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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP just isn't interested in DS

581 replies

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 17:31

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:48

SantiagoShaming · 06/02/2026 18:40

This may or may not help, but I was also rubbish at playing. I hated it. I took care of all of DCs needs like feeding, bathing, healthcare stuff and I loved reading to them but I would have never initiated play or wanted to do it for more than 10 minutes. Apparently I didn’t even really ‘play’ as a child. I only really enjoyed reading, drawing/colouring and helping my Mum with her jobs around the house. I had zero interest in toys and didn’t much like other children, preferring to sit listening to adults talking—which my Mum really didn’t appreciate!

However! Once DC was about 7 and became (so sorry, but it’s true!) more interesting company I really started to enjoy parenting a lot more because we could share more interests. DC is grown up now, but we have a great relationship and loads in common.

I just wanted to reassure you that their relationship isn’t doomed, but I get that you want more help. Can you direct him to more practical things that don’t involve playing? If he’s anything like me (and my Mum, if I’m honest. She didn’t do playing either but it wasn’t expected then) he’ll probably be more helpful in terms of caring in in those ways.

Edited

Thank you. Thats gives me some hope it will improve as he gets older.

Unfortunatley in terms of practical help he doesnt really get time to help with anything. He isnt here for the mornings and is sleeping during naptime and usually bedtime and DS wont go to bed if I don't do bedtime. He does so some cooking on his 1 day off.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 06/02/2026 18:51

MostlyHappyMummy · 06/02/2026 17:36

Why did he decide on having another child?

I wanted to say the exact same thing initially, before going on to sympathise with OP.

ValidPistachio · 06/02/2026 18:52

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:38

Honestly I think unless my partner was abusive nothing would have stopped me having DC2. I love my partner and dropped my career to be there for my kids so stopping with 1 was never something I would do. My son gets an insane amount of love and isn't subjected to abuse or arguments.

Do I desperately want my partner to gain a stronger relationship with him 100% but ai don't think hes a crap dad. He will give my son love and he will try to have a relationship with him it just isnt as much of a engaging relationship as I would like but I really hope I can help him to gain that relationship. I just get fed up of nagging but feel bad as I appreciate he doesn't get a lot of time.

Show quote history

That sounds rather selfish. Now you've lumbered not one, but two children with a father who seems to have no interest in them. Will you be going for a third?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:52

Enrichetta · 06/02/2026 18:42

@Karma1387 - you have two children with a partner who has no interest in being a parent, you have reduced your work hours (?given up on career progression?), and you are not married.

Do you have a plan on how you will manage financially when it all goes tits up?

I quit my career after my maternity leave with DS. I just do 2 shift as basic retail worker now. We are getting married this year or next.

I haven't even thought about it. I dont think it will end badly but if it does I would then have to work out a plan.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 06/02/2026 18:56

This thread is a sad example of baby at any cost mentality. Crap dad, gave up career, works part time minimum wage and not even legally protects by marriage. Sigh.

Salvadoridory · 06/02/2026 18:57

Does your son have a separate biological father? You keep calling him "my son"

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:58

GiantTeddyIsTired · 06/02/2026 18:47

Wait - you're not married, and he's completely disinterested in your family? This is a very dangerous situation for you - you need to get back to work as soon as you can.

Have him do bedtimes. That's what I had my disengaged ex do so at least I had 15 minutes to myself (which being a mug, I often used to tidy up). At least yours will read to the kids.

But seriously - you need to prepare for the worst here.

I work 2 shifts as a basic retail worker now. I left my managerial role after DS maternity leave ended.

He is usually asleep during bedtimes so he can't help with that. DS also wouldn't have me not do bedtime. Its taken us this long to get him to go to bed without screaming for me and waking up constantly. I wouldnt risk messing that up. I will already have a newborn keeping me up all night whilst DP is at work I couldnt cope with both waking up.

He will read with him when they have time together but if they only get an hour together a day I would just love it to be a super engaged hour which at the moment it isn't. I just want to help him, it obviously doesn't come naturally for him and I want to help them gain a bond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:00

outerspacepotato · 06/02/2026 18:47

If he loved his son, he would be spending time with him.

I know this is a lot with you preparing for a section, but he might need to be screened for depression.

Night shift workers engage with their children. It might not be all day, but they get up and spend time with them every day.

Show quote history

He came off his meds I think about 4-5 months ago. I ask regularily if hes sure hes okay but he seems to he confident he isnt depressed just tired and struggles with playing with him.

I have wondered about diabetes as I have heard that can make you tired so he has said he will contact doctors to see if they will test him for it.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/02/2026 19:02

Well, he doesn’t have to engage in play when you’re recovering from the CSection. He has to wash him, dress him, feed him, take him out, give him naps, put him to bed. So hopefully at the end of it all, he’ll have a better idea of how to be a dad. Do NOT step in and do it all for him.

UnbeatenMum · 06/02/2026 19:02

I think he sounds exhausted to be honest, even with the CPAP machine. If he's not working for a few weeks after you give birth hopefully he will have a bit more energy?

sittingonabeach · 06/02/2026 19:03

Can he do a parenting course?

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:03

Topjoe19 · 06/02/2026 18:47

He sounds absolutely, totally knackered.

Can he do an activity rather than play? Like take him swimming for an hour, for a kick about & play in the playground, take him to the library?

He did try swimming lessons on his 1 day off for the last couple of months but DS hates it so we have stopped and by the time DS wakes from his nap its usually dark so they dont get to go out in the evening.

I am looking for something else for them to do on his day off and soon it will be brighter so they can enjoy some outside time in evening on his day off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:06

BreadstickBurglar · 06/02/2026 18:48

Why not try starting a new rule for both of you that phones stay out of the room where your DC is, when you’re both home? Find a place to keep them eg in the hall or bedroom. That way he will not be distracted when he’s playing.

Your local children’s centres might do special dad days. They should be able to direct him to some learning materials or a course. It’s not acceptable to just not engage with your children. It damages them.

I do keep saying we need to do the no phone thing especially on the days he only gets an hour with him. Although it doesn't stop him from zoning out or falling asleep but at least he wouldn't be able to read.

Unfortunately there isnt anything for dads in our area and no groups on his day off. But I do need to find an activity for them to do on his day off.

OP posts:
HeadyLamarr · 06/02/2026 19:06

I'm not generally one to excuse useless blokes, but in terms of DH not knowing how to get on the floor and play or to engage with a toddler - this is so ridiculously common in people who had fairly absent parents.

I had a sister in law like this. DP was like this for the first year or two until he found his confidence. His own parents were bloody hopeless with the grandchildren until they were at least 7 or 8.

Show him how, and have a real discussion about why it's so important. DP has been a bloody fab father, he just didn't have any idea what was expected at the start because he'd never been parented by a loving and interested one himself.

JayJayj · 06/02/2026 19:07

Why are you looking for something for them to do? He is a capable adult that can do that himself. Except he doesn’t want to.
If he is only getting an hour a day when he’s working but can’t engage for that hour it’s because he doesn’t want to. I think you have been rather selfish to have another child to be neglected by their dad.

Abuse doesn’t have to be verbal or physical or even on purpose. Your children will be lacking a father that wanted them.

Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:08

ShawnaMacallister · 06/02/2026 18:48

I guess you'll be ok while they are young enough not to really notice that they get all the love and care from their mum and very little from their dad. Once they get to about 7/8 years old you won't be able to compensate and they will absolutely be damaged by this. But you wanted a second, so cool. That's all that matters!

Show quote history

I am hoping that as they get older he will gain more of a bond with them as they will be able to do things that interest him a bit more than naming animal toys etc.

OP posts:
VacayDreamer · 06/02/2026 19:15

This is salvageable OP. My dh was a bit clueless with our baby girl at first but he learned.

When dc2 came along my dh was great - here are some of the things they “bonded over”:

  1. lego (until age 3 it was just duplo) - soooooo much Lego
  2. wooden train set with battery operated engines
  3. washing DH’s car
  4. any form of DIY - even a little dc age 3 can help hold, measure or unscrew things
  5. age 4 ScalectriX
  6. Age 2 my ds loved to use his new balance bike. My dh loves cycling and by age 4 they both would go for little rides together. Nowadays, ds is 7 and dh takes him on hour long track and path rides and also they do some MTB when the weather is nice.
  7. wall climbing - dh loves taking ds bouldering, you can start around age 4
  8. Top Trumps from age 4
  9. Going to the beach
  10. going to the playground
  11. watching football
  12. playing catch with a verysoftball
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:15

ValidPistachio · 06/02/2026 18:52

That sounds rather selfish. Now you've lumbered not one, but two children with a father who seems to have no interest in them. Will you be going for a third?

Show quote history

He loves them and I truly believe he has an interest and just doesn't know how to build that bond and express himself. He cuddles and kisses my son and never turns down his love and affection or reading a book. I just persoanally feel he needs to do a bit more with his very limited time with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:17

ShawnaMacallister · 06/02/2026 18:56

This thread is a sad example of baby at any cost mentality. Crap dad, gave up career, works part time minimum wage and not even legally protects by marriage. Sigh.

I don't think hes a crap dad. I just think he needs to work a bit harder at creating a bond with the little time he has with our son. I'm not sure what giving up my career or working part time minimum wage has to do with my kids (besides the marriage part which yes I understand would give me protections of his pension etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:18

Salvadoridory · 06/02/2026 18:57

Does your son have a separate biological father? You keep calling him "my son"

No my son is both our children. Its just have a tendsncy to say my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 19:24

bridgetreilly · 06/02/2026 19:02

Well, he doesn’t have to engage in play when you’re recovering from the CSection. He has to wash him, dress him, feed him, take him out, give him naps, put him to bed. So hopefully at the end of it all, he’ll have a better idea of how to be a dad. Do NOT step in and do it all for him.

I will still be doing naptimes and bedtimes as my son wont do it without me and I am already sad enough about the fact I wont be able to carry him so I wont risk him feeling more abandoned by me if I dont do bedtime etc.

My partner has been doing baths whilst I have been pregnant anyway so thats not an issue. He will also happily take over cooking for 6 weeks as he hates my cooking.

Its the entertaining part that worries me as I know DS will gravitate more towards me and I don't want to be in the position of having to say no but him not getting the level of interaction he needs from my partner. I am hoping the weather will improve over the next few weeks so they can get out in the garden as thats a bit easier for my partner to stay awake for. I do worry about the evenings though and him being able to stay awake but worst case if baby is fed and happy to just sleep I can stay up with DS.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 06/02/2026 19:27

I'm not sure what giving up my career or working part time minimum wage has to do with my kids (besides the marriage part which yes I understand would give me protections of his pension etc)

Well, having children generally puts women at a disadvantage in terms of financial independence and career progression. Which is why so many women end up as impoverished single parents and/or poor retirees. So it’s definitely something to consider before deciding to have children.

As for the pension, there is nothing stopping him from naming you as his beneficiary, even if you are not married. Although he can of course change this at any time.

I dont think it will end badly but if it does I would then have to work out a plan.

You would be wise to plan - and act - now, rather than hope it won’t happen.

user1476613140 · 06/02/2026 19:27

museumum · 06/02/2026 18:11

Get him to take him outside exploring. I never enjoyed playing with toddlers at home (although I did it) but going out to the woods or beach or to watch trains or look at sheep or ducks or anything really felt much less awkward. And at 2 they need your 100% attention outside so it’s easier for the adult to fully engage. I also think he’d probe better if you weren’t around as he’d have to step up.

I was also going to suggest exercise for the partner so he's getting outside to help his depression. Which is turn may help with engaging with his DS as they'll have a memory to share together "remember that day we played at the park".

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 06/02/2026 19:34

My husband had an awful experience with his father (his father was jealous of him and went out of his way to sabotage my husband). But my DH is an amazing father to our children. Nobody showed him how to be a father but he figured it out because he wan motivated. He reads books, talks to people about parenting etc.
I am very sad for your DCs, they would be better off having no father instead of a father who has no interest in them.

Waterbaby41 · 06/02/2026 19:35

Karma1387 · 06/02/2026 18:07

I know he loves my son. You can see it in the moments he does enagage with him just how much he loves him. Those moments are just not as frequent as I would like but I appreciate they dont get a lot of time together to work on it.

Show quote history

Please stop the 'he loves my son' - he has two a parents but just you.