To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

I agree. In my 50s, 2 kids, different dads. Both dads were abusive and what prompted me not to seek out further relationships but it's been HARD.
Both kids have had their issues. No help from either dad to deal with those situations.
I work 50 hour weeks and still only just get by. House is falling down, no social life, nobody to back me up when 13 year old (who has aged me about 70 years over the past couple of years) starts acting up.
I have no social life, no nice clothes, nothing to look forward to. Nobody to take the reins and let me have time out. I'm exhausted all the time, but if I fall there's nobody to catch h me or look after the kids.
I envy people in happy partnerships but I'm terrified of normalising abusive partners and making another mistake so I stay well away.

Again I apologise for the misinterpretation. I read it as the friends with benefits also did chores. Now I see you mentioned friends and friends with benefits. My mistake. It happens. A woman I used to work with had one friend with benefits. She was lovely & the
arrangement suited them both. Nobody's judging. I simply said it wouldn't be for me & thats OK too.

You can dress it up how you want, you made a whole load of assertions so could feel sorry for me, none of which was actually in my post. Maybe just read the actual words next time before jumping on your high horse in your judgy pants.

I’m late forties, I’ve been single 8 years, not shared my home with a man fo 15 years. I have a hugely busy life with lots of friends and hobbies. But, I do miss the companionship and intimacy of being in a relationship.

I do think I romanticise being part of a couple though, I have to also remember the reasons I split up with half my exes !

I am single and am very lonely most of the time. Yes before anyone asks I have lots of lovely friends but it’s not the same thing.

I have been happily single for nearly 8 years because I found not being single so much harder. Maybe I was unlucky,but I had so many issues in my last LT relationship. And probably not helped by my various health issues. He was increasingly expecting me to look after him all the time. Never lifted a finger around the house. Never offered to cook,never got any shopping in,never did the laundry. I was becoming increasingly worn out with it all until one day I'd had enough. He honestly could not see what the problem was. Plus,I was also getting sick of him asking me to bail him out financially, despite the fact that I don't work and am on disability benefits. So,after all that shit,I feel so much happier being single.

People want different things at different stages of their life. There is no reason why you shouldn't meet a great partner in the future if that's what you want. It's great that being single is no longer seen as some big social stigma but that doesn't mean you shouldn't prefer to have a partner. But it's only helpful with finances if they are trustworthy and you both want the same things.

It doesn't change the fact I couldn't do friends with benefits as loads of people before me have also stated in other threads. I assume you don't agree with me expressing that & would prefer to dress it up as me being judgemental. I don't care what people do in their private life. It's not my business. I am free to say what I would or wouldn't do in response to posts I read.

Finally and FWIW the expression friends with benefits makes my skin crawl. I really can't stand it but again it's an opinion which we are all entitled to have. I will also emphasise it's the expression I hate not the lifestyle.

Been single most of my life..had flings and a part time complicated relationship in 30s but mostly single. Never lived with a man so always done things on my own/with child. I love being sjngle/mum but do sometimes think would be nice to have a partner that truly loved me..when I listen to Michael ball on a Sunday morning and hear people talking about the love they have for their partner etc
Oh and financially would love to share the load!! Fed up of living pay cheque to pay cheque as bills are so much

9 months since that short lived relationship ended. I have been single for 12 of the last 16 years in total. Havnt lived with another man in the full 16 years.

I've never been 1 that can't stand being single for 5 minutes, or jumping straight from 1 relationship to the next. I am coming from a place of spending the majority of adult life alone so am now at this point of where I'm no longer fine with it. Feeling now like I have missed out on the milestones we think we will reach when we are teens looking towards our adulthood. I wish I had had the experience of raising a family with someone. Getting engaged. Getting married. Buying a house together. I've never experienced any of it.

Think trying to turn this house around and seeing would would be my dream house (not even an extravagant house) come up and it being out of reach for me alone, it has made me face my limits and realise how different life would be of I had been lucky in love

I've not talked to anyone today.
I only talked to my parents yesterday.
The work week it's colleagues.

I have no one that tell about my day, to hug me, make me laugh about things, no one to bounce ideas off, stop me from making stupid decisions.

Even when I was married, although it was rubbish, there was someone else to talk to, even if it was with hatred!

My children have flown the nest and I am alone.
I have never been good at friendships, I have looked at various groups for people to make friends, but I have terrible social anxiety and I get the feeling they are actually quite cliquey.

I don't want soneone to live with, but I do want someone to love me (and is good at DIY)

I feel for you. Can understand not wanting to take the risk of finding someone new. I get that. It is hard to judge sometimes. Think maybe that is part of my problem, havnt experienced the abuse like you have had to deal with to the same extent. But some I have dated just turned out not as they seemed at 1st. Also reading stories of when things go bad. Maybe I write some men off too easy. But on the other hand better to be overly cautious than letting lust blind you.

Hope 1 day you find a good man when you are ready. I know they are out there, I see it with some friends husbands. My own relatives. Some male colleagues. So know there are decent men and not all bad. It's just finding the ones available at an older age is a problem.

Like yourself I was left to raise my DD alone, ex done a move abroad when I left, didn't want to give any financial help and the calls ended shortly after he left. So couldn't really incest time in meeting anyone back then. He moved on of course. Responsibility free and had another child. Also had the same behaviour difficulties with my DD since she turned a teenager. Led me to a bit of a breakdown last year as things got worse and worse.

Once somebody said something that really resonated with me and which I think needs to be allowed more into the discourse.

It was in the context of a Relationship Counselling weekend training.

What she said was: "... to realise that it is not given to all of us to find and to be with a life partner, and to honour that some people tread that path."
In other words: for no fault, for no reason, some of us do not find a partner for life. It just doesn't happen. It's not anyone's fault. Honour that.

Yes agree it is not the same. I am very family focused, and spend a great chunk of my weekend with them (when not having DIY chores to do).
I said to my DM a while back that I just feel so lonely most the time. She seemed some what offended and said we have nice weekends. I say sorry but it isn't the same. No matter what we do each day, I still come back alone. I finish work each day and I'm alone. If I go out for meals with friends, they go home to cuddle up with their husbands, I go back to cuddle my dog. My dog is wonderful, but they also have wonderful dogs so I can't even take the win there 😂

Compared to the idealised relationship that exists in my head, being single is pretty rubbish.

But everything is so much easier without the constant petty criticism and micromanagement.

He sounds awful. So glad you found your happiness free of that.

O yes. Good point there. Dread to think how awful life would be if I were in the same position decades ago. Feel lucky in 1 hand to have been born the year I was. In the past single women would have had a much harder life

I’ve been single for 15 years and am so grateful to be free of the bad marriage I was in but I still feel lonely at times and still hope to meet a companion who I can love and enjoy spending time with. I try to convince myself that I’m perfectly happy being on my own but no matter what I do I still feel like something is missing from my life.

As Esther Rantzen said, it's having soneone to do nothing with.
The empty house. Coming home to no one.
There are lots of horrible relationships, but there are also lots of lovely ones we don't hear about.
Children grow up and move out.

Get this. I realised a couple of weeks ago. I had had no teams calls or meetings with colleges for a couple of days. In 2 days the only time I used my voice was for minor pleasantries with the guy working in the local shop. O and to my dog at times.

On the way to yoga I sing along to a couple of songs. Just incase someone talks to me there (which they dont) as I want to make sure my unused voice don't croak out

You've got the frisson of possibilities and maybes that you could meet someone just right for you...

Love this. Wish it was expressed for to kids in teenage years, so we don't grow up thinking it a given, then feeling like some failure if it doesn't happen

I think good relationships beat single. But single beats settling.

I love being single sons have grown up I've got a grandaughter.. love my home of 4 years and my garden .
Doing it up myself .. see my friends .. keep fit .. have hobbies.. I just love it .
Maybe one day I might meet someone but I'm not looking or wishing for it I'm just living.

I dont give a damn if you wpuld do fwb or not, as i have repeatedly said but will say AGAIN, my issue was with you a) accusing me of exchanging chores for sex and b) claiming that i said all men would behave badly sooner or later when i said neither of those things in my post. I have no issue whatsover with you expressing your opinion but i take massive issue with you putting words into my mouth that a) i didnt say and b) arent true. I will say AGAIN, maybe read peoples posts properly before you respond. I will leave it there, you will either take the feedback onboard or you wont.