Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

OP says they can’t go on holiday as he’s paying the debt off.

How much can he be spending on food, clothes, leisure & Ubers?

Well i earn less than a quarter of that. Admittedly paid off mortgage so if i added the 20k he pays each year on it to my income it would bring me up to £36/37 k

And i manage fine including a longhaul trip each year

£9k is really not a big debt.
Trust he is the expert of his own process

You can be a nice person and not find it necessary to solve his problems/ save him/ organise his finances. If he is hopeless with money at 44 he has always been hopeless with money.
My exhusband was useless with money. He spent it on nothing substantial at all but the debts rose and rose. He left me for a 17 year old ( he was 30)who became his second wife when she was 29. They had totally separate finances and she was so much younger than him that she accepted his assertions that all was well financially. It wasn't. That marriage ended ( he and I had had 2 children. He and second wife had 1 child). He had embezzled hundreds of thousands , spent ALL of it and when he killed himself ( and our adult children had to deal with it all) he had personal debts of £ 96,000. A man who cannot manage money is not a man I would touch with a barge pole. Deeply, deeply unattractive.

You sound lovely and caring, but long term I think you’re incompatible. You sound like you’re sensible with money and on top of your finances whereas he seems to be clueless about where his lonely is going.

It’s also a bit of a red flag that he is on a very reasonable wage and can’t get a bank loan. Suggests he may have poor credit history or maybe other debts that you don’t know about.

While it’s technically not your business I don’t think I would be compatible with someone who earned so much and wasn’t able to sort it

I would be far more sympathetic to someone who was struggling on a very low salary

dh and I are very much on the same financial page and I think that’s so important in a relationship

that all being said it’s not a huge issue given his salary. All of us with a mortgage have some kind of debt.

You're incompatible.
He spends beyond his means and you don't.
He won't change and neither will you.
He will stress you and life will be miserable.
Ditch him asap.

He should be able to pay that off in a couple of months on that salary. Does he have a drink, drugs or gambling habit? He's 44 and not a penny to his name just debts? Something badly wrong dump him.

He had a bad break up because the woman who was there before you got sick of the fact that he's crap with money.

It’s one that people with terrible credit ratings tend to get, so I’d be wondering if there was more to this story honestly.

This.
walk away.
do not stay friends
cut ties
you have different attitudes to £££
both old enough to make your own decisions
he is not the man for you.

20k is 2/3 of a 30k income, which would be the equivalent of 56k on 85k income (or 43k on 65k income). That level of debt would make much more sense in this context.

OP has said he can’t go on holiday - so how much can he blow on M&S food?

Yes he clearly has shit credit and there must be a reason for that.

All sounds very odd. London is expensive but, come on, it's not that bad &, as someone else pointed out, it's not an £8 TV subscription that's causing his problems.

Are you sure he isn't gambling or that he doesn't have other debts he is servicing that you don't know about?
Given the salary and the mortgage you mention it just doesn't add up. If he was paying maintenance for kids from a previous relationship it would make more sense.
Be very wary, still doesn't sound like you have the full picture here

Debt as such isn’t necessarily a bad thing and the OPs reaction is perhaps a bit extreme but similar financial values are such an important part of a long term relationship, she’s not wrong to want out if she sees a very different outlook.

For what it’s worth, one of my old flatmates was high earning but with £50k plus debt, no mortgage or savings eg. He was gay so we’d have never been on a relationship but I couldn’t have ever been with someone with his attitude to money. It used to stress me out enough just living with him and seeing where the money was going while knowing he was fucked financially.

Honestly this isn’t going to get any better for either of you.

Just end it now.

Agreed. I’m a Londoner - it’s not Monaco!

You might suggest a 6 month break for him to sort out his finances and gets some help from Stepchange or similar. If you both want to be together after the break, he can show his bank statements from which you should be able to tell whether he has got a handle on reducing his debt. Or not. Some people are compulsive spenders and you will have a very difficult life if your partner has that particular problem.

He might not go on holiday now, perhaps he used to, who knows

How much can you blow on M+S stuff? I am the expert at this!!!

I think people hugely underestimate day to day excess spending on fairly mundane things, I was just making the point that when people are declaring 'there must be more to this' there really might not be. For me, I wasnt bothered either, so wouldnt have been trying to pay it down as such

On the other hand, yes he might be on coke and prostitutes. Difficult to say.

And (I speak from bitter experience) someone who has lied once about the level of debt they are in can do it again, and you may never be sure how much they really owe.

Listen you are clearly desperate to stay with this guy.

It's a lousy idea... you know that yourself.

Lets review the facts....

you say in your op you dont want a partner who cant manage money. Then when the debt manifested you stayed.

you gave a clear ultimatum you'd leave him if he didnt clear the debt.... the debt that he still hasnt cleared... and you didnt leave then either.

Instead you are on here hoping people tell you it's no big deal so you can square the circle.

It's your life ... do what you want but dont kid yourself.
You are signing up for a lifetime of misery and bad surprises with a man you can never fully trust who will let you down over and over again.

They’re always ‘remorseful and sad’ when they’ve caught lying. It means nothing.

Agree. Not being in debt is SO essential for you in a partner yet you’re still with this one. Your boundaries are poor and I think you should explore whether you’re just repeating the pattern you say you want to avoid

well I am not still with him, I said yesterday we were having a break.

I couldn’t live with someone with that large an income who can’t live within his means. His debt is increasing. I would be taking things very casually. Age 44 he should be putting money away. Is he paying for an expensive divorce