How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

What is totally absurd is your lack of ability to read with understanding.

No child should be put under pressure to perform in any subject. They should be supported with the right teaching style. You really failed to understand my posts completely, I hate MN and this generation of posters, unable to participate in a sensible discussion and only waiting to jump on others. Honestly it's like a chavvy pub at times. Enjoy, I'm out 👍

Ime kids won’t excel unless they want to.
My ds struggled at school, even with some private tuition. He didn’t misbehave, he just didn’t appear to be that bright and didn’t push himself.
I tried different approaches over the years. Put the pressure on, took it off, bribed, tutor etc. It wasn’t until his peers started going to uni, that he realised that his part time job whilst he was at college, would more than likely end up being his full time job if he didn’t pull his finger out. His attitude changed, he did an extra year at college then went to uni himself.
If someone had told me on gcse results day where he scraped fours and fives (which was more than expected) that he would end up at uni, I would have laughed in disbelief.

He achieved because he eventually wanted to. Not because I wanted him to.

Chat to them and try to work out how they learn, we were forced into home Ed as our child didn’t fit in MS secondary. It’s been really interesting exploring lots of different resources online and in person. There are different exam boards that suit different brains especially for Maths & English. Some YouTube video presenters suit different minds in particular for English if you need to study an anthology. We all learn and absorb information with different preferences, and it’s great you can speed up YouTube videos. I’d find out what exam specification they are studying, look at past papers and marking schemes to decode what he needs to learn to pass.

This.

Op also says I her first post that they don't have the funds for a tutor. So she and her husband are apparently intelligent but still earn very little. Hhhhmmmnm.Maybe not that intelligent after all.

How old is your child and what are they struggling with?

I’m very intelligent and aced school and exams, my eldest son was the same. My youngest is autistic however so although he’s bright he struggled with learning. I did find it quite hard to come to terms with the fact I might have a non academic child, I must admit.

Up to a couple of years ago I was looking at college courses for him he could do without qualifications, fast forward to now and he’s found his groove and will hopefully be leaving after summer with 6 highers.

Ultimately though you don’t need to be particularly intelligent to pass
maths and English exams but life will have more doors they can open if they can at least pass those.

My son really struggled with English and we got him a tutor and he went from me despairing he’d even manage a D at national 5 to a C at higher. It was £45 a week I think and whilst if you don’t have the money you don’t have it I think it’s worth trying to prioritise it even for key subjects like maths and English. What do school say and what do they suggest; as they will be invested in your child passing too.

A really good piece of advice for my child who struggled at school was to run with their spark,

ao give them extra tuition in what they are GOOD at and what they love, rather than what they struggle with

could be sport or art or something like that, help them find their strength

help with English and maths too where needed but it is such a good idea to put effort into what they are already good at if that makes sense?

Agree with others. What exactly is he struggling with? Kids need parents to advocate for them and it might be worth asking for mock papers back from schools to identify target areas or raise concerns if there are possible unidentified SEN needs (e.g.slow processing speeds, comprehension, slow writing etc). Speak to teachers who can give feedback.

Just to add, my parents put a lot of pressure on my sibling to perform well at school, but the moment they 'gave up'، he thrived. He hated the pressure and feeling like a failure so was avoidant for a while. He was also the youngest in the year at school but a gap year before uni meant he had 'caught up' by the time he attended there.

In a similar situation OP and I’m afraid I don’t have a solution.

Basically I have a PhD and am an academic so I’d say my intellect is above most, DH has an MBA so again I’d say he’s above average. We have 5 DC and so far (youngest 2 are only 5 and 7 so hard to tell long term but going from previous experience with older DC), 4/5 of our children are very academic. I mean top sets, expected to excel in GCSEs, heading for Oxbridge sort of level for 2 of the teenagers and youngest two have higher than average reading age, great at maths etc.

Then have one teenager who really struggles academically. Had her assessed twice for dyslexia and she passed some of the screening tests so apparently isn’t dyslexic but she did fail a couple. She struggles greatly with maths and English in particular and is bottom sets. She’s fantastic at practical things so her elective GCSEs, she’s expected to get 7s but she’s predicted to fail maths and science and maybe scrape a pass in English.

Find it difficult to manage because everyone else in the house is intellectual and she struggles with this. She struggles with confidence in particular, when her siblings are saying how well they’ve done in tests for example and she knows she failed. It’s hard and I honestly don’t know what the solution is. I just big up the things she is great at and try my best to help her with the things she isn’t but she shuts down and gets aggressive and defensive so it’s difficult.

I'm very intelligent and was very academic but I don't really care if my kids are the same way. It would be lovely to be able to have deep talks about the things I understand or be awed into silence if either of them are excellent at maths. They don't have to have any academic ability though; they may master a craft, or an instrument, or have a knack for storytelling, or be really savvy and insightful. However they do in school, they'll have something absolutely brilliant about themselves and that's just as compelling as being academically gifted. The only thing that would truly disappoint me is if they didn't grow up kind. It would break my heart to have a cruel, selfish, disrespectful adult child. Everything else is just a bonus.

Maybe DC needs glasses?

Is he trying his best or not applying any effort to his learning? Have you ruled out issues that he might have such as dislexia, hearing or eyesight issues, ADHD, other SEN? What’s he good at ?

Does she have any hobbies or other interests? She could be great at something else it doesn’t have to be academic.

I'm not sure there's any huge correlation between intelligence and financial success, certainly not in late teens /early twenties

If anything is the people who bright enough for further study who get earning faster. I don't regret my university education as I loved every moment of it but plenty of people can earn a decent amount doing non academic work

A lot of the most intelligent people I know don't really earn that much at all because they value other things more than salary

i Hagues it depends how much involvement you’ve had and encouragement you’ve given up to this point.
if none, then I can’t see how you are suddenly going to get engagement now.

Two PhD parents. My youngest is very bright. My eldest tries in school, but with the best will in the world, is average. BUT, he's working hard to learn a trade, has a plan for when he leaves school, and most importantly, is happy, and we're happy knowing that. Isn't that what's important?

Yes she’s amazing at make up and hair which I am not, I wouldn’t even know where to start and so she’s wanting to do hair and beauty and become a make up artist. Her goal is to do make up for celebrities, she knows this will be hard but that’s what she wants to do. I nourish and encourage this, even though it’s totally different to what I’m interested in. She’s a great girl, just very different from us and I understand OP’s problems.

How do they cope? 😵‍💫

My sister is not very bright. My mum is capable (although not necessarily highly intelligent) and my dad is clever. I'm pretty intelligent so I think she was a surprise.

The fact is that intelligence is subjective. Academics don't suit everyone. Your child will have strengths. Find them and help them play to those. The end.

I'm very academic and also a teacher. My eldest is a plumber now, well on his way to out earning me and no debt from uni. He just scraped maths and english, but refitted my bathroom with ease. Trades are very well paid, he wants to specialise in industrial plumbing so is looking for a specialist placement.

My youngest is very bright and will get A levels, but hates them with a vengence and wants to work. She's going to take a year out doing her Saturday job full time, save money, travel and then look for apprenticeship in some area. Intelligent people work in all jobs- and so do stupid people! The worst thing you can do is to tell them that gcse are the be all and end all- they really are not! But effort, focus along with manners, drive and keeness, are so that's what you need to focus on.

GCSE performance doesn't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things. You phrased this 'how do intelligent parents cope with....' but clearly with that intelligence you haven't achieved financially enough to afford a tutor. So kind of proves a point that 'your kind of intelligence' doesn't matter as much as you are trying to push with your child.

Have the teachers expressed concerns? Is the child concentrating, trying hard, doing their homework, keeping up with lessons or messing about and not taking GCSE studies seriously? The answer to these questions could determine the way forward.

Are school offering plenty of support? Extra homework classes?

At my daughter's school, they had access to various websites like Sparx for maths. Anything like that available to you? CGP books are good, or download past test papers, this is often what they use in class too for mocks.

Some children are like sponges, they only have to hear information once and they absorb it. Some just aren't made that way and it takes time and a lot of effort to understand and take in the same information.

Help is out there.

Me and DH are very high achievers academically. I even went to university early.

We have a child who doesn't do so well in school. The system and the way of assessing just doesn't suit them. It has nothing to do with intelligence. They have intelligences that are far superior to our ability to perform academically within the system.

The way you cope is you recognise each child is an individual and nurture their interests and strengths, academic or not. Maybe your child is superior in creative interests? Maybe they are great at thinking outside the box? Great with people? Ideas? Animals? Will be a great chef? Author? Gardening? Design? Music? Sports?

There are so many other areas outside academics to embrace. The end goal is that they are happy, so who cares if they aren't like us if they are happy with what they are doing?

Being very academic can be very limiting when people have squeezed you into that box. I deliberately rejected boxing my children like that, even if that ones that are academic in the same way I was. I can also say that, after school, getting top marks at school has been pretty irrelevant overall.

Love and cherish them for who they are not what they can or can't achieve. I had a father who could only give conditional love based on my achievements which were nothing to shout about. It has affected my whole life . I was in the bottom stream at an all girl's grammar and he used to call me "my thick little C streamer" . When I did go to uni (so I guess I wasn't that thick) his response was "only a second rate place would take a second rate person like you". It scars you for life. I have gone on to do post grad qualifications and hold down responsible jobs but my core sense of self is that I am not in any way intelligent. When I became a parent my approach was to tell them to do their best, to love and support them and assure them I loved them no matter what.

Could your child have undiagnosed dyslexia or other SEN? An intelligent child will mask it well and could have flown under the radar. I paid privately for an EP assessment for my DD, teachers said she was fine. Worth every penny.