To be annoyed partner has joined the gym now we have a toddler

[HavocReap]

this might sound petty which is why im posting here before i say anything else and regret it later.

My partner has joined the gym this week and is going 4 evenings a week straight after work. He leaves around 6 and gets back between 8.30 and 9 depending how busy it is. He says its important for his mental health and to feel better about himself which I do understand and im not saying he should never go or that parents arent allowed hobbies.

We have a toddler. I do most of the evenings anyway because of his shifts but this just feels like its tipped it into being constant. I work part time in retail and on the days im not working im with our son all day then all evening as well. On the days i do work I come home and its straight back into bath bedtime etc. He says because im already home its not really any different but it does feel different to me.

Im not begrudging him self care. I really am not. I dont want to be that person who stops their partner doing things or improving themselves. But im starting to feel resentful which i dont like and i dont know if thats on me or if this actually isnt fair. There hasnt really been a conversation its more like he announced it and that was that.

When ive mentioned that it feels like a lot he says im being controlling and that he needs something thats just his. I dont disagree with that. I just dont feel like i get the same and im exhausted. I dont go anywhere in the evenings. If i did it would be a whole discussion. That probably says something.

Before anyone says it im not asking him to quit the gym or never go. I just thought maybe less evenings or at least talking about it first. I feel like im always the default parent and then made to feel unreasonable for noticing it.

am i actually being unreasonable here or would this bother other people too. im trying to be fair but also im really tired.

Sorry, he is very selfish & petty.
Showing his true colours sadly.
This isn’t a good sign for the future.
Going forward, tit for tat with the gym may not be the best thing.
If it’s possible to arrange a babysitter & discuss the issue calmly, without arguing then do so.
Its sad your DC doesn’t recognise the fact you need help to look after DC. This is the crux of the matter.
If he doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand this, you’re on dodgy ground now & in the future.

just to clarify a few things because i think some people are reading it as him completely disappearing. he does see DS in the mornings before work and at weekends hes around. its specifically the evenings that are the issue and i think ive not explained that very well.

the sessions arent actually 3 hours of lifting weights or anything like that. its travel there plus waiting for equipment plus him showering there because he says its easier than coming home sweaty. still feels like a long time though when youre doing tea bath bedtime solo again.

i dont disagree with anyone saying it needs to be balanced. i think thats what ive been trying to say without knowing how to word it. i dont want to stop him going and i dont want it to turn into tit for tat either because that feels childish. but equally i dont get evenings off and when ive mentioned that he says im home anyway so its different which i know isnt really fair.

morning gym might be an option and i might suggest that. or fewer evenings. i dont want to join a gym just to prove a point because i know i wouldnt actually go and that feels silly. but i do want him to understand that me being at home doesnt mean im resting. im parenting.

im not about to split up over this like some are suggesting. i just wanted to know if i was being unreasonable feeling fed up about it or if this is something other people would also find annoying. reading through im thinking im not completely mad but i also need to actually talk to him properly rather than just stewing.

Just another loser determined to avoid parenting.
This is what they do, use MH as a convenient excuse.
If he was being honest, he would do it quietly pre work, and still be around in the evening.

He doesn't want to parent and he doesn't want any responsibility for his child.

If you have a drop of cop on you will make contraception bullet proof, if you can actually bring yourself to have x with him.

You will stop doing anything that benefits him.
No more cooking, shopping and laundry.

You have been forced into constant parenting his child, cut anything extra to reduce your load.

Reach out to family snd friends now that he no longer plans on being around as much as possible.

Sorry if that is harsh, it just tends to be how it goes on MN.

Oh and losers like him try to shut somen down with accusations of "controlling" the minute they are challenged.

Funny how having a child fxxks their mental health even though they do the least they can.

Oh and you can 100% expect him to move on to gym at the weekend.
He sees his child as primarily your responsibility, like all losers.

We have a 2 yold. I go to the gym one night and husband does bath and bedtime then I do bath and bedtime the next night and he goes to the gym. You both need equal me time and parenting, so if you're not into gym you could go swimming or see friends or do something for yourself?

I know you say you don't want to do tit for tat - but sometimes actions speak louder than words - and I suspect you'll find this is one of those cases.

Everyone's right - you need to assert your similar entitlement to evenings - you do need to go straight to something from work just as he does so he gets a taste of his own medicine. Nothing else is going to work (if he was the kind of man who was inclined to pull his weight, he wouldn't have started doing this with no discussion in the first place)

Yanbu at all, he’s doing this to avoid parenting

i would do as above, else you’ll be accused of being controlling and not caring about his mental health 🙄

This. While exercise and MH is very important, he also does not get to completely drop any parenting. When is you time to unwind and prioritise your MH.

some of that feels really extreme and i dont agree with all of it. hes not some monster who hates his child and i dont think its fair to say he doesnt want any responsibility at all. i think people jump very quickly to worst case on here sometimes. i get why but its a lot.

that said i do take the point that words clearly arent landing. ive tried explaining how it feels and it just turns into me being told im controlling or overreacting which shuts the whole thing down. thats probably why people are saying actions instead.

i dont want to stop cooking or doing normal life stuff out of spite because that just makes everything worse. and im not secretly plotting contraception or anything like that. i still want us to work. but i am starting to think i need to be clearer about needing actual time off and not just hoping he notices im tired.

i dont want tit for tat but i also cant keep just absorbing it. maybe it does need to be more practical like saying on x night im not here and thats that. not to punish him but to make it real. because talking in circles clearly isnt working.

im not writing him off. im not packing bags. but i also cant pretend im fine with it when im not. thats probably the middle ground im trying to find even if it takes me a while to get there.

4 nights a week is taking the piss tbf

It’s both the timing that he’s chosen and the face he hasn’t thought that you might need some time out too!

So 4 days a week you are unable to go anywhere?
I do hope that the remaining 3 days a week you go out for a couple of hours after work...

While it's good for him and as he says his mental health, he needs to also take into account your needs and you guys work as a team. Sit down and talk?

You need to join a gym for your mental health and you both get equal evenings at the gym. You can go to the cinema, get a coffee, walk whatever.
This setup is totally unfair on you.
Also - and I speak as a dedicated gym goer with almost grown children- waiting for machines is not a good enough excuse to be gone from 6 through to 8.30/9. I do an hour at the gym because family life is important. I work around whatever scenario at the gym.

'You're home anyway so it's different' is a shit argument for a. Him having loads more time for hobbies than you and b. Him not running past you.

When you're at home you're probably doing jobs, listening out for the baby etc if you're the sole parent. If you've been at home all day it's not massively relaxing.

He needs to realise that looking after a baby / toddler is work. Going out to work is work. When neither of you are 'working' (either solely looking after a child or working out the home) the jobs / chicane/ chores etc should be shared. So, he is just unaterly decided you are doing his share of parenting / chores every evening. Which he is right is likely great for his mental health but not fair, or not good for your mental health. Would his paid work be happy for him just to not do his share, because 'his colleagues are at work anyway' and he needs some time off to feel better?

Fundamentally you should both do each other the courtesy of checking the other parent is OK being the sole parent, when it would normally be shared. And time off completely to yourself should be shared.

I'd be telling him again that it's not fair that he just assumes that I'm going to be doing his share of bedtimes / tidying up/ whatever the evening routines are he is missing, particularly without getting my prior agreement or offering to take my share of other parenting / chores to compensate. I'd also be saying that my mental health is equally important and asking how he is going to facilitate my need for time to myself (sitting at home while a child naps does not count here), time out the home, time on hobbies etc

@HavocReap
ive tried explaining how it feels and it just turns into me being told im controlling or overreacting which shuts the whole thing down.

Sorry, that is bullshit behaviour from him. It needs to stop - communication is vital for a good relationship, he's shutting you down.

This

He is going to the gym to opt out of toddler dinner and bedtime. He is massively taking the piss and he knows it.

Gym is great, DH and I go pretty much every day but when other family obligations allow

He should go to gym in the morning or later in the evening when toddler is in bed.

Every single one of his arguments are bullshit. You’re home anyway… what the fuck does he mean by that? Because you’re home anyway why would you ever want help or going out yourself? It’s just random words stuck together… ‘so do you mean that if I got a good job so you could stay home with ds you’d never want to go out again or want me home in the evenings to help? Or is it actually mysteriously different for you- because you think you deserve free time and I don’t deserve either free time or help at home basically. I’m struggling to feel the part of this relationship where you care about me. If your mental health is that bad maybe you should see someone and take some proper timeout, not here. Because it’s not helping mine knowing you’re choosing not to be here for large chunks of the time and you’re choosing to treat me as someone who doesn’t matter, who may as well cook dinner and do bath because I’m home anyway. I think I choose for you to be a selfish asshole somewhere else.

Partner joins gym but you have a toddler - not an issue

Partner joins gym but you have a toddler AND he is going 4 times a week until 9pm - big issue

But he is being controlling OP. He Iis controlling how you spend every evening, he is effectively telling you that you're doing bed time and staying at home every evening. If you didn't have a child, yes it would be controlling for you to tell him how he spends his time. If you have a child and you're equal parents, then his child is his responsibility half of the time he is not in work or commuting (eg evenings and weekends). So he is just giving you this responsibility without any discussion or agreement. And then calling you controlling when you object. That's awful behaviour

This! 👆

He's Default Parenting. He doesn't need to think about logistics as Default Parent will sort it all.

This is completely unfair; I found it bad enough when DH joined a club and was out two evenings a week. If necessary he can go for a quick session after the kids are in bed. I’d be concerned about someone calling your opinions controlling and an overreaction.

its travel there plus waiting for equipment plus him showering there because he says its easier than coming home sweaty.

How far away is the gym?!

I used to go to a busy gym which was 15 minutes drive. Even waiting for equipment and having a shower I wouldn't be out longer than an hour and a half / 2 hours max. And I didn't have small children at home!

3 hours is taking the piss.

also as a gymgoer, 3 hours is taking the piss. You say it's with driving, how far is the place and don't you have any closer ones? Not saying you can't spend 3 hours at the gym if you spend 20 min between each set on your phone and then an hour in sauna, but as a parent of a small child, you can certainly get a decent workout in much faster than that.

i dont think its fair to say he doesnt want any responsibility at all.

No. Just the fun weekend times. Assuming he works full time then he's out of the house for over 12 hours a day. So when does he actually spend any time with his child during the week?