DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

My son doesn't do imaginary play yet so we can't really use the structure and the 1 structure they have is too big for him which he finds frustrating. I haven't ever really noticed stones and sticks around our park (it is a very very basic park no trees and stuff like that) I used to take him most mornings but once the novelty of the swing wore off he didn't want to play in there anymore.

I can strap him into the pram with his favourite stuffy but he likes to walk but can't walk very far so he then wants to be carried. He won't then sit in the pram without screaming in which case I just don't see the point on forcing him to sit in a pram whilst we walk and he's screaming.

Places he can run around freely he is much better but he does cycle between walking and needing to be carried and he isn't a small toddler.

I know there will be a lot to work to do when baby is here. If I can keep my driving license it won't be so bad as we can drive to some places not too far away so we don't risk car naps.

Once he is able to do imaginative play we will 100% do this.

I have no idea if we have any in our small town as I don't go into our town. I also don't think I have ever been in a charity shop I will be honest.

There are some in one of the other bigger towns 25 mins away.

How about taking a ball.? He can run and kick or catch it. Good energy burner.

Or a toy truck or car he can play with at the park. Even just wandering around thr local neighbourhood - if he like to walk you don't have to go far just wander around and see who has a cat, a cool tree etc. Do you make up stories - link things to his favourite books for example.

Besides to my dads no we haven't driven anywhere together. I got my licence back after I got pregnant again and it's been a rough pregnancy so I haven't felt up to going anywhere far or with a lot of walking.

How do you budget that cash? Do you budget it as a certain amount per month you take out towards kids shopping learning time? I use my bank card and track all my spending so I wouldn't want to just take cash out at random or waste money.

He isn't at the make believe stage yet but once it is we will. We did buy a play kitchen but he just dumps everything out of it so we aren't at the pretend stage quite yet.

I'm really sad we have no play cafes near us as a few people have mentioned them. The closest is an hour away and not cheap either. Hopefully someone closer will open one eventually.

We have cancelled the swimming lessons as we weren't getting anywhere and they weren't cheap but my partner is going to take him to the normal pool once a week instead so eventually he might calm down and enjoy it.

We order at restaurants and I always say please and thank you. Just nothing beyond that.

The interacting with parents part will always probably be the hardest part for me but as long as people don't expect more than general pleasantries I will hopefully be okay.

What do you mean by events on over the summer?

The TV will be going off once baby is born and back to 30 mins - 1hr as it was pre pregnancy. I have 6 weeks of partner here to help take him out and then by the time he goes back to work I should be recovered enough to carry on without the TV. If I remember correctly from when DS was born I was less exhausted even after the C section and sleepless nights compared to how exhausted I was pregnant so hopefully it will be the same this time!

He has recently taken an interest in balls so we will be doing that after baby is here. We are also signing him up to toddler football on a weekend so hopefully that will help him learn and enjoy kicking the ball.

So far we haven't had much luck with trucks and car toys. Again besides launching them like most of his stuff.

Once baby is here I could probably walk him up our road area with the harness. He doesn't really have a favourite book he just reads everything and anything. I think it's mainly the pictures that interest him at the moment. I don't make up stories but when we used to go out I would try to point out the cat or the cars or the clouds. He wasn't usually interested but he will get more interested as he gets older.

I am really just hoping to keep my license and drive him to some different places. I don't like out town so I don't venture up there. We live near the edge thankfully.

What sort of toys does he have?

Gosh all sorts. He has the lovevery play kids, he has animals and cars and foam stacking blocks, duplo, soft play set and ball pit, play kitchen, velcro fruit he can cut up, a drawing pad thing, paper and crayons, flashcards, puzzles, find the head and tail matching cards, balls, big fire engine. About 30-40 odd books and a million teddys. I have probably missed some stuff but we rotate it and its hard to keep track of it all. Some of it is in living room and some is in his bedroom.

Your son needs a tricycle - the ones with a push-handle are great for his age!

As for your son not doing imaginary play yet - have you actually tried? There is no magical age where kids are suddenly ready to imagine they were a character from a book, or an animal, etc. Try to talk about what characters in the stories you are reading with him might be feeling, what joys or fears or anticipation they might feel. Or what it might be like to be a cat climbing a tree or a fish swimming in the sea.

I think we have one. You mean the bike things with a long handle I can push him along with? And it can be changed as he gets older?

We have tried playing kitchen with his play kitchen but without success yet. I can get him to ride his giraffe teddy like its a pony! Not sure if that counts 🙈

I will give the book thing a try. He wont stay on 1 page for too long but I will give it a go!

I don't track and budget that accurately I have to say. So I or husband take some cash out to have in purse or wallet or car as emergency or spare
Sometimes dh dad gave some to the littles as a treat etc so we'd keep that in their moneybank or in the car console for ice cream trucks or what not. Soft play sometimes have those annoying gacha surprise toy machines that take coins

Maybe just take out a £20 and split it into coins at the shop and then every so often he can have a 50p or a £1 at local shop for a packet of magic stars or so on. Great for potty training too😜

Sorry by events I mean usually in summer there will be local church, school and village fetes/fairs, local emergency services sometimes do open days or a fire truck will go to the local fair. Circus or little fairground at nearby towns. Easter activities at church playgroups or community centres. You don't have to be religious to go to church if they have good youth and family provision

Facepaint outside with him, do big hand print and footprints onto paper outside
Water toys using the hose. Mine used to spend hours filling up various receptacles and "painting" the floor and house with a paintbrush and water. I love outdoor play. Look at forest school ideas for inspiration

Once he's around 2.5 you should be able to see more obviously what he's into and get a bit of concentration from him, but you will have to go through the tantrum and screaming phases etc too. It's important to ride it out, give him a warning or 2 then follow thru with a consequence. Did a lot of picking up in a rugby ball hold and leaving the park/groups etc if they didn't listen

Apparently I will need to buy a purse. I dont think I have had one since i was a kid! But I will add it onto my finances tomorrow for a once a week trip to Tesco.

I'm trying not to think about potty training. The boy hates nappies and screams like you are murdering him if you change it. But will he sit on the potty without clothes... no chance!

I havent ever seen stuff advertised but we only have 1 church so i'm not sure. I will probably get my partner to take him to the fair this year as I think he will love rides.

We will be in the garden lots over the summer. Its just trying to find stuff he wants to play with. No matter what I brought last summer within 15 mins he was bored and wanted inside! Im hoping the garden as a 2 year old will be more interesting for him than the garden as a 1 year old!

Kids don't really do imaginative play they take things from their day to day life and turn them into play. My daughters first imaginative play involved her toolset and it was after my partner had done some DIY.

At 2-3 months my son liked looking at other faces, so many people look and say a hello to a baby.
At 5 months he now will smile at people and then when they smile at him he giggles. He is starting to learn communication and conversation. That you "say" something and then wait whilst the other person says something and then respond to what they have said. He doesn't really understand what they say but can recognise that smiley face means friendly.
At 10+ months using every day things to help with early language and understanding
18+m continuing to build on language, what things are. An apple isn't just the green funny circle with a brown standy up thing but some thing that is 3D and comes in various different shades of red and green, some are small others big and so on. They can start interacting with self service screen or passing money over. Starting to bring in some autonomy you can pick something to eat (within reason) and it is all your choice.
2+ basic counting, learning lists we will get this and then that.
4+ understanding the correlation between the item on the shelf and walking away with it means a transfer of money. This money is earned and not everything in the shop is equally priced. Some things are to be bought daily because they are healthy and /or cheap some things are less healthy or more expensive so are bought occasionally.
Practicing writing and reading. I get my 5 yo to write the shopping list.

I don't typically have cash so often pay by card but if I do have cash I get my daughter to hand it over.

I don't buy things that aren't going to be eaten and wouldn't be bought routinely, I generally check out the yellow sticker cupboard for regular things we buy that might be reduced especially joints of meat which can be frozen and used to reduce our overall shopping bill.

The other thing it does is it gives them time with me without a screen or the distraction of chores or the TV. I find small talk with a child difficult it doesn't come naturally but walking around with a purpose I find it much easier to have that conversation time. You started this thread asking how to get your partner to step back and interact with your child more and not get distracted and look at screens or fall asleep. One of the ways to do that is to have some time in the day in the non-digital world. Say you both set aside 30-60 minutes a week to do something in person and take your son with you and talk through what it is you are doing and why. See if that helps the situation

OP, have you ever considered that you may be on the Autism spectrum? I am Autistic and you sound quite similar to me in a lot of aspects. I too find shops to be very stressful, as well as groups of people, and struggle with small talk. You also seem surprised that people can be so different to you and how you do things. Lots of situations made me anxious. Just something to think about. My diagnosis really helped me be at peace with myself and understand why I am the way I am.

I do this amount of steps at work and I fall asleep on the sofa later. No health problems.I don't think those with cushy jobs know what that is like.

Not to concern you but did you say your son is non verbal? Is he just turned two or closer to three?

I suspect the son and husband are actually.

Can we stop with the derogatory minimum wage comments? Plenty of people are on that wage.

Some children aren't. I would take my son to parks and he would either want to go back to his pushchair or just play with a gate.

Yes 100%. Me and my dad have assumed it for many many years. We suspect a bit of ADHD too as I struggle with sticking at things and focusing on tasks even if its something ai really want to do.

No not non verbal in the slightest. Lots and loys of words and not even 2 yet. He just isnt talking in sentences or able to have actual conversations about things which I have been assured by nursery is very normal for him not to do yet at not even 2.

I have a friend whose has worked shifts for over 12 years. He has three children one of which doesn’t live with him and he has to drive 250 miles every school holiday to spend time with her at which he does.
He’s on a not much more than minimum wage and yet he finds the petrol money, The accommodation money and the fun money to do nice things with his daughter Daughter because he wants to
I think that’s the pertinent word

Son is showing 0 signs currently of any autism. It is something I keep a very close eye on and have asked nursery to watch out for because if he is like me I want to make sure he gets the support.

Partner I don't think he has autism but he suffers with depression and anxiety which is far more his issue day to day.

When my son was born just before the first lockdown, going grocery shopping was literally the only activity we could actually do other than walk around the block with the pram. I used to love it. Get him in the trolley, chat about what we saw, get him to try look for things, show him fruits and vegetables and what they're called. And the best bit was other people being kind to an interacting with him. He was only with the two of us (husband and I) for the first couple of years, those strangers in the shop pulling their mask down to make a funny face or waving at him meant more to me than they'll ever know. That was our socialisation!

Everything is interesting and fun when you're a baby and toddler. They just want to be with you while you do normal life stuff, it's great.

Parenting with neurodiversity and/or mental illness can provide challenges. I also think that the step from baby to toddler can be quite large. When you have a baby they can fit in with whatever bubble you are comfortable with. Around that 18 months mark is when their world wants to and needs to be expanding. It is great that he is in nursery and thriving there, it sounds like he is doing well developmentally too but also that you and your partner have quite made that transition into parenting a toddler.

Starting a group sounds like a good idea. Once he's started the football class your partner good look at incorporating the skills he's learning into his hour with him in the work day playing with a ball in a safe space in the home. You could assign the day that dad has with your son as the physical activity day with swimming or football or park trips. It might help him find his feet regarding playing with him with an activity to do.

I'd look for a playground and try to go to that once or twice a month. Some are more social than others if one isn't the right fit for you, don't write them all off look for another one. Facebook can be good for finding local groups.

I prioritised my daughters afternoon nap as that one was more sensitive to changes in routine. So we did activities that might lead to a car nap more in the morning than the afternoon. Once she dropped to one nap a day it made things easier. I made sure to take something with me to keep me occupied in the car. I like listening to radio 4, podcasts and audiobooks so I keep my headphones on me and things to listen to downloaded on my phone. I like colouring and puzzles too so I have those with me some times too.

It doesn't have to be going into a supermarket every week but I'd look at doing something interactional once a week. It might mean one week you do a supermarket, another week a cafe, the next week a library, the following week a garden centre. I would try watching JoJo and gran gran each episode is based on a little trip into the community and they have clips of real children doing the same things. It might be worth setting aside one morning a week for "exploring the local community". Maybe next time you do an online food shop leave an item out and get that in-store.

It sounds like you have quite a bit of anxiety about being out and about with your son with fears about him not liking it or not behaving or it being distributive to his routine. It's lovely that he has the time with grandparents, do you think going out with them occasionally would be helpful then you have an extra pair of hands should it be necessary whilst you find your feet. How do they report how he is in public? Is there reason to think he would be hard to manage?

I'd look into non toddler targeted shows as well as, at 2-3 my daughter absolutely loved Lego Masters on channel 4 and after this would try to replicate some of the Lego builds she saw in the show with her Duplo and then was more imaginative with how she played with her Duplo as she realised it could do more than build towers.