To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

Having left a 20yr relationship i am currently 100 times happier single. BUT I do agree that in the right relationship life would be easier. The problem is there are so many couples who are miserable together. I even know couples who have admitted it but are too scared to be on their own or can't afford to split. Stay for the children etc...

My relationship wasn't always bad. We were very happy for a long time but when it did go bad we held on for too long. Years of being unhappy together. I think that's why pro single propaganda is helpful. Proper need to see that being single is not something to be scared of. Too many people would rather be miserable in a couple than single because they fear being alone.

So I don't agree that being single is not what its cracked up to be. I'd far rather be single and happy than be miserable in another relationship.

Can't say I relate tbh. I love being single and have been for 10 years.

I think you’re right. For me at least, having a loving partner does enhance my life. The key word there is loving.

my heart breaks for them (because they’re single)
what a thoroughly depressing attitude. Many many people are CHOOSING it. My heart breaks for you that it isn’t an option available for you.

I'm 41, single for 2 years and feel the opposite.

I don't have children but exh was the equivalent of one - I had to plan and prepare everything, to the point I started to resent him. He did not add anything to my life towards the end.

I appreciate being fully in charge of my own time and my own destiny. It would take an absolute unicorn of a man to enhance my life.

I invest a lot into my friendships and definitely prefer their company over romantic relationships.

I have a fwb for "itches" though!

I don't think there any guarantees whether you're single or in a relationship tbh.

I left my marriage nearly 10 years ago and have been ostensibly single ever since (well, file it under 'it's complicated' for the last few years - a kind of situationship, I guess).

I know what you mean about the practicalities - I have a second job to make ends meet and when life gets busy or I've been unwell and there's no one to pick up the slack I do wonder if the grass is greener, but overall I wouldn't change where my life is at now.

I'm married and its so much better than when I was single, not just financially but we genuinely enjoy each others company.
Like you I assumed I would get married in my late 20s like all my friends were. I was so sure I would that I put off buying a house as I would be buying one with my husband. I then embarked upon a series of disastrous relationships with complete fuckwits.
I finally got a grip at 45, ditched dating and started saving for a house and met my husband at 51. So yes, I would have been far better off staying single and when I met him I had accepted that a relationship that led to marriage wasn't going to happen and I became truly happy.

I swore blind to friends I was done with the bullshit and unless someone truly wonderful came along who would add something to my life I would be happily single forever.
I do wonder if I gave off an air of desperation which men picked up on 🤔

I can see on paper how that sounds better than being single. And it is of course for many people. But for me, since my divorce (amicable and a healthy relationship) I just have no interest in being with anyone else. I can’t imagine finding someone I’d want to spend all my time with. I’m very social and have loads of friends and go on holiday with them etc, but I also love being alone. It was a revelation to me after having been in a 25yr relationship/ marriage!

edited to add, the financial aspect is a downside for sure. I could have a much bigger house etc. But I have my own small house and it’s all mine, and that’s fine for me

I also think a huge thing is how financially stable you are and physically well you are. If those 2 things are in a good place it's much easier to embrace single life and create a really lovely life for yourself, without those things I think it much much harder to cope with everything alone.

It depends a lot on your personality and how you are wired. Being in a relationship doesn’t feel natural to me. It feels like constantly being dragged into something which holds you back.

I love the initial oxytocin rush of falling in love (who doesn’t?) but I find relationships “in captivity” draining and deadening. So much of the day to day of cohabitation is about boredom and low level irritation which eventually goes from background white noise to a loud scream which cannot be ignored.

I think some people thrive on the codependence of it and love having another person to have that drip drip of every day contact. It’s familiar and reassuring. Increasingly (and particularly in perimenopause) this exchange of humdrum day to day discussion about logistics and unimportant shit makes me tired. Its just so dull.

I love my OH to bits. He’s a kind and gentle soul who does everything for us. He’s by far the best of the three men I have cohabitated with and we rub along well. But even with him I sometimes want to scratch my skin off at the sheer tedium of it all.

I'm on my second marriage and he is so much "more me" than my first husband. It's also economically efficient as all bills are split eg I probably wouldn't drive the car I do if I were single. I like my time out on my own but love just being with him at home.

I think probably the people who appreciate single ness most are those who have left bad relationships.

I imagine it is a bit harder if you don't know what the alternative can be like and how lonely and soul destroying it can be to be with the wrong person.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet here & I hope that's not how it comes across. It's more a case of sticking up for good men who actually do exist. There are so many men who get a bad press & rightly so if they are cheating, nasty, gutless wimps in relationships.

My DH was my first serious boyfriend. We haven't had everything easy in life often far from it. We've also in many ways been blessed. Throughout everything good & bad we have been each others best friend, lover & rock to lean on.

The reason I'm posting this is to encourage women who do wish to find a soulmate who treats them well never to give up.

Yes! I am the same. Other people and the mundane day to day are so tedious after a while. I prefer to socialise and then be alone.

Not my experience. I was in a relationship/ married for 22 years. We split amicably. He’s a good man and very good co-parent. I’ve never had a ‘bad’ relationship.

I adore being single.

Being single is awful. I have been single 10 years, not through choice and it’s definitely worse than being in a loving relationship, I can’t meet anyone as my circumstances don’t allow but it’s definitely not a choice of mine to be single.

I love being single. I could 'get a man' but I don't want one. I've had 3 main relationships with wonderful men, but they didn't work out, the truth came out eventually - the last one I broke up with was because he didn't remember that my son was having a baby, seen him the night before, he just forgot. He was a great man, until he wasnt.

Was only in that relationship a year and a half. Aside from another 2.5 year relationship, I have been mostly single since I separated from my DDs dad 16 years ago. Believe me I have a fair judgement on what it is like living a single life. I have never lived with another man in 16 years, never had someone to share the financial burden

Glad you found happiness with the single life. I have felt that in certain periods of time. But now I'm at an age where I wish my life was different

The only advantage I can see in being in a relationship is the finances. I’ve been single for 14 years and apart from a flurry of online dates at the beginning of that time, I haven’t had a sniff of a date or a man in my life. I’m actually so used to it that it really doesn’t bother me any more. I see friends around me in relationships and none of them are selling it to me!

I do have a child (from a fling) who lives with me and I think that makes a big difference. Maybe when I’m truly on my own I’ll think differently. But I can’t see me ever living with anyone again. I’m not a tactile person so don’t want anyone to cuddle up to me on the sofa, or hold my hand. I’d like to have sex again before I die but does it really matter if I don’t? Nope. I have great friends and family around me. I enjoy my own company.

I am surprised that I’ve ended up on my own. I always thought that a relationship would just happen. It seems to have done for everyone else! I do feel a bit of an alien when people talk about mother-in-laws, their proposals, weddings, date nights and family outings. But I have my own house, a good job and hopefully a long and happy retirement just around the corner (I’m almost 60).

I also don’t believe in ‘soulmates’. We change so much during our lifetime how can we expect someone to change in the same way and at the same time that we do? Friends come in and out of our lives and no one bats an eyelid, but if a couple find themselves growing apart they’re expected to fight tooth and nail to stay together. Why?

So, yes. Finances are the only thing I can think of that would really benefit me. You’re 38! You do still have plenty of time to meet someone if you want to. I didn’t have my child until I was in my 40s, so to me you could have it all if you want it! But in the meantime, pay as much as you can into a pension so you can retire when you’re married friends do.

I think that’s an oversimplification. Its possible to be in a “good” relationship which also makes you lose the will to live.

Sometimes its less about the person and more about what “being in a relationship” does to the people in the relationship. I think something about being formally committed to another person sucks all the joy out of it.

I’m just a step behind you. Same age, divorced after 20 year relationship, now in an unfulfilling relationship (8 years) with someone I strongly suspect has cheated right from the start and primarily used me for money. He shares the load to a small extent, sex stopped about 5 years ago and although we do have cuddles on the sofa, that’s it in terms of affection, unless I’m pleasing him. I spend way too much time trying to decide whether this meagre pittance is better than nothing at all and wish I could move forward.

It was harder being married to a cheating husband than it is being a single parent, and it’s hard being a single parent. I think the crux here is that a loving, faithful, caring partner makes for good coupledom - the opposite, being single infinitely better. Hope you’re okay ,OP. It does get lonely but then so does waiting for you husband to come home from another affair and blame it on you.

Not me. Yes I have had bad relationships but also ones with decent people. I just find being coupled and single have pluses and minuses.

However being single a long time I think I would struggle to be in a relationship even if I wanted one.

Why does it matter? I am not looking to marry them. I am just saying that it is an option that's freely available to those who want it.

I did not say that, as you would see if you bother to read my post properly. If they stay single, all well and good, but it is NOT by their choice, life in general is easier with support close by, and the closest support is with a good partner.