How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

The useful bare minimum is to pass Maths and English at grade 4. Ideally another 3 passes, this will enable them to go to college for a Level 3 course or do an apprenticeship in something they really enjoy, or get a job. If they don't pass Maths and/or English they have to do resits or Functional Skills, usually alongside a Level 1 or 2 course. There are options, there have to be as a certain amount of children must fail GCSEs.

So basically, they need encouragement to do their best, and to get to the next stage where more interesting and less academic options open up.

DS used the free online programme Seneca. Books, flash cards etc didn't draw him in. It's tailored by exam board.

I agree with PPs who say try to ensure there is something they can be proud of that builds confidence. For DS it was sport but could be anything from cooking to being a scout leader.

In my experience many teachers kids act up at school. It surprises me because I was scared of my teachers but I can understand the need to feel they aren't seen as a goody two shoes. Or perhaps they are coddled by the teacher parents and not told off when they don't do the work so they get a sense they don't need to work as hard? Personally those are the parents I have noticed who often have Masters or higher and struggle to understand how they can get swathes of kids to get top marks but their own is firmly stuck in the lowest set.

I think as others have said just support. They will find what they want to do and excel later in life. The time line we set for kids doesn't always work for kids who have other things going on so just be open to them not knowing their path for a few years then encourage them back into education for something that actually interests them.

There's a lot of information missing here. What year is your dc in? What grades are they being forcast? And do you mean you hope they achieve a 4 in English and maths?

As a teacher I would say that children develop at different rates. Kids that are still getting 1 -3 grades in y11 are likely to have some SEN issues, possibly undiagnosed. If they are ks3 then it could be they they need more time to get to where they need to be.

I have one dc who has always been a high achiever and one who has always been below. I wouldn't say I ever felt like it was something to cope with but I worried endlessly that they might become aware and it would lower their self esteem. It has at times but we've always offered gentle support and slowly they are catching up. We are still a few years from gcse and I too hope they can get a pass in maths and English purely so they don't have to retake it at college (but I have never told them that I just say everyone's good at different things).

This 10000% very good advice here

How rude ! Many highly intelligent people are not high earners !

ADHD because they’re not bright or good at exams? Come on, it’s almost a default reply now

Just what I was going to say:

Intelligent parents should recognise that children may well have strengths and weaknesses that differ from their parents' and that pressuring them to 'do well' can often be counter productive.
What is the school's view?

We’re not in the UK. For various reasons DS2 had to have quite a detailed neuropsychiatric report done when he was younger. One of the main parts of it was IQ and what I guess would be intelligence. He excelled to gifted level in all aspects except ‘working memory’, where he is average. This is the part of intelligence that allows you to hold several thought / formulas / methods etc in your head at the same time as trying to understand and answer a question in a test or exam. He’s in secondary now and starting to struggle in maths and physics after being a very high achiever. His grades in other subjects are still really good, but this aspect of his ‘intelligence ‘ is starting hold him back 😟.

Suffice to say, intelligence is a tricky concept with many facets to it. DS2 is just as intelligent as DH and I - but wired differently.

Goodness me, I wasn't expecting so many replies. I'm busy reading through all of them. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
I will definitely look into the YouTube videos and past papers.
As with a lot of other people DC is currently awaiting an assessment for ASD/ADHD. Possibly won't happen in time for GCSE time.
One of the things we have been looking into is an apprenticeship but going through college seems to require 6 GCSEs. There are some companies that offer them too with fewer entry requirements so I think we do have options but obviously just want the best for them.
I do think that an apprenticeship might be a good fit and it's great to see the success stories in previous posts.
Thank you all so much. You've helped to put my mind at ease.
We've never put pressure on but I wondered if we needed to push more. I'll just try and introduce these alternative learning materials.
Wishing all of your kids good luck with their future endeavours.
Thank you 💐💐💐

By definition, most children cannot be "above average" and yet there's so much pressure these days, and I've seen parents in tears if their child doesn't achieve particular targets. Society seems obsessed-from the Guardian: "Sir Michael Wilshaw last night condemned the failure of some children to achieve the national average in English Sats aged 11. Today his office admits that was a "slip of the tongue" – the average is a mathematical calculation rather than a "target". But what does his error tell us about the Sats system?".
I didn't do half the stuff my kids have to do in primary until I was well into high school (and I'm talking at all my schools, so that's a few, and in different places)-and I was top set. There's too much pressure, if his teachers are happy enough with how he's doing, don't worry.

Could exam technique be an issue? It took me ages to get anywhere close to developing it, especially for humanities-based subjects, even though those are the ones my teachers thought I should be best at.

But, yeah, as others have said, there are plenty of routes beyond the academic open to your kid. Getting the GCSE Maths/English will open the doors to further academic or vocational study. Some (not all) vocational paths could be very well-remunerated indeed. That said, I think it would be useful to make sure your child (and this goes for all children) has a basic grasp of supply/demand economics and how this affects the job market before they make any big decisions.

Don't give them a complex about their academic struggles. I did well in school from a desire to please my parents and I went to a RG university, but I'm also now an anxiety-ridden, under-achieving wreck. You don't want your kid to be like me. Much better they be happy working on skills that they find meaningful but also potentially lucrative in whatever setting.

We were you are a bit more than a year ago. DC not expected to pass any GCSEs. We put zero pressure on them but obviously wanted them to their best. They were in fact diagnosed with ADHD and started on medication and they were suddenly able to work and passed nearly all their GCSEs. However there is always time to catch up if this happens to your YP too. Colleges offer all sorts of courses. Good luck.

Mine said it was cigarettes, alcohol and a sense of humour.

If it's any consolation, my cousin was absolutely not academic and significantly dyslexic (his parents have multiple postgraduate degrees each) but he secured a very coveted apprenticeship (thousands applied for 5 roles in a company you'd recognise) and his supervisors and superiors are fighting over who gets to work with him. He's doing amazingly well, loves the work and is planning how to set up his own business once he's qualified. Hopefully your son will find his way too.

@Pistachiocake wrote: "Sir Michael Wilshaw last night condemned the failure of some children to achieve the national average in English Sats aged 11. Today his office admits that was a "slip of the tongue" – the average is a mathematical calculation rather than a "target". But what does his error tell us about the Sats system?"

What does his error tell us about his understanding of 'average'?

You can't have a system where all children achieve the national average unless that's the mark which most children get (mode) and all the others do better than that.
I can imagine a test in which that happened, but it wouldn't be good for the children taking it and wouldn't tell his department anything.

(Have a very small number of very easy questions, which every child gets right. There would be many more other questions would be much harder. In this case most children would get the mode and possibly the median, but most of them would score less than the mean, which is what is often understood to be the average.)

We may think it's not a good thing that many politicians studied PPE at Oxford, but they must have had some Maths/Statistics skills to pass the first year Economics papers, at least the ones taken by people who are currently around 40. They were hard! (I have never been a student there, but I saw a few past papers.)

I struggled with GCE O level maths which had something to do with the fact that the maths teacher picked on me. I was not bottom of the class by any means - probably a low average. I gave up maths at 14 although I did bookkeeping, shorthand and typing. I never did pass O level maths although I later got a 1st in psychology at a RG uni. Should have got maths to be admitted to the course but I simply blagged it and they never checked. Then went on to get a masters and a doctorate. Just goes to show you can be poor at maths at 14 then go on to attain academic distinction. If I had kids I would be encouraging them to go in for a trade

What does she want to do after school? If she is going to do a college course, she can resit or maybe do Functional Skills instead of GCSE.

I'm not going to say it isn't a problem if she doesn't achieve a pass - but there are jobs where you can circumvent the requirements. Hospitality for example. Loads of people don't have gcse maths and English and still have worthwhile jobs.

Oh! NC for this.

thought to share. Mine is adopted although her late father was related to us.

not academic at all and her social skills were a little bit lacking because she wasn’t around at the small children growing up. Put her in a private school to help improve her social skills. Best decision we made as she really improved and became comfortable interacting with all.

Obviously, private schools are good as they exposed children to all sorts. She became very good at English. And sports.. so basically we threw money at it it, taught her discipline, values, work ethic (she picked work ethic from the home environment too because the whole family is hard working) and supported her as much as we could to let her understand that she just needs to push it to over the line so that she finishes school.

She went on study to become a paramedic. A few exam resits- but we bake that in. Passed. And now doing introductory course to nursing.

The answer is, perhaps because I have been in A star student all my life, got several degrees and have a fantastic job that pays well, interestingly it is the combination of all of that that made me understand that being a useful member of society is more than getting As et cetera in life. She also had the Added benefit that because the family is wealthy we also tried to encourage her that we just wanted her to have values finish school as she didn’t even need to worry about finding a job because there’s plenty of work at home/ family business.

as luck would have it, My Goddaughter is also not academic. And through supporting my adopted daughter, I’m actually making My Goddaughter’s mother Who despairs at times to understand that it’s not the end of the world. And that the mother should just keep doing her best for her and she will turn out alright.
so I can relate. The difference being, I have a deep understanding and love of humanity to not want clones. I celebrate diversity, and I believe that’s what informs my position and make me feel like it’s not a big deal.

I wouldn't stress over it, as that will stress DC and won't help them if they're not great with exams. One of ours is not very academic and managed to scrape 5 A-C grades including maths and English but it was far less than his A* siblings achieved academically. However, he's very emotionally intelligent, very likeable and always aces interviews because he's so personable. He's a support worker for disabled children and doing NVQs now - he's absolutely brilliant at what he does and I'm so proud of him ☺️

Sorry for typo, et cetera. Late here but wanted to support the OP so dictated.

I appreciate you taking the time. Excellent outcome.
Thank you. Wishing them both the best of luck.

Do you have any older teens in your family that have completed their GCSEs. My oldest son helped one of his younger cousins and they passed.

My university educated friends had three kids all with dyslexia, one had a speech impediment and dyspraxia . The oldest did ok went to uni and did well. The next is in the military. The youngest has tried five times to pass her math GCSE but just can’t do it. However she did go to college and got vocational training and is doing well in her field (early stages but as well as hoped for).
The parents helped when they could but just tried to find a route to help their kids succeed if they weren’t academic.
My own son scraped by a few GCSEs and got a vocational qualification. I did try to help/bribe got a tutor (in the few subjects he passed). My DH went to Oxford and I have a masters, but my son was just not cut out for academics - he’s a doer not a thinker. He’s doing fine. Hadn’t found his true direction yet (he’s 22) but has worked since he was 16 and is valued at his job.

Have you had her assessed for ADHD? It presents very differently in girls to boys. If she gets aggressive and defensive then this could be emotional disregulation.