To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

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this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

YANBU. Sounds like he's skiving off being a parent.

If he is that serious, why can't he go to the gym before work in the morning?
At least on the days you work, so you can also rest in the evenings?

At this point with a toddler it would be much fairer if we goes at 8pm when toddler has gone to bed, and there needs to be discussion about how much free time you get. Even if you don’t really want to book something that takes you out for a couple of evenings just to make sure he realises he needs to equally parent. Doesn’t have to be long term

Join the gym yourself and then say you should do alternate evenings. On your evening just sit there with a coffee if you want. I would honestly do this to make the point

Don't come home after work then. Join the gym and go workout after work, or an art class or whatever else takes your fancy. Agree that you each have three evenings a week when you are doing your own thing.
If you act like a default parent, that's what you'd become. So don't act like one. Be a bit selfish. It's allowed.

I think it is fine for either parent to go to the gym and have self care time BUT it needs to be balanced not one sided.

DH goes to Crossfit 3 evenings a week but I also go to gym classes 3 evenings a week. I deal with the kids on his 3 evenings, he deals with the kids on my 3 evenings. I tend to still do dinner on all evenings buts DH tends to do more bedtimes on his own. Purely down to what time each of our classes are.

It’s fine he joined a gym, it’s not fine he is so inconsiderate about when he goes to the gym. He either needs to go in the morning before work or once the little one has gone to bed.

How many evenings are you getting to relax, go to the gym etc?

YANBU.

This. Why does he get to avoid evenings?!

Yanbu. Your mental health matters too and it's not helped by him avoiding his dc.

Sorry, when does he see or parent the child? Is there 3-4 days a week where he leaves before the child is up and comes home after the child is in bed?

YANBU. You are being incredibly reasonable and he is being really shitty trying to make out that you are being controlling.

Being part time is irrelevant because the time you aren’t working is spent on childcare, housework etc. which you would otherwise have to pay someone to do.

The key thing is that if he is having time out to do things for himself then he should be offering and supporting the same for you eg parenting by himself for a few hours at the weekend so that you can see friends or do an activity, or being back in time to do bath and bed some evenings so that you get a night off from it.

Instead he is expecting you to do an additional 8+ hours of solo parenting a week without offering you anything in return, then trying to manipulate you into feeling that you are out of line to question this. Not ok.

Well isn’t that convenient for him! Citing his mental heath too….what about yours? As for calling you controlling…..

In summary he can’t be arsed to do any parenting in the evening when he gets back from work so he takes himself out to the gym to avoid it which is knows damn well is the real reason. But of course he makes it all your fault.

He’s a twat imo.

This

Obviously YANBU. As a side point, these are pretty long gym sessions, unless this gym is very far away.

Yanbu. You should join the gym too and you both take turns going in the evening. 3 each a week would be perfect. You both need it for your mental and physical health.

I would be all out of energy to go to the gym after 8pm. There’s no reason to only go when the toddler is sleeping.

It’s amazing how many hobbies a man finds when they have a child! Training for marathons, suddenly into Hyrox events etc. and they all need to be done in the evening just when parenting is most tough. It means they get out of patenting. But you can met your bottom dollar that if you did the same there would be hell to pay!
He needs to change the time of day he goes. Either before work or after toddler is in bed.

I was coming on here to say that going to the gym is looking after his health and enabling him to be the best he can be for his family. But reading your post, I don't think he needs 3 hours a night to do that, even if it is busy! There is no way he's working out for that long, unless he's training for a heavyweight title fight or something.

Tell him that you need several hours to yourself four evenings a week too.

YANBU
you Need to tell him what you have written in your post. Ask him. If a friend told him what you have written, what would be his advice to them?

Otherwise I’m afraid your relationship has run its course as you would be better off as a single mum.
He comes across as too selfish and too self absorbed to parent with all the time.

I agree with him that exercise is so important for your mental health as much as physical health, it’s great if he wants to go to the gym regularly, BUT when you have children it has to work around the family.

My husband & I both exercise, he goes to the gym 4 days a week, I run 4 days a week, we have 2 under 2 currently so we have to work together to make sure everything is well balanced. Most of the time that looks like exercising right at the start of the day before the kids are awake or waiting until the end of the day when they are in bed. Sometimes that’s not possible or practical and so one of us has to fit the exercise in during the evening/bedtime but I’d say that’s sort of once or twice a week, and it’s after agreeing. 4 nights a week which means skipping family time with no discussion is unreasonable.

He needs to go when the toddler is asleep, or in childcare. 4 evenings a week is too much. You need to have equal time for your leisure / hobbies.

He's taking the piss, is he not bothered about seeing his child at some point?

Why's he going for such a long time as well?! No newbie needs over 2 hours in the gym.

He doesn't want to parent and is using words like MH Self Care and Controlling behaviour to avoid it
The internet is so handy. Also other guys at work with helpful tips and hints. What.A.Prince.