To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

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this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

ha @Starlight1979 crossed posts. It sounds like all those male colleagues who call their wives pretending to be super busy and sorry, working late again. And then openly laughing because they just want to sit and wait until all the evening chores and bedtimes are done.

4 nights a week is nonsense. There are a lot of different ways family structure leisure / work / parenting but a parent opting out of every worknight evening is total nonsense.

You should be exercising too. Suggest 3 might him 3 nights you one night stay in together.

Is there anything suspicious about him suddenly working out? No other woman to impress?

I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

What do you mean by this, if you wanted to go to the cinema, out with friends, gym, club or whatever are you saying he might have a problem with you doing this?

Based on his response when you raise it, I would say you’re not being extreme enough and it is fair to say he’s avoiding responsibility for his child - if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it’s fair to say it’s a duck.

And btw, this isn’t a communication issue - he hears you loud and clear when you raise it. A man doesn’t accuse you of being controlling because he has misunderstood what you are saying or because you aren’t being clear enough. He’s just choosing to gaslight you or guilt you into dropping it so he can keep doing what he wants to do.

He is being a selfish t**t

He could go before work or when the child is asleep.

You say you don’t want to join a gym - don’t! But, if he continues to do this you really should get yourself out of the house and leave him in sole charge of getting the toddler dinner and to bed. Otherwise this will become a habit, he will have no idea of the work involved and it will just continue. Your child will grow up to think it’s acceptable for the majority of the domestic load to fall to the woman.

Honestly, I find the only way to deal with situations like this - which most of us face at one time or another - is insist on equal time to yourself. And not at other, more 'convenient' times for him, but at matching times. So, he has Tuesday and Thursday evenings 6-8 and you have Mondays and Wednesdays 6-8. Even if you don't fancy it you build it into the week in stone and go and sit in a cafe or in your car or whatever, You have to physically make the point to get it into their heads. Then you pull back and he continues to do it while you're in the bath or watching a movie in bed.

You can't control what they do or make them ditch the gym for 'family time' but you can insist on having matching 'me time'.

I know you say you don't want tit for tat but you also say you can't keep absorbing this. So going for tit for tat is honestly the only way to get him to understand. It does work - I've done it. Be firm. Good luck!

make out a rota with the nights that you do baby stuff and the nights he does. Tell him you have joined a gym and would like the same opportunities he does.

Go out on your nights even if you do nothing. Let him care for your toddler.

He is avoiding parenting his child.

Agree with him. Absolutely it's important for someone to take care of mental health and make time for self care. So you have decided to follow his example.

You are going out in the evenings on (x days). Doesn't matter if it's an exercise class, swimming, book group or coffee with friends.

He cannot decide to have all evenings whenever he wants. He will have to move at least one of his gym evening sessions to a morning. I bet he'll be quicker to complete his session in the morning.

OP, i understand you want to make things work, but in successful relationships that involves two people pulling together.

Not one giving the other taking.
Sadly for the selfish ones, it needs to be actions.

Counting up how many hours he is taking time out weekly.

IMO that tends to focus minds.

He is out 12 hours a week, that is 4 nights x 3 hours.

So you will be out for 6 hours both Saturday and sunday.
Women who do this because they have self worth, tend to get further than those who try and persuade losers to be decent men.

You have tried with words but he shuts you down .
That behaviour is from the abusers text book.

By all means stick to denial.
This is your life.

You have to stand up for yourself. If he says you are being controlling you don't just stop the conversation. Yes it is annoying and he will say you're nagging or whatever but this:

when ive mentioned that he says im home anyway so its different which i know isnt really fair.

THIS is why he is a twat. How about he does hours and hours alone with the toddler from 8am to 8pm one Saturday, see how he likes it.

My husband actually quit the gym when DS was a baby - he didn't join one to get out of bed and bath time.

No op YANBU. Completely agree that he needs to do something that’s just his. Just remind him you’ll be taking your time that’s just yours. See if that changes his attitude.

Agree with all of this.

I was going to suggest this

i dont want it to turn into tit for tat either because that feels childish. but equally i dont get evenings off and when ive mentioned that he says im home anyway so its different which i know isnt really fair.
morning gym might be an option and i might suggest that. or fewer evenings. i dont want to join a gym just to prove a point because i know i wouldnt actually go and that feels silly. but i do want him to understand that me being at home doesnt mean im resting. im parenting.

I do understand what you mean, but he's not going to understand it or change without some 'tit for tat'. There are two interpretations of his behaviour - either he genuinely doesn't realise how unfair it is on you, or he knows and doesn't care. Either way he needs to be placed in the same situation himself.

It really puts it into perspective when you realise its the equivalent of 6 hours on both Saturday and Sunday.

I would approach it as “hey can we have a conversation about the impact on me your new routine is having and work something out”

I thought I would read this and say you’re being unreasonable but actually he is taking the piss. The gym for 3 hours 4 times a week? Dh and I both use the gym but we work around each other and have an hour to 1.5 hours each. Why is it taking him that long?

Yanbu to find this too much. When do you get your down time? Maybe tell him you’re thinking of joining too so you can split the evenings fairly.

Gosh how on earth can you be controlling when you want to discuss your partner suddenly disappearing and leaving you with all the childcare 4 nights a week - that’s gaslighting I’m afraid- big time

there are so many posts about this - man going to gym for lengthy periods several times a week

I’ve got 2 kids 8&4 my husband has always gone to the gym and unless it’s the weekend he 100% goes after we have both put the kids are in bed. Who needs to go to the gym for the amount of time yours does?! Mines gone an hour most evenings max.

What do you get to do that's just for you? If he wants to get fit he can run around after the toddler for a few hours a day. It sounds really unreasonable of him.

You need the time to yourself as much as he does. If he disagrees, tell him he's being controlling.

He can do bedtime 2/ 3 nights in the week then go to the gym

you need to go to the gym do a coffee or see a friend or just go to a pub with a book