How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

Did all these successful people come from the sink school then? That's surprising if it was so bad.

There are plenty of decent state schools as well. But taking away options isn't going to improve the crap ones.

Where I’m from they’re pretty much all “sink schools.” There’s one private school nearby, with very low numbers.

Like I said, if you’re truly an A* student (in old money!) you’ll be one whether you’re in a sinking school or a private one.

All children, of all income backgrounds, deserve a high quality education. That being at least in part funded by private schools paying the VAT they should, is a positive thing in my book. They’re a business, very profitable ones at that, businesses pay VAT. If that means some parents can’t send them - fine, send them to the comp with everyone else.

The point I was referencing in my post was the idea that private education benefits “society.” It doesn’t, not wider society, it benefits people who think their kids are too good to slum it with the rest of us.

My DH and I met at Russell Group University. We've both got good A-Levels and both us consider ourselves intelligent. Neither of us have a privileged background and we both went to state school. We've always both had good professional jobs.

Our eldest child scraped through his GCSE's, failing 3 and just passing 6. Him and 1 sibling may have SEN. Luckily, for our personal sanity, 1 kid is bright, hardworking and heading for 6th Form and hopefully Uni.

It's been hard to reconcile. I thought the greatest gift we could give our children was to pass on intelligence, especially for me. My mum was smart but held back by other things and my dad was the first member of our family to go to University. And we don't seem to have passed it on 😞

What we've learned though is that there are many ways to be intelligent, many ways to succeed, many ways to live a happy life. Not everyone is classically academic and that's a good thing. Humanity needs lots of different things as well as intelligence, like being kind or practical. Our lives are not the ones our children want to live and that's ok - it's their life.

(Sometimes it's really hard though)

Seeing as I didn't say anything of your last paragraph I'm unsure why you are arguing with me. But seems you suffer with a good dose of inverse snobbery

We can't be that intelligent because our child's dyslexia screening came way too late 😞

I went to a secondary school in Scotland that was considered "rough", only it was like two separate schools - those of us doing well academically and going to uni were all streamed off and we had great teachers and were able to do well.

But it also taught us how to get on with everyone. We mixed with the other kids for PE. We travelled there and back with them. We understood they had different life experiences and options.

Do keep up.

I responded to a different poster, stating (among other things) that private education doesn’t benefit society.

You replied to that post, and here we are now discussing. Had you not, this conversation would never have started. It’s not a private board, but if you stick your oar in, people are going to respond.

Your responses didn’t necessarily focus on the “benefit society” part. But did have an assortment of snobbish comments - if we’re going down that line.

Sink schools, sexual and physical assault (which apparently doesn’t exist in private education), people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds succeeding has to be either rare or pushed by parents, because they clearly can’t just be intelligent without an expensive education.

So yes. Perhaps I did have some inverse snobbery, but maybe consider that being in response to your actual snobbery.

You, and anyone else, are perfectly entitled to spend your money on an education that your kids should be able to access without the price tag, but don’t expect the rest of us to pay for it in the form of tax/VAT breaks.

Lol at telling me to " keep up" Some of us were replying in a quiet moment at work.

My kids all attended state school. But the father of the eldest 2 went to one of the "sink schools" And it was terrible. Even the teachers had no aspirations for the kids at all. It was suggested you did well if you got a job in tesco. He actually was one of the brighter ones. Got cse 1s ( school didn't do O levels) . Had to learn to fight as picked on for being a boffin. School regularly smashed up Whereas my son's dad went to another comp in the town where I live. Just a normal comp. The kids were encouraged to aim high, do A levels and possibly uni ( bear in mind he left in 1980 so every tom dick and Harry didn't go then) Better standards of behaviour were expected. The " less academic" kids were given contact addresses at banks and offices to apply for junior roles there if they weren't continuing in education.

Neither of these schools were private.

2 of my kids went to the same school as DSs dad and the other one went to a STATE grammar.

So why you are getting on your high horse about private education I do not know. What I do know though is that I would do my best to pay for private ( or move house)rather than send my kids to the first school described

Oh, my mistake. When you said in a PP to someone else that you had experienced both state and private education, I assumed you meant you and not.. some men.

I had experienced both. The above post was showing the difference between state schools. Nothing to do with private

And I come from a very working class family. My dad was a postman and my mum a shop assistant when I was young. It was the state primary school that suggested to my mum that I should take the entrance exam to attend the private school. They scraped together the fees for a couple of years then I took the scholarship exam meaning no fees to pay

However when my parents divorced my dad was of a similar attitude to you and pulled me out of the school and binged me in the local comp. I was about 3 years ahead work wise ( current year 8) and had a load of grief from other kids because I spoke properly . I spent all my time messing around as there was nothing for me to do and completely lost interest. It was actually very frustrating. What was the point of being good academically if I was just going to be ignored for it. Teacher asks a question, you put up your hand as you know the answer but ignored while they waste 10 mins with someone who didn't have a clue at the back of the class to say " err umm dunno miss"

Academic success is not a guarantee of future success though; lead with kindness, and teach them kindness, and let the state-set curriculum come to them as much as possible. They can find their way in life without all the exams that the school insists they do well in…

I have one who is traditionally very academic, impressive, good at exams, and one who was kind of average but really struggled at high school to even attend. Both are intelligent I would say though, just my youngest not in the way that shows up in exam results. She picks up physical skills extremely quickly. Anything sporty or practical she is pretty good at. Also she is extremely charismatic and likeable, but doesn't know it.

I think it's because manual labour is not very rewarding or prestigious, can be rather cold and unpleasant, typically means early retirement and can lead to an early death.

I think your first mistake is assuming you need to be intelligent to pass GCSEs. I don’t mean to be harsh, but unless you’ve got a learning disability, anyone can pass a GCSE with a decent teacher and enough studying. They’re designed for the average person. He might not get an A but if if can’t get a C I think you need to investigate whether he has additional needs/needs additional support. It’s literally regurgitating memorised facts, it’s got nothing to do with intelligence. I also think you’re making a mistake thinking being academic equals financial success. There’s plenty of different ways to be smart that aren’t the traditional academic ways. Although he’d have a lot more opportunities if he got at least a C in GCSE English & Maths. One of the wealthiest people I know left school with very few low-grade GCSEs, but always had a passion for fixing cars. He saw a gap in the market for cheaply replacing a very common car part that is difficult replace & is usually very expensive. He now lives in a house that must be worth close to 1m with no mortgage. If you DS has other smarts & passions I’d try and nurture them. The academic environment of formal education doesn’t suit everyone. I would try and get him through English & maths GCSE though, just to give him more options

I have one DC who is extremely advanced, capable, intelligent, predicted for scholarships, fantastic at any sport they try, has a million friends as wherever they go, everyone wants to be near them.

i have one DC who is severely impacted by their autism diagnosis and global development delay. They are non verbal, ridiculously happy (always smiling, giggling and laughing), attends a special school and has one friend.

I accept both my DC for who they are, and meet them at their level. I encourage both to be the best that they can be, which doesn’t have to look the same for both.

i accept that neither of my DC are me, not my possessions or even an extension of me, but people in their own right.

Love and nurture your DC and let them grow into their own path, don’t push them down the road you want them to walk.

Why is your own level of intelligence relevant? It makes it sound like you’re pressurising them to be like you when you mention that. Of course they are different people.

There are many different types of intelligence and it sounds like your child’s is different from yours. Parenting should not be an attempt to create children in an image which we choose, it should be an exercise in getting to know our child and, once we know what they will shine in and enjoy, supporting them in achieving it.

Part of that support is identifying pressures which might be holding them back and then helping them work around them - be that unhappiness at home, unhappiness at school, lack of self-esteem or whatever.

Their strengths lie in different directions. Not everyone is academically minded, but that doesn’t mean there is no future for them. Could you rewire a house or install a central heating system? Horses for courses.

What happens when someone has no real strengths in any direction. I know a couple of people like that? Not academic, not practical, no artistic talent, etc.

Everyone is good at something. Good with people? Animals? Plants? There are so many options everyone is good at something.

Oh I will have to try and find it lol. Nearly 40 years I've known one of these people and not discovered it yet.

Some peoole aren't.

You would have to do years of training to do those things which would require a high degree of intelligence.

They just haven't found it yet. I gave my kids a range of experiences when they were young to help them discover their passions and talents. Maybe it's something obscure but I can't believe there are people who are good at nothing. (Good for nothing maybe, but that's another discussion).

SmIle at your DC.
We had this situation for maths with 2 of our 4 DC.
One had grade D but had ( they insisted on) a Saturday retail job.
The other, grade D and no Saturday job. Both re sat. Still grade D. I learned that many achieve far lower grades than this. Employers are usually ok about grade D.

Character, politeness, eye contact with others if possible at interview and in work, count for a lot. No student loan ahead is very attractive and increasingly a first choice. ie. to not go to university.
(I think I often 'exuded panic' and didn't smile as the DC were growing up, the oldest now 40's).