To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

I’m 68 - married twice 20 years and 16 years -been alone for 10 years now - enjoy male company but choose to have a FWB - see them when I want to - don’t do their washing, rarely cook - I have my life and they have theirs - do go away etc but then happy to get my own space back - I will ask for life help if necessary but don’t expect it - they normally are happy to - works for me

This is how I feel. Both me and my ex were single for six years before meeting each other. He left quite suddenly, saying I was his best friend and he loved me, but felt stressed about whether we could resolve some things like where to live together and other things he had never talked to me about until the moment of the break up. To my knowledge he is still single.

Now I have friends asking if I'm dating yet 9 months later and I just don't have the inclination. It me took me all that time to find him and I feel he disposed of a generally happy relationship very easily. The hurt is so deep that it is hard to think about laying my heart on the line again. I am single, have my own home and a good circle of friends - it would take a lot to change this in my 30s.

It depends. I don't know too many women in ltr with children that are happy. Men take you for granted after a time, are selfish and sex with the same person for years and years is boring as hell. Why don't you date? Or get a FWB?

Agree OP but thats assuming the alternative relationship was happy, loving, supportive, and all round positive. Scratch the surface of the couples you know............
The lack of safety net can be worrying though.

OP, I hated every millisecond of being single and I was single for a very long time. I can't believe I'm the only one with that experience.

I understand this is an opinion & no doubt well meaning advice although personally there is absolutely nothing in this post I agree with, apart from you mentioning 'why don't you date'

I'm 54, have been single for 16 years now, other than an ill-fated three month dalliance with a man who turned out to be married.

So many people around me seem to think I should be investing time into finding someone to 'complete' me. Stuff that!

My children are grown. I have just bought myself my own place (have been renting since I split from ex). I'm having a lovely time deciding on what I want to do with my own space, with nobody to disagree. That's not entirely true. I have a friend that clearly doesn't like what I am doing with the living room. But it doesn't matter as she doesn't live here!

I've got great friends. I am happy to go on trips and to events on my own - some of my best experiences at gigs have been solo ones.

For me, personally, I just don't see what positives a relationship, especially a 'live-in' one, would bring that would outweigh the negatives.

I've been single most of my life and love it.
Even with not much money, I can say I'm happy.

This.

Thank you. I'm not sure there are many good men when you hit me age... the good ones are all looking after their wives and the others are just bitter about their exes and don't want to talk about anything else!!
Maybe one day it'll get easier!

Well I’ve been married the best part of ten years and my DH doesn’t want to spend Friday nights with me as he ‘can’t relax’ until I’ve gone to bed. So pros and cons 🤷‍♀️

I couldn't give a flying fox about sex. I only want it if I'm in a relationship with someone I love and fancy and it's mutual. So yes it's a pain having to take full responsibility for absolutely everything but nobody else in the bed, no snoring, no duvet hogging, no critical comments, no badgering, no moaning about my driving, no broken promises and nobody being pissed and moaning about what's on TV is worth it absolutely.

Goodness!

Ah sorry-he sounds like a commitment-phobe. I'll bet he's regretting his decision now! I can see doing something like that if I ever got in a long-term relationship and it would 100% be my issues to blame not the other persons. I hope you haven't let him dent your confidence! But agree it's a big step getting into a new relationship. I wish I could do it with ease like everyone else seems to but I know I'd still be getting over it many months later if it ended so would be extremely cautious. I just don't see the potential emotional upheaval as worth it.

Give over. You're 38 so not dead yet!

I'm 47 and married to my dh who I've known since I was young. Being married is also not all that all the time. Yes I'm happy . I'm fortunate that I don't need a man to be financially stable. Focus on that.

I reckon it's nice to have someone to share the day to day with. It must get lonely in the daily grind. However a lot of my fun stuff is done with friends or dragging DH along unwillingly. I have friends with really miserable husbands who stop them doing what they want and who expect the lions share of help with dc and domestic work. With the added disadvantage of having to care for another adult. Take heart.

Maybe we have to wait for the widowers.

I was married for 16 years from 27 to 43. It was very sad when it ended but it's nothing compared to the anguish I'm feeling now. The 5½ relationship with a man I thought was my future turned out to be no such thing. He was lying, he was cheating and he was completely manipulating me and now I find myself single again at nearly 51, not wanting to be but knowing full well that my trust in men is ruined. It's a very different place to being single again at 43 still with a bit of hope. Perimenopause and crushing anxiety hadn't happened at 43. All the nice ones are indeed taken now.

I was just about to say this. When you’re single you can envy ppl in a couple, when you’re in an unhappy couple you can envy happier couples or ppl who are single.

You can never know who are really happy and everyone will experience shit times whatever their circumstances. If you’re not in a completely happy, equal, loving relationship, Friday night in can be a nightmare. At least if you’re single you have 100% control and say in what you do.

You also have hope - that you may meet someone tmoro who will be your perfect match and will adore you. If you’re stuck in a situation with someone you don’t particularly like and kids are involved then it’s a hell of a mess to get out of, for everybody involved.

It sounds condescending but value your freedom, OP.

Well unfortunately it did dent my confidence. It took 6 months of therapy to rebuild that to a place where I could thrive again.

Now I'm doing better but I still miss him a lot and miss our partnership as a couple. I do get lonely. But I am lucky in other ways. Thanks for your kind words!

I disageee op, I think your idea of a relationship might be a bit unrealistic. Having a partner dosent mean you have all your emotional and financial needs meet. Infact, I think financally you are at a disadvantage if you have a partner. When you are single you have a discount on council tax for example, you spend less money on food, heating, electric etc. It dosen mean you have someone to help you with diy or have someone to spend Friday night with. What you need are a few good friends, who can provide you emotional support. I have been married 26 years, and I think that being single is the answer. I still take on the brunt of the bills, im still stuck at home because my husband is very anti social and likes to be in bed by 9pm evan in holiday. I have to clean up after him, cook for him and what do I get back in return ?. Better off single

Council tax?!? You get a 25% discount. I.e you are paying 25% more than if you were paying half of the full bill which you would be if you were part of a couple. You are paying all the mortgage, rent, insurance, broadband. You don't spend half of what a couple spends on power because loads of a bill is standing charges I.e a fixed charge - so you are paying a lot more than half. You don't heat your house half as much just because there's one person in it not two. You spend less money on food but your household income is half as much! You might not be as confident with DIY so you have to buy in someone's services, and believe me the result is often not much better than it would be if a gung ho husband had had a go.

I as a single woman am far less well off than my coupled up friends. You also pay comparatively more for holidays unless you can find some other single friends to go with.

You personally might be better off socially and emotionally if you were single. And I agree, your husband sounds absolutely lame and my advice to you is go and be single.

But don't kid yourself that it's anything other than much harder financially.

Might be a ‘grass always greener’ thing…I’m in a less than perfect marriage at the moment and being single sounds tempting, I even said to a friend the other day that if I get divorced, I’d never live with a man again. But I can also remember the times when I was single and I really wanted a relationship. I’d say a very happy relationship beats being single (for me), but being single beats a mediocre relationship, and I’m getting to the disillusioned point where I feel that mediocre is what you get with most men, sooner or later.

I’d say a very happy relationship beats being single (for me), but being single beats a mediocre relationship, and I’m getting to the disillusioned point where I feel that mediocre is what you get with most men, sooner or later.

Sad but very true. I might get it made into a banner!