DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

He is interested he just struggles with mundane playing and engagement. Hes happy to love on him, roughouse etc. Hes just not good with the general hanging out/playing and talking to a 2 year old who speaks gibberish.

I think I am just hormonal so its getting to me more and I am facing my own guilt about DS feeling pushed out by me with new baby when he arrives.

I hope you realise how hard it is to actually change an avoidant person. They'll agree with you and reassure you and then carry on, maybe go through some brief blips to give you hope. It's a mammoth task, their baseline is to avoid whatever it is that they struggle with.

He has always said when we have discussed about having a baby both with DS and DC2 that he wanted to have them. I have always made it clear to him if he decided he didn't want anymore children he could get the snip and I would never hold it against him. But he has said he is 100% happy to have both. I don't think it hugely affects him if we have 1 or 2 children as he only gets 1 day a week with them until they start school and then possibly no full days with them until we can afford for him to take a paycut and move to daytime shifts with 1 weekend day off.

You're not getting it he doesn't support you if he can't look after his child?!

Start doing things have an eyebrow wax or your nails done and leave DS with him, there's ways to hand over responsibility.

I'm not sure what you're looking for as you're hell bent on defending him despite it being clear he's a crap dad.

As someone who herself suffers with anxiety and is very avoidant I know just how hard it can be to change someone. But I love him and I am happy to fight for him to improve. He allowed me to give up money to be with our kids as much as possible so in my eyes we are a team. I just want to know how to help him.

Huh? No you don't need to find an activity for your partner to do with his son on his day off! Unless I missed it you haven't had a baby with a child so it's time for partner to step up as an adult and figure it out for himself. You'll be busy recovering and looking after a newborn, leave you partner to parent his toddler son. Don't step in and instruct.

@Karma1387 he sounds very tired - abnormally tired. I would say he needs to see a GP to be honest - does he have any energy left at all? Even working etc if he is getting 8/9 hours sleep or so he shouldn’t be so exhausted he can barely function. I don’t think that’s normal.

I know I could leave him to deal with DS for a day if I went out. He did it when I worked my shift before maternity leave. DS just wouldnt nap very well although I would do bedtime to make sure he slept properly.

But him looking after him for the day sometimes isn't the issue its them having quality time together that actually results in bonding and a relationship.

He is capable of looking after DS making sure hes fed, dry etc if I am not there. Its more of a day 2 day worry of him not being able to play with him very well or bond through engagement.

I guess I was hoping people would say it will get better as they get older and have actual activities they want to do. Or suggestions on how I help my DP who doesnt get much time for interaction so how I help him develop and grow as a person and parent.

He won't learn. And when ds is old enough to ask him to play etc , he won't be interested as dad hasnt made the connection when he was younger

He is tired if he stops and isnt mentally or physically engaged. He spent his day off this week building a wardrobe and he was fine. He cooked dinner and was fine. As soon as he sat down on the sofa with us around 4/5 he was dozing off. If hes not actively engaged in something its like his brain and body just shut down and unfortunatley sitting watching a toddler play and providing a bit of input isnt engaging enough to keep his brain awake. I think thats why he starts reading as he knows it will at least keep him awake so he isn't dozing off with DS there.

He is in bed for about 8-9 hours. How much of that is sleeping i'm not sure. I have noticed since I have been on maternity leave he seems to toss and turn and partially wake a lot so I'm not sure if hes not actually getting keep sleep.

Six weeks is nothing. It would be unsettling for the 2yo to get into a routine and for it to switch over again.

As I said, unless you've experience of shift work especially nights you won't get it...

It does sound to me OP that you have a fairly narrowly defined concept of what being a dad is based on your own dad, and that you baby for own partner a fair bit ( all this teaching him, instructing him). On top of that your partner spends very little time with is son - and potentially even less without you negatively judging his level of engagement and play. If you truly trust that your partner loves his son then take the opportunity for his six weeks off work for him to forge his own relationship with his son - without play ideas and activities from you. It's his son too so they'll find they have traits they share if you give them a chance. And then when he returns to work you both need to carve out time for the two of them to have one-on-one time.

I find it hard to believe he can't learn? Playing and interacting with a non verbal child can't come easily to every parent surely? Everyone has the ability to learn things. Is he ever likely to find it as easy as me... probably not. But I do think with help he could improve enough to have a relationship with his children. I imagine it isnt easy to form a close relationship when you only have 1 day a week with them.

Everyone deserves a chance. I just want to know how to help him.

OP you’ve found lots of reasons to explain this - depression, sleep apnoea, a difficult childhood. At the heart of this though, do you actually think he wants to change? Because if he did, all of that is largely irrelevant - you make the conscious effort to put your phone down and be with your kid on their level.

i was an only child with a terrible mother and never did any sensory play or games etc, I just read. When my firstborn came along, I signed up for classes, I got ideas from the internet, I experimented. I learnt that I hated sensory play, but I did it because DD loved it. That’s pretty much what real parenting is, isn’t it - putting the child first and focusing on them? If he’s not willing to do that and experience the inevitable moments of boredom, discomfort and inconvenience, ideas from us aren’t going to help. Is he googling for help on this? Or is he passively letting you excuse away his lack of action?

I mean my dad was a single dad who worked running his own company so I was in clubs and childcare from 7am-6pm most days so I didnt have a huge amount of time with my dad but he has always been childish and playful (too much for me personally but he is amazing with my son)

I don't think its so much babying my partner its more if he has no reference point how is he meant to know if it doesnt come naturally. His own dad doesnt need paternal, he has no dad friends. If I dont try to help him/ teach him how does he learn?

Unfortunately no he only gets 1 day a week with our son which is hard. I'm not sure about traits they share? My son is 2. He hasn't really got traits or interests unless you count making a mess a interest. But yes they do need to find their own way which is likely going to be getting out and going to zoos but I'm not sure its a bad thing for me to help them work out what to do? I know our son better, I know where he isnt quite ready for (like softplay) or where he might be most interested as well as what works with his naps etc.

I don't think he had a bad childhood. His family are just quite detached.

No I can't imagine him googling how to fix it. But he does know how much it bothers me. I think he would find it easier if DS did have some interests.

Honestly he doesn't have as much of an excuse for his day off (apart from the crap weather) as he could take him to the zoo every week as its the one thing DS does like although I am sure he would get bored going every week. But to a degree I understand the times hes at home being hard to engage. DS doesn't really do activities yet. He plays with something for a few mins then grabs something else. We havent got to the stage where hes playing pretend or interested in sensory play or things like that. So I do understand that it is super boring for my partner.

I watch him when he is playing with DS and DS is just flitting between toys and my partner starts to doze off. I can see as he tries to force himself awake but unfortunately if his brain isnt active he shuts down and I am really not sure if he can control it. He doesnt lightly doze he falls into a full on head hanging snoring sleep that you have to shake awake.

So whilst I do find it frustrating I don't think its intentional.

Ok I’ve read most of your posts… and so far I think this one got to the crux… not saying that there isn’t more going on.

I’m having a hard time understanding what you are missing or wanting from him. He’ll read with, cuddle, rough house, he’s interested. Your own words… so is it that he doesn’t initiate things?

I think that it will likely be that dad and son end up spending a good bit of time doing things after new baby is here, but you also need to be willing and able to let them do it their way. Sure give suggestions, but also step back and let them build the relationship…it doesn’t sound like they’ve really had the chance.

At the same time you will have to spend some 1:1 time with your son and let dad spend 1:1 time with baby.

Many mothers don't have good parental role models and they still figure it out on their own without someone explicitly teaching them. You deciding that you are the most knowledgeable about both being a parent and about your son is damaging to your partner's relationship with his son. Let him do the figuring out which activities work best for the two of them. And 2 year olds have traits - emotional, social, levels of confidence versus fear, preferences (ie is he drawn to mechanical toys or imaginative toys), does he get absorbed in one thing for a while or is he easily distracted. You said he doesn't like being read to already and wants to take charge - sounds like he knows what he wants already.

Darling, you won't be able to do all naptimes and bedtimes when you have a second baby. Maybe SOME, but mainly you'll be tied to a baby, and especially after C section. I had a very chill second and it was still not possible.
You need to start your DP doing this before you have a second child, so there is a chance that you DS settles into this new routine by the time second arrives.

I think its a lot to do with the fact he doesnt really initiate, he doesn't respond to his babbles (I am obviously trying to encourage his speech) and he switches off very quickly if DS starts to play independently. Perhaps I am expecting more when I don't need to. They get such limited time together I worry it needs to be very full on time in order for them to bond.

I really want to make sure my son doesn't feel abandoned and left out when DC2 arrives although I remember what DS was like at that age and betweent he constant feeding and not napping unless on me I guess I worry about DS feeling left out so maybe I'm projecting my fears and worries and making a bigger issue out of DS and partners relationship than I need to.

Sorry!

Honestly DS is my little tornado! He flies from one toy to the next not really bothering to play with it just likes to have it spread on the floor!

I haven't really noticed him drswn to anything specific. He gets bored and moves on very quick. Being out and about is what he really enjoys.

He doesn't mind being read to but mainly at bedtime. During the day he does prefer to sit on your lap or by himself and read.

Perhaps I need to ease up and let them find their own way.

Unfortunately my partner would only be able to do naptime/bedtime once a week before DC2 arrives so I don't think that would help him. We have tried a few times to get my partner to do naptime but DS just screams when he leaves him and I have to go and redo the routine in order for him to calm down and sleep. I really dont want to risk messing up DS sleep routine and pattern and then deal with a toddler refusing to go to bed or back to multiple night wakings when my partner then has to go back to work and I have both a toddler and newborn I can't get to sleep.

I appreicate trying to do it with a newborn and after a c section will be super hard but unless I want to make my life harder after partners paternity leave is up I think I have to try and do bedtime and naptimes.

He isnt around much to do day to day parenting but he has helped with bath time whilst I have been pregnant and he cooks on his day off.

He doesn't do a lot of the general parenting as hes at work or asleep.

Seriously?!!

100% this. To be able to do the fun stuff with older kids, you have to have built the connection when they were younger. And yes that means the boring stuff! I was absolutely bored out of my brain with a lot of the baby and toddler stuff, but I did it anyway with a smile because I knew that that was how the connection were made.

Don’t be sorry! The important thing is that you understand what you are feeling and why! That’s why I challenged slightly in my question.

I think this is probably why some of the advice won’t help. mn is kind of famous for wanting to paint dads with the same brush and that doesn’t really sound like what’s going on here.

So Now that you’ve distilled both down to what is really bothering you. Have the conversation with your partner. Explain both things that you just did here. A good partner and dad will understand both (to a certain extent) and be willing to be open about it, he’s probably got some unverbalized fears too!

On that last note I have not heard about any time that you’ve carved out for the two of you… are you factoring that in as well?