DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

What is the bar then?

From where I stand the only issue my partner has is bonding through play. He provides love, comfort and jsut struggles with the small bit of time he gets with our son to bond and engage. Yes this needs addressing and he knows that.

But I can think of parents on a much lower bar.

My partner has been off his antidepressants for around 4-5 months and he would have come off them sooner but I was nervous. His sleep apnea is technically under control with his CPAP machine for the last year.

Yes perhaps I rushed into DC2 as I didnt want a big age gap but as far as I am concerned my partners health issues are no longer the issue (although they delayed bonding in DS first year). His issue is he isn't sure how to bond with DS and switches off duriny mundane toddler playing. Yes he needs to make more of an effort to take him out on his 1 day off but I also appreciate that hes tired and maybe isnt thrilled at his only day off involving walking around a zoo or something like that. But I know hes going to have to suck it up if he wants a bond with DS and for my sanity after my C section but its big shift for him to go from 1 day a week with DS to 6 weeks of needing to handle him with less input from me and I do worry how he/we will cope.

I didn't plan on another c section so I hadnt thought it all through of logistics.

Too late to go over it re: multiple children. You do get parenting courses online which your partner may benefit from. I am trying to remember what it's called....Will get back to the thread once I get the name.

I will still be doing naptimes and bedtimes as my son wont do it without me

This is the ideal time for your son to learn to do it with Dad instead. Bonding is about much more than playing.

https://togetherness.co.uk/pathway-library/understanding-your-child-from-toddler-to-teenager/

It used to be called In Our Place. I last accessed the course in 2023 to work through the modules. Your partner may find this beneficial to work through together with you.

I do appreciate that but it took me over a yeear to get DS to sleep and nap without me next to him and its only the last few months he started going to sleep without crying for me when I leave and waking in the night shouting for me.

I really don't want to risk ruining 2 years worth of work for the sake of 6 weeks that my partner is off and risk that DS goes back to not wanting to sleep without me or shouting for me in the night as it would be a heck of a lot harder to cope on my own at night if I have a baby and a toddler needing me through the night.

Id rather find other ways for them to bond that can be continued when my partner goes back to work.

I agree with OP on this point as her partner is a shift worker and does nights....

OP just ignore posters who are clueless about shift work especially if your partner does a night shift as you need to be on duty all through the night on your own (been there and done it years ago).

Its hard work and the last thing you want is to ruin a routine you have spent so long getting!

He really isn't a bad dad. He just needs some work.

As I have suggested there's some great online courses, even your HV might run face to face classes too or have ideas to suggest relating to play for your partner. It doesn't come naturally to everyone.

Her partner works nights!

Will he go for a physical and mental health screening including blood work? It sounds like CPAP isn't helping him much and he should have seen a difference.

We're in Winter and I remember working nights barely seeing the sun because I went to work in the dark and came home in the dark.

I don't think you can say he provides love whilst also saying DP simply isn't interested in DS. That isn't providing love or any of the feelings that should come with being loved. Your son is very young, but he won't be feeling loved by his dad this way. There will eventually be no attachement between them and that will give your DP more reason not to try.

He’s off for six weeks!

We will have the HV when DC2 arrives and I think for DS 2 year review so I can have a chat with them then.

Well he needs to massively work on himself and put the phone away.

If he's going to put obstacles in the way of bonding then he shouldn't be surprised when he doesn't feel bonded.

The CPAP has worked amazingly compared to how he was before. He couldn't stay awake driving, reading or anything before the machine. We couldn't even have a conversation sitting down without him falling asleep back then.

They did bloodwork when they referred him for possible sleep apnea and everything was clear but I have said he needs to get it rechecked as it could have changed and also push them to test for diabetes. His weight is a big factor I think but he struggles with the weight loss but hes trying. He says his mental health feels fine because I did ask him to consider going back on the meds before DC2 is born but he says he doesn't think thats an issue at all.

It sounds like he still has excessive sleepiness if he's falling asleep by 4pm. Did his consultant ok him to be back driving after he stopped with his diagnosis?

He needs to see the sleep clinic for cpap adjustment and to download his readings to see why it's not helping. He needs to ask his gp for full bloods inc thyroid ferritin hb1ac b12, etc to see if there is anything going on as to why is his so tired (although nights don't help at all)

Saying he isnt interested probably isnt fair for me to say. He loves our son and he will happily cuddle and snuggled. Its more he doesn't seem interested/engaged in playing and talking to him which too a degree I get as it is very boring at times and as neither me or DP are big talkers we find talking to a 2 year old that cant talk a little difficult but I put a lot of effort into forcing myself to talk to DS and respond to his babble whereas DP struggles with this.

Yeah he had to go in I think a month after he got the machine to check the readings were all okay and they approved him driving as DVLA made them fill in forms for him to get his licence back.

I check his machine through the day and the pressure settings on it are always where they should be so I dont think thats the issue although it does amaze me its been over a year and they dont do a follow up!

He is going to get his bloods rechecked although they did it all when he first went to GP for the sleepiness. They only agreed to refer to sleep clinic because I said his snoring was insane! Id also like them to test for diabetes but i'm not sure if we will have to fight for that one.

He is but I don't want to risk ruining my sons sleep schedule and routine for my partner to then go back to work and I end up with a toddler and newborn not sleeping as I am the one who has to be up with them all day and night.

He does know this and he knows he has work to do. Actually doing it is a different matter. I am just glad I don't have a career as the idea of full time work and dealing with all the kids stuff would be super hard. (I'm aware lots of women do and I applaud them!)

You keep defending him but his actions don't sound like a father who loves his children. I'm not sure what you're looking for if you can't take the blinkers off?

Definitely don't have a third child.

But you need to start handing over more parenting responsibility to him!

My honest opinion is leave because he won't change

So he is not interested in the first so why have a second he wont be interested in that one either

So your son and he knew you would want another baby? Weren't either of the kids actually wanted by him because HE wanted to be a father?

There isnt really a great deal of the parental responsibility to hand over when I'm with DS 6 days a week and he only has 1.

I wouldnt leave someone I love who supports me and our children. All my kids would end uo with in that scenario is a mum who suddenly has to work full time and now they barely see either of their parents and also have no money for anything. I can't see in what world that is a better option.

I do defend him because as much as it is hard to see and hard not to nag I see how he cuddles our son and when he does roughouse and play with him the joy in both their eyes is great. But he does need to put more effort on his day off to give our son a bit more time and effort to increase the bond.

I think I just find it a little hard being needed so much by DS but when I'm with him 6 days a week (apart from his hours at nursery) and I'm the one who fed and coslept with him for his first year and a bit hes going to be more attached with me. I think a lot of my stress is more about DS not thinking I don't love him when DC2 arrives.