DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

were you given time to ‘learn it ‘ ? No.

I'm not sure if ignores the right word. If DS brings him a book he will read to him or if he brings him a specific toy he will try and play. He just isnt good with initiating or playing for long.

I do also look after DS considerably more than my partner so he only has maybe 14ish hours a week with him compared to me who has probably 50 plus hours with him and does 6 wake ups, all naps and all bedtimes so I do have a closer bond with him than DP.

If he's still falling asleep when he's not engaged with something then he should not have restarted driving. I'm surprised that his doctor okayed him to drive again.

He needs to go back to the sleep clinic and get his cpap downloaded so they can monitor what is going on and make adjustments.

How about suggesting he read to DS - you could get some books from your local library - dad could even take him to get some ?

I do think some Dads get more involved as kids get older and they can do things with them , my DH took DS1 to swimming lessons when DS2 was born and that became their thing .

I do think thats the big thing for me. He has such little time I would just love for it to be a bit more dedicated ( and selfishly give me a small break although that will he irrelevent in a few weeks when DC2 arrives)

He is okay driving now as I guess that is sort of engaged (although pre CPAP he couldnt even stay awake driving).

He spends most of his time sleeping due to working nights but for example on his 1 day off he has a full nights sleep gets up around 7-8am. By 4-5pm if he isnt fully engaged doing something like cooking or playing on his computer he falls asleep. If he reads hes generally okay but if its tv or a film even if hes interested in it he will doze off. I'm not sure if its the sleep apnea or he just has very high sleep needs.

He hasn't had any follow ups about the sleep apnea since he had his review 1 month after getting the CPAP machine.

It wasn't something I needed to learn. I have a very good relationship with my dad who was always very playful (too playful for me) I am also naturally a playful person. I am also the one who fully looks after DS since he was born so the bond was there.

He will read with him. We have an insane amount of books as DS loves to read. But DS wont let someone read to him for too long as he prefers to read them by himself now.

He did try swimming lessons on his 1 day off but unfortunately DS hated it. So we will try just taking him to the public pool once baby is old enough. I am hoping they will find their thing as he gets older its just hard not just being the default parent (which I don't mind as he is the earner) but it would be nice to get small breaks from being the playmate too.

Is your husband naturally a fun, playful person? My partner isn't naturally playful so I'm not sure if he needs longer to learn how to do this and build a relationship with DS and relax. Hes a bit uptight (cant make voices when reading etc)

Get him to watch a load of Bluey episodes and report back to you with specific examples of the dad, Bandit's fun parenting. Maybe if he can see it he can replicate it. Worth a try as time is so short. The Fruitbat episode might be a good one. Just a thought that came to me. Good luck with your little ones.

So if I’m giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, I’d say that he’s struggled to connect with your eldest due to lack of time and the fact that some men can feel a bit of a third wheel when mums and babies are so connected in those early years and mothering can look effortless (even though it’s not - it’s exhausting hours of trying and failing and learning). Even engaging in play can be hard for some parents who never had that modelled to them as kids. It feels embarrassing and awkward. So he doesn’t bother or checks out to avoid the discomfort.

Of course the simple answer to your problem is suck it up and try to look after your newborn and toddler whilst you recover from a C-section. But that’s not a sustainable solution. If I were you, I’d do a bit of advance planning and book them some stuff to do together without you around - Softplay, trampolining, swimming and leave them to it. Ultimately, your DP needs to step up. You need to make it clear that he is on toddler duty and you’ve made sure you have some fun stuff to do. Of course it would be ideal that he was taking the lead and excited to spend some 1:1 time with your first born but that doesn’t sound realistic. So force him to make an effort and hope he takes the hint and gains some confidence.

My husband doesn’t really know how to play make believe games but he still plays with our daughter (3). He has always done majority of baths and getting her ready for bed. I did bed time put down as she breastfeeds to sleep. But as she has gotten older he can get her to sleep.

He made sure to make effort as he didn’t see her all day so made sure he did the bits he could do. He takes her with him on walks and swimming or to soft play. We do things together but he makes sure to have some one on one time with her every week.

Honestly I think unless my partner was abusive nothing would have stopped me having DC2. I love my partner and dropped my career to be there for my kids so stopping with 1 was never something I would do. My son gets an insane amount of love and isn't subjected to abuse or arguments.

Do I desperately want my partner to gain a stronger relationship with him 100% but ai don't think hes a crap dad. He will give my son love and he will try to have a relationship with him it just isnt as much of a engaging relationship as I would like but I really hope I can help him to gain that relationship. I just get fed up of nagging but feel bad as I appreciate he doesn't get a lot of time.

This may or may not help, but I was also rubbish at playing. I hated it. I took care of all of DCs needs like feeding, bathing, healthcare stuff and I loved reading to them but I would have never initiated play or wanted to do it for more than 10 minutes. Apparently I didn’t even really ‘play’ as a child. I only really enjoyed reading, drawing/colouring and helping my Mum with her jobs around the house. I had zero interest in toys and didn’t much like other children, preferring to sit listening to adults talking—which my Mum really didn’t appreciate!

However! Once DC was about 7 and became (so sorry, but it’s true!) more interesting company I really started to enjoy parenting a lot more because we could share more interests. DC is grown up now, but we have a great relationship and loads in common.

I just wanted to reassure you that their relationship isn’t doomed, but I get that you want more help. Can you direct him to more practical things that don’t involve playing? If he’s anything like me (and my Mum, if I’m honest. She didn’t do playing either but it wasn’t expected then) he’ll probably be more helpful in terms of caring in in those ways.

We watch a lot of bluey! He understands that is what he should do but he just doesn't understand how to implement it especially as DS age. I do have hope that it will improve as he gets older but I suppose its hard when they dont get a lot of time together.

@Karma1387 you ask 'is this normal for dads' - NO! it absolutely isn't. This is YOUR husband, it's him. 99%of dads are not like this. Whatever the cause, it is abnormal, and you really don't have to accept it!

@Karma1387 - you have two children with a partner who has no interest in being a parent, you have reduced your work hours (?given up on career progression?), and you are not married.

Do you have a plan on how you will manage financially when it all goes tits up?

Oh god, didn’t even think about that. That is an insanely precarious situation to be in.

I did consider trying to plan some things but my DS hates swimming, my partner is too big to climb around soft plays but I think I will suggest they go to some zoos and stuff whilst he is off as its not often someone gets the chance for 6 weeks with their son.

I do wonder if confidence is part of it as well as a lack of parental instinct.

Wait - you're not married, and he's completely disinterested in your family? This is a very dangerous situation for you - you need to get back to work as soon as you can.

Have him do bedtimes. That's what I had my disengaged ex do so at least I had 15 minutes to myself (which being a mug, I often used to tidy up). At least yours will read to the kids.

But seriously - you need to prepare for the worst here.

If he loved his son, he would be spending time with him.

I know this is a lot with you preparing for a section, but he might need to be screened for depression.

Night shift workers engage with their children. It might not be all day, but they get up and spend time with them every day.

He sounds absolutely, totally knackered.

Can he do an activity rather than play? Like take him swimming for an hour, for a kick about & play in the playground, take him to the library?

Why not try starting a new rule for both of you that phones stay out of the room where your DC is, when you’re both home? Find a place to keep them eg in the hall or bedroom. That way he will not be distracted when he’s playing.

Your local children’s centres might do special dad days. They should be able to direct him to some learning materials or a course. It’s not acceptable to just not engage with your children. It damages them.

You are being far far too generous to this man. It might help if you own what the problem is to be able to move forward. The problem is that he is spectacularly selfish. Selfish people make the absolute worst parents. Did you not think beyond your own desire to have a second child, as far as thinking that maybe every child deserves a decent father?

I guess you'll be ok while they are young enough not to really notice that they get all the love and care from their mum and very little from their dad. Once they get to about 7/8 years old you won't be able to compensate and they will absolutely be damaged by this. But you wanted a second, so cool. That's all that matters!