Page 24 | DP just isn't interested in DS

Karma1387 · 2026-02-06T17:31:19+00:00

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice. I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day. Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond. DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work. Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact. I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad. So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 10/02/2026 10:59

Superscientist · 10/02/2026 10:25

Parenting with neurodiversity and/or mental illness can provide challenges. I also think that the step from baby to toddler can be quite large. When you have a baby they can fit in with whatever bubble you are comfortable with. Around that 18 months mark is when their world wants to and needs to be expanding. It is great that he is in nursery and thriving there, it sounds like he is doing well developmentally too but also that you and your partner have quite made that transition into parenting a toddler.

Starting a group sounds like a good idea. Once he's started the football class your partner good look at incorporating the skills he's learning into his hour with him in the work day playing with a ball in a safe space in the home. You could assign the day that dad has with your son as the physical activity day with swimming or football or park trips. It might help him find his feet regarding playing with him with an activity to do.

I'd look for a playground and try to go to that once or twice a month. Some are more social than others if one isn't the right fit for you, don't write them all off look for another one. Facebook can be good for finding local groups.

I prioritised my daughters afternoon nap as that one was more sensitive to changes in routine. So we did activities that might lead to a car nap more in the morning than the afternoon. Once she dropped to one nap a day it made things easier. I made sure to take something with me to keep me occupied in the car. I like listening to radio 4, podcasts and audiobooks so I keep my headphones on me and things to listen to downloaded on my phone. I like colouring and puzzles too so I have those with me some times too.

It doesn't have to be going into a supermarket every week but I'd look at doing something interactional once a week. It might mean one week you do a supermarket, another week a cafe, the next week a library, the following week a garden centre. I would try watching JoJo and gran gran each episode is based on a little trip into the community and they have clips of real children doing the same things. It might be worth setting aside one morning a week for "exploring the local community". Maybe next time you do an online food shop leave an item out and get that in-store.

It sounds like you have quite a bit of anxiety about being out and about with your son with fears about him not liking it or not behaving or it being distributive to his routine. It's lovely that he has the time with grandparents, do you think going out with them occasionally would be helpful then you have an extra pair of hands should it be necessary whilst you find your feet. How do they report how he is in public? Is there reason to think he would be hard to manage?

I'd look into non toddler targeted shows as well as, at 2-3 my daughter absolutely loved Lego Masters on channel 4 and after this would try to replicate some of the Lego builds she saw in the show with her Duplo and then was more imaginative with how she played with her Duplo as she realised it could do more than build towers.

Thank you for the replies and suggestions.

I don't go out with DS and my mother as we dont really get on which is why its going down to once a month. She says he is good generally at the zoo as he can run around. He is very good in restaurants but he always has been as me and partner have taken him since he was a baby.

Me and DS go to my dads usually 1 day a week. We usually just stay at his house but it gives my son a change of scenery and my dads downstairs is bigger than ours so he gets to do a lot of running around. Plus my dad is a big kid so DS finds him hilarious! Although me and my dad will take DS and baby out over the parks and fields when the weather is better.

If we take DS to a restaurant or anywhere outdoors he can run around he is totally fine. Its the idea of taking him to a shop where he will be trying to grab stuff from the shelf or pull everything off (this is what he does with his toy shelves at home) I know he needs to learn these skills but its difficult for me with my anxiety to cope with. I don't go into shops on my own so the prospect of doing it with a toddler is terrifying.

The car naps wouldnt be so bad if he could do them for 2-4 hours like he does at home. But because it isnt comfortable he only lasts 30 mins- 1hr so it totally screws with his mood for the rest of the day and ends with a super early night which then results in a very early wake up and it becomes a vicious cycle until he catches up with a long nap.

We dont have access to normal tv as we don't have a tv licence or pay for tv. But I will look on netflix or disney to see if they is anything that might interest him. He usually only likes films with singing in.

OP posts:

Minglingpringle · 10/02/2026 11:21

I am very interested that you are very unusual and that this is the first you are hearing of it. You mention autism - sounds plausible.

Did you have a very restricted childhood yourself? Maybe that’s why this has all come as a surprise. This is why you need to expose your child to outside influences, so that he understands the world better than you do. It will give him more power over his life. Whether or not he turns out to share your character traits.

You seem to like routine and certainty and to have a script for everything you do but really, you just need to get out and about in your local community. Go to a little shop sometimes, hang out in the library or get a cup of tea in a cafe.

You say your local area feels unsafe. Is this objectively true? Are the streets deserted because everyone is too scared to go out? Or is it your anxiety talking?

One very important job parents do for their children is hide their anxiety. For lots of parents it’s just a little bit of anxiety when, for example, the child leaves the house on their own for the first time. For you, it’s EVERYTHING. If you can’t hide all of it, find some bits you can hide. So your son is free to interact with the world in a way you don’t and doesn’t pick up the idea that it’s terrifying.

Original poster

Karma1387 · 10/02/2026 15:08

Minglingpringle · 10/02/2026 11:21

I am very interested that you are very unusual and that this is the first you are hearing of it. You mention autism - sounds plausible.

Did you have a very restricted childhood yourself? Maybe that’s why this has all come as a surprise. This is why you need to expose your child to outside influences, so that he understands the world better than you do. It will give him more power over his life. Whether or not he turns out to share your character traits.

You seem to like routine and certainty and to have a script for everything you do but really, you just need to get out and about in your local community. Go to a little shop sometimes, hang out in the library or get a cup of tea in a cafe.

You say your local area feels unsafe. Is this objectively true? Are the streets deserted because everyone is too scared to go out? Or is it your anxiety talking?

One very important job parents do for their children is hide their anxiety. For lots of parents it’s just a little bit of anxiety when, for example, the child leaves the house on their own for the first time. For you, it’s EVERYTHING. If you can’t hide all of it, find some bits you can hide. So your son is free to interact with the world in a way you don’t and doesn’t pick up the idea that it’s terrifying.

I know I am very restricted in the things i do and my social situations. I didn't think it was unusual to not do things like shop in person etc.

I dont think my childhood was massively restricted. In my young young years I spent a lot of time with my granny going to church and helping out at church and dance clubs.

From a few years into primary school I was in school/breafast and afterschool club most of the time. Again I used to see my granny in the holiday and go church and stuff. I imagine I went shopping with my dad at weekends aa online wasnt such a big thing then. And my dad was always very very social. I have a distinct memory of him bumping into a random old man and started dancing and laughing with him before saying sorry and carrying on our day. So I don't think my childhood was restrictive although from around 13-14 is when I first got depression and I really started to decline and not spend much time outside or doing anything.

No my local area isnt unsafe but I hate it and cannot calm myself if I try to walk around it. If we were to go out I would drive to the library (its too far for DS to walk anyway) or I will drive to a different town.

OP posts:

Superscientist · 10/02/2026 17:20

I get it, I do.

I became a pretty much recluse at 13/14 as this was when my anxiety and depression really kicked in. I went to school and to my grandparents and that was it. I never ever saw my friends outside of school until I started my a levels and found a different group of friends and started to get treatment for my anxiety and depression.

I am not a person that has a big circle of friends. I have one friend from a school. She has come in and out of my life, as our lives cross path we go from seeing each other every couple of months to nothing for years depending on whether our lives are in the same places. I am only in contact with one person from my undergraduate degree and that is my partner, there are two people I speak to from my second degree. One is a call every few months relationship, we are very close but distance and lives means that contact isn't frequent but she's a person who's calls i always accept. The other friend we holiday together once a year and have sporadic contact through out the year. We would see each other more frequently but a 5h drive between us means it's not feasible. I did NCT and had 2 friends from their for a while but these stopped when my daughter started school. I didn't have any friends with parents at nursery but there is a group of 3 mums as school who I have become friendly with. 2 are very similar to me in that they don't have a wide circle of friends, one is neurodiverse and the other has a debilitating condition. They fit with me and people who completely get it if I say "not today" and also quite happy if our interaction is a nod from a cross the road to say "yes I've seen you but today isn't the day for small talk"

I did a couple of baby groups when my daughter was little mostly because I was expected to do it and didn't get anything out of them. As my daughter reached 15-18 months I started to see that our interactions at home weren't enough and that there was now an advantage to her being out with peers. We did a toddler group with 2 kids from the NCT group every week and it was lovely to see them develop alongside one another. Often I didn't have to say much. Hi, you ok, yes. You? Yes. Done. The first few times were tough but once I knew people's faces and worked out who the "non chatty" people were it was good. Even when we moved and went from being 15-20 minutes away to being 30-40 minutes away I kept going as I didn't want to go through the anxiety of finding a new group and potentially not having mums that I couldn't be me around.

My daughter was a covid baby and I walked for hours a day with her so found myself wandering to the shop as part of my walk. I saw how my daughter engaged with the others around and realised what we were missing. I didn't really think much about it again until at 4 she really struggled with social stuff and what made the difference was me making friends with the 3 mums and going to the park together. All the kids are quiet and reserved around new people but have a tight little group. Modelling relationships has really helped them. Through covid I realised how harmful it is for my mental health to not have any interactions with people and actually found that those passing moments with strangers was more beneficial than the conversations with friends. I would walk the same routes every day and see the same people. The smile and a nod was more than enough for me to feel like I wasn't invisible especially in the cold months where everyone is head down and not making eye contact. I nearly always use self service tills, do click and collect rather than buy in store, I don't like conversation with strangers. I dislike being in shops and when I get social interactions else where I am all about online shopping but when my world shrinks it's one way I can expand it in a way that isn't a drain on my resources. They are different babies, but I do see a difference between how my daughter and son interact with others and my son is way more engaging with adults and I do think part of that is the early exposure to facial expressions and non verbal conversation.

Do you think that maybe it would be helpful to have someone to talk to about your anxieties and the restrictions they are having on your life?

Original poster

Karma1387 · 10/02/2026 17:56

Superscientist · 10/02/2026 17:20

I get it, I do.

I became a pretty much recluse at 13/14 as this was when my anxiety and depression really kicked in. I went to school and to my grandparents and that was it. I never ever saw my friends outside of school until I started my a levels and found a different group of friends and started to get treatment for my anxiety and depression.

I am not a person that has a big circle of friends. I have one friend from a school. She has come in and out of my life, as our lives cross path we go from seeing each other every couple of months to nothing for years depending on whether our lives are in the same places. I am only in contact with one person from my undergraduate degree and that is my partner, there are two people I speak to from my second degree. One is a call every few months relationship, we are very close but distance and lives means that contact isn't frequent but she's a person who's calls i always accept. The other friend we holiday together once a year and have sporadic contact through out the year. We would see each other more frequently but a 5h drive between us means it's not feasible. I did NCT and had 2 friends from their for a while but these stopped when my daughter started school. I didn't have any friends with parents at nursery but there is a group of 3 mums as school who I have become friendly with. 2 are very similar to me in that they don't have a wide circle of friends, one is neurodiverse and the other has a debilitating condition. They fit with me and people who completely get it if I say "not today" and also quite happy if our interaction is a nod from a cross the road to say "yes I've seen you but today isn't the day for small talk"

I did a couple of baby groups when my daughter was little mostly because I was expected to do it and didn't get anything out of them. As my daughter reached 15-18 months I started to see that our interactions at home weren't enough and that there was now an advantage to her being out with peers. We did a toddler group with 2 kids from the NCT group every week and it was lovely to see them develop alongside one another. Often I didn't have to say much. Hi, you ok, yes. You? Yes. Done. The first few times were tough but once I knew people's faces and worked out who the "non chatty" people were it was good. Even when we moved and went from being 15-20 minutes away to being 30-40 minutes away I kept going as I didn't want to go through the anxiety of finding a new group and potentially not having mums that I couldn't be me around.

My daughter was a covid baby and I walked for hours a day with her so found myself wandering to the shop as part of my walk. I saw how my daughter engaged with the others around and realised what we were missing. I didn't really think much about it again until at 4 she really struggled with social stuff and what made the difference was me making friends with the 3 mums and going to the park together. All the kids are quiet and reserved around new people but have a tight little group. Modelling relationships has really helped them. Through covid I realised how harmful it is for my mental health to not have any interactions with people and actually found that those passing moments with strangers was more beneficial than the conversations with friends. I would walk the same routes every day and see the same people. The smile and a nod was more than enough for me to feel like I wasn't invisible especially in the cold months where everyone is head down and not making eye contact. I nearly always use self service tills, do click and collect rather than buy in store, I don't like conversation with strangers. I dislike being in shops and when I get social interactions else where I am all about online shopping but when my world shrinks it's one way I can expand it in a way that isn't a drain on my resources. They are different babies, but I do see a difference between how my daughter and son interact with others and my son is way more engaging with adults and I do think part of that is the early exposure to facial expressions and non verbal conversation.

Do you think that maybe it would be helpful to have someone to talk to about your anxieties and the restrictions they are having on your life?

Thank you for your response it was really helpful to read from someone who sounds very similar to me.

Ive tried various therapy and medication over the years including 6 months postpartum. Unfortunately none have helped me. My partner helped build my confidence enough to get my promotions pre DS but it hasn't really transferred elsewhere in my life.

OP posts:

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 11/02/2026 09:00

Karma1387 · 10/02/2026 17:56

Thank you for your response it was really helpful to read from someone who sounds very similar to me.

Ive tried various therapy and medication over the years including 6 months postpartum. Unfortunately none have helped me. My partner helped build my confidence enough to get my promotions pre DS but it hasn't really transferred elsewhere in my life.

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I feel sad for you x