To think being single is not all it's cracked up to be

[BrokenWingsCantFly]

I see a post every day that makes me think "thank god I am single and don't have to deal with that". But really, people only post when they are feeling down dont they? I assume the majority of relationships / marriages are ticking along nicely, but no one is going to post about how happy and content they are, so we only read about 1 side.

I'm here now on a Friday night doing DIY alone, in the hope of selling my house in a few months. This has stirred a few thoughts. Firstly, if I was in a relationship, then like in previous relationships, I would have someone to do fun things with tonight instead of this. Then, if i had found my person years ago, we would be doing the DIY together as a joint gain. Or they would be doing it like many relationships. Then, when it comes to buying i have a decent budget but just think about how many more options I would have if I had a partner on a similar salary with a similar deposit.

It feels sometimes like trying to live life with 1 hand tied behind your back. No matter how strongly independent you feel, life would be easier with a partner. There is no safety net, which terrifies me often, if I loose my job, even for a month or 2 I would really struggle as no one else is going to pick up the bills for a while.

I'm 38 so no spring chicken. Growing up i assumed everyone just met their person and got married and life just worked out. Luckily I know a couple of other successful beautiful women my age who have also been unlucky in love, so feel less odd or alone in this

It just feels like no matter what I achieve in life. I could achieve more with a supportive partner by my side

Your dream house and house you live in now sounds exactly the same as me. Lot of food for thought there about getting to make all the deco choices and protecting my DD inheritance. I think I would just never marry to make sure my half is safe for my DD.
My friends have families. That's where their focus is for holidays and for weekends. I take my DD once a year. But have no one for the out of season trips due to college, plus cost of 2 people, plus she only likes it when it is hot and doesn't like exploring. She no longer wants to come on the UK weekend breaks we use to do regularly either, so I do less, with just me and the dog. The dog is the ideal travel companion for the days. The nights feel lonely though, I feel a bit out of place if I go down to the bar

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel the way you do OP. Even if just financially life now is typically easier if you have a 2 income household.

My friends & I were discussing this just the other day as one of my friends was promoted last year now earning £40k a year which she was absolutely thrilled with until she ended up single again at the end of last year. Now she is living alone she was telling us her £40k salary basically disappears into mortgage/bills/car/food shopping and she is constantly worried about losing the job because it is all on her. Having 2 incomes, even if they aren’t huge ones, is usually both financially easier and also less stressful as at least it one person were to lose it/be made redundant/become unwell there is a second income to keep the basics ticking over.

Thank you 😊
I think being autistic doesn't help. I find going on dates exhausting and never look forward to it. I put on a fake smile and hide my uncomfort and dred. Usually they go ok but I find it hard to feel that connection or seeing myself being able to be intimate with many people. After 1 date I then struggle to want to make the effort finding a new person to go on a date with as they are often just a waste of time. I been on only 3 dates in the last 9 months. I wish I could trick my brain into thinking of them as just a fun few hours out, even if they lead nowhere. I know I need to make more effort if I want to meet the one

You will get loads of people telling you how happy they are single on these posts. That's great for them, but it's a bit tone deaf to tell that to someone who isn't happy.

I've been single 10 years. I used to be married and I liked being married. I don't like being single, but in 10 years I've not met anyone to have a relationship with. I've never got beyond date 4 with anyone. I haven't touched another person in years apart from brief hugs from my children.

I have children but they're adults now, or nearly. I have friends, but I still hate coming home alone. I'm not someone who enjoys holidays alone. To me the pleasure of a holiday is having someone to share it with. I get quite depressed and anxious if I spend too much time alone. I did consider a cruise, but single fares are far too expensive.

I'm not in a house I particularly like, but I can't afford to move, as I still need to house my children and I can't afford a suitable house in another area.

But the particular low point was collapsing on the floor at work when I was ill and them asking who to call for me and I had to say "noone".

I hate being single, it really doesn't suit me. I sympathise.

Having a high income generally makes life easier and more enjoyable and gives you more opportunities to choose than being a average earner and much easier than being poor.

A second income in a household is therefore helpful. It's not unreasonable to say that.

But what do you want the outcome of this post to be?

A loving, supportive relationship with a kind, respectful, funny, interesting man who does his fair share around the house and enjoys similar activities while also increasing your household income significantly would be great.

I am also similar age and long term single. I can recognise that.

But it's not like we get the choice to just go out and start that relationship, is it? And sadly there doesn't appear to be loads of men out there that meet those criteria.

My long term thinking is looking at co-living. Group of excellent female friends, in a jointly owned building converted into small (but stylish) flats but with a large communal kitchen, living room, gym, gardens for shared dining and activities (but with own small kitchen in flat when you can't want to be alone). Add some shared guest bedrooms that can be reserved so families can visit. Community and support and companionship for independent women. That's the dream.

I know you mentioned you don't like dating apps & no doubt you've had less than perfect outcomes. I know lots of women who have had positive experiences & they have met some very compatible men.

One work colleague in particular was being pursued by a man who was not her type looks wise & according to his profile he was shorter than her which put her off. I persuaded her to at least give him a chance given they had similar interests & goals etc. They are now happily married & her only regret is she didn't meet him sooner in life.

I understand the sentiment OP.

You would like to share your life. Have someone ask if you fancy a tea, or what shall we eat/watch/do tonight? It feels good to have someone think about you, consider you, and have you in their heart. It is also nice to give that to someone.

Clearly, those who have been badly or poorly treated find happiness and relief in not having the burden of someone else. My aunt springs to mind. She is thriving.

But I do think that in the main, humans always have and always will, build some sort of family unit.

Just so you know, I met dh at 38. The oldest two are in uni now and the youngest is getting close.

Has it been perfect? Definitely not.

But it has been good. It has been our unique, flawed, frustrating, loving, time together.

I am grateful for it, would not swop it, and so very glad I jumped into it.

That last relationship was short lived, in the last 16 years, I have been single for 12 of them in total. When I was younger I thought it is fine and I will find my person when the time is right. Now I'm at a place of looking for my forever home and it has just made me realise that I never thought I would be doing this move alone. That I would get to this point in my life and still have no-one.

I do try to look for the positive side, but after doing years of it. I've experienced enough of that now. Enough being a tough independent woman. And the realisation is that my dream home is not, or ever will be affordable alone so I will always just be settling. Guess I've only just realised my limits of what I can realistically achieve by myself, and a little envious of my friends and family who have built up an amazing lifestyle together

Apparently, the happiest group of people are single women with no children. Some people really are happy and fulfilled in a relationship. But I’d guesstimate that the majority are not and only stick it out because of money, housing, the kids, or a fear of loneliness.

@Thepeopleversuswork
That's a matter of opinion & due to personal preference.

Personally I'd rather be in a 'formally committed relationship' which feels like a solid anchor in a life filled with stormy seas than float about with nobody to rely on day & night when needed. To love & be loved in return obviously helps.

I suggested this in an earlier AIBU and the majority said I was being ridiculous. But I’m still sure this is what is going on for many.

It's good you have friends in simular situation to yourself so you can build a shared goal.

What do I want out of this post?
What i got i suppose:

To vent, in real life I put on a brave front of almost portraying i am proud I can do it all alone and see admiting my feelings on this as admitting to failure.

To hear others in the same boat feeling the same. Solidarity in numbers and all that. know 2 women in real life who have been single their whole lives. Both also successful careers and owning their own starter homes. The one we have shared difficulties in finding a decent man, but havnt got into the deep stuff of how that makes us feel or how we are finding doing life alone. The other, although she is on the apps and dating, she just portrays the same as I do, that look how great it is that I am doing all this by my self

To hear the sides of the women happy alone and their reasons, in the hope of being able to convince myself to be happier bout things.

To hear from the women who were in the same boat and have found love later in life, so I have some hope that my time will come.

Edited to add that a couple of posters have said about saving for a safety net. I was going to make extra payments towards the mortgage the next few months before I sell to kind of increase my deposit. After their advise I am now going to save the extra payments instead until I have enough. That was a big takeaway from this thread. I had always thought pay off debts 1st, apart from a low amount of savings for rainy day things such as car needs

Yes, that's what I would like. I love cooking for a partner and my food be appreciated. To get into a tv series together. My last relationship felt so close to being the right 1. We liked doing all the same things, would head out on a Saturday or Sunday with no plan in mind and always find fun things to do together. Liked the same sort of shows to binge on in the weekdays he come over, all cuddled up. Then the lies started to show and it all went south.

Thanks for sharing your story of finding your match at my age. There is hope yet

When I was single, I had fun Friday nights.

After I was married I’ve spent time doing boring DIY.

Life is what you make it.

The best support I have ever had is from my siblings. I’ve never had a partner that’s been there for me. I much prefer to be single but maybe that’s because I’ve never had a good relationship. I found the whole ‘looking for a suitable partner’ thing exhausting. I’m baffled at how some people find it so easy and even exciting!

Autism has such a huge spectrum of symptoms . I have an autistic friend with traits that could also be described has having personality traits which are more unusual such as hating restaurants where there are clattering dishes, loud music & continuous inane chatter. She has other traits like being able to smell things others can't & she becomes anxious if plans change. Her partner is used to her foibles & loves her because she is intelligent, funny, caring & sensitive. She also works out in a flash how much money everyone is due to pay when out for group meals 😂

There is definitely someone out there for you OP. You just need to make the best of your unique self & as you said, make more effort, be open about your traits without shouting I'm autistic & stop trying to hide your true personality💐

It all depends on the relationship. You are comparing single life to the relationship ‘ideal’. Real relationships come with lots of problems too, and often these can outweigh the good things.

Of course and everyone is different. But I have to challenge the narrative that you see on here a lot that if you are happy single it means something has gone badly wrong in your relationships.

Some people are more comfortable in a committed relationship and others genuinely function better alone. And that’s not because they are “bitter” or have been hurt.

I'd like a relationship and was in relationships continuously from 18 - 47 ish (now 53). Men my age mostly look like Mr Potato Head and the available ones are also mostly a bit dim. I can't see how I could possibly find someone who didn't annoy me. They'd have to fit into my routine and only speak at certain times :). Also, there's no way I'm going back to watching action films etc. If they don't want to watch Jane Austen adaptations I'm not interested. They'd also have absolutely no say in how I decorated.

Sweetheart I have so much empathy. I was in that position probably for the last 2 years of the 5½ relationship. Looking back that was clearly when he started the relationship with the OW. So many bloody lies.

I will say this: that as much as I was agonising over "surely I deserve more than these crumbs" vs the terror of being alone (no more days out. No more pub lunches. No more evenings in front of the telly. No more sex), he ended it anyway. Brutally. And now I wish VERY much that I'd been strong and self respecting enough to end it first, because what I'm left with is worse: feeling like absolutely nothing. Only you can decide, but that's what I wish.

I love this post!

And yes, your average 50 year old available man tends to be physically a way past his best, yet still thinks he deserves someone "hot". I'm thinking of my paunchy, short legged, balding, man boobed ex. Yet the thing is, the woman he was having an affair with (and is now "with" full time, though I suspect serial adulterers never change their spots) is a bit younger, slim, long blond shiny hair, active and objectively rather more attractive than he is. I suspect that she, like I was, is blinded by the fact that he has a well paid job with proper hero status, and a big cock.

I had a successful aunt who was attractive, had a successful career, never married & had very few relationships in her life. I plucked up the courage to ask her why & to be honest I started thinking she might have been a lesbian which I'd have had no issues with if she was. We had the conversation & it turned out she was only ever interested in men but had little or no sex drive & relationships always fizzled out. She was always happy probably because intimacy in that way was never something she missed. Everyone is definitely different & shouldn't be judged for their choices. Safe to say I definitely never inherited my aunts traits 😂

What more can you ask for 😂
Only joking of course

This sounds absolutely bloody brilliant.

I was at the surgery for a check this morning. Was chatting to the nurse, who'd been having a really hard time. We shared stories, had a bit of a sniffle and a hug. Unprofessional? Maybe, but it struck me how bloody brilliant and supportive middle aged women are generally.

Sorry for cluster post.

Not in my experience. I was in a really good marriage that drifted the last few years and I’m still good friends with my ex.
I never in a million years thought I’d be single in my 50’d but now I’ve been totally single as in not even really dated for over 6 years and I honestly can’t imagine being in a relationship again.
Even if I met Mr Perfect tomorrow, I would never ever cohabit again. The thought of having another man living in my space disturbing my peace fills me with horror. I can’t imagine coming home from work and having someone want to talk to me - I relish the silence of my flat.