left her sleazy husband for going on a stag do...she can't seem to be able to look after her two kids for 3 days, how would she do it permanently? Honestly, you really have all men pigeonholed and stereotyped so well. I think you have derailed OPs thread significantly at this stage (and so have I to be fair)...I will leave you to it.

A 6 month old is very different to a newborn. You will cope.

When I was at uni in the early 00s I worked in a club that was available for private hire and, even though I thought I was pretty worldly wise by that point, fucking hell the stuff I saw going on at some of the hen dos was...quite an education. So the idea that men have a monopoly on being a bit base and that all women want to do on a hen is take afternoon tea and discuss the bible before gettting an early night...not buying it.

You’d only get help from the women in your family?

It’s three days. My husband works away loads and always has done- it’s harder work with small children but absolutely fine, you just get on with it. Many parents do it by themselves 100% of the time so I’m sure it can be managed for a weekend.

There are many stay dos that are just a couple of pints and outdoor activities. The last one my husband went on was in the arse end of nowhere in Scotland with a lot of hiking and beer in country pubs. The difference is that people are not posting about those stag dos online because they’re not problematic. Only the chaotic ones are mentioned.

You will be fine.
My husband left to work abroad for a year when our 3rd baby was 6 weeks old. I had no family in the country I was living in.
I wore youngest baby a lot in the sling so he could nap in there and I could breastfeed him all day long.
at bedtime I waited until everybody was very tired rather than sticking rigidly to a time. Then we’d all go upstairs together we’d do teeth and pjs. Then everyone gets into my massive superking bed. Baby on my chest. Either asleep or breastfeeding. One older child either side of me cuddles in. So everyone gets a snuggle. Then I read 2-3stories. Then big lights off, twinkly lights on.
I sing a lullaby or if I’m too exhausted I play one one on the speaker. When everyone is asleep I lift out the two older children and put them in a big double bed together in the next bedroom. Then I bedshare and breastfeed with my small baby all night, so I don’t have to get out of my own bed at all. If the older children need or want me overnight they can potter back in no problem. If my small baby is too tired at bedtime to wait for the other two I just pop him in pjs and into the sling so he naps in my chest until everybody is ready to go upstairs, and nobody is left alone.
good luck !

Did he tell you and now you are working out exactly how to cope whilst he just goes because that is not on

or did he ask you discuss felt it was important to him and you are working out way together to make it work particularly to give you time to recover after

Christ there are some controlling women on this thread. Either controlling or inept.

Well I agree with you here that an activity based stag do and a few beers is a totally different thing.

To recover after?! Where is the resilience these days?! It’s 4 days with her own kids in her own house?!

That is the way stag parties are planned, most are planned by the bride to be.
Some of these comments are hilarious. Women are a strong resilient human being, you’ll be fine OP.

What working out do you need to make it work? Yea, of course it’s more work doing it alone but it’s not like he’s going for a year. It’s literally just a couple of days. I’d laugh if I went away for a few days and my husband wanted to talk through how to parent without me.

So can we agree then that not all men in relationships who go on stag do’s are shit husbands and fathers?

Edited to remove a double negative.

It sounds very intimidating, but you'll be in a much different position with the two of yours by the time the trip rolls around.

Mine went on a boys trip for the same length of time when our DC were the same age. Honestly it was easier without him there, even though he's a very involved dad!

He meal prepped lunches and dinners before he left, and tidied the house to set me up for success. I lowered expectations, and allowed TV while I got ready every morning. Plenty of bribed snacks, and tea time was toast and yoghurt if I didn't want to fight over vegetables. Bathed them earlier in the day so I didn't have to do that with sundown scaries. Told my eldest I was trying my best, and asked him to try his best too.

Both ended up in the bed with me, but I had baby on one side and toddler on the other, with bed rails.

It was actually a lovely little time just the three of us.

You don’t even know what this stag do involves, so I was just wondering why you would assume it’s a drinking/cheating fest?

I am also not friends with men who think it’s in anyway normal to cheat on a stag do, which makes me wonder why this is your automatic assumption?

The stag dos my friends have recently been on included a three day hiking/camping trip, a golf weekend, a rented cottage in the country. They all admittedly involved drinking though.

It’s just like going away for a weekend with friends. I’ve done that a few times and left the children in the capable hands of their father. Didn’t realise I was such a crap parent!!

I honestly know very few people who have both parents around for every bed time, my DH was still at work at that time. My mum used to help when they we newborn but by 6 months I definitely dont think it should be a problem.

DH would have managed also, it definitely shouldn't be a one way street!

I would have to question some posters saying they need substantial help to look after a toddler and 6 month old. Surely if that was the case there was more to the situation.

@Chameleonchange do you also disapprove of the same format for Hen weekends? or is it just the mens who can't be trusted?

@AnotherAnonAgain I bloody love it when my husband goes away, the last one of these stag weekends he went on was 4 nights of golf (and yes drinking and clubs too) he also goes skiing and snowboarding on them too, not my idea of fun but I have also done 3/4 night holidays to Marbella and Benidorm since having kids (never shagged about though sorry to disappoint PP, but yes have enjoyed the cocktails)

I ensure to have the few days he's away also booked off work (or part of it) just to have some time alone while the kids go to school/nursery, easy teas (which the children are happy with) omelettes, bolognese etc, bath them both together, read stories with them both together and sit with big while holding baby as they both doze off. Then into a hot bubble bath for me and an early night too - fabulous!

The judgement on this thread for men who might want a few days away from the wife and family is unreal. Not all men are terrible dads and fathers and it's quite normal for them (and women) to enjoy time away for stag/hens and just time to socialise.
I can imagine if this was a father posting that he would be getting absolutely slaughtered and told of course the wife can and should go away.....the double standards are unreal.
OP - it won't necessarily be easy but you will be able to manage and lots of others have given good suggestions to make it easier too.