To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

I agree OP. Whilst I love living alone, the fact that I have a partner to spend weekends with and go away with means I have the best of both worlds. But when I was truly alone, despite lots of lovely friends and a good social life, I felt very alone in the world. Fundamentally, the world is set up for couples.

Honestly, I do think being single is hard. It’s tough financially and it leads to long, long periods alone - I’ve always had friends and plenty of them but I know myself it is hard to fit in friendships when you have other responsibilities and so you inevitably are a slave to other people’s timetables - you see them when they can fit you in.

I was single for a long time in my thirties and I did worry I was going to be like that forever.

Of course it’s better to be alone than to be with a cruel or inconsiderate partner but in the majority of cases that’s not what people are about!

I'm kind of still in your situation (practically and financially) as I have a long term LAT relationship (my choice though, which of course make a difference when you choose it rather than it not being what you want).

Except for brief periods I have never lived with someone else, and raised a child alone, with no financial support from the father.

But, my house is mine, I make all the decisions myself, I don't have to deal with anyone else's 'crap' making a mess in my house or putting up with someone elses horrible decor choices, or someone getting under my feet.

I do sometimes wish my house was bigger, or that I had a stone cottage in a village, or lived by the sea, instead of my 2 up 2 down terrace, but I like my house and would lose so much if I were to buy with my partner. The pros of having a bigger house aren't worth the massive losses of having me having to share my space with someone, and having to ask permission to do stuff in my own home (e.g. what if I had a family member that needed somewhere to live because of a crisis. I would always offer them shelter, you can't just do that if your house isn't just yours). All sorts of financial implications as well when you have children and are thinking about inheritance.

Yes. It's more expensive to travel alone, but I usually do DIY trips that don't work out massively expensive. When I do travel with my partner, we tend to spend the same budget each, but just have much nicer accommodation.

Can you travel with friends to save costs? Then still have the joy of a shared experience?

You sound like a lovely well balanced person. Is there any particular reason you find it difficult to find a partner?

I am happily married and like you I've always hated the idea of casual sex. It's not something I feel I missed out on although I've no issue with those who are happy when participating. I'm not surprised you miss the intimacy of a healthy & satisfying sex life when in a relationship based on love & friendship. It's an important part of a relationship for many if not all couples. I hope you find your soulmate soon.

It's definitely tough at times. I've been single 2.5 years, I have loads of chronic health stuff that make life really hard and then the last 2 weeks been in bed with an infection. It's utterly miserable that there is no-one to make me a cup of tea or walk the dog. I don't think for various reasons I'll ever have a relationship again but particularly when life is tough it's very hard not to have someone close for support and comfort and to just talk things through with. It feels a million times easier when you can maintain a busy active and interesting life, have enough money for holidays etc but when you can't it can feel very lonely.

I think it hugely depends on your situation, and if you can find a good partner or not! We come across so many threads on here from women who are with awful men and I’m sure they’d be much happier single. But then there will be even more women with amazing partners, but we just don’t read about them because no one is going to make a post just to let us know their husband is wonderful.

I was happily single for years in my late 20s. The only time I’d feel lonely was when the girls ans I went on holiday (two or three times a year) and on the way home they’d all be discussing how their partner was picking them up from the airport, or cooking their favourite meal for their return etc. And I was going home to an empty house. And at Christmas I always wished I had a partner. But otherwise I was fine.
Now though, I have the most incredible partner and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I’d hate to be single again, but I did enjoy it at the time. OP you’re younger than you think, don’t write yourself off yet!

I agree. The only place it really makes a difference is financially (which is obviously significant), but other than that my general happiness and satisfaction levels in life are no different. I have a great relationship where we never argue, are aligned on all important values, he does all the cooking and generally pulls his weight but every few months I seriously consider breaking up with him for no other reason than i want to be single and not have anyone in my house. I don’t mean I want to date or sleep with other people, I can’t be arsed with that (and we have an open relationship anyway so if I wanted to I could but we’re both too lazy to actually do that). I just want to be alone a lot of the time. I’m working up to ending it.

I have two beautiful, funny, intelligent daughters, both of whom are single, (after a few failed relationships) and sometimes my heart aches for them, and how much responsibility they have to shoulder. Yes, you can go it alone, I did, for some years, and I am resourceful and self-sufficient, but life is easier with the right partner. It's nice to have someone around to share things with, to snuggle up with, to do the drying if you wash up, to feed the cat......just to split the load

I'm 38 and have never had a boyfriend, perpetually single, live alone and always have done since moving out at 24 yo.

I had sex once or twice when I was 18, and the next time after that was with an overseas colleague on a work trip in 2024 👀

I used to long for a relationship, and thoight (never spoke!) a lot about when will it be "my turn", I just want to know what a boyfriend feels like etc etc but as I get older I am starting to see a different view.

To me, being single is my safetey net. It allows me to plan properly. However well intentioned, people and relationships are unpreictable and romantic relationships especially are based on the whims of hormones. I am emotionally stable outside of one, all of my decisions are truly from my own heart without being influenced by another person, my emotional state is not at the mercy of another person's actions (again - even in kind & loving relationships, it is hard) and crucually - I'm not gambling my financial security on someone continuing to love me.

This might sound like I have trust issues, I don't but I am just incredibly realistic about what (even good) relationships do to people (as well as all the positive stuff they also do).

It's the same reason I think having a baby alone or parenting solo is far more predictable and stable than in a couple. I am predictable to myself. Other people are not so don't count them in.

I think it varies hugely.
For me the best thing is having a great partner, one who truly respects, values and understands me. If I can’t have that then the next best thing is being single. Worst thing is being in an unhealthy relationship.
Finding that special person is not that simple though. So many people don’t put effort into their relationship.
Lots of people won’t entertain a relationship yet they moan about being single.
Likewise many people tolerate terrible relationships for various reasons.

Met my person at 42 so dont confine your life as done and dusted.

Based on my experience in my twenties it's nice being single for a few months after a long term relationship ending but then the loneliness starts to set in, especially when winter rolls around. I wouldn't choose to be single because it gives me great happiness sharing my life with my person.

I think whether you love being single or not is very much an individual personality thing, and possibly ND/NT plays a part too.
I don’t find being alone lonely, on the contrary, I find it peaceful.
so I think you can say that you don’t like being single, and that’s fine, but you can’t make a blanket statement for everyone.

I think the grass isnt always greener but it sometimes feels like it is. My married friends are envious that i am not kept awake by snoring, dont have to plan my time aroumd someone else or compromise on holiday choices or major purchases. Some of them are very unhappy but dont feel able to leave, others are hapoy overall but have somd frustrations.

Personally i love being single. As the main breadwinner in most of the relationships i have had, i am actually better off financially. I love the freedom to do as i please, i dont want a relationship but do enjoy some 'friejds with benefits' set ups. I have friends to help me out with bits around the house like DIY etc but what i really miss is someone to share the burden of big decisions - which mortgage should i take, shall i change my car, should i save my annual bonus or have a holiday. When i am ill, i misd someone making dinner or doing the chores (though my ex was a bit shit at that). What i remind myself of though is the anxiety that stemmed from.his shady behaviour - secretive with his phone, picking arguments and then 'storming out' to god knows where, being lazy af about basic chores, gaslighting me and making me feel crazy....

The risk when you really want a relationship is picking the wrong one and being blind to red flags. Shitty men have a radar for that need and can play the 'perfect boyfriend' for long enough to get their feet under the table and then can damage your life and self worth.

Learning to be happy single, taking the bad with the good, radiating self love - thats the best way to attract the right person and im sure he is out there for you. Try to do things to meet new men in a safe and low key way regularly. For me, walking groups, watching local bands and volunteering has led to meeting a far better pool of potential partners than dating apps, speed dating and single nighrs ever have.

I love being single and my own company. No downsides at all.

I’ve lived alone/with my DC’s for over 10 years now. I’ve had relationships in that time and also been single. I think these feelings you’re experiencing are because 9 months isn’t that long out of a relationship that wasn’t healthy. You’re seeing what you’re missing but not what you gain by being single.
Time does change your perspective.

I would like someone to be affectionate with, but I also like to be completely alone and do what I want. It’s not lonely it’s what helps me recharge so I have the headspace to be happy. I wouldn’t always get that in a relationship, certainly not in a bad one. I don’t need a man financially and I was always the higher earner anyway so things like pooling finances would always have disadvantaged me. That why I never did it.
Try to reframe what you have instead of what’s missing.

There is plenty of casual sex around too and I can have a new man every week if it takes my fancy.

That's pretty optimistic of you. What sort of sort of quality of man would they have to be to get q different man every week. The type who would shag anything.

I personally absolutely love being single.
I had two long relationships, the first one, we were living together, the second we kept living separately.
Both were good and non abusive. Still very goodd friends with both guys.
Yet, I didn't like living with someone. The second one was better because I had my own space and my own life.
But now being single, it's even better. I have my own space, my own life, my own time and my emotional independance.

I have a pretty rich social life, loads of amazing friends, hobbies, activities and a little dog, so I never feel lonely.

Being single is tough financially. You see all the subs and handouts that families get but there is precious little help for you. Instead you get a measly 25% offf your council tax while you overtly subsidise the selfish family of 4 next door by still having to pay 75% of what they pay. Council tax is very poor value for single people.

I think YABU but I really do understand as I was single for a long time in my 20s and 30s and also supported myself in my own mortgaged house with a couple of dogs. I did a lot of the DIY and decorating by myself but also called on female friends to help.

Th full financial responsibility did worry me as well and I had some very down times.

However, then I met someone and moved in with him and soon realised that living in my own was preferable to living with him. Yes I always had company, someone to do fun things with and someone to share with but it turned out he was a manipulative, gaslighting bastard.

I went back to my home and found the peace I needed.

what made being single (for me) easier was having good female friends who were mostly single too so I had people to support and listen and do fun things with. The understood it all too.

It is incredibly expensive to live by yourself so I have no advice for that, but a strong supportive network makes being single great. I don’t know how I’d have coped without that.

Your post although understandable given what you've been through is also imo really sad that you feel this is the treatment dished out by all men if not sooner then later. Friends with benefits is fine if that's what makes you happy. I can't imagine having a 'pool of men' who offer to exchange chores for sex. I couldn't look them in the face before they left. 😂This is a personal feeling & just another view, not a judgement of those happy with the set-up.

Excuse the emoji. I couldn't delete it.

I think for me I found both had pluses and minuses that cancel each other out.

Now I am single and don’t miss relationships enough to actively date.

I adore being single

In my 40s

Never again will I bother with a man

Ever

I have a few houses
Happy kids

Loads of pets

Many holidays each year

I could not be more content

@mamajong

Personally i love being single. As the main breadwinner in most of the relationships i have had, i am actually better off financially. I love the freedom to do as i please, i dont want a relationship but do enjoy some 'friejds with benefits' set ups. I have friends to help me out with bits around the house like DIY etc but what i really miss is someone to share the burden of big decisions - which mortgage should i take, shall i change my car, should i save my annual bonus or have a holiday. When i am ill, i misd someone making dinner or doing the chores (though my ex was a bit shit at that). What i remind myself of though is the anxiety that stemmed from.his shady behaviour - secretive with his phone, picking arguments and then 'storming out' to god knows where, being lazy af about basic chores, gaslighting me and making me feel crazy....

This kind of sums me up (except I don’t “love” being single). There are things I love about having a companion and things I hated. Similarly there are things I love about being single and things I hate.

Dating however I hated with a passion ZERO exception. Dating is literally the ghetto.

Nope. I am very happy being single.

I have had only bad experience with men in my life and what I read on this forum and in the news these days convince me that decent men who respect and support women and see them as equal in relationships are truly rare.