How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

I guess it depends on the reason.
Are they not very bright, or are they lazy, or do they have additional needs?

My approach might vary depending on the underlying reason.

generally though I’d go for support and encouragement without too much pressure.

Have you tried speaking to the school? I know the school my nephew is at and the one I & my sister went to had their own drop in revision sessions some during lunch or after school, different ones for different abilities to provide more personal support than is possible in a classroom full of 30 children, might be worth a look?

Our local library also does free GCSE English classes for anyone to attend.

Exactly that. Do your best.

I think your first mistake op is assuming this is anything to do with intelligence.

You need to ascertain why your dc is struggling to the level of not able to pass gcse's, especially if they try hard and are attending school properly. I'd be asking for a meeting with the teacher and I'd be looking at issues like adhd or other form of nd, and looking into dyslexia. You need to know that you aren't in the position where you have a well behaved child who needs additional support who's flying under the radar because they are well behaved in the classroom.

I'd be asking the teacher for extra resources or recommendations and ask if they run a homework club or similar. Some youth clubs will also run this for gcse age kids for free so I'd ask around.

I think you need to have a very open chat with your ds about how they are finding it, what's their experience of school like and how do they feel about their work. What do they want to do when they're older and is that something they need gcse's for.

I'd also be considering where there is anything stressful happening at home that could contribute. I know my parents did all they could to shield me from my mums mh issues. I also know I worried so much about it I couldn't concentrate on my gcse's but they would say it didn't impact me.

Have they always struggled this much or is this new?

In my experience this will be down to the teaching style and maybe there is a SEN issue too? Children are bright, it's just some may not be above average or they haven't had an opportunity yet to show their skills in areas that truly interest them and in which they can excel. I firmly believe all children where there is no SEN involved can get to average level of English and maths with the right teaching style, some may take longer than others.

Putting pressure to perform on them is the worst thing you can do.

Intelligent people realise that all people are different, they learn at different rates, they have different learning styles and have strengths and weaknesses across many areas.

What you are asking is why isn't your child the same as you, with same interests as you and the same motivations as you. The answer is because they are not you, they are a separate person in their own right.

You cannot force a level of education, you go with what your child is good at and what they enjoy. They may never reach the same level of 'intelligence' in the way you measure but there are thousands of people who have gone on to be happy and successful in life following their own dreams.

You haven't really indicated what aspect of learning they are struggling with.

Are you asking why your kids are not as clever as you?

Maybe they feel like they can’t compete so don’t bother trying 🤷‍♀️

We found the CGP books really good for revising, there's also some good teachers on youtube, Mr Salles. Mr Bruff, Primrose kitten, The GCSE maths tutor.
I'd also work through some past papers with them if they'll let you, it might give you more of an idea where their struggles lie. Are you sure there's no dyslexia or any other SEN?

Excellent post. I didn't follow my father's understanding of "intelligence", his interests or learning style. Took a different university course to him and caused him disappointment.

I've outearned him pretty swiftly and gained recognition he's never had in his area.

I am also NC with him and hated his attitude (he isn't a good man anyway). Please don't pressurise your children to be like you, they're not performing monkeys. Seek their strenghts, top up their weaker areas if they need it.

Wanting a pass at GCSE maths and English really isn't expecting them to be 'performing monkeys'. Honestly that is just absurd.

ha you tried bbc bite sizee or cliff notes for english or flash cards for science. I think schools some don’t teach children “how” to learn

We have some friends (well, sport team acquaintances) and their really lovely DS struggled at GCSEs. Not due to attitude or messing around, he just didn’t have academic aptitude. Not at the age when he was taking GCSEs anyway. A couple of years later, he’s on a pathway to becoming an electrician. Yes, he’s still working towards a GCSE level qualification in maths and English when most of his peers are doing A Levels, but he will have an income while our DCs are incurring debt at Uni.

Have you actually read the OP's first post?!

OP, loads of people will come on here to criticise through the prism of their own lives. However, as a PP has said, hoping/trying for them to get a pass in English and Maths GCSE is not unreasonable, and I understand your worries.

Are there online resources you could use?

Find his strengths and ambitions ....even if it is manual labour

It is usual for intelligent parents to have intelligent DCs due to genetics and environmental factors. It is also likely that siblings would have an IQ that is within a few points of each other. If a family seems to not following this standard pattern, I would look closely for a SEN. It’s not always there, but it always worth investigating ime.

Agree with first part, but why even if?

Agreed.

Also agree with @Thingsthatgo

Is it just lack of interest (a tutor cant help much here imo) of lack of ability?

Not having decent maths and english is likely to cause problems / hold them back.

I'd be concerned. Maths to gcse is mostly common sense.

My kids are just 2 and 3 almost 4 and i negotiate with them already so I would probably get some online resources and pass papers and make my own quizzes and mini learning topics....
So he has do 15 /30mins daily on a topic to get access to any form of screen or wifi.

I'd also cap his screen time at a low level and let him "earn" more. One practice paper = 30mins or whatever.
If would also add caveats
50% min to qualify (so low /no effort doesnt get rewarded), 60% gets +15mins etc.

80% gets 90mins etc.

You get the idea.

That.only applies if he is lazy... if its SEN related or theres something more fundamental going on that needs addressing and all the revision is fairly pointless.

How old?

We have one child like this in an otherwise academic family. We hope she will pass all GCSEs and do better in the creative options, but we are not expecting any more than that.

If you have exam scripts then upload them to an AI platform and ask it to pinpoint the patterns in learning difficulty and knowledge gaps. It might be multi step processes or some other factor. You can also ask it for advice on what you can do to support focussed and impactful learning to improve results for a child with limited concentration span.

Our local sixth form allows children to retake Maths in Y12 while studying their sixth form options, but others require an additional year in sixth form to pass it first. Either can work well. We looked at lots of options for sixth form, including agricultural college courses and BTECs. The beauty of sixth form is the freedom to choose what they really want to study.

By very definition most kids won’t be above average.

I think it’s about looking for where their strengths are, where are they developmentally - some kids need a bit longer to get to the stage where they can make sense of learning and studying. While it’s much easier if they can pass exams in school the reality is there are many routes into a career and many, many different avenues for kids to go down.

Id make sure there are no unmet needs, support the things they’re passionate about and foster a love of learning. Then I’d focus on them doing their best, accepting their best might not be exam success.

I did ok at school but was in my 30s going to uni. I now have 2 professional qualifications and a Masters in my area of specialism. I’m not going to stress too much if my kids future isn’t mapped out at 18.

Is DC your daughter? Could they possibly have ADHD? Girls can mask it very well. I was diagnosed later in life. In school I was just able to scrape by, but I could have done much better had I put the work in. I just couldn’t study like my peers, and if I wasn’t a subject I was interested in then it wasn’t going in.

I had a friend who didn't do well at school, didn't even bother doing GCSE's as he'd had enough of school by that point. He had a few years drifting doing minimum wage jobs then did an apprenticeship to be a gas engineer, now has his own business and a portfolio of rental properties. He came from nothing, no family money or contacts. There was also a girl i was friends with at school who was in SEN classes, she now has a very successful beauty business. Academia and GCSEs are not the only routes to success.
Support your DC in finding and developing his strengths

Cry into the pillow at night, and reassure yourself that the other partner's genes are the issue 😀

This is true. Intelligence is usually inherited especially from the mother’s side. If there is a huge disparity- so for example, 2 intelligent parents and a child who is struggling to pass GCSEs then I’d be investigating whether there’s dyslexia/ADHD or any other SEN.

Ok, miss picky bits - "by the very definition", most kids won't be below either. No idea why OP seems to think her children are less intelligent than her and thus unable to pass their basic exams. Most children really do oscillate close to "average" with the right learning style.