How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

Could you do a skill swap with a tutor? I know people who've swapped stuff like guitar lessons or dog sitting for tuition.

Congrats on failing your logic module.

If you are that intelligent then you must earn enough to pay a Tutor?

If it's not through being lazy or trouble learning for medical reasons (hope you get some answers soon on that), sometimes it takes a little bit more maturity than school age and not all children fit into a neat little box.

I didn't do well at maths, but a couple years after school I did night school because I needed the grade. I also did another qualification at night school that I needed to get into the career I wanted, via Uni. Sometimes it takes a while for children to find their mojo and what they're really interested in.

My brother, who ended up as a mature student at uni (we both went a few years after school finished), had a successful medical career in the NHS, got one CSE at school in German, and that was only because dad said he'd buy him the pair of trainers he wanted if he'd just pass at least one! Brother is smart, very smart but did badly at school. I think he is one of those people who always wants to do things on his terms.

If trying different teaching methods, taking away distractions, talking, encouraging, rewarding doesn't work, then you've not much left. Am sure your child will find his/her way ok, even if a few years behind their peers or perhaps something like an apprenticeship in something they like the sound of. Many options ahead!

not to be too disrespectful OP but while you and your DH may be “intelligent parents” it’s not worked out amazingly for you if you’re extremely worried about this yet can’t afford a tutor.

thats not a criticism as I know times are tough financially but it just proves that intelligence doe not automatically translate to a successful and well paid career.

on the other hand, I don’t have great qualifications but I’m now earning a pretty decent salary. I’m a single parent and could afford a tutor if my Dd needed one (she’s not at that stage yet)….so if you compare our situations it shows that “intelligence” does not mean financial success

My personal experience... I never had to try at school, always found exams easy and even at university I wondered when the clever kids were going to show up, until I realised they were supposedly the bright ones.
I married fairly young and had DC1 at aged 23. By aged five I was being told he was struggling despite putting hours and hours into every aspect of his learning, including volunteering in his school.
I had DS referred to a child psychologist (NHS, which took two years), and he was diagnosed with ADHD aged eight. Is there a reason you didn't seek a diagnostic route earlier? That was 23 years ago so much less was known back then.
DS refused medication almost immediately because he hated how 'slow' it made him feel, which is apparently normal for DC who do have ADHD, as opposed to what normally happens when you give amphetamines.

I researched all I could, had a friend who was a SENCO lead in a secondary school, and was fortunate to be able to work part-time. I cooked everything from scratch (no additives or preservatives), gave omega 3 fish oils and exhausted him through sports.
I realised you don't need to be set one to achieve in life and will openly admit I pushed him towards vocational courses at sixteen. He hated the classroom but loved cars.
I often read on MN speaking of apprenticeships like you rock up with no experience and qualifications and they'll hand you one. I made DS a deal that he could only leave his engineering B-Tec if he could find an apprenticeship. It had to be the old-fashioned type, not just some company wanting cheap labour.
He was on a level 4 course by the time he found a four year apprenticeship. It was for a prestigious company that hand-built racing cars.
DS walked out of school without a C in maths, he scraped English. As soon as he found something he loved he flew. He might have been treading water at college, but he gained a level 2&3 qualification (and passed maths), and completed free internships during Summers. He also learnt to drive, knowing he'd need that too. Over 300 applied for the single apprenticeship he waa offered.
DS aced his apprenticeship, finishing a year early, immediately accepting a full-time job.
I had strict boundaries as a parent because even though DS was diagnosed with ADHD, I knew the world of work offered little more than lip-service as a concession. Part of his ADHD is his amazing tunnel vision, it makes him great at his job. I encouraged that.
Academic intelligence isn't always necessary for success. DS is now 31, married to his childhood sweetheart with a baby. He bought his first home at 23 (no student loans).
DD is currently at university completing a Masters of mathematics in mathematical physics. She gained all 8/9 at GCSE, A levels in physics, maths and chemistry (winning the academic prize for chemistry) all at grade A. I'm proud of all of my DCs, academic success barely registers.

Do what my parents did which was nothing, then left me to go and resit years later only to pay myself for a private GCSE maths tutor which actually helped me pass the exam. If there is no money then fair enough but if you can make some adjustments for it temporarily it will pay off. For me it wasn’t about learning all the math I was just slow, thankfully I found a brilliant tutor which just went through past papers with me constantly and taught me lots of short cuts and quick ways to get to the answers. After several failed attempts she was the one who helped me achieve my pass. I had lots of teachers that were not engaging or didn’t have the patience for a slow learner.

Help, explore other methods of learning but not to a fault, not so much that it becomes an issue.

Some children flourish later or in different ways.

Do something with them that they can succeed and feel good about. Success and wellbeing are good foundations for the future - whether it’s in maths or something quite different.

Do your best and do resits always my advice.
They will find their way - it may not be your way but theirs.

I say this from a parent who is watching their child not turn up to college and is expecting a U at A levels. And we can afford tutors and they have turned us down. I am also at a loss as to how I can help.

The Gov has dropped the requirement for maths and English for post 19 year olds in apprenticeships https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cd7dl10p9qno.amp

I would hope an intelligent parent understands that not being good at school doesn’t make their child not intelligent.

If it was me I would really focus on him passing just maths and English and also explore if he has a natural aptitude for any trades. My dad and brothers are tradies and earn way more than me with my degree. My dad has no GCSEs but my brothers do have maths and English (I think). Focus on drive, business skills (teach him how to market himself, support him in making decisions for himself, foster independence and interpersonal skills). Also, you can always resist at college. If he fails it’s not the end of the word.

Interesting title for the post Op, possibly slightly Dunning-Kruger-esque.
Which would lead one to speculate, that perhaps if you were an intelligent parent then you would be able to afford a tutor.

I ask them to do their best. They know if they try their hardest that’s the best they can do. I always remember thinking I got more intelligent around year 10, but really I’d just figured out my learning style better. It happened again in my third year at university, I was able to evolve my learning style (which I needed to do as I didn’t do well in my second year!). My older brother was always, in my opinion, “naturally” brighter than me so my parents had to learn to understand we were different.

My husband and I are pretty wealthy (net worth 5million +). We didn’t do A levels even. We know plenty of successful people who weren’t academic. I think too many people equate intelligence as exam success and the interest in academia. Encouraging an entrepreneurial spirit is important and especially resilience. If they have it in them a lack of academic acumen won’t hold them back.

Know you said you don't have money for a private tutor, but just to say there are different kinds of options for that, not just 1:1. I put my DS on a short 6 week online maths tutor group (a small group, taught by a Maths teacher) was £120 (£20 per lesson). So not super expensive, and I think it made the difference in tipping him into a Grade 5. Maybe have a look what's available price wise.

I definitely wouldn't keep insisting they're just not trying hard enough. Especially when you tell them repeatedly that it's not laziness or a lack of willingness to learn. You desperately want to learn. It's quite simply that academically you don't have the smarts. Which is not what they want. It's not what you want. But them's the breaks.

Being of average intelligence isn't anyone's failure. I wish to god I'd had this insight growing up.

I'm amazed at the number of people who seem to believe intelligence=high pay.

I have a child like this. Does not help his sister is very academically capable. I don’t have a solution but it’s heartbreaking to see the impact on their self esteem.

just make sure he understands there are many types of intelligence it’s not just academics.

It’s OP that has said she wants them to be intelligent so they do well financially.

a lot of us are then making the point that intelligence doesn’t = high pay. Ironically the OP is actually an example of herself as she and her partner are both “intelligent” yet can’t afford a tutor (thereby proving that intelligence doesn’t equate to high pay)

It’s not assuming high pay, it’s basic pay for the DCs future.

How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

I think your concept of ‘intelligent’ is odd.

I did a degree and line of work that would make me considered ‘intelligent’ yet, I can’t even draw stick figures, couldn’t write a poem to save my life, struggle to put together a simple IKEA build etc. I look at so many people who can do things I could never dream of and think they are really intelligent, and I feel quite stupid in comparison. I’m guessing many of those people couldn’t have achieved what is necessary for my line of work, yet that doesn’t indicate they are not intelligent. Maybe try and look at it this way with your kids, as I’m sensing your definition of intelligent means being exactly the same as you only.

Have you had their eyesight and hearing checked?

Should have added, I have a friend of a friend that failed completely at school. Dropped out early as utterly no point going on. They are a multi millionaire, will earn more than I ever will many times over, as they have skills that are valued and means they are flown around the world constantly to deliver their services. I could never do what they do, and consider them to be ‘intelligent’, generally knowledgable and interesting to talk to, despite their dismal school performance once upon a time.
eta - a huge component of their skill set is problem solving, nothing ‘creative’ as well.

OP we've just been through a journey with finding options at college . Your DC can absolutely go to college even if they fail . Look for a college that offers level 1 courses (equivalent to a gcse) and they can do 3 of them effectively giving them some gcses. Then they can progress to level 2. Not all colleges offer this but many do - they usually have vocational subjects too. Dont push them - tell them to do their best and that's good enough. They have a whole future ahead of them. Find out their exam boards for each subject snd watch loads of videos on BBC BITESIZE for that exam board. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it makes!!