To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

Ok, I'm sorry and I stand corrected. The general idea in society is that a good relationship is the goal, and I failed to acknowledge that is not the goal for everyone. Being single has a lot of advantages and people like different things.

As I've never had a good relationship, I can't say which one I prefer (good relationship or being single). I'm happy being single and it was my number one choice for several years. Right now I'd like a good relationship (not sure if it's a fantasy).

Having said all that, couple privilege is a thing, as the world is built for couples! And I hate that.

I’m 60 and have a good group of single friends similar age so never at a loose end for socialising, weekends, trips and holidays.

We laugh on holiday where we see couples playing with their phones ignoring each other while we’re chatting away,

I think doing DIY is a terrible example for this tbh because even the most in love couples can fight over an IKEA flat pack

Oh my god this. I am utterly awful at decision making as well. I find home maintenance so stressful. I've just had a new kitchen put in and the decisions were the worst bit. I have a persistent damp issue on my stairwell and no one seems to be able to tackle it, even the damp surveyor who came round. It makes me cry 😥. Outside is a tip as well.

And yes, illness really worries me. I have friends, but not many locally - they are scattered round the country.

Some people said they miss the cuddles/physical affection and appreciation when they cook.
I have a partner and he just doesn't do physical affection (non sexual). Or show too much appreciation for cooking.

But I'm not free to look for someone who does those things? Is that better or worse?

I think if I ended up single, I would like to live in kind of a duplex place with my male separated cousin. So we each have our own place...but would be there for each other if one of us got sick etc. And a bit of company but still our own space.

I'm not sure if I'd want to live with a man again. Maybe if he was v clean?

I've just turned 50, and have been alone for about 2.5 years, following a 9 year relationship (no kids - fertility issues which were a big part of the relationship falling apart.) I loved him so much, and could have been happy with him with no kids; he wasn't, and I was the problem. Anyway.....
I've had 3 long-term relationships through my adult life, but have been on my own for almost 20 years of adulthood, when I add it up.

I know exactly what you mean. Like, I'm a perfectly able and capable professional woman, but I miss having a built-in best mate, who can give support (emotional, practical and financial!) I've got a perfectly nice place, mortgage almost paid off; good professional career; excellent friend group - but yet, there's still that niggle of wanting something else.

I had fairly major surgery last year, and had to go stay with my parents/have friends stay, as I couldn't manage alone for a good couple of months; couldn't drive, etc. It's the 'being sick in the middle of the night', 'family emergency', 'lazy weekend' sort of support and comfort I miss. Equally, I'm pretty good at giving that in return. I don't ask for them to pay my bills, or rely on them for everything, but I see the friends who are truly in an equal relationship, and I miss that.

I do have hope, however, as I've two friends who are older than me, who have met, moved in, and married, their partners, in the last 3-4 years. So, not sure I can offer solutions, but I am giving you support.

I'm 66 and have been single for most of my life. There is rarely a time when I think a partner would be a bonus, and it never lasts long. I am extremely content the way I am, and while financially it's tough I would rather that than have to share my life with someone. So yes, to me it is all it's cracked up to be.

When you find the person who is right for you he will accept you for all your special ways. He will find you cute & will understand. It may even be someone on the spectrum himself, although you might have to fight for a seat you both feel comfortable with in restaurants
😂
Wishing you all the very best & remember everyone to a greater or lesser extent masks discomfort in certain social situations. Never feel your the only one socially who gets anxious & hides it 💐

I think society is too transactional nowadays and people break up and get with new people so quickly, I could never feel secure in a relationship. Hell divorce is almost celebrated. Too much of "plenty more fish in the sea" (there really isn't) I'd want a guy to have been single for a good 6 months before dating them, and I bet there's not too many like that about.

I've never craved a relationship though unless someone already caught my eye. That way I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, not going to date "just because"-if it happens it happens.

I’m so sorry to hear about your shit of an ex. But this encapsulates adult non familial relationships. No-one is there for you 100%. Your husband was there for you until there was a fertility issue then he opted out. Others have partners who cheat, or who fall out of love. This is why we need to be there for ourselves and surround ourselves with many different people who give us what we need. And definitely don’t rely on a man. They’re not so reliable.

Meant to add, there is nothing wrong with white lies. If for example your date is late & he says he missed the bus then you find out he fell asleep & didn't want to admit it. In other words there are things like this which are excusable & you can laugh about it. Lies which are seriously detrimental to your trust in someone are a different story altogether & should never be tolerated

So I come from the genuinely happy to be single tribe. I've been married. It absolutely broke me. I left him. I rebuilt my life around me and my daughter. A life I genuinely love. I'm certainly not one of these people who advocate the joys of a single life whilst secretly feeling miserable about it. I'd be lying to say I haven't thought about being in a partnership again. But my life is objectively easier on my own. I'm financially better off (I know, go figure), I am much busier, and have built a fabulously adventurous and fulfilling life, I watch what I like, eat what I like. I've taught myself to do all the things I thought I couldn't do. My house looks how I want it to. I make choices without having to justify them to anyone else. I am happy and fulfilled and most importantly at peace in a way I never was when I was married. And at 36 I have no intention of chasing a relationship for the sake of it, to fill a gap that I don't feel is there. It would take a very incredible soul to change my mind now.

I've been a single parent for over 15 years. The main thing that is crap about being single as opposed to married in my book is bearing the financial load of life alone. However, that was the situation when I was in a relationship, so I've felt this even when in a partnership. My brother and sis in law are happily married but in the day to day they bicker ALL THE TIME and get cross and frustrated with one another. Same with my parents who've been married over 50 years.
I think both have good and bad points. Glad I'm not searching for love though...so many men in my age group are so very low quality and bring fuck all to the table. My granny used to say 'it ain't all honey ' which sums it up!

Ive never felt like that. When im in a relationship im happy as a couple but equally im absolutely happily single now and not craving a relationship at all.

@DoubleEspressoForMe you're just a lass at 36. I'm not invalidating your feelings but you have a long and hopefully happy life ahead of you.

That's good & as long as everyone is happy that's what counts. Having said that you've obviously never sat close to DH & I on holiday. We've been married for ever & our only issue is each of us trying to get a word in. Laughter is one of the things that's never far away from our conversations. We can happily sit in silence while eating but usually there is always something that sparks our interest to chat about. Never a dull moment 😆

That's not a nice thing to say - imagine if someone put on here " I see when out these tables of single old women. I laugh at them drowning their sorrows in booze" . Own your status but slagging off others who choose different ?

I absolutely hate this sort of response. Maybe I will have another relationship, maybe I won't. Who knows? But equally is that all I can aspire to? Can i not be complete without it? This attitude that your life is incomplete without a relationship is deeply flawed.

Ultimately I have a beautiful life with my daughter. Do I want a man to complicate what I have? No. Do I need another person's income to help support me? No. Do I feel there is an empty space in my life? No. Can I be bothered with sifting through what is out there? No. Do I have the time, energy or resources to accommodate someone in my life? No. Could the above change? Yes, and I'm not writing it off. But as I said in my previous comment, it would take someone exceptional to change my mind.

The original comment was about the single life not being all its cracked up to be. I am definitely in the camp of, 'the single life to exponentially better then it is cracked up to be' and currently I cannot see my thought process changing.

I absolutely hate this sort of response. Maybe I will have another relationship, maybe I won't. Who knows? But equally is that all I can aspire to? Can i not be complete without it? This attitude that your life is incomplete without a relationship is deeply flawed.

Ultimately I have a beautiful life with my daughter. Do I want a man to complicate what I have? No. Do I need another person's income to help support me? No. Do I feel there is an empty space in my life? No. Can I be bothered with sifting through what is out there? No. Do I have the time, energy or resources to accommodate someone in my life? No. Could the above change? Yes, and I'm not writing it off. But as I said in my previous comment, it would take someone exceptional to change my mind.

The original comment was about the single life not being all its cracked up to be. I am definitely in the camp of, 'the single life to exponentially better then it is cracked up to be' and currently I cannot see my thought process changing.

Where in my post did I say that is what you had to aspire to ? I didn't. I said I hoped you have a happy and long life. I didn't say with a man, a woman, single or anything.

My apologies if in your case I've misunderstood your interpretation of friends with benefits.. As far as I was aware, at least having heard the expression for the first time on this forum, it usually means friends who benefit each other by having sex when they feel like it but without exclusivity or a formal romantic relationship. If you are saying it doesn't always mean this then again I apologise for my misinterpretation. Every day is a school day.

Op this has been a thought provoking post for me. Thank you.

@MojoMoon I too daydream about someday living in a shared but separate housing with my very very long term female friends. Just recently talk came up about retirement and I could tell my always single but with late in life child best friend felt retirement was way way in her future and later quietly reminded her she can always live with me ( and DH) I don’t rule it out as my DH is older than me …friend one is single…friend two is married and friend three (sister of friend 2) just left her marriage of 33 yrs. Has been wanting to for many many years.
others possibles are my dsis and cousin. I can easily see us all living together spending time together with some shared some private space. We are all good cooks quite neat and tidy and like to go do and talk.

My DH could never and I mean never imagine living with other men.

Yes that is exactly what it is, what it definitely isnt is friends doing chores for me in return for sex which is what was stated and is absolutely not how i live my life! The whole response was full of riduculous assumptions tbh but you dont know me so you do you

Op you’ve only been single 9 months