Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

I am astonished that some people don't think this is a problem. He is in debt, has lied about it , has made no effort to reduce it in the past 12 months and has, in the past, been reduced to borrowing from friends. The debt will be growing every month if he is just paying the minimum. If he hasn't learnt to manage his money at 44 I think he is unlikely to do so barring some startling ephiphany.

It's not a run of bad luck but just that he lives above his means on a regular basis and will probably continue to do so at the new salary. I wasn't a gold digger in my single days but I wouldn't have considered a man who wasn't somewhat solvent.

My husband did need some fiscal management before we got married and I must say he absolutely stepped up. He didn't have any debts of course which is the major difference and he was in his late twenties. If he hadn't started saving some money to put with my money to get a house together, I wouldn't have married him. I wanted a decent sized diamond engagement ring, to buy a house, go on holidays and eat out. That's not being shallow. Financial security is a very big thing for me because I grew up poor and scrimping for years on end is not much fun.

I wouldn't take this man on. I think it's very important to avoid repeating the mistakes of your parents. I suspect you have a slight familial weakness for this sort of man.

9 k in debt is not to bad if he has the wages to pay for it and he is b it behind . Clearly not the case

You're dating a man who smokes, drinks, can't drive, is awful with money. Gosh what a catch

DO NOT marry him or move into a house with him.

On his salary and that level of credit card/overdraft you are in my view being ott. If it's a line in the sand for you out of principle that you don't want to be with anyone that has debt then fine, that is for you. But your approach to this is disproportionate and if I was him I would be questioning staying with you. He can clear this in no time with no hassle at all, it's manageable without being a thing. Beyond him being clear that he will live within his means and pay it down you can't expect more and would be unreasonable to do so

Something really doesn't add up here OP, I'd be worried too.

£9K is not a huge amount if you earn that much, BUT you have to be rational with your spending.

He's got himself into a right pickle with his credit score, is paying high interest and has borrowed from friends, and can't afford his cigarettes?

I'd run a mile, quite honestly. Thinking of your own mum, isn't it weird how life deals us the same cards to see if we have learned how to play them.

Are you sure you know the full extent of his drinking? Or his debts, actually!??!?!

It might be out of embarrassment. My boyfriend knows of the biggest chunk of my debt but I couldn’t bring myself to give him the full picture yet. I know it’s silly (especially since he had way more debt than me when we met!) but the shame is too big. I haven’t been able to clear it as fast as I was hoping.

He has started smoking again, he said he was stopping and did v well for months (mved to vaping) but now started again. I could smell that so he came clean. I know it SOUNDS like he should be able to clear it but in all honesty I have also lived in London on 65k and it is doable. Mortgage is bad due to Liz Truss timing and he doesn't want to sell. He did say he has been in debt before and climbed his way out of it which I guess is why he has to use Aqua. I said do you know your credit score and he said he doesn't. There were things like £8 a month to Labour party etc that he had forgotten he was paying so my approach was to ask him to cancel those as every little helps and I think it has all stacked up somehow. I do notice he drinks a lot but we are both fairly social and so I have not wanted to be draconian about that - he is always lovely to me and I know he wants this to work. I do too but I am nervous about the future. I have no intention of tangling with him financially but it feels sad that we could not eg move in together or plan for nice things. He wears t shirts from Primark, not expensive. His flat is in pricy area of London so I notice he sometimes shops in whole foods which I have said is ridiculous in his situation, he needs to go to Lidl! It is not necessarily the money it is more the attitude to it and the ability to bury his head in the sand for over a year...

Sorry the last post should have said: I know it SOUNDS doable but he does not seem to be able to have addressed it thus far. I have lived on 65k in London (granted at the time I did not have that high mortgage) and it is def doable. You just have to be sensible. He had a bad break up before we met and I think he was sad then and I wonder if he started drinking of spending more then. He also said one year he had had a 20k bonus so assumed he would get it the next year and clear any debt, but then for whatever reason the policy changed and he did not get the same bonus.

He can clear it if he commits to it, but does not seem to be on that mindset right now.

OP you have a money management ethic, he doesn’t.

I see this time and time again, people in debt cycles. I actually help some out, family amd friends, when they come to me for help. But the biggest problem is their lack of financial awareness and management. I think money management is a skill we should all be taught and learn.

When you look at the interest payments made on this kind of debt and understand that it goes to already very wealthy people, it is sickening. It is actually structurally embedded into our economy.

On your DPs salary he has only himself to blame.

You’re writing about him as if he’s a little boy and you’re his mum. OP this is so dysfunctional. On both your parts. You need to kill this dead.

You’ve been seeing him for a year it’s his problem not yours. Keep your beak out. He will want you to come along and try and fix it and before long you will be helping him financially too. Best kept quiet on this one and leave him to it.

Has he got ADHD? Smoking too much, drinking too much, not aware of how to manage his finances, out of control, anxious about it, probably the life and soul of the party at times, probably a high flyer academically or is it IT or finance type role? probably able to perform well at work but not managing domestically

What do you mean mortgage is bad due to Liz Truss timing?

Anyway, its all academic to some degree, Im just musing, there would be trouble in the future for you both, he would get pissed off and you wouldnt get a resolution.

I don't want him to feel embarrassed or ashamed, I am upset but I am a nice person and I would be fine with it if there was evidence of it moving in the right direction. Instead it feels like I gave him the benefit of the doubt last year and it has not got better. But maybe it will with a new job.

A 44 yr old man who earns a good salary and can't keep his spending within his means is pretty unattractive tbh. I think you're getting yourself far too involved in the finances of a man you have not financial ties to, but I don't think you're wrong to think he isn't the guy for you.

It's not much debt considering his salary, but at that age he should have significant savings, not be living paycheck to paycheck.

Liz Truss era meant interest rates were very high. I am not trying to be his mum but he seems quite helpless so I was genuinely just wanting to help him as I care about him. But yes I know that doesn't create a very romantic dynamic but I suppose I did not want to bury my own head in the sand and carry on seeing someone who I was worried was lying to me.

This is about can I rely on you? Can I trust your judgement? Can I see a financially secure future with you? For me, if he drew up a spreadsheet of exactly how he planned to pay off the debt in a reasonable time frame (six months) and stuck to it, I would respect that. Otherwise I would not be able to see a future together that didn't erode my mental health.

There’s far more to this than he’s letting on.

His mortgage is only 20k pa, if it’s credit card debt the interest on 9k won’t be more than 2700k pa. Plus utilities, council tax etc. We’re nowhere near 60k let alone 85k. BT sports wont break the bank.

So he’s either got a gambling problem or a drug problem. Or his debt is and loans from friends is much bigger than he’s told you.

You’re bang to being this cautious he’s far too old to be this shit with money.

It’s not just about the debt though, it’s how the hell can he only be just surviving on 85k when he has no kids and no car and a not-massive-mortgage-for-London.

The lying is bad but I think that’s because you had a big reaction to his 3k debt, which honestly, if he’s managing it isn’t that bad. About 10 years ago I had about 12k debt. I got carried away and was so naive andit increased so quickly. Once I had a word with myself I concentrated and cleared it in 4 years. Now I’m the most sensible person ever with money. His debt now doesn’t define him as a person. How he handles it does

Well you’re making the assumption he never does anything else - holidays etc.

I earn twice as much as him and don’t have much spare tbh. I couldn’t live off £65k

There are too many red flags for me. Debt in itself is not necessarily a problem if it is explainable and there is a plan to pay it back.
My problem is firstly that he lied about the debt and then how much he owed. Then he lied and said he had a way to pay it but has gone back on his word. The fact his bank also won't help with a loan to sort it suggests this is a wider problem with some history too.
At this point I would be leaving. He's not a helpless child, he is an adult who has to make his own decisions to get better and at the moment it doesn't sound like he's doing that. Don't stick around for potential, most men don't live up to it.

For me that doesn't sound that crazy, especially considering his income. But clearly it bothers you and you have different attitudes to money.

The people saying £9K "isn't that much" or "not that bad" on his salary are indicative how how entrenched the acceptance of debt is becoming. It's around 15% of his take home pay for new job, obviously was even higher on his old salary. That's NOT a small amount at all and of course it could well be a lot more, he's already lied about how much it is.

Theoretically if he threw all the pay rise to the debt he'd have it paid off in 10-12 months but it's highly likely he won't do that. People who persistently live above their means find it very hard to cut back spending. So instead of paying off the capital of the debt they end up in the cycle of paying of the minimums, still spending as they were so getting into more debt and just shifting the payments around or getting cards declined as OP has already found.

OP is right to be wary of someone untrustworthy. and bad with money. It's also not unreasonable of her to want a relationship of equals where they can enjoy a nice lifestyle together, without her missing out because he can't afford it.

Not necessarily, in my 20s and 30s I carried a high proportion of debt, was around 20k on a 30k income, sometimes my income would be around 60k, went up and down, remortaged a lot to clear it and then spent again. It was holidays, going out, nice things, pricey shops at Waitrose and M+S (they were my two closest supermarkets, you wouldnt have caught me dead in budget supermarkets). Plus the bloody service charge for my flat was huge.

I cleared it all around 16 years ago and havent had debt since. Im as tight as arseholes now.