Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Surely he's just had a 20k pay rise so he can clear his debt in six months?

If he's earning 85k he'll have it paid off in no time surely?

OP you are far too anxious about this for a grown man you have no financial risk being attached to. You do need to end the relationship, this is a big problem for you and you can’t live with it.

you'll fall into the trap of trying to manage it for him, it won’t work and it will cause you stress and exhaustion.

I think a lot of people have some debt and £9k isn’t SO bad. As long as you don’t tie yourself to him financially like signing a joint tenancy agreement or a mortgage and you don’t give him money, why is it that big of a deal? He will be able to clear it quickly now he’s on £20k more per year surely?

For those saying he will be able to clear it soon, that is what I hoped too but he doesn't seem to have been able to. He has a big mortgage - 1700 a month and London expenses of bills etc etc. But I would still be able to live on that - however I think he had got himself into a situation where all earnings went into overdraft. He also said he had to pay 2 friends off, which he has now done.

Seems abit of an overreaction on your part. I mean it’s not great but not that bad taking into account his salary.

It’s not the debt that’s the problem, it’s his ability / willingness to pay it off, that’s important.

Most people have debt of one kind or another, it’s the world we live in.

It’s his issue to manage, not yours. You are not his Banker, or his Rescuer.

For me it is also about his covering it up and saying the debt was smaller than it is - though he did admit it eventually. I also told him clearly last year that if he did not take steps to sort it out I would leave, so I don't know why it all moved in the wrong direction. I feel like I am breaking his heart but I also want him to realise the impact and worry it has caused me too. I want to be able to build a future with someone - not sure about kids - but I worry that his irresponsible traits will cause problems in the future? But maybe I am making too big a deal of it.

Stop mothering him. His debt is tiny vs his income, he could clear that in no time. It isn’t your responsibility to clear or ask about. You have advised him, now it is up to him.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone so disorganised about his finances.

What if you get pregnant by him, and you need to take time off to enjoy the baby, how will you cope?

I wouldn't wish to be with anyone who had debt, but he does have the means to pay it - but equally I wouldn't want to be with soneone has controlling and smothering as you are, in such a short term relationship.

To be clear, I realise he has a good salary but he has zero money at the end of every month - he says he is just 'trying to survive.' So we cannot go on holiday or do anything without it pushing him into more debt and I find it hard to understand why on that salary he cannot control it more.

He lied. Numerous times. He isn't trust worthy. He lied when he didn't need to, he could have just been honest as it's his money.
9 months later and he's made no effort to actually pay off the debt and it's the number is now 7 times the original amount.
He lives above his means, had a £20,000 pay rise... so he'll be just about living in his means now.
I'm sorry, trust has been repeatedly broken. You were very honest about your feelings about debt and money. How can you now combine your lives and finances?
It would be done for me.

I really think you are making too much of this. However, it clearly is a big deal for you so you either have to leave him to sort his own finances or leave the realtionship.

This is a big sticking point for you, so you need to end things. Its will cause both of you too much hassle. You, the fear of what yoyr dad did, him feeling controlled about a small amount of debt compared to his earnings. In reality theres no way you can go forward, because if yoy are genuinely concerned then you cannot put yourself in a position where you are financially linked to him. You cant eventually join the mortgage, or even set up a joint account, without being linked to him. And that will cause you too much stress. So theres no future here with him.

End the relationship. I get what type of person you are. I can be like that sometimes. You’ll do your head in trying to understand the Why and trying to control the situation. If it was a longer term relationship I wouldn’t say it’s a deal breaker but for this one it probably is.

It's not just the debt it's the lies and inability to prioritise the debt.
His attitude would give me the serious ick and I would end the relationship.

I agree with you OP. Even if you ‘made him’ clear it in 6 months, most likely he would just go straight back into it! I wouldn’t bother carrying on into a potential position where you’re tied together.

Run for the hills.

Seriously, you are not his mum to try to sort out his finances and, his attitude to money is a complete mismatch to your attitude. Just reading your OP stressed me out as I am more like you. I know I could not handle his attitude long term (he will always be like this), can you?

I have seen first hand what inability to manage money does to a household so feel strongly about it.
So apparently have you.
So you know you should run for the hills.

There is ZERO chance I would stay in this relationship.

He has debt he shouldn't have.
He didnt tell you about it, you found out.
He then lied about it and said it was paid.
He earns good money but still hasn't been able to manage his finances such that its repaid and its now even higher.

On 60k he should have never had this debt and should have decent savings and a deposit saved.

Even if you clear this for him by "making him" repay it. Its going to get run up again and high earners get more credit...

I dont want a life of misery.
I dont want to always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I dont want a life partner I cant have kids with because I couldn't trust them or rely on them..

You need to ask yourself: Why do you want these things?

You're his girlfriend, not his Mummy.

If you’re not living together I don’t really think it’s your business to get so involved in your boyfriend’s finances. Debt is a way of life for many people , and £9,000 isn’t very high.

He does own his flat and pays the mortgage to that.

If I understand correctly, he doesn’t actually have anything to show for this debt which, whilst not massive, shows that he is incapable of managing his finances. Someone who simply fritters away his money is not a good long term prospect.

Presumably he has no savings and investments, but what about pensions?