To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

Are you ok?? 🤣 Nowhere have i said that treatment is dished out by all men sooner or later. I think its pretty clear i am saying the shitty men are attracted by a neediness to be in a relationship and the way to avoid them is to be comfortable in your own skin and happily single before looking for someone.

Further your assertion that i swap chores for sex is hilarious - where have you dreamt that up?? I have a couple of friends with benefits and that is completely separate from just friends who help me with chores. One is my female best friend who happens to be handier with a screwdriver than me. My friends husband is a plumber and helps me out in return for a coffee and a bit of dog sitting. I think its quite sad how easily you jump to conclusions 🤣. Sorry about the emojis, i didnt delete them because i found your post so ridiculous it was funny!

I rent privately, live hand to mouth (no savings) and my wage is the lower end of average. I love being single but to me if feels like a luxury. It petrifies me that I could be evicted at any moment, be unable to
afford the rent on my own elsewhere, have nobody to lean on etc. Honestly if I just had my own home and a better source of income I would literally be the happiest person on earth.

We sound very similar!

Men my age mostly look like Mr Potato Head

This. This is such a major factor. Most middle aged men are so very unattractive. And so many of them look the same. Round and bald. I look at my friends’ husbands and wonder how they can have sex with them. But then a lot of the time it turns out they’re not really having sex anyway.

I dated a few men very briefly a couple of years ago but just found it impossible to find any attraction. And rather than the presumption that women are the ones desperate to find a man, I found most older single men really needy. They seem to want a nurse with a purse to cook clean wipe their arse and provide sex so they don’t have to look after themselves.
In my personal experience there’s a lot more happily single mature women than men.

It isn’t too late to meet a man or have kids at your age OP. I’ve got a friend who met her partner and had her second child in her 40s. Retrained in her career too as a podiatrist.

I’ve recently met a really nice man 3 months ago after years of either being single or dating a man with no chemistry. I’m 54. So it can be done.

Up until around 30 my single Saturday nights were a night out with my other single or only recently coupled up friends. Now my friends have either moved away to bills a new life with partners, or are spending their weekends with their partners & children.

Maybe that's how I found it easier to be single in the past

I would have to give myself a whole new persona to find new friends available to party each weekend in my age bracket. Being autistic making new friends don't come easy. Life is not always what you make it. But doing your best with the card you are delt

Same. It is exhausting to some people. I see others jump from long term relationship straight in to another and think how are you finding it so easy

I thanks the old gods and the new everyday that I’m divorced and single
YABU

Generally, I enjoy being single and having my own way but I agree with another poster who said it’s age related. I am in my 50s and while I’m happy with single life now, I doubt I would have felt the same when I was in my thirties.

Where I feel the disadvantage most is having to make decisions on my own with no one with a shared vested interest to bounce ideas off. Things like essential home repairs and improvements were more my ex’s specialty than mine and he had a lot of background knowledge on DIY etc already. Whereas everything takes me a lot longer as I have to figure out the problem and what needs doing on my own then decide how much if any I can do myself or employ someone to do it. And if I do it myself I have to teach myself how. And sometimes I can’t make up my mind about what I want as there are so many options to explore and it would be really useful to have another adult to feed into the decision-making process.

Read some of the posts on here of women putting up with so many manchilds. (Manchildren?!)
women being emotionally and financially abused. Sometimes even physical abuse.
women carrying it all working doing all the childcare and housework, carrying the mental load, and then be expected to actually have sex with useless husbands even though they’re totally exhausted.
there’s a reason single women live longer than married women.
and married men live longer than single men !

Thank you. Your friend sounds very much like me. I hate it if I'm seated with my back to people so can hear their noise and walking about behind me, or if somewhere has too loud music. If plans are cancelled or changed or if something is put on me last minute I hate it, if someone is too early or late. I take plans as golden.

I do try and mask with new people or people who never need to know, like most colleges. When dating I try to hide it for as long as possible.

I'm also very attuned to lies with what they are seeing not adding up. I think my last relationship would have worked if it had not been with someone like me, but I saw 1 lie and that was it. Everything he said i couldn't trust and looked deeper into it and found another lie. It's exhausting. But I do think if I found someone truthful and OK with me having to choose my seat or isn't flaky on plans or timings, then it wouldn't actually be an issue. I can fake social to be able to present well at events, just may need some time out alone the next day

Well sometimes being married isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There are advantages and disadvantages to both situations 🤷‍♀️

Im not holding my breath waiting for a decent fella. I think it’s prob easier if you’re younger but at my age it’s slim pickings.

I'm comparing to the few good ones I see in real life. I do know there are ones which are so shit being single is the better option. Hence why my last relationships ended. I would rather be alone than in a bad 1, but I would rather be in a good 1 than being alone

Having a good relationship is better than being single, which is better than being in a bad relationship.

Isn't obvious???

(Good relationships are rare, so until you find one, being single is the best option)

Despite not enjoying being single I do agree on the films! I very much appreciate the fact that I haven't had to watch any of the latest Marvel/DC inanities in the last few years.

I do think in a good relationship there must be some things you both enjoy watching. With my ex-partner we did have films/TV that we both liked, so that mostly wasn't a huge problem, but even with that he did seem put out by the fact I just wasn't interested in superhero films. Big generalisation, but men do seem to want women to take an interest in their interests/hobbies but don't want to have to do that themselves for us.

I think there is something to this.

I was very happy in my single days but I too have very little interest in sex. I can take it or leave it, and not bothered if I’m not getting any.

No it's not obvious, some of us prefer being single than in a good relationship, because well, thats still a relationship.

Otherwise all single people would somehow be looking for someone, which isn't the case at all.

Disagree. I prefer being single.

I can see that some people prefer, for a variety of reasons, to have a partner but it's not for me.

The assumption that being single is second best really pisses me off.

Agree. If I met the perfect man tomorrow I would still be very reluctant to get into a relationship and certainly I would never cohabit again.

I think once you become so comfortable with yourself then it’s difficult to give that peace up

We always want what we haven't got. When you're single you want to have a partner. When you're part of a couple, you can't wait to be single again!

The OP said 'supportive partner'. The key word being supportive. You don't need to read many threads to know they are rare.

I think many RL are a bit So So .Often people stay because they are scared to leave .Ideals of cosy log burners ,Friday night takeouts, and a bottle of wine leading to wonderful sex are always help up to show everyone what they are "missing"! Reality is both knackered from work ,kids crying and so on.There are for s and against both ways really.I have been married a long time and its been very good but also very difficult at times .

I couldn't bear to live with a man ever again, the thought of coming home and having to share my space with someone makes me shudder. I'm content with my cats and the harmony and joy they bring.

I would love to have a 'partner' to go to events with but more and more of my friends in their 50s are now separated or getting divorced so we tend to go to weddings and concerts with each other; I've been on holiday with mates for the past ten years which has been amazing.

The only times I've struggled with being single is during a serious health crisis and my parents being 2000 miles away. My friends were fantastic during that time but it's not the same as having a partner there. Although you do read on here about men being useless when their partner is really ill 🤷