To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

Me, sat on the sofa, halfway through a bottle of wine after a TRULY SHIT WEEK:

´maybe you’re not so unreasonable here’

I have a different experience. A life with my partner was objectively more difficult in every sense, except for financial, perhaps.
Yes, I can only afford a modest house but I don't need anything grander just for myself. A small house is easier to clean, as my mum keeps reminding me.
I don't have to cook for anyone or do anyone's laundry. Or manage anyone's moods. I have amazing friends I can socialise with on Friday nights and I also have a few sociable hobbies so I am very rarely home in the evenings and at weekends.
I can make decisions about DIY and what I can't do myself, I can hire a man (or a woman) for. I don't have to spend weeks and months convincing someone that I absolutely must have an orange bedroom and no, this awful painting doesn't work in the middle of the living room.
I can't think of a single thing that a partner would make easier for me right now. I'd quite like to have a hug. That's about it.
There is plenty of casual sex around too and I can have a new man every week if it takes my fancy.

Honestly, it just depends. You could have a great partner helping with DIY or you could have a partner gambling away your money and leaving you worse off.

But I would try and build up some savings. Everyone should have a bit, even if a couple where both work.

I’m 40 and single op. I think we have the best option available to us. I am happy in a way I have never been before in the past 14months since I left my husband. It’s time I can just focus on me and this is such a wild freedom. I have hobbies, friends, a job I love and I’ve started dating again.

I don’t agree about Fri evenings in together being some kind of gold standard. It can lead to boredom, resentment, bickering over who is going to do the diy and who feels obliged to do it blah blah blah. I’m not saying companionship doesn’t have its merits of course it does. But the grass isn’t always greener.

I wish I could be happy with my house. All I want from a budget of £130k above my house value is my house with a bugger garden and a drive. I find no greater joy than chilling in my garden after work and making it look pretty. But I have a tiny north facing garden so can only enjoy it a couple of months a year, then it gets destroyed.

O the sex. I almost forgot how I miss that. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it casually so I just go without. Sometimes think it would be so easy to just go for it, but I know I wouldn't feel good after

I am struggling with it at the moment I have to say. I'm fifty - my relationship ended last summer and I recently found out the extent of his infidelities, lies and betrayals. Before that relationship I was married to someone I was with 18 years. All I want is someone to share the load with and curl up on the sofa with. My friends are all coupled up. It's hard. And yes....the sex. I miss it so much.

Meh. Being single / being in a relationship - it’s all much of a muchness to me.

You need to love yourself before you ever even consider being with someone else. I think financially most people are better off in a couple, but emotionally they’re not. Most of my friends are jealous of my life!

This is a refreshing take!

I know some people have it worse in a relationship. I would never want to be with someone like that. And I do worry about someone risking my financial security if i chose the wrong person.

I'm trying to build up savings, but it's hard when even at a decent wage, you are having to pay everything alone, i got student loan and masters loan coming out of my pay.

Share the load is exactly what I miss from a relationship. Must very hard for single parents to not get that support.

And love . It is nice to think that someone loves you and appreciates you . But you don't necessarily need a partner for that .

I have tried and since my last relationship ended 9 months ago, I have stayed single. Put myself on the apps have found it a waste of time when I have been on dates so havnt been on there much. My ex had someone that very next week following our breakup, which was hard. They split up now though, so hopefully he realises it wasn't just me being weird by being hurt by his actions. He actually messaged me not long after they split. For months I thought about what I wish I could say to him about what he done (he blocked me soon as he went public with her, I only knew all what happening from a friend screenshoting it). When the time come when he tried to come crawling back, I read it so he could see the blue ticks and ignored.

No matter how shit it was, I still feel if I had met my person life would be so much better. I'm not comparing to shit relationships. I'm comparing to the ones that work

I think it depends on age - I’m 60+ and very happily single
Had many long term relationships and a marriage which resulted in DC, but came to the conclusion that whilst I enjoy male company - I don’t want to live with anyone ever again
Currently on holiday somewhere warm on my own and enjoying chilling without having to consider anyone else - it’s blissful

This is exactly what I feel. Apart from i have never had anyone to do life with long term. Thr last 1 I really felt like at last my time had come. Until I started having doubts as to what he is like when I am not around. Then, same as you, he moved on straight away until that ended.

I just want my turn now to feel loved, to cuddle up, to go out, to share life's burden.

So lush you having such a good single time now.
The difference with me is that I have never experienced the shared responsibility if life with someone. I had my daughter just before I turned 22. I was with her dad before turning 19 so we did live together when she come around. But still feels like I have spent all my adult life alone. I would have loved to have had more kids if I had met someone at the right time. Wouldn't now, it's too late.

I do try to feel happiness alone. My last argument with my ex was about not being able to book time away because he wouldn't commit but kept saying he did want us to go away. After we split I had my 1st holiday alone. Loved it but still felt it would be better if I had someone else there

I’m in a long term relationship and happy and although I think I would also be happy single, I think this is better. I don’t want to annoy you but I’m answering your question at face value.
I think it takes time to find a soulmate (neither me nor DH are yours! A weekend of DIY more than once every 5yrs would divorce material for both of us!) so don’t panic or rush. Go with the flow of your life. Do what makes you happy and what will be will be.

I completely understand you OP! I also feel that my life would be much better if I was in a healthy relationship with a good, supportive partner.

And for all the posters saying saying how much better it is being single because of all the bad things that can go wrong in a relationship, of course being single is better than being in a terrible relationship with a horrible person, or even just an unfulfilling meh relationship. I have been in an unhealthy and highly stressful relationship and wouldn't want to experience that again. But since then I've also learned about what makes a healthy relationship, and I have a better understanding of what I struggle with myself in relationships, and also what not to tolerate from a partner.

But if you want an intimate relationship and a partner to share life with, it's completely normal and understandable to feel that there's a loss or lack in your life, that isn't fulfilled by other types of relationships like friends or family. And I agree about the pragmatic aspects of relationships and how much better life is if you have a good partner to build a life and financial security with and share the load. These things are of course dependent on having a supportive partner and @BrokenWingsCantFly clearly specifies that in her post.

Thank you. This is exactly it. We are not craving ANY relationship, happy to avoid the bad ones. But see some very healthy happy relationships and would like a turn with that. The possibilities If I found my equal, the house we could have, the things we could do, the places we could go. Yeah I can go places, but single spots are more expensive than 2 people splitting the cost. Life is more expensive as a single person no doubt about it

You are absolutely allowed to complain about being single. I have friends who have had various permutations of relationship. The Good, the Bad the Ugly and everything else.

Being happy in a decent relationship with mutually agreeable aims and goals is fine to want if people don’t want that it’s their prerogative.

Well 'you do you', as they say. I'm perfectly content on my own, as I have been since my DH's sudden death when I was 47 with two small children. So maybe I'm ok because I've had the big relationship and the kids. I'm totally open to a new relationship but it just hasn't happened. I would not want to live with anyone again though.

The thing I miss with not being in a relationship is being touched. Not in a sexual way, just the small gestures - holding hands, a hug, a casual arm round the shoulders, someone to curl up with on the sofa, or getting a neck and shoulder massage.

You've been single 9 months, it's not really fair to make a judgement based on single life on that basis. For you maybe yes. I've been single over a decade and quite happy, equally will be happy when I meet someone. Its a reminder that a 3-6 months financial safety net of savings is a good idea.

I think people in relationships can also crave a healthy supportive relationship. I do get you OP, there are pro’s and con’s to everything but it’s nice to have someone around who 100% wants to be there, someone who’s a genuine partner to walk through life with.

You're not wrong OP. I loved being single. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom I wanted.

However, life is so much better when you're with someone. You're always there for each other. We share the same interests, and get to have the most amazing holidays. We are financially secure and afford whatever we want. We'vesupported each other during serious illnesses. We never argue. The sex is the best I've ever had.

I'm sure there are people here who feel equally contended being single. For sure, it's better to be single than to be with the wrong person. However, all things being equal, I think most people would be happier if they found their soulmate.

2 years single, 39 years old.
I think having a loving, supportive relationship is lovely. However, I also don't think it is healthy to put all hope and need on a romantic relationship. Positive relationships come from friends and family too. One partner isn't going to 'solve' it all, no matter how perfect they are.
So investing in friends and family, investing in yourself- that is where the focus should be.
The only thing I could argue that I do miss is touch, but more the quick kiss, the touch on the back, that type of thing.
I've made my life so that me and my two kids are happy and doing well, so that if/when the right person comes along they are an addition and not a need. Much more likely to choose a healthy relationship that way.
But also, if I never had a relationship again I wouldn't be overly bothered. I am happy single, and will remain so until I meet a man who adds to my life (I don't want a third child 😆 😉 or a unhealthy relationship like with ny ex ).
But I do think we've been brought up with Disney fairytales saying we need a man to be happy type thing, and that plays on my mind deep down... society tells us to be in a couple, why are you single questions? Etc. So it is tricky, I doubted myself recently and went on a date... he was so lovely but the thought of prioritising someone else in my life right now just isn't for me.
Just sharing my views. Not saying you're not doing the above.