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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

247 replies

ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes · 03/02/2026 19:47

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 08/02/2026 10:01

SnuggleReal · 08/02/2026 08:42

They just haven't found it yet. I gave my kids a range of experiences when they were young to help them discover their passions and talents. Maybe it's something obscure but I can't believe there are people who are good at nothing. (Good for nothing maybe, but that's another discussion).

My kid is good at spinning things round, eating mud, and shouting at TV credits.

I’m yet to work out how to transfer that into employment.

x2boys · 08/02/2026 10:08

SleeplessInWherever · 08/02/2026 10:01

My kid is good at spinning things round, eating mud, and shouting at TV credits.

I’m yet to work out how to transfer that into employment.

My son is good a screaming loudly and intermittently
Spinning himself to music
And is absolutely fixated by running water !

SleeplessInWherever · 08/02/2026 10:16

x2boys · 08/02/2026 10:08

My son is good a screaming loudly and intermittently
Spinning himself to music
And is absolutely fixated by running water !

Professional tap runner!

If anyone needs a professional “spin bottle around”er, boy have I got the candidate for them 😂

x2boys · 08/02/2026 10:26

SleeplessInWherever · 08/02/2026 10:16

Professional tap runner!

If anyone needs a professional “spin bottle around”er, boy have I got the candidate for them 😂

🤣😂
Mine could bottle wash ,but only one bottle continually 😂

FellowSuffereroftheAbsurd · 08/02/2026 11:46

I'm not sure if I'm intelligent or not - my oldest did not do well at school, he has a very 'spiky profile' where he attempted to argue how easy calculus was with me at 13, but doesn't get standardised spelling and has to be dragged through writing more than a couple sentences together, and living in an area that, while improving, has long been discussed as an educational blackhole. The school he was meant to attend ended up not taking an entire cohort because of issues that meant the Department of Education stepped in, meaning he ended up on a part-time timetable in a programme for children like him who were at risk of getting nothing (because even in maths, writing it all out is essential, and he is still low verbal most of the time). Years on, we agree it was the best of a bad situation.

Getting him to 5s in maths and English, it largely was going through practice papers and mark schemes over and over and over until he could see and reliably reproduce the patterns of what he needed to do to get the marks. It also really helped he was on reduced number of GCSEs so he could focus just on the essentials. While not the best, it's better he has 5 decent GCSEs than failed at the standard 8-10, and it got him onto the BTEC, that got him onto the cadetship he is on now.

I was fairly annoyed last year when my DD2 was taking GCSEs and she had couple friends who were known to be failing in Year 10, but no reduction to GCSEs were made. One of them was booked into a similar programme my son did for Year 12 at the start of Year 11, it was was just expected that this is what that child would need to pass, but had to go through and fail 10 courses first. It's ridiculous, but since COVID, that programme is no longer available before Year 12 and some schools just either aren't equipment to give that extra time for those core subjects or for other reasons fight tooth and nail against dropping GCSEs.

Precisely. If we are saying a third of children are leaving school without maths and english GCSE, their parents and state education are failing these children most terribly. Shame on the parents, it’s pull your socks up time.

I agree many children are being failed; however, to my knowledge, GCSEs are graded on a bell curve - so even if all kids did better, a certain percentage would fail because that's how the system is set up.

I know with my oldest, he had a lot of frustration as he looked at older bell curve charts after taking his and he saw that in combined science with the same score in one year was a 6-5 and in another year was a 4-4. So to him, it was that one year the same score would look great for next steps and another it's not considered a strong pass. It was a bit demoralising, because it wasn't just how hard he worked, learned the material, and how to apply it, it had to be a competition with everyone else his age.

x2boys · 08/02/2026 12:36

FellowSuffereroftheAbsurd · 08/02/2026 11:46

I'm not sure if I'm intelligent or not - my oldest did not do well at school, he has a very 'spiky profile' where he attempted to argue how easy calculus was with me at 13, but doesn't get standardised spelling and has to be dragged through writing more than a couple sentences together, and living in an area that, while improving, has long been discussed as an educational blackhole. The school he was meant to attend ended up not taking an entire cohort because of issues that meant the Department of Education stepped in, meaning he ended up on a part-time timetable in a programme for children like him who were at risk of getting nothing (because even in maths, writing it all out is essential, and he is still low verbal most of the time). Years on, we agree it was the best of a bad situation.

Getting him to 5s in maths and English, it largely was going through practice papers and mark schemes over and over and over until he could see and reliably reproduce the patterns of what he needed to do to get the marks. It also really helped he was on reduced number of GCSEs so he could focus just on the essentials. While not the best, it's better he has 5 decent GCSEs than failed at the standard 8-10, and it got him onto the BTEC, that got him onto the cadetship he is on now.

I was fairly annoyed last year when my DD2 was taking GCSEs and she had couple friends who were known to be failing in Year 10, but no reduction to GCSEs were made. One of them was booked into a similar programme my son did for Year 12 at the start of Year 11, it was was just expected that this is what that child would need to pass, but had to go through and fail 10 courses first. It's ridiculous, but since COVID, that programme is no longer available before Year 12 and some schools just either aren't equipment to give that extra time for those core subjects or for other reasons fight tooth and nail against dropping GCSEs.

Precisely. If we are saying a third of children are leaving school without maths and english GCSE, their parents and state education are failing these children most terribly. Shame on the parents, it’s pull your socks up time.

I agree many children are being failed; however, to my knowledge, GCSEs are graded on a bell curve - so even if all kids did better, a certain percentage would fail because that's how the system is set up.

I know with my oldest, he had a lot of frustration as he looked at older bell curve charts after taking his and he saw that in combined science with the same score in one year was a 6-5 and in another year was a 4-4. So to him, it was that one year the same score would look great for next steps and another it's not considered a strong pass. It was a bit demoralising, because it wasn't just how hard he worked, learned the material, and how to apply it, it had to be a competition with everyone else his age.

He did alot better than many kids though 5 decent gcse,s including English and Maths gets them onto a level three course
I wouldn't say thats not doing very well at school ( outside of mumsnet land of course)

Delatron · 08/02/2026 12:46

Spiky profile often means dyslexia or ADHD. (It’s unclear whether this has been tested for).

If two intelligent parents have a child who can’t pass their maths GCSE then these conditions need to be ruled out.

My DS1 was struggling. Had him assessed. With medication he went from a 2 to a 7 in English and passed his maths. All grades increased massively.

We are doing children a disservice if this isn’t investigated.

Intelligence is largely inherited down the maternal side. So if there’s an outlier in an intelligent family then I wouldn’t just write them off as ‘not academic’ or not bright.

Obviously not all children are academic or are going to do well at school. But that normally is consistent throughout the family. So the parents or one of the parents would not be academic.

Carycach4 · 08/02/2026 12:53

Has he actually ASKED you for help? I cant think of a more sure-fire to put him off, than a parent taking ownership of their teens revision!

Labelledelune · 08/02/2026 12:55

My two boys were academically useless, I did everything I could to help but they just weren’t interested, probably too lazy. I just let them be in the end. They are both now buisness owners with one being a millionaire. Sometimes you have to just let them be.

Arran2024 · 08/02/2026 15:02

Thechaseison71 · 08/02/2026 08:20

What happens when someone has no real strengths in any direction. I know a couple of people like that? Not academic, not practical, no artistic talent, etc.

Loads of jobs don't require a strength as such - most people find something eventually that they can do, suits them, doesn't make them cry. Sometimes that's all there is to it.

PandorasBox7 · 08/02/2026 15:12

I have 2 children and one was very intelligent and has 2 degrees and became a Lawyer. The other who is younger was more into music and art and decided to become an architect. We spent a lot of money on private education but sometimes you have to let your children do what they want. The intelligent one is now a stay at home mum and I support her choice. The other dropped out of uni and pursued a different career. As long as they are happy and have a job they enjoy I don’t think it matters.

x2boys · 08/02/2026 15:26

PandorasBox7 · 08/02/2026 15:12

I have 2 children and one was very intelligent and has 2 degrees and became a Lawyer. The other who is younger was more into music and art and decided to become an architect. We spent a lot of money on private education but sometimes you have to let your children do what they want. The intelligent one is now a stay at home mum and I support her choice. The other dropped out of uni and pursued a different career. As long as they are happy and have a job they enjoy I don’t think it matters.

So they both got into Uni then which means they must both be fairly intelligent?

PandorasBox7 · 08/02/2026 16:46

x2boys · 08/02/2026 15:26

So they both got into Uni then which means they must both be fairly intelligent?

No I wouldn’t say so I think it is easier to get into uni these days. We paid for tutors and a private school so they would get good A level results. Both my husband and I never went to uni but we both worked hard to make sure our children had a good education so they could go to uni.

x2boys · 08/02/2026 16:51

PandorasBox7 · 08/02/2026 16:46

No I wouldn’t say so I think it is easier to get into uni these days. We paid for tutors and a private school so they would get good A level results. Both my husband and I never went to uni but we both worked hard to make sure our children had a good education so they could go to uni.

Private school or not to be able to sit A levels which many kids dont do and get a place at uni requires a degree of academic ability.
Which many kids dont have.

Popadomorbread · 08/02/2026 16:57

Best thing is to nurture your child’s strengths. My parents were very academic. I followed on that pathway. University, high grades, professional career. My younger sister HATED school and any sort of traditional learning. Left school at 16 with 1 GCSE. Her way with people her creative skills that my parents always praised and encouraged however mean she is now incredibly successful and runs her own business earning far more money than I do! She’s amazing. And was never made to feel less because she didn’t conform to traditional schooling.

PandorasBox7 · 08/02/2026 17:00

x2boys · 08/02/2026 16:51

Private school or not to be able to sit A levels which many kids dont do and get a place at uni requires a degree of academic ability.
Which many kids dont have.

You are probably right because even though I didn’t go to uni I think I am quite intelligent. My younger child is like me and plays several musical instruments. I was hoping he would persue it as a career but he decided to do something else instead. I always wanted my children to go to uni because that’s what I wanted to do but my parents could not afford to help me.

PersephonePomegranate · 08/02/2026 17:01

Love them and support them in finding a vocational that might suit their talents and strengths, perhaps?

You're professing to be intelligent presumably by the title of this post, so how come you're not in a postion to afford tutoring? Or could it be that being 'intelligent' does not guarantee wealth?

Violetscramble · 08/02/2026 17:47

I have 2 adopted children. I thought I was going to save them and they were going to be brain boxes and do all the things I never accomplished (I am "clever" but lazy). Partner was previously a history teacher. Then at junior school was told that one was never going to be a writer. Well, I cried at work over that. Thoughtless teacher.

Both dyslexic, really well behaved and principled. One has physical issues, the other autistic.

After getting that reality check and dusting myself off, I am really proud and have stopped worrying.

Elder child got 1 GCSE and has impressed everyone as a healthcare assistant. Wants to go to uni and be a nurse. She will do it ( she's had a surprise baby but has determination that we didn't really see when she was at home).

Younger child left home at 16 (autism caused issues) and is now at University (I didn't see that one coming).

Do your best to support them (carry on showing you care) but you need to have a bit of faith and be able to let them get on with their lives in the way they can navigate.

SnuggleReal · 08/02/2026 21:22

SleeplessInWherever · 08/02/2026 10:01

My kid is good at spinning things round, eating mud, and shouting at TV credits.

I’m yet to work out how to transfer that into employment.

Running a ride at the fair, building eco mud houses, TV critic... the foundation is there. 😁

SnuggleReal · 08/02/2026 21:23

x2boys · 08/02/2026 10:08

My son is good a screaming loudly and intermittently
Spinning himself to music
And is absolutely fixated by running water !

One of my sons used to spin around to music. I sent him to dance classes and he became a professional ballet dancer.

What about plumbing? Lots of running water in that. 😁

LT1233 · 10/02/2026 12:00

My son was intelligent and then his laziness, lack of ambition and his habit of ducking out of anything if he wasn't Thee Number One Best at it took over.

He went from top of most classes, to 3's in English mocks (doesn't speak to anyone so no great surprise) and very declined predicted grades in everything other than Maths (very naturally gifted at).

I turned into a whirlwind at beginning of Y11 and devised a strict weekly revision schedule with tons of resources I'd found. He resisted until I physically started sitting with him to ensure compliance from January to his very last GCSE. He got 8's in everything which enabled him to get into sixth form to do his maths centered A Levels (wouldn't have got in without 6's in English).

I don't know how much time and energy you've got, but you seem like a very caring parent so I recommend taking on the role of tutor/mentor yourself - there are a LOT of YouTube teachers (I recommend Mr Everything English, he was the sole reason my son went from 3's to 8's), and PMT website for English, Maths and Science. There's apps and other schools online resources too (Bilton school for example) and Pearson and CGP. And dare I say it, Chatgpt. It's not for the feint hearted, but it does pay off if you've got the time to get stuck in to it with them (and if they'll comply!)

walkingmycatnameddog · 11/02/2026 16:23

Be patient. One of ours just like this, couldn’t or wouldn’t ‘do’ school stuff. Left school completely at 15 (!). Drifted. Woke up at 17, went to college, loved the freedom, went to a good uni, and got a Masters. Everyone was patient, lots of love and time given and in the end they found their own way.

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