DP just isn't interested in DS

[Karma1387]

I'm not sure if this is a AIBU or just looking for advice.

I have an almost 2 year old son and another due in a few weeks. My partner is just so unengaged with him. They don't get to spend a lot of time together due to DP working nights and having sleep apnea so he needs plenty of sleep in the day.

Whenever I try to give them some time together I am constantly having to nudge him to talk to DS or play with him. He usually ends up staring into space or reading on his phone or falling asleep. It makes me a bit sad he isn't more interested in him as he doesn't get a lot of time with him to bond.

DP is going to be on toddler duty full time for 6 weeks when DC2 is born due to me having an elective C section. I am worried about if DS is going to get enough attention and engagement or if I am going to have to try to juggle DS and the baby whilst recovering from the C section whilst DP has 6 weeks off work.

Is this normal for dads with young children? Does it get better as the kids get older and they find mutual interests? He just doesn't seem to be able to engage or doesn't know what to do with him. He struggled with initial bonding when dc1 was born due to depression so I'm not sure if thats caused an impact.

I feel bad nagging him about spending time with DS as he is the main/ only earner so ai appreciate hes tired but I want my kids to have a good relationship with their dad.

So I guess am I unreasonable to keep nagging about his lack of interest? Or do I need to just accept that they wont have as close relationship with him as they do me?

I amreally hoping 6 weeks off will do him some good. It will be the longedt hes ever had with DS (he only got 2 weeks uppaid with DS and a week of that we were in the hospital)

I am hoping he gets a chance to recharge and maybe get some real time to connect with DS.

Is there a parenting course on how to play with a toddler?

He needs to get some treatment for be a the sleep apnea so he can actually sleep properly - this is very tough let alone with a new baby etc. This needs dealing with urgently.

And no it’s not normal. He should be able to look after his child properly- is he so tired he cannot function? I can’t believe he’s as useless as you say without reason surely. You have decided to have a second baby so he can’t be a real tosser. Have you spoken to him about this and why he doesn’t engage with your son? Converse , chat etc. It is hard but not always. Can you also find some emergency back up eg a childminder or baby sitter so you do have another pair of hands. For everyone’s sake; you will also need some break. Best of luck xx

His dad is very reserved. I watch my own dad with DS and hes running around and throwing him around. Sits in the gokart he got him for christmas and does drawing and puzzles. Whereas when we see his dad (which admittedly isn't much due to distance and DP working) he mainly just watches him but doesn't really interact. I assume that he was the same with DP when he was growing up. The 100% aren't super close. DP didn't even tell any of them he was suffering with depression after DS was born.

Clearly I need to try and teach him on his day off. Or maybe send him to my dad to learn lessons in fun.

Thing is that attachment bonds are built when children are very young. As parents we lay the groundwork when they are babies/toddlers for the relationship that we have when they get older. Attachment in the first couple of years is the foundation upon which the lifelong relationship grows. It's not impossible to build an attachment relationship with an older child, adopters and foster carers do it, but it takes a LOT of effort on the carer's part, which your DP has no interest in doing.

I'm on maternity leave with nothing to do for 3ish hours a day so I have the time to look around at whats on and if there is anything that would interest DS.

As someone who actually had a mother who didn't want her I can assure you there is a big difference. My partner is physically loving and would never push my son away. He just isnt good at engaging if DS isnt actively asking or directing. My mother on the other hand would push me away, refuse my affection and chose a career and men over her children.

I think there is a big difference in a parent being abuse emotionally or unloving and a parent who will happily love on their child but doesnt know/isnt great at interacting with them.

Get your dad round as a fun coach.

There is much more to parenting than playing.

This might be helpful?

https://tavistockandportman.nhs.uk/our-models-of-care/watch-me-play/

Thank you for your response. It makes me feel like it will get a lot better as DS gets a bit older and interested in actual things rather than the general chaos of throwing toys around and a small bit of play. But I can also see DP needs to make a bit of effort on his day off to take him out so they at least get that time together.

I always thought I would do both. Carry on my career after having my son but after I had him I knew that 1 it wasnt feasible and 2 I didn't want to he away from my son that much.

I am named as his beneficiary for his pension and his work life insurance that comes with it.

The plan would be what it is for most people. A bit of help from Universal credit if needed and finding a full time job. I dont think there is much else you can plan.

He doesn't really have anyone to talk to but I might suggest he spends a bit of time with my dad and DS so he can see how they interact.

I know he loves my son, he just isnt a very expressive person but he would never push our son away or refuse to love on him. Its just playing/engaging he struggles with. He talks about building planes with him and teaching him to build computers and stuff when hes older so I know he wants the relationship he just isnt sure how to do it at this young age.

The point is that you're fucked yourself quite badly and landed your kids with a crap dad just so you can get the children you wanted. It's really risky and a bit selfish. You're acting against your own self interest.

He needs an attachment based intervention.

For clarity, is your partner the father of the 2 year old? Only as you keep using the phrase "my son"; is your partner a step parent?

He is already on a CPAP machine which has helped massively and allowed him to work and drive. He just hasnt got the energy for much else. I do wonder if something else like diabetes could be a issue.

He isnt around much to do day to day parenting but he has helped with bath time whilst I have been pregnant and he cooks on his day off. I don't think hes a tosser in the slightest and I love him deeply.

We talk about it a lot and he does try but he just isnt good at it especially if its the short bits where he only gets an hour before or after work. Hes usually sleepy and sitting there with DS whilst he moves from 1 toy to the next or just throws things around he just switches off and dozes. If DS is in the mood for roughhousing DP will engage but he doesn't think to initiate.

His day off he is understandably a hit knackered but I will push for him to take DS out as then he will have to be present.

I do think I might send him over there if my dad has some time to try and help him learn to relax and have fun!

He doesn't do a lot of the general parenting as hes at work or asleep. So with exception of his day off (which i still do naptime/bedtimes as we have a routine that works after a long time of little sleep and screaming)

I care more about him just being able to keep DS happy and entertained so he doesn't feel such a big loss with me not being abel to be as playful for 6 weeks.

Also, if your partner is able to, working days rather than nights, might make it easier logistically, for them to spend time together?

I'd encourage him to find an activity he likes doing with the children. My partner really like den building with ours, and teaching them (reading / history / maths). Also taking them out to buy Pokemon cards. All of which I find really dull, but he likes it, so the children vibe off him and enjoy it too. Even at a young age, there are things both the parent and child can find entertaining. He used to do a lot of colouring, playfights and play cafes when they were two. When they were really tiny, they used to sit on his lap and watch him play Banished...

You keep saying “I know he loves my son” and repeating that he doesn’t push him away. It’s like a mantra. It’s also the lowest possible bar I can think of for a parent.

I really don't think hes a crap dad. Is he fun and super engaging? No and thats what I want to improve. Is he loving and caring and happy to he there is DS needs/wants some love? 100%. Hes taken him on some days out, tried swimming lessons with him and he agreed to me giving up my career (despite not wanting me to) so that I could be the mum I wanted to be for my kids.

I want him to put more effort into the very small amount of time he gets with DS to increase there bond but I dont doubt for a minute how much he loves him.

I haven't ever heard of this but I will have a look. I know he would be willing to try something as he doesn't like the fact he struggles with bonding with DS.

Yes he is the father of both kids.

You’ve made it alarmingly clear that you wanted multiple children whatever the cost. You didn’t stop to let your partner get over his physical or mental health issues and rushed into baby number 2 because it’s what you wanted. Now you’re paying the price.

He knows eventually he needs to move back to a days role but at the moment it isnt feasible. But its something we want him to do eventually as I don't think its good for his sleep either. But we are concious its a big paycut and with DS going to school in 2 years he needs to try and find a vacancy which allows at least 1 weekend day off otheewise he will see the kids even less than he does now!

It feels like it will be a lot easier once DS is a bit bigger and has some interests they can do together but he needs to clearly try to at least get him out on his day off so they have some time to bond which isnt so 'sit there and play' based.