To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

[HavocReap]

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

One evening I would say is fine, possibly 2. 4 is taking the mick

I think that's fair enough he wants to go to the gym. Just make sure you get an equal amount of time to do something you want to do so it's fair.

He is being a selfish arse! When do you get to recharge? He’s not unreasonable to join a gym but he is unreasonable leaving you to some parent

Avoiding parenting four times a week, dismissing my concerns, calling me controlling - these things would all have me feeling the relationship was on shaky ground. You are defending your DH to the hilt but if you have mother DC with him you will end up run into the ground. Your tone might be a bit different then.

Exercise is important but it has to fit around your other responsibilities. Right now he’s shirking parenting entirely and leaving everything to you which isn’t fair. He should start going either later at night or early in the morning.

Is it possible for your toddler to go to nursery for a few hours a week to allow you space during the day for your own version of self care?

If not then you need to speak to your partner about the fact that you are not the 'default' caregiver. He's feeling like it's no different as you're already home because he's taking it for granted that you'll just pick up the slack. If he wants to do 4 evenings at the gym then he needs to do it when your child is sorted and settled in bed. Or he gets up early and he goes in the morning when things are less hectic.

That being said, you also need to push for your own time.

YANBU he is being very selfish. You need to tell him you should be working as a team to ensure you both get the rest and time to yourselves that you need. Why does he think that only he needs time for self care and his mental health and you don't? I would ask him straight.
If he continues to call you controlling over this you do need to think hard about your future.

He's being very selfish and unreasonable. When our kids were small my partner and I were in it together. It's tough and we both knew it was tough so we would never leave it for one person to do it on their own. We had the odd solo night out, catch up with friends but we always checked in with eachother to make sure it was ok. I took up running a few years ago and I worked it round when the kids were in clubs, daycare, got up earlier etc. We have also been pretty fair as in, if I was out with friends then it's your turn next wk etc. He definitely needs to go reduce gym times, go earlier in the morning, his lunch break etc and you both get equal time to yourself.

I’d be questioning if he was even going to the gym? That length of time, showering there so he comes home clean, highly suspicious. Do you have any proof he is actually there? Or is he finding stress relief elsewhere?!

YANBU. The gym is important for my mental health but I come home from work first, spend time with my DC and do the bedtime routine. I'm not gone for 4 hours either. 1 hour in the gym us plenty.

Read that post back and imagine if you did what he's doing, and told him he was controlling because you'd opted out of parenting. He either needs to accept that you get the same amount of free time (your mental health is important too) or he packs it in.

Men who turn it round on you saying YOU are controlling are usually narcissistic and abusive. Not necessarily physically abusive but all the rest - THEY are the ones who are controlling and this will only get worse in my experience so don’t let it carry on

My kids are much older and I still feel guilty about going to the gym twice a week around 6ish (even though I'm back by 8 and still see the kids) as I'm acutely aware that means DH has to make dinner etc- i make sure i make dinner and clear up on other days to make up for it.

Wow. Has he always been this selfish?

YANBU

One night a week fair enough. But FOUR?!?!
He should come home and parent!
He can go to the gym when the toddler is in bed.
Where is your time for self-care? Or is he planning on allowing you the other 3 nights per week to yourself for your wellbeing. I assume not… 😒

If it’s such a distance to travel then maybe he should have got something closer to home.

What is stopping him getting up at 4am and going for a run before work?

Honestly if this doesn’t change I’d leave him. Because this will only continue.

"I don't want tit for that"
"I'm not packing his bags"
"I'm not going to leave him over it"

Which is exactly why shit men get away with it. There's no consequences for their shitty behaviour.

OP if you want something to change you have to hold him accountable and there need to be consequences. Otherwise this is your life now. Maid and drudge to a selfish man.

4 evenings a week all to himself? You gey zero?
Absolutely not.
No issue with going gym, but it has to be fair.
If he has an evening off, you get the following evening off.

What do you mean by you “dont want tit for tat”?!

Surely if he gets to go to the gym, you do too.

Exercise is important so it’s great he wants to go to gym, he just needs to make sure he supports and facilitates you going too.

@HavocReap

Those timings are ridiculous! He’s got a free pass from parenting. Revoke it immediately!

Exactly this!

Wake up @HavocReap!
Your partner sees his time and his wellbeing as more important than yours. If you chose not to enforce consequences he will just continue. Because why not? It’s easier for him. Your partner doesn’t respect you, because if he did he wouldn’t be doing this in the first place.

He is being unreasonable.

@HavocReap I think you need to make care transactional. If he is at gym 4 nights a week leaving you to do dinner and bath solo, then the other 3 nights a week he is doing dinner and bath. If he gets sleep ins, then you get equal free time for either sleep ins or time alone. You need to have you time and not be the default carer 24/7.

It's so common for men to be "busy" at key childcare times eg meals, bath, bed. That's really not ok.

Both of you are parents and both of you need to prioritise caring for your child, not swanning off and missing the harder parts.

So he's gone 3 hours a night 4 times a week to the gym?

Is his commute close to an hour? Because that's way too long.

I don't see guys hanging around the gym for 2 to 3 hours in the evening. They come in, get their workout in, maybe some chat a few minutes, and they're gone.

He's using that as an excuse to not be a present parent during a busy part of the day. Point that out next time he calls you controlling.

Suggest he get up early to do his workouts. I bet they won't take 3 hours. He has a kid and he can't live like a single man and have 3 hours workouts and grooming and dump most of the parenting on you.

His poor kid barely sees him. Would you say your husband has a strong parental bond with your child?

What about YOUR mental health?
What do YOU get for yourself??
I agree with others about joining the gym yourself even if you just go to chill out. And tell him you can do alternative evenings. He doesn't get to check out of parenting

You aren't TA, but I think your discussion does need to be around what you both do for me time and self care because it is important. Don't come over as "you can't go to the gym" come over as how you both get what you need.

FYI David Lloyd Gyms have family swims and creche facilities - maybe you could both have some me time and have some together time and have some family time!

the sessions arent actually 3 hours of lifting weights or anything like that. its travel there plus waiting for equipment plus him showering there because he says its easier than coming home sweaty.

This made me wonder if he's actually going to the gym. If he was seeing someone else he has a 3hr pass to go out and get showered at their house before he comes back.

I've known people use this exact excuse twice now. I think i would be keeping an eye on that and doing a little digging.