To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

[HavocReap]

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

OP he’s taking the piss. I’ve been where you are. Didn’t want to do tit for tat, childish etc. but nothing changed. You actually do need to take yourself out and leave him to it, to emphasise what parenting is actually about. Tell him you expect to co-parent. Book a massage, go to the cinema, but you need to get yourself out, for your own mental health. You need to tell him that 4 nights a week of gym isn’t feasible (unless he wants to go after the parenting activities are done)… take a stand and get your POV across. My (ex) partner used to do this all the time. Started with sports activities, gym, signed up for a marathon, football etc with no discussion. Just an assumption that I’d be there. He actually said that ”football was a commitment he had prior to fatherhood”. What a cock!
So start how you mean to go on or this will just get worse.

It also sounds like you need to make some time for yourselves as a couple, so find a babysitter every couple of months so you can go out together.

But the main thing is, don’t be a doormat.

Yanbu. He is entitled to as much child-free leisure time as you get. And if he then chooses to spend that time in the gym that's fine. If he's taking more child-free leisure time than you then he's being exploitative and selfish

Incidentally if finances are arranged such that he can afford to join the gym but you can't then he's also being financially abusive.

If he gets to go to the gym 4 times a week then you get to go too (or have equivalent time and money for a different leisure activity if gym isn't your thing). Otherwise he's no partner just another shitty arsewipe who pretended to be human for a bit.

It's important that you each look after yourself and invest in self-care. Even if it's not the gym, try and get some regular time free time for yourself.

It can be meeting friends, going for a coffee..anything that gets you out of the house, while he's work your toddler.

4 nights a week is quite a bit

He’s taking the piss. He’s either trying to get out of looking after the toddler because it’s hard work or he’s cheating. Appreciate that sounds wild and probably isn’t true, but Men that suddenly go to the gym all the time and start looking after themselves tend to be cheating or thinking of doing it.

DH - a few days after DC3 was born ‘went for a run’ for the first time in our life. When I objected to him going running 3 times a week he told me he’d signed up for a marathon. I felt incredibly disappointed that he would do that to hide from having to be a parent.

Yeah I bet he's going and sitting in the cafe attached half the time, it's what I used to do when I wanted to get out the way.

What do you get for yourself and your mental health? He is the one being manipulative and controlling. He needs a reality check.

How much parenting does he do @HavocReap

Does he cook dinner on days he doesn’t go to the gym? Would he see your toddler in the evening if he didn’t go to the gym?

What time does the gym open and close. What time does DC go to bed normally?

You seem far too sensible! You’re right about tit for tat being ridiculous, but a compromise is needed. It’s not fair to suggest that you’re being controlling, because you’re not. My daughter has four children, five, four, two and six months. She does not go to work. Her husband is in the army and works five days a week. He also gets posted away sometimes. It has to be a balance with everyone getting what they need in terms of ‘me time’. He gets up early to accommodate his gym/exercise routine and is usually out perhaps 6 or 7 evenings a month, doing hobby stuff or seeing friends. She does quiz nights and sees friends - only a couple of times a month, but that’s by choice. He is happy to cook, parent and do anything that’s needed BUT does need reminding sometimes 🙂 They muddle along. Make sure you get some time to yourself.

What is it with men suddenly deciding after they have a family that now is the time to go on a fitness kick / take up long distance bike riding / run a marathon / climb Everest? Utterly selfish behaviour.

I too, go to the gym. I go after toddler DD is down for the night and I have my parents look at the monitor (once a week) and the other time I go is during working hours during my lunch break. I don't just swan off to the gym and leave other people to do DD's bedtime four times week because of my mental health.

If the gym is so important he can work it around your toddler. Sounds like he's skiving and using it as an excuse. Would YOU be allowed to just abscond from parenting like this several times a week and assume someone else would pick up the slack? Selfish prick.

hes not some monster who hates his child and i dont think its fair to say he doesnt want any responsibility at all. i think people jump very quickly to worst case on here sometimes. i get why but its a lot.
that said i do take the point that words clearly arent landing. ive tried explaining how it feels and it just turns into me being told im controlling or overreacting

Of course he isn’t a monster. He’s not stupid.
He wants the easy responsibility- presenting as the caring husband and father.
It is very common for men like him to throw around accusations of being controlling or overreacting.
He has a plan. A plan where you will be the default parent for absolutely everything that involves any kind of sacrifice.
While he continues to look after Number One.
A plan which seems to be working.
I bet he’s not anxiously worrying and asking for advice on Reddit…

What stands out to me is the fact you don't get to go out and if you did it would be a whole discussion.
Is that why you're saying you don't want to do tit for tat? Because your partner will make it hard for you to go out? He says you're controlling but it sounds like it's the other way round.
Tell him you're going out two evenings a week so he'll have to come straight home. You're only at home anyway because you go straight home from work. If he came straight home from work he'd be at home too. Tell him he has a child and as such needs to come home and help with dinner/bath and bed because that's his responsibility as a parent.
You really need to go out though. You've spoken to him and he doesn't get it so show him His reaction when you tell him you're going out twice a week will tell you if your relationship is worth fighting for.

He should fit in around your DC - either before work or after bedtime routine. Total piss take and unfair on your DC not to be able to spend time with him after work. YANBU.

This reminds me of my ex who joined the gym after baby no1, which was near his office so he was often late back. Baby no 2, he bought an exercise bike and put it in DS’s room, and then carried DS into our room around 6am so he could use said exercise bike. The noise it made woke everyone up. Yes fine to look after yourself, but the timing was the problem. That said, he later went overseas 4 times to live for work. He messaged me at the weekend and said our DD (17) isn’t replying to his messages / calls. I mean, maybe she is pissed her dad promised her he was done with his overseas work and was staying local whilst she did her A levels. Anyway, I digress.

I’d ask him to go before work, whilst you guys are asleep as he needs to be helping with bath - bed. Why should it all fall to you?

I've been in a slightly similar situation. Unfortunately I don't think it occurs to some men that having time to themselves comes at the cost of the other parent. Once I explained this to my DH (a few times) and told him how burnt out I was, he finally seemed to understand. You both need 'you' time. If your DH want to gym after work, then he needs to look after the kids on other days so you can have time to yourself. There has to be balance.

He's a skiver.

That's a piss take. I run five times a week. To do this I get up very early and run before everyone gets up. I'm back by 7am to start the day with our two young kids. My partner goes to the gym once they are in bed.

He should be going after 8pm.

Just to be clear, would you say OP's DH is a bit of a cunt? 🤣

YANBU. He needs to go after the child is asleep. If he doesn’t give this up then just leave him at home with the child on Saturday and go out all day without telling him.

Yes this! While women fit in gym or a run when children are sleeping or at nursery/school (I go at lunch time since I WFH) and somehow we make this work in less than an hour, men seem to do it on the assumption mum is perfectly happy to parent alone the hardest part of the day and they can take all night.

It feels like there's been a thread like this every couple of days...

Yeah my husband used to do something akin to this when we had 2 smallies and it caused a lot of friction. It was extremely selfish.

Others saying you take things up too are missing the fact that it is the kids who suffer then because the parent left doing everything is exhausted and far from their best.

We are well past that phase now but some of the many very selfish things my DH was doing over those years really hurt our relationship during that time period.

Thankfully he improved over the years but I feel very sorry for you going through it too and sad that some men are still so selfish when they become parents.

You must immediately join a gym and tell him which nights you are going on.
(Join one with a nice coffee shop, swimming pool and sauna so you don't have to work out if you don't want to)