Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Is he using coke? Gambling? Or out socialising a lot - drinking etc? He needs to consolidate his debt on a low interest card. 9k is not much for the salary he’s on. There are long term low interest credit cards and he can pay a direct debit on pay day.

Especially since he has given up smoking…….

Exactly. My first thought is that he doesn’t own the flat or is about to get it repossessed.

It would be a no from me, especially if you want to have children at some point. I would also worry if he has addiction to gambling or substances.
I understand that the salary while substantial doesn't go as far in London as elsewhere, but he shouldn't be living hand to mouth each month. New salary will be nearly 5k a month. Did you .manage to figure out where all the money goes when you went through the figures? Is the flat service charge very high?

I’d just dump him. You’ve seen it with your mum and it’s not what you want for yourself. If at 44 he’s that bad with money he won’t change.

This would be a big deal for me. Dp if I’m honest has some issues with money but he is capable enough and I’m happy with the outcome. Someone on £85k who has no savings, debt and lies about how much? You don’t actually have to live with that.

He will need to pay 40% tax on those 20k....

I haven’t read all the posts but what I’ve seen so far is people saying his debt isn’t too bad. It isn’t but it’s the fact that you’ve said you don’t want to be with someone in debt and he’s disregarded that. He has the ways and means to get out of it and he hasn’t. This shows financial irresponsibility that you don’t want in a partner. You’ve given him ultimatum and he’s ignored it, that’s your worries and concerns he’s ignored. He doesn’t see it as a problem but you do. My advice is to leave, where is your future if he can’t control his spending and you can.

So his debt was more than 9k?

I don't think £9k is that much in terms of savings or debt. Not exactly going bankrupt is he... He's on a decent wage and it doesn't sound like he's defaulted or got CCJs?

It's really common for people to stick their head in the sand with debts. Doesn't make him a terrible person. Just a bit daft.

You're entitled to take a break while he sorts it out if it's a character priority for you. Once he's paid it back, I imagine he'll be more careful.

hopefully not over stepping here, but did he feel he needed to minimise his issue because he felt you would judge him?

sometimes people just find it hard to talk or give full disclosure due attitudes of the people they are trying to talk to.

not saying you have been judgy etc but living single in London, managing a social life, bill etc, maybe its just snowballed for him.

Maybe not but honesty is to be expected.

In your place, I'd walk away. The amount that he owns is significant, particularly when he has a good wage, but simply seems to be incapable of budgeting.

You don't want to be sucked into his problems.

I have seen his payments - he does earn what he says.

What is his new job?

@SG1301 are you hoping to scare him into action by threatening a ‘break’ repeatedly?

His take home pay is in the ballpark of 5k a month, his mortgage is £1,700, of course he's got bills and other things to pay, but he should have plenty of money left over for eating out and other non-essential nice to haves. Theoretically he can easily able to pay that debt off, but he's choosing not to. As others have said, you have different financial priorities, and for that reason you are not compatible.

The not knowing or lying about the level of his debt is a red flag.

The lack of a plan to fix it is a red flag

The debt being on an aqua card is a red flag as this is for people with poor credit

The actual amount in comparison to his income is solvable, if believable, but there are a lot of indications that you don’t have the full picture ( owing 2 friends??)

You don’t sound compatible, I think this behaviour would make you unhappy

Then the fact that he owes so much seems inexplicable to me. He's obviously irresponsible.

I think you’re so anxious because you know he’s talking absolute shit. Someone on that salary would be able to clear that debt in no time, wouldn’t be borrowing money from friends and wouldn’t be “just trying to survive”

Hes either lying about how much debt he actually has, has some sort of gambling habit or is just mentally shit all round with money.

Either way he’s a grown ass man and it’s not something you look for in a life long partner and potential father to your children or someone you’d want to be financially tied to.

also, aqua cards are for people who can’t get credit anywhere else. This leans towards his debt being a long term issue and not something that’s just recently come about. Ditch this loser.

OP I dont think there is mileage in the both of you continuing, however what is he spending it on do you know? Is it phones/gadgets, does he have a car on finance which is expective, does he have expensive clothes or treatments, is it nights out, eating out, is it basic shopping at Waitrose and M+S buying tons of ready made food?

All of the above racks up unless you can change habits and live on the cheap.

This 100%

He is in a debt cycle. He does not have financial awareness. You have done the right thing, distancing yourself from this.

I know someone in a similar situation to you, they got married and are now struggling to pay their bills, despite family paying off some of the
debt. He just racked it up again.

She had a brilliant credit score before she married him and is now repairing it. She has her head screwed on and now separates finances. She will be fine, but he is such a drain.

Part of this issue is likely to be the fact that Aqua credit cards can have an interest rate of close to 50%!
The fact that’s the card he has also suggests credit issues, as it’s for people with a bad credit history. This would bother me far more than someone on his salary and owning their own home having £10k of CC debt.

Damn if a boyfriend was pestering me about my money I’d tell him none of his business! £9k is not huge, but it is indicative of poor management if his salary is so high (his old salary even). But it’s really not your concern. But be wary going forward - certainly do not move in together or mix finances in any way.