To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

[HavocReap]

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

Joining the gym is one thing, not a problem.
Avoiding parenting duties to go to the gym is not on.
He needs to either go after your toddler is in bed or at another mutually agreed time. Otherwise insist that you also get to go to the
gym from 6-9pm for the same amount of evenings while he stays at home alone with the toddler and see if he still thinks it sounds fair.

Find a hobby for yourself and alternate evenings! Wanting to unwind is fine, everyone deserves some me time! 😉

he says im home anyway so its different

This selfish attitude is the way a child or teenager views their mother. They expect to have their needs met with unconditional love and no fuss. Like you say you aren’t relaxing, you’re parenting. You should book yourself off for a day at the weekend, better yet two, so he sees exactly what’s involved in looking after kids and what the reality is actually like.

Men like him need to EXPERIENCE it as they have no clue as to what it’s really like.

Sounds like there are 4 evenings available to the household for ‘me time’ activities so he’s only allowed to take 2 of them. Presumably, if you were to go somewhere he’d “only have been in the house anyway” as well, so why the double standards?

I had this with my DH when our first was born - I pointed out that he was taking 100% of the leisure budget for both of us and there was nothing left for me. Thankfully this hit home.

Can you and him go to the gym on alternate evenings? So that you can equally care about your mental and physical wellbeing?

You join a gym or go swimming take up a hobby a make sure you do it twice a week in the evenings and tell your husband gym has to cut to three nights. It’s important for your mental health too !!! I go to the gym - or swim three times a week. But either get up early and do Nursey drop still, go once I’ve dropped little one before I start work or on a Monday (my day off work with my little boy, my husband starts work slightly later so I can go gym) equally my husband goes gym 2/3 times a week but is always back to help with bedtime etc . When is he even seeing your toddler ?

Not DH, partner. I wonder how the conversation went when deciding it was OP who would go part time and take all the financial risk, I'd guess the same way as its gone when deciding who gets all the free time. Does he pay towards your pension OP, or is that another sacrifice you have to make? What has your partner sacrificed for his child?

And this is why putting your foot down and demanding something for yourself, is not childish tit for tat, it's having self respect and not acting like a doormat.

i dont get evenings off and when ive mentioned that he says im home anyway so its different

I just don't understand this argument. How does being at home and being responsible for your child's bedtime somehow equate to an evening off? Would he feel that he was having time off if.you regularly disappeared in the evenings at weekends?

@HavocReap he Needs to come home and do his share of parenting then at 8.30/9 he can head to the gym .
2.5 hrs he’s at it!

He needs to know it’s time for an even split in parenting and cooking etc .

He isn't listening because he doesn't want to. Selfishness is working for him. So is throwing around buzzwords like self care and mental health.

People saying you need to fight fire with fire have a point.

There is absolutely nothing stopping him from going before work or after the child is in bed.

He's taking you for an absolute mug.

What is it lately with Skiving men? Just this week here,a guy who wants to go climbing with his brother all weekend, and some evenings as well. Another who let his 10 week post partum wife, catch the train to hospital while he "works" on her ML! I would nip this in the bud now OP,or you will be like these poor ladies too .Book yourself in for a couple of sessions as well .I think some men still seem to defer to their wives ,and get a bit "bored" of bedtime stories,baths, and having to settle a fractious tot! Tough its their child too ,and Mums need their rest

I suspect he's doing what so many working fathers do, and finding an excuse to stay out late so that he misses out on the witching hour/dinner/bath/bed potential drama.

Have you suggested a compromise? Say you agree that it's important you both get time to yourselves, but you need to split time off with resposibilities like toddler bedtime. He could go to the gym twice during the week and then once on the weekend, or he could go early morning, on the way to work.

I feel for you. I have 4 year old and a baby and although I’m currently on maternity leave the evenings where my husband does things like getting his hair cut, work meeting etc is tough when you’ve been with the kids all day. It may only be an extra couple of hours but it la the time of day they start getting tired and hyper and sometimes bored etc. It’s much easier to come home from work and only see them for a few hours before bed when you’ve had the whole day surrounded by adult company.

i think he is being unreasonable. I joined the gym a couple of years ago and went 3 evenings week ( group excercise classes). Depending on the day/class I would make dinner for everyone first, then I would go and my husband would do bath and bed. The other evenings I would do a later class so I left after bed or just before. He’s need to compromise. On the one night the classes started early so I couldn’t do the above, I made sure I did 2 classes so I was out of the house for another evening. It worked well for us at the time.

If I were you, I would make yourself some plans for the evenings he isn’t at the gym. Even if you just get in the car and drive about for a bit. Just to prove a point more than anything. But I would be telling him, he can only go 3 nights a week. That way you have 3 nights each to yourself and 1 spent together. Cheeky sod!

2 evenings a week is fine, 4 is taking the piss.

"It's great that you joined the gym but I'm feeling resentful that you have not consulted me about which times suit our parenting schedule, our couple time and support me to also have some alone adult time.
We need to talk about rejigging the gym sesson times - actually probably will need to rejigg a lot of things every month or so to cater for our growing, changing child."

Then make a time to sit down with a calendar and a mind that will both compromise and claim what you need.

Fair to me would be gym for two nights, two mornings, and three lunches during working week. DH seeing child five nights, five mornings and most of weekend days.
You claim seven exercise/childfree sessions with similar considerations. Nothing replaces good planning and communication when resentmant and selfishness surface.

Avoiding parenting duties to go to the gym is not on

And I suspect in this case it's "going to the gym (for 3 hours!) to avoid parenting duties"..

If he really wanted to spend time with you both, then he would prioritise that and go to the gym at another time. It's as simple as that

yanbu, he gets 12 ish hours a week to himself plus how many nights of childcare does he do? So you get an equal amount of time to yourself plus nights.

Oh and here’s another man not wanting to parent. When do you get to do something for your mental health. It won’t get any better I’m sorry to say

It isn't tit for tat, both of you carving out your own time. It is important both parents get time to exercise, be creative and maintain adult friendships as well as time together with and without your child. It is worth having the discussion with him about balance for both of you. You won't have hours and hours for this at this stage, but you can carve out some time.

This is not an equal partnership if he just decides he is going to do something that suits him and does it without discussing it with you and considering how it impacts you.

Decent partners/fathers don't put themselves first.

He should have come to you and said he wants to start going to the gym because of X Y Z and between you you'd have decided what is reasonable and how it is going to work.

4 nights a week and going straight from work and being gone 3 hours points to him avoiding parenting and the domestic drudgery. Or worse..... that he is seeing some else. But I've known so many men who stay later and later at work just because they don't want to participate in the difficult dinnertime and bedtime routine, it's most likely that.

I feel for you OP - I've sort of been there. You're defending your partner and feel he is being unnecessarily criticised by other posters. However, they are right and he is unbelievably selfish and actually making you doubt your (correct) perception of this situation. He wants to go the gym multiple nights a week therefore leaving you with an extra load? And you are accused of being "controlling" when you question it. Sadly, unless you are content with being a doormat and always try to see the best in him, this kind of behaviour will continue and probably escalate. You are trying to see his needs and shrink your own. He is only thinking of his own needs. High intensity toddler parenting doesn't last forever and during those years, both parents need to fully throw themselves into it. Sadly, many men just don't and yours is one of them. I mean this in the nicest possible way but I hope you wake up to that. I'm sure there are multiple other similar clues in your relationship if you would open your eyes. This kind of selfishness will keep showing up. Just cause he does some parenting at weekends doesn't mean he is sharing the load or being a proper family man. You sound willing to keep self-sacrificing. As I say, I have been there. And it took me a long time to wake up.

Much happier! (Skint but in control of how I spend my time which is wonderful)

PS if that made your blood boil, don’t get me started on how when I finally broke and said I wanted us to get a cleaner, he said he didn’t think this should be a joint expense (ie shouldn’t be paid for from our joint account, but rather from my own salary) as he didn’t want a cleaner!

No. Because you don’t do any fucking cleaning!!! 😡

YANBU at all!

You work part time and you refer to him as your partner. Are you not married? This is a very dangerous strategy. What will you do if when it all goes tits up and you end up as a single parent?