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Original poster

Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

368 replies

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
LividArse · 08/02/2026 20:43

You're too involved and will end up mothering him.

This is like alcohol or gambling - you can't change him because despite what his words might say, his actions say he doesn't want to change.

You're fundamentally incompatible. Cut your losses.

Frugalgal · 08/02/2026 20:43

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

On a salary like that with no vices like drugs or gambling he must be spending a little of money on something? Designer clothes or expensive car? Fancy watches?

JerryJacksonitsroughoutthereNsoul · 08/02/2026 20:43

Aqua credit card isn't that a high interest one?
I'd be wondering if the lower rate ones have knocked him back credit ratings etc.
Op you're probably better moving on.

pinkmustard · 08/02/2026 20:43

He has a fine new salary to be able to pay that off quickly BUT he’ll need to radically change his attitude towards his spending if this is indeed all just lifestyle creep. If he isn’t willing to do that the debt will just go up and up (and I say this from
personal experience). It isn’t up to you to fix this, it’s on him.

Minnie798 · 08/02/2026 20:45

You've been seeing each other for a year and you don't live together.
I wouldn't have even shared what my salary is at this stage, never mind what I spend it on or whether I have credit card or not.
9k debt isn't a lot and on an 85k salary, is perfectly manageable. He's also a home owner. Honestly, I wouldn't feel sad or sorry in this situation, why does he?

HelenaWilson · 08/02/2026 20:45

Surely he's just had a 20k pay rise so he can clear his debt in six months?

He can. But will he?

it is absolutely none of your business.

OP says he has no money left at the end of the month so they can't plan a holiday or do anything. I'd say that was her business.

OP, I'd end it. If he's in debt just through living beyond his means, you'll always be worrying about his spending and your life will be restricted because he can't afford things you want to do.

User79853257976 · 08/02/2026 20:46

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:57

To be clear, I realise he has a good salary but he has zero money at the end of every month - he says he is just 'trying to survive.' So we cannot go on holiday or do anything without it pushing him into more debt and I find it hard to understand why on that salary he cannot control it more.

It’s the high mortgage payment. That might’ve increased by a significant amount like a lot of people’s did. He should be okay on the 85k now but that’s why he’s got no money left each month/has used overdrafts. He shouldn’t have lied but I suppose it’s private and are you even living together?

MNLurker1345 · 08/02/2026 20:47

OP, you have seen the bank statements. Is he making regular cash withdrawals?

User79853257976 · 08/02/2026 20:49

Frugalgal · 08/02/2026 20:43

On a salary like that with no vices like drugs or gambling he must be spending a little of money on something? Designer clothes or expensive car? Fancy watches?

Show quote history

He is only just started the 85k job. 65k with a 1700 a month mortgage is very tight.

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 08/02/2026 20:49

I'd end it just on the basis of him being a liar.

Original poster
SG1301 · 08/02/2026 20:51

Thanks everyone. It is quite baffling to me too. I don't think I am a controlling partner - it is only a year but it does feel like a serious relationship and we are older so I think that's why you have these chats. I mainly wanted to see his accounts to try to help him and to check if it was gambling or a bigger lie. The one thing he says is that he drinks too much and when I looked the payments are all just things like shops and small amounts, nothing stood out. He has no car, he can't drive as lives in London so you don't really need to. He had been spending money on subscriptions like BT Sport which I told him to cancel and he has. I am not naive and I know there is a risk he is lying but I can't see what about and he seems pretty genuine. He smokes so those are expensive. But yes, agree that on his salary it all is manageable, but the issue is he's in the classic debt cycle of the payments being absorbed via interest. He asked the bank for a loan to help but they have said no for now and that he has to go back in another few months once they have seen his current salary continue. I have seen the emails showing him the job, I do not think any of that is not true. It seems to me like just a year or so of not living within means and he says he had been burying head in sand. I care about him so am trying to help him. I have said I cannot be with him romantically right now, but want to help him feel better as I care. I am not trying to threaten him per se but I suppose I am worried he doesn't see this for the issue that it is so want to kick him into gear a bit, for his own sake too! He says he wakes up panicking about it and I have seen the anxiety it causes him so I do think he wants to sort it but somehow seems incapable of thus far, hence my recent decision. But I do wonder if the new job will be the start of better things. I also realise the Aqua card is a bad sign and that concerns me too.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 08/02/2026 20:52

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:50

For those saying he will be able to clear it soon, that is what I hoped too but he doesn't seem to have been able to. He has a big mortgage - 1700 a month and London expenses of bills etc etc. But I would still be able to live on that - however I think he had got himself into a situation where all earnings went into overdraft. He also said he had to pay 2 friends off, which he has now done.

If you plan on a future together, imagine yourself in 5, 10 years from now, having all the mental load of his lack of financial discipline. It will be an ongoing cycle of promises from him, and the stress of going through his bank statements working out what he's been wasting his £85,000 on. And borrowing from 2 friends, really?

why do that to yourself, you're better off alone than having to put up with him.

ETA you're babying him, all this vexing about what he's up to, just leave him to it, you have no obligation to him.

Original poster
SG1301 · 08/02/2026 20:54

No I can't see cash withdrawals on the statements. But he said he owed someone £300, a friend, which he just paid back, and he owed another friend £2k which he paid back in instalments (she said it helped her business or something tax related). He is not hiding that from me and is very remorseful and sad but I worry that if I go back he will just end up in the same situation. The reason this came up was last year his card was declined for only £5 and then I realised there was an issue and asked qs about his salary etc to try to help and understand, not to pry. I didn't force him to show me anything but I asked and he agreed.

OP posts:
MeridaBrave · 08/02/2026 20:54

He’s earning £85k so should be able to clear it within months. I suggest you split up until he has cleared it.

fashionqueen0123 · 08/02/2026 20:57

£86k and he’s £9k on debt and owed money to friends?! What’s he doing! That’s ridiculous

Silverbirchleaf · 08/02/2026 20:58

The bank has refused a loan the only 9k? Thats serious. I suspect there’s more than 9k then. We got a loan for 9k years ago on a much lower salary.

If he’d brought a car etc, you could understand the debt, but he’s frittering it away. I wouldn’t like it either.

(and why is he borrowing if friends? That’s not a good sign either).

soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 20:59

Does he know how to use credit rating companies and keep an eye on that

Is he able to remortgage to pay off the debt, is he behind on mortgage payments

How does he shop and cook, is he eating out for lunch every day?

When did he stop smoking?

What led to the Aqua card in the first place, has he defaulted on debts before?

AngelinaFibres · 08/02/2026 20:59

TheCurious0range · 08/02/2026 19:47

Surely he's just had a 20k pay rise so he can clear his debt in six months?

Yes but it doesn't magically clear itself. He has to pay it down consistently. Sounds like he'll start spending up to his new balance. My exhusband was exactly like this. Money ran through his hands like water.

Thechaseison71 · 08/02/2026 21:00

Yennefer17 · 08/02/2026 20:20

You met a year ago, he doesn't owe you a full financial transparency.

Some people are married in that timescale, No idea why people are so sectretive about fonances

SleafordSods · 08/02/2026 21:00

I thought he had stopped smoking OP or was he lying about that too?

pinkmustard · 08/02/2026 21:01

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 20:51

Thanks everyone. It is quite baffling to me too. I don't think I am a controlling partner - it is only a year but it does feel like a serious relationship and we are older so I think that's why you have these chats. I mainly wanted to see his accounts to try to help him and to check if it was gambling or a bigger lie. The one thing he says is that he drinks too much and when I looked the payments are all just things like shops and small amounts, nothing stood out. He has no car, he can't drive as lives in London so you don't really need to. He had been spending money on subscriptions like BT Sport which I told him to cancel and he has. I am not naive and I know there is a risk he is lying but I can't see what about and he seems pretty genuine. He smokes so those are expensive. But yes, agree that on his salary it all is manageable, but the issue is he's in the classic debt cycle of the payments being absorbed via interest. He asked the bank for a loan to help but they have said no for now and that he has to go back in another few months once they have seen his current salary continue. I have seen the emails showing him the job, I do not think any of that is not true. It seems to me like just a year or so of not living within means and he says he had been burying head in sand. I care about him so am trying to help him. I have said I cannot be with him romantically right now, but want to help him feel better as I care. I am not trying to threaten him per se but I suppose I am worried he doesn't see this for the issue that it is so want to kick him into gear a bit, for his own sake too! He says he wakes up panicking about it and I have seen the anxiety it causes him so I do think he wants to sort it but somehow seems incapable of thus far, hence my recent decision. But I do wonder if the new job will be the start of better things. I also realise the Aqua card is a bad sign and that concerns me too.

A loan is a terrible idea, he needs to get it all on 0% balance transfer and overpay it until it’s gone.
It’s worrying he was turned down for a loan. It makes me suspicious there’s more than he’s letting on, his credit rating must be dreadful.

ScholesPanda · 08/02/2026 21:01

You have a completely different attitude to money and risk than him. You want to change him. He doesn't want to change.

It won't work. Break up.

Chattygirl123 · 08/02/2026 21:02

My ex husband was like this. In debt when I met him. I married him and tried to help him but to no avail. He got 10k off me in the divorce and wom 16k in the lottery. Spent it all and was back in debt. He won't change don't waste your life on him

Mumstheword1983 · 08/02/2026 21:03

Lmnop22 · 08/02/2026 19:49

I think a lot of people have some debt and £9k isn’t SO bad. As long as you don’t tie yourself to him financially like signing a joint tenancy agreement or a mortgage and you don’t give him money, why is it that big of a deal? He will be able to clear it quickly now he’s on £20k more per year surely?

This.

soupyspoon · 08/02/2026 21:03

pinkmustard · 08/02/2026 21:01

A loan is a terrible idea, he needs to get it all on 0% balance transfer and overpay it until it’s gone.
It’s worrying he was turned down for a loan. It makes me suspicious there’s more than he’s letting on, his credit rating must be dreadful.

Show quote history

He cant get a 0%, dont be daft. A loan would avoid the extremely high compound interest he is now incurring so thats the first step.