To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

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this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

Your marriage will not last if he doesn't consider that leaving you four nights a week to put toddler to bed and then sit home waiting for him probably isn't good for your relationship or your mental health.

This might impact his mental health.

He's being a selfish prick at best.

The truth is that your dh doesn’t respect your time . He couldn’t give a hoot that you work and take on a majority of the childcare and domestic chores .
As far as he is concerned you work PT and have a vagina so you should be doing everything
He calls you ‘controlling’ in order to stop you addressing the unfairness
This is the crux of the matter .

2 times a week for 3 hours or more frequently but less time is fairer, perhaps going before work sometimes, it’s about balance

this.

id be telling him i’d joined up too (even if you haven’t) just to watch his face.

double up on contraception. you domt want any more kids wirh this lazy selfish loser.

What do the weekends look like OP? Does he do the lion’s share because he isn’t around in the week? Does he get up with your child? Makes their meals? Put them to bed himself? Or are you the default parent?

I agree with the others, he is massively taking the piss. Are you really in an equal relationship? Does he actually love and respect you?

YANBU. Just sit him down and tell him you both need the same time to yourself, so if he is going 4 evenings a week then you will get your hours the other three evenings so he will need to be home and responsible for yea time, bed etc

You sound quite passive and it's a red flag he is telling you you are controlling. Does he do bedtimes when he is home? When do you get time for yourself? He is minimising what you do to carve out lots of extra leisure time. I think you have to take a stand and say on evenings when he isn't working, they get split between you so you both get a break but also he actual gets to spend time with his son and practice putting him to bed. If it's easy for you then it's easy for him isn't it.

It's a tale as old as the hills - new dad finds reasons not to be at home for the more difficult bits of parenting. It's usually a combo of gym and 'having to' stay late at work. I've seen it so many times.
It's completely inconsiderate and totally out of order. You don't have to tolerate it. Put your foot down.

That’s fine for him but he should award you the same time to yourself… I make that 12 hours a week you’re owed for your mental health and wellbeing. Perhaps you can have every Sunday to yourself? If he says no… why? When that’s what you’re affording him?

Stop apologising, OP. Nobody gets four evenings of hobby per week once they have small children. He’s choosing to opt out of family life, and it’s not ok.

This is unreasonable. I waited until my youngest was 5 to join a gym and I go:
At 6am, while they are at children's classes there, or I take them swimming with me. Maybe once a month my husband will look after them while I go on my own. Point is I don't make it inconvenient for our family and it doesn't stop me meeting my obligations.

Exactly this. There is no way that what he is doing is ok. Not in any way.

If he does not accept that he’s going too often, then you NEED to teach him a lesson. Right now, his laundry should not get done. He will have to stay at home and find the time to do it. It is the only way he is going to learn. A man who is this deliberate in his walking away from family obligations is unlikely to change his ways unless he begins to be significantly inconvenienced. Sad, but true.

He's the one controlling. Controlling your time. Selfish twat.

If he thinks it's a chill out for you to be home alone of an evening with the baby doing dinner, bath, bed, that's great, it can be his chill out a few evenings a week.

If he thinks it would not be terribly restful for him, he needs to acknowledge it's not a cheap spa day putting a tired baby to bed single handed, well neither is it for you.

He can't have it both ways.

Your time is not your own for the first few years, whether you're at home or not.

You need a conversation about when you will take your wellbeing time. That might look like a bath and pamper session at home. Reading a book/ other mindful activity. It doesn't need to be out of the house but you do need a lock on your door maybe. You do need equal down time and don't let him fob you off with, we'll you're you're at home / you can do that after toddler is in bed ( so could he)

If you also say you need this time, he can not gaslight you by saying you are controlling, as if he says no to your request, he will be a hypocrite.

You need to let him know that it's a great idea and to make it fair, you'll be taking your quota too!

And btw, this isn’t a communication issue - he hears you loud and clear when you raise it. A man doesn’t accuse you of being controlling because he has misunderstood what you are saying or because you aren’t being clear enough. He’s just choosing to gaslight you or guilt you into dropping it so he can keep doing what he wants to do.

This, this, this. It isn't a matter of you talking to him again to get him to understand. He understands. He just doesn't care. This arrangement suits him, and the only thing that will suit him better is if you stop complaining, hence why he's accusing you of being controlling. (Quite a few men changed the script from their wife "nagging" to being "controlling" because that really makes the men sound like the victim of abuse, and women don't like thinking of themselves as being abusive.)
You've two options. Reasoning with him isn't going to work, so you need to make it unpleasant enough for him to change. Don't cook for him. Don't wash for him. Tell him you're off out and he'll be looking after his child.
Or end it if he continues this. Google "tolerable level of unhappiness".

So when do you get time to yourself for your mental health and wellbeing if he's out 4 nights a week? He is taking the piss! Can't he do 2 mornings before work and 2 evenings? Tell him he's being a selfish git and needs to do his fair share of bath & bedtimes with his child too.

YANBU
yes we’d all like to be down the gym for three hours every bloody evening. But some of us have actual adulting to do. People to think of other than ourselves. Children to feed, bathe, put to bed etc etc.
if he’s getting 3 hours off child-free in the evenings it’s only fair you also get 3 hours child-free as often as he does.

He's a lazy so and so.

Tell him you're you're going to take turns 50/50 at gym or whatever you want to do then see what happens.

"great, make sure you pack the nappies so the gym crèche have his size"

As you walk out the door.

This.

I know you say you dont want to get into tit for tat but very honestly I'd say
"You know i feel like shit and my mental health is crap too so I'm joining a gym too" then i'd explain the classes you like are mon, wed, Fri he can go tue thu sat...

And I'd go for 3 hrs min every time.... and id insist i need to leave the same time he leaves (ie dont be fobbed off and be putting the baby to bed before going out)
whether i was at the gym or my mums or out having dinner with a friend id be off out.... and i'd continue 3 x per week and continue to fuck off out and leave him to it for a few weeks after he says hes had enough he can "see now"

THEN I'd sit down and agree 2 x per week each at the gym

He’s checking out from parenting his DC. He thinks you’ll do it all. Make sure time off is 50/50. He can have 2/3 nights gym and you have 2/3 nights off too to do what you want.

This would put me right off a man tbh. 🤮

Shirking the children that he made, knowing you're struggling but thinking "yeah fuck it, I don't care."

I couldn't bear to let him touch me.

Why can't he go after toddler is in bed?
He's literally choosing the busiest time of day for parents - making tea, bedtime routine, and when little kids are generally at their rattiest and most difficult!
That's absolutely not a coincidence. He's avoiding bedtimes because they're hard.