To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

[HavocReap]

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

Another day another DH thinking he can just tap out of parenting. He says it’s easy for you because you’re home already?! Uh hello that’s why you need a break because you’ve been home all day with a toddler and you need somebody else to tap in and help out!! Looking after a toddler is mentally exhausting. Going to work is easier imo!

He can absolutely go to the gym, nobody is saying he can’t but you need to agree on a schedule that works for the family. Calling you controlling for pointing this out is absolutely ridiculous and a perfect way to just shut down the conversation and make you feel like you’re being over the top. If you are saying to him “I need support” and he is casting your needs aside that is not ok. We all deserve to have our needs met and to be able to compromise with our partner to figure out a solution that works for everyone. That’s called teamwork and that’s what marriage is about.

Do not let this man make you feel like you are being unreasonable because I assure you you are not. Annoyed on your behalf.

OP you are making a lot of excuses for him and yourself which make no sense.

You say you need a break, and so many have wisely suggested you alternate evenings off with him whereby you get your break (gym or otherwise) and he gets his. But apparently that’s not the break you need; you’d rather stay home but make sure he’s there to help too.

But the thing is, he’ll never understand how tiring the arrangement is for you unless he experiences it himself. And he will only experience it if you allow him to, by getting yourself out the of the way and letting him do 2/3 evenings alone a week while you’re having a break after work.

I very quickly learned that the best way to get my point across to my husband was not through words but through actions. His first weekend alone with the two little ones was the last time he booked work trips that meant he was away over the weekend. I didn’t even have to ask him again after he had experienced for himself the point I had been trying to express through many words, explanations and arguments - none of which were as effective as his exhaustion from a weekend alone with the toddlers on the back of three working weekdays alone with the toddlers (we both work full time).

Your child needs adult parents. Is looking after him/her a chore? I think your husband was unreasonable to do this without your agreement.

It’s wise to resist the knee jerk reactions on here to just end a relationship. Many problems stem from normal mismatches rather than irreparable faults. Relationships require two people working together, and challenges are to be expected. For fitness, recommend early‑morning sessions rather than peak evening times. Gyms are far less crowded before work, and a three day strength programme is enough and effective because muscles need about 48 hours to recover for optimal growth. I work out between 6am and 8am then take kids to school. When it comes to parenting, recognise that people engage differently. Some men genuinely enjoy hands on childcare, others like myself don't, but nonetheless contribute in different but valuable ways. Rather than fixating on one specific task, look for other ways a partner can ease the load. I balance the equation of raising our children by:

1. Cooking a weekly sunday roast
2. Taking on majority of school runs and parents’ evenings
3. Handling the majority of washing and ironing the family clothes
4. Share the household house cleaning
5. Doing majority of food shopping after the gym.
6. Majority of household administrative tasks etc

Each person in a relationship must gravitate toward tasks they enjoy to ensure sustainability.

It’s good he’s going to the gym, but it should be at a time that fits in with family life. When would you rather he go? I go early in the morning so I’m back on time to do the school run. My kids are teenagers though so less hands on.

Oh OP, you are very defensive of this man.
He is running you into the ground. Every time you try to communicate your needs, he accuses you of being controlling. You shouldn’t even have to explain to him that it is not on to be out for hours four evenings a week at the most crucial time when you have a toddler.
You seem to be at the very initial stages of opening your eyes, I don’t think you fully realise the selfish article you have at home. Your expectations seem very low. You will be back in a year or two with more of this. It will happen when you have your second child. It is a path well trodden by thousands of women. Take heed and take control, you need to make a stand now.

Yeah he is being unfair.

He’s just doing it to avoid the boring parenting.

Absolutely not! That is a selfish dick move. 2 nights maybe, but 4? As someone else said, ask him how he would feel if you took off for 3 hours 4 nights a week when he got home? The gym is important for many people’s mental health but what about yours? Why can’t he go for an hour in the mornings or in his lunch?

Totally agree. Most men would not need to be told that being absent 4 nights a week in unacceptable

I had a DH who spent a lot of time in the gym and on his activities. I worked full-time but also did 80% of the parenting and 95% of the housework. I was exhausted.

If I tried to protest, like you, I would be called names, told I was being unfair, told I was a nag, told I just liked complaining, told I just wanted to stop him doing things he enjoyed for no real reason as I would be home anyway and he was only trying to better himself and look after his health.

I was told all I needed to do was “book in” if I wanted time off.

But I didn’t want to book time off around his schedule. I wanted support. I wanted flexibility to say “god I’ve really had enough today, could you do x while I sit for ten mins?” But of course if the other person isn’t home then you can’t do that!! You have zero flexibility. You have no voice, no agency. I didn’t want to pre-book an activity. I wanted to have a few minutes to myself! When I needed them. But he refused to acknowledge that and just returned to the same arguments saying the gym didn’t count as “leisure time” anyway as he hates going and only went to improve his health! (So health conscious he still smokes! So yeah, he’s hardly that health conscious!) And I only needed to book in with him if I wanted an evening off. (Why should I book my time according to his schedule??)

We are divorced now. There is still an expectation I need to book in with him. He has everything booked in sometimes over a year in advance. Every weekend him and his partner have something planned. Again this means it is difficult to be flexible. Although he does offer to be flexible, invariably when I ask lo and behold, they already have plans that weekend!

Anyway I digress a bit. No it is not reasonable. And he is the one being controlling because he has made a decision to do something four nights a week which means by default you have no options. He has decided for you how you will be spending your evenings, without any discussion. You’re asking for a conversation and a compromise. It isn’t you who is being controlling here. He is shutting down any discussion as he doesn’t want to compromise. He wants to do what he wants and he doesn’t want to discuss it. You simply cannot make unilateral decisions when you have a child. You’re supposed to be a team.

A bit rich to call you the controlling one!!

Some men are excellent at pushing the mother to be the default parent. I had this with my ex

Weekends I was on my own all weekend as he claimed he would be ‘working’ - self employed. We even had family days out where he would have already organised to do something later on and we would be rushing back for him to go out to do his already planned thing. Weekend nights, was usually on my own with the kids.

Years later I actually found out it often wasn’t work he was doing and he had numerous affairs - pretty much worked this out when he just didn’t come home when I was 6 months pregnant with our second. Him going picking something up for work which was hours away was an excellent excuse for him to disappear for entire evenings. I was a total mug. And he wasn’t even nice otherwise - narcissistic and abusive both mentally and physically. I was relieved when I finally had the strength to kick him out.

He’s still like this now ten years after we have split - I’m the default parent. I’ve raised them entirely on my own. He often just doesn’t have his kids claiming he is working yet lets me down on any additional care I require so I can actually work, and mercifully now the kids are at an age where I can leave them. Also thankfully I have an amazing partner now.

My ex used to go to the gym when our children were small. Probably 3 times a week and I didn't mind, but he wasn't out for 3 hours, he was half that time. Why is he going for so long? I think it would be more manageable for you if he dropped a day and only spent an hour in there.

Because the whole point is he wants to skip family time. That says more about him and the fact he doesn’t give a shit that OP CAN’T skip family time. He didn’t discuss it bc he doesn’t wnat to be told no. Also, him banging on about his MH and saying it’s good for him and needs something of his - I mean WTAF?! Is his OH a consideration and her needs, at all?

OP is already spending more time with their child than he is and he needs MORE time away? He sounds like an utterly selfish prick who has scooped the lions share of free time - 4 nights a week? Please tell me he’s promised to take sole responsibility on the remaining 3 nights OP.

When exactly is she able to have time just for herself I wonder…?

@HavocReap you know that he is being unreasonable. Parenting isn't something you can opt out of. I hear that you don't want to escalate conflict but if you don't address this then it WILL escalate. His beliefs that he deserves/needs more downtime than you will become further entrenched as you "manage" and "cope" and you will become more resentful. The gym is a symptom of a bigger issue - he doesn't believe that your work and parenting is as important and stressful as his work and he doesn't believe that you deserve to protect your physical and mental health.

You need to talk to him, calmly but seriously and tell him that you are now a team. Highlight all of the tasks that need done at this time of the day. Explain that if he wants to parent this child WITH you then he needs to be around to share that load. Explain that your need for exercise/downtime is no less important than his. If he can't or won't compromise or if he compromises but is sulky about it then I'm afraid you are not going to have any choice about the issue escalating. It will happen anyway.

Another in the long line of selfish useless fuckers who suddenly decide the gym is essential once they have a child.
He needs to understand he can’t opt out of parenting to prioritise himself. He needs to compromise his time and step up as a dad.

Are you sure that’s where he is going? It seems extreme to suddenly start exercising that much. I go to the gym 3 or 4 days a week but I’m gone an hour. 3 hours 4 times a week is more than anyone I know (including showers, travel etc).

And he is the one being controlling

You make an excellent point. This is about him controlling the OP and dictating how she spends her time caring for THEIR child. Another misogynistic arsehole who resents women when they kickback from being the default parent or happily taking on entire responsibility. (Have you tried turning the tables on his argument, OP?)

-Also, your ex sounds like one of the biggest arseholes and just reading about him made my blood boil. I’m glad he’s your ex and hope your happier now 💐

You know exactly what he’s doing OP - he can’t be arsed with the slog of parenting so is opting it out and leaving it to you.

Just another selfish partner like all the others we see on here ALL the time.

He sees you as the default parent and parenting as being your job.

Stop making excuses for him because you know that’s what’s going on.

This is 100% not okay.

You need to tell him that if he gets 3 hours to himself four nights a week then you also deserve 12 hours personal time too for the sake of your mental health and well-being.

So tell him he cuts it back to three evenings, and then you’ll take three evenings too.

And mean it and follow through.

I know you've said it's a drive to the gym but how long as 3 hours x 4 weekly is absolutely ridiculous. As a new person his workouts will be 1 hour max. The rest is taking the piss

He sounds a shit husband that is clearly avoiding prioritising family. This is not acceptable at all. 4 nights a week is excessive due to impacting family time, don't let him tell you that you're controlling.

He needs to change when he goes either before work, or when little one is in bed.

Mornings and weekends, does he do any solo parenting?

It will probably be more difficult to explain to him that you want to do evenings together (even though wanting the support is totally reasonable) than to explain that you want to eg meet a friend, go to see a film, have a walk.

Do you have money to do things on your own, for yourself? Or can he afford gym (and kit) because he’s hoarding his FT wages and you’re spending your small PT earnings on your child?

He only does 2/7 ‘parenting’ nights? He’s got a sweet deal. Stop feeling bloody guilty

YANBU at all.
I've lived through this and it is so bloody annoying. The biggest tell that it is unreasonable is that you can't just do the same.
I think four nights a week is okay, but he should really go once little one is down and settled at least two of those nights.
And if you'd like to join a gym or something else that would fill your evenings, then again, once little one is down and settled, you should have freedom to go too, so there needs to be a proper schedule, as flexible as you like/need, so that one person isn't just hogging all the free time!

One evening, no problem. Four evenings, he’s taking the piss.