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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just isn't interested in DS

581 replies

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:31

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 06/02/2026 17:36

Why did he decide on having another child?

Snoken · 06/02/2026 17:38

Most parents are able to work and be an engaging parent so I think you have to just assume that this is it and your kids will grow up feeling rejected and confused and later on in their childhoods angry and then indifferent towards him. If you are ”lucky” he will find them more interesting when they are older, but the connection won’t be there then. You can nag but he doesn’t care so any engagement from him won’t be genuine.

Springisnearlyspring · 06/02/2026 17:39

What treatment is he getting for the sleep apnoea? Working nights wreaks havoc with health and reality of sleeping in day with 2 small children won’t be good quality sleep. Could he switch to days.
I’m surprised he wanted another dc.
Realistically you need to speak to him.
I suspect your guess of you doing everything for two despite surgery will be spot on.

WhatNoRaisins · 06/02/2026 17:39

Is there anything that can be done to improve his sleep quality? I think 2 can be a bit of a difficult age for a lot of parents but if he's too exhausted to even try then I don't see what's going to get better.

HeadyLamarr · 06/02/2026 17:42

A CPAP machine can change his life, if he's knackered all the time. Being perpetually overtired drag people down.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:45

MostlyHappyMummy · 06/02/2026 17:36

Why did he decide on having another child?

I believe he loves my son. He knew as soon as we had our son I would want at least 1 more if not more.

His family are very unattached so I'm not sure if he just needs encouragement to learn how to have a close relationship with the kids and release his playful side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:46

Snoken · 06/02/2026 17:38

Most parents are able to work and be an engaging parent so I think you have to just assume that this is it and your kids will grow up feeling rejected and confused and later on in their childhoods angry and then indifferent towards him. If you are ”lucky” he will find them more interesting when they are older, but the connection won’t be there then. You can nag but he doesn’t care so any engagement from him won’t be genuine.

Is it a case of its something he can learn? His family aren't exactly loving/close so I'm not sure hes used to it.

Does he just need help learning how to relax/play?

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 06/02/2026 17:47

He really should be making an effort to bond with his kids no matter what their ages or how interesting he finds it! Do I want to play ice cream shops with my 2 year old? No. Do I want to put socks on all her soft toys? No. Do I want to play hide and seek where she’s meant to count but she forgets and hides as well so then we are both hiding? No. Do I do it, suggest it and laugh my head off at it because I love her and want to play and engage with her? Absolutely!

Having less time because of nights and sleep apnoea is not a good enough excuse for the time he’s staring at his phone or into space…..!

FuzzyWolf · 06/02/2026 17:51

He needs to take responsibility for his his health issues to stop them impacting on the family.

Some people shouldn’t be parents. He’s had two years to learn so I don’t know why you think he needs even longer to get there.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:51

Springisnearlyspring · 06/02/2026 17:39

What treatment is he getting for the sleep apnoea? Working nights wreaks havoc with health and reality of sleeping in day with 2 small children won’t be good quality sleep. Could he switch to days.
I’m surprised he wanted another dc.
Realistically you need to speak to him.
I suspect your guess of you doing everything for two despite surgery will be spot on.

He has been on a CPAP machine for just over a year. It made a huge difference as he couldn't even stay awake to drive pre diagnosis (crashed his car by falling asleep whilst waiting for the diagnosis).

I don't think working nights helps him but hes only recently moved to his new store so finding a new position right now wont look great. It would also involve an 8k paycut which isn't ideal but I do think eventually he will have to move back to days.

Yes unfortunately I think I have to accept I will have to find a way to juggle DS with the baby and the pain. DS wont even walk to the car unless I go with him and put him in his carseat as hes a but of a mummys boy but thats to he expected as I get the most time with him.

OP posts:
Snoken · 06/02/2026 17:52

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:46

Is it a case of its something he can learn? His family aren't exactly loving/close so I'm not sure hes used to it.

Does he just need help learning how to relax/play?

Show quote history

He doesn’t seem at all interested in learning. It’s not like he’s trying and getting it wrong. He’d rather scroll mindlessly on his phone than interact with his child. I would assume that’s not how he treats other people, if he was as uninterested in you you would have never got together.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:52

HeadyLamarr · 06/02/2026 17:42

A CPAP machine can change his life, if he's knackered all the time. Being perpetually overtired drag people down.

He has been on the CPAP machine for just over a year.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 06/02/2026 17:56

I don’t think a CPAP machine is going to solve this. Sleep apnoea may well be contributing to the general sluggishness, but in any half-decent parent the relationship with your child would be prioritised. In his case it seems that it’s the first thing to go. I have parented small kids while seriously ill, I still managed to be loving and engaged and do as much as possible with them within my limitations. The difference is, I wanted to, because I loved them and they were everything to me. If he doesn’t feel it, then there’s nothing on earth that will fix this. I would be making plans to split, rather than have my children spend their formative years in daily contact with someone who ought to adore them and doesn’t. I doubt he’d fight you for shared custody 😞

GoldDuster · 06/02/2026 17:57

A few questions - the depression that you feel prevented him bonding with DC1, is that being dealt with? Is his sleep apnoea being dealt with? Did he want DC2 or just go along for the ride because he knew you would want more?

No this isn't normal. Your DC1 isn't a "mummy's boy", he's just normally attached to the caregiver that is responsive to his needs.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:57

Lmnop22 · 06/02/2026 17:47

He really should be making an effort to bond with his kids no matter what their ages or how interesting he finds it! Do I want to play ice cream shops with my 2 year old? No. Do I want to put socks on all her soft toys? No. Do I want to play hide and seek where she’s meant to count but she forgets and hides as well so then we are both hiding? No. Do I do it, suggest it and laugh my head off at it because I love her and want to play and engage with her? Absolutely!

Having less time because of nights and sleep apnoea is not a good enough excuse for the time he’s staring at his phone or into space…..!

I think part of the issue is my son isn't really at the age of doing a lot of asking him to play with certain things and my partner doesn't know how to enagage with idle play.

But he 100% doesn't have the ability to take the initiative to engage with him or talk to him when hes babbling. I am hoping he will learn or it will become easier as DS talks or wants to play specific things but its just a bit if a worry. I am super close with my dad but my partner doesn't have that with his family so I'm not sure if its a difference in upbringings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:01

FuzzyWolf · 06/02/2026 17:51

He needs to take responsibility for his his health issues to stop them impacting on the family.

Some people shouldn’t be parents. He’s had two years to learn so I don’t know why you think he needs even longer to get there.

He has his CPAP machine which helps masissively but yes there are other things he could do to improve it.

I guess I try to think that the first year was a write off due to waiting for the sleep apnea diagnosis so he was never really awake if he wasn't at work plus the depression making it hard to bond. I then think he only gets maybe 10-14 hours a week with DS so I guess I give him a bit of understanding that he doesn't get a lot of time to learn how to play with DS. It also doesn't help DS is very much mummys boy so If I am around he will generally choose to play with me rather than my partner. Although they are learning to roughhouse a bit so perhaps thats progress?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:04

Snoken · 06/02/2026 17:52

He doesn’t seem at all interested in learning. It’s not like he’s trying and getting it wrong. He’d rather scroll mindlessly on his phone than interact with his child. I would assume that’s not how he treats other people, if he was as uninterested in you you would have never got together.

Show quote history

I mean he doesn't mindlessly scroll he usually reads a book on his phone. Its a case of he will try to play with DS but if DS starts to play independently even for a second my DP switches off. He doesn't really talk to him to enagage him or initiate the play.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 06/02/2026 18:05

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:01

He has his CPAP machine which helps masissively but yes there are other things he could do to improve it.

I guess I try to think that the first year was a write off due to waiting for the sleep apnea diagnosis so he was never really awake if he wasn't at work plus the depression making it hard to bond. I then think he only gets maybe 10-14 hours a week with DS so I guess I give him a bit of understanding that he doesn't get a lot of time to learn how to play with DS. It also doesn't help DS is very much mummys boy so If I am around he will generally choose to play with me rather than my partner. Although they are learning to roughhouse a bit so perhaps thats progress?

Show quote history

He chooses you because he has learnt that you are responsive to his needs. It’s not because he’s a mummy’s boy; any child will go to the person who cares for them over someone who ignores them.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:07

sprigatito · 06/02/2026 17:56

I don’t think a CPAP machine is going to solve this. Sleep apnoea may well be contributing to the general sluggishness, but in any half-decent parent the relationship with your child would be prioritised. In his case it seems that it’s the first thing to go. I have parented small kids while seriously ill, I still managed to be loving and engaged and do as much as possible with them within my limitations. The difference is, I wanted to, because I loved them and they were everything to me. If he doesn’t feel it, then there’s nothing on earth that will fix this. I would be making plans to split, rather than have my children spend their formative years in daily contact with someone who ought to adore them and doesn’t. I doubt he’d fight you for shared custody 😞

I know he loves my son. You can see it in the moments he does enagage with him just how much he loves him. Those moments are just not as frequent as I would like but I appreciate they dont get a lot of time together to work on it.

OP posts:
Snoken · 06/02/2026 18:07

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:04

I mean he doesn't mindlessly scroll he usually reads a book on his phone. Its a case of he will try to play with DS but if DS starts to play independently even for a second my DP switches off. He doesn't really talk to him to enagage him or initiate the play.

Show quote history

Yea, feels like the same thing. He’s still showing a disinterest towards his child. It’s fine letting your child play by themselves of course, but since he spends such little time with him he should really want to make the most of it.

Snoken · 06/02/2026 18:08

Actually, have you asked him what kind of relationship he would like to have with his child and if he’s striving to mimic the one he has with his dad?

museumum · 06/02/2026 18:11

Get him to take him outside exploring. I never enjoyed playing with toddlers at home (although I did it) but going out to the woods or beach or to watch trains or look at sheep or ducks or anything really felt much less awkward. And at 2 they need your 100% attention outside so it’s easier for the adult to fully engage. I also think he’d probe better if you weren’t around as he’d have to step up.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:11

GoldDuster · 06/02/2026 17:57

A few questions - the depression that you feel prevented him bonding with DC1, is that being dealt with? Is his sleep apnoea being dealt with? Did he want DC2 or just go along for the ride because he knew you would want more?

No this isn't normal. Your DC1 isn't a "mummy's boy", he's just normally attached to the caregiver that is responsive to his needs.

He came off his anti-depressants I think 4-5 months ago as he said he felt better (i have kept checking this is the case before DC2 arrives as I don't want it to trigger a relapse) and he has a CPAP machine which has helped a lot with the sleep apnea although he still gets very tired quickly or falls asleep if he isnt enagage in something. But he can at least be awake enough to drive/work.

He said he wanted DC2. He also knows how much I want more kids so its never 100% clear.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 06/02/2026 18:12

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:45

I believe he loves my son. He knew as soon as we had our son I would want at least 1 more if not more.

His family are very unattached so I'm not sure if he just needs encouragement to learn how to have a close relationship with the kids and release his playful side.

Show quote history

So you wanted a second at any cost despite knowing your DH is a crap dad to the child he already has? Ok

chateauneufdupapa · 06/02/2026 18:15

No, it’s not normal. Currently listening to my DH playing imaginative games with my 2 year old, and he’s always lifting her in the air, dancing with her, doing silly songs, reading books and the like. Your DP is letting both you and your son down. Doesn’t matter how much he earns, he’s being crap and you shouldn’t feel guilty for raising it. Maybe he struggles to know how to meet kids on their level but in that case he needs to be amenable to learning.