How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

DD has inherited all the worst or harder parts of our genetics, autism, dyslexia & dyscalcula, it looks like she will get 3-5 maybe even a 6/7 in one subject.

And that is down to her absolute dogged determination and consistent hard work if they marked them on resilience she'd be in the to 1%

We've recognised since she started school that she was going to struggle but this doesn't make her any less worthy or perfect to us.

I know as a parent I've worried as having good grades gives you more options, I would try and find out from school what he can work on to get the grades. Is it his understanding, his recall or his exam technique?

Remember the world won't end of he doesn't pass.

I know a couple who are both smart, well-educated, high-earners, whose child has learning difficulties as a result of birth complications. They love her to bits and are faultlessly supportive but the mum did confess to me how hard it is sometimes when everyone else in the peer group is wanging on about their clever children’s exam results. It’s made me more sensitive about talking about my own children’s successes.

Wow that’s such a good point! Cannot believe I haven’t clocked that before 😂

I think I would find it very difficult! As someone always top of the class I kind of just expected that my children would also perform well academically and fortunately they have.
I do have a friend who was also a high achiever, one of her children is too but the other is average at best. My friend doesn’t cope well with that and I feel so sorry for her “average” child - it’s clear to the child that mum is frustrated and wishes the child performed better.
So in observing this I can just say that I would hope I could gently encourage where needed but most importantly, help them flourish in the things they are good at, even if these are non-academic things like sport or other hobbies. Most importantly I would reinforce how they’re loved and cherished unconditionally and that as long as they’re always trying their best and working hard then we’re proud of them and the person they are because of all their other qualities.

please don’t do what my friends did, pushed and pushed all sorts, lots of extra tuition at home and in holidays etc, it all backfired. Find what you child needs and wants to do. They probably have other qualities, not everyone is academic.

Be interested in the child. It’s weird when you realise that a child is not merely a mix of its two parents. What do you want for your child? To be confident, curious and able to stand on his or her own feet and to learn about the world around them, presumably. I’m not sure that you’re distinguishing between being intelligent and being intellectual.

What do they have that you do not? What makes them the person they are?

I suggested this because they’re struggling to study.

Let me guess - there was no such thing as ADHD back in your day.

Not even read the entire thread because I’m so strung out with the nonsense of it all. Me and the Ex between us have two Russell Group first degrees (one 1st, one upper 2:1) a fistful of post grad shit inc an MBA and as my sister pointed out, I taught myself Italian last year ab initio in 3 weeks. Our 3 kids are thick as mince.
They are tall, muscular, model handsome, entertaining, polite, and cannot reliably tell you what month it is. One can wax lyrical about the fine points of 20th century economic theory. Another is so sensitive he can describe strangers moods without speaking. The third is a passionate defending thug who has form for battering anyone that pisses off a family member.

Their total GCSE score despite being at a fine Ofsted outstanding school (state) and also partially boarding? And being breastfed till oblivion by one stay at home devoted parent?

FUCK ALL. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

You get what you get. I cooked from scratch with that Anabel Karmel bitch, I fucking baby led weaning till my walls and hairline were destroyed and I gave birth THREE times in two years, including twice in two minutes.

Did any of it make a diff difference?

No.

I heartily wish I’d allowed myself to get pissed and high and stoned and eat unpasteurised cheese cos none of it makes any fucking difference.

I need a wee. Again.

There can be many reasons for this ( Parental accident being the most common,)
I am the same as the OP. 1 out of 4 is a disaster the other 3 are ridiculously successful. I think it may come down to genes ( my odd one out who I adore is pretty much a clone of my uncle). He never left home, lived with his mum until she died at 100, If I could figure out a way to show you an example of his writing!
I would . Good luck OP

We found Maths teaching both at school and FE college to be variable and often poor. Due to a national shortage of Maths teachers, classes were mostly covered by supply teachers from other subjects. When college did eventually recruit a new teacher, the quality wasn't good. Explanations weren't clear and the teacher was often stressed/ill then went off on long-term illness in the term before my DC's Y12 Maths retake.

I'm a single parent with 3 DC and finding money for tutoring was hard. We already didn't have holidays etc, no spare to trim. But somehow I squeezed it into overdraft/credit card. DC had 12 lessons from a retired head of Maths who seemed to know just how to motivate DC without pressure, all in the limited time left before the exam. Lessons were friendly and relaxed but targeted weakest areas. Each started with 5-10 mins of chat to engage and put in the right mood for learning and confidence quickly increased. The result was an leap of almost 2 whole grades and a solid pass for Maths GCSE.

That tutoring was the best £600 I've ever spent. Now paid off. Maths and English Language are the gateway to so many opportunities. I wouldn't hesitate to do it again.

If it's any reassurance I have seen no correlation between intelligence, school results and doing well in the world post school. I suspect this will be even more so in our increasingly AI world.

Having friends, willing to try and learn things in the outside world , good mental health and parents who are supporting (rather than directing by them) seems to be key.

You sound like a great parent trying to do the right thing by your child.

Dd3 is on track to fail all her GCSEs but that’s nothing to do with her intelligence.

shes a bright, astute, observant girl but she’s really had a crap time since she was ten, She’s had to deal with grief, ptsd, seperation anxiety from me and her dsis ,school anxiety and is now waiting for an assessment for adhd/asd

I have a degree, her older sister has a degree and my other 2 children although not strictly academic did fairly well with their GCSEs. I’m not disappointed at all in the slightest, out of the four kids she’s been the one that has struggled the most and I feel for her.

theres no pressure from me apart from gentle encouragement. She plans on going to college but she’ll go in at a level 1 and resit her maths and English. If it takes her a bit longer for her to get where she wants to be then so be it!

I have said that if she hates college and leaves then that’s fine but she will have to get a job of some sort even if it’s cleaning ( Iam a cleaner myself) as I won’t have anyone sitting round the house doing nothing but I’m hoping that she sticks at college.

op I’d be looking into ADHD/ASD at the very least least, or dyslexia perhaps

I sense they are home educated. Otherwise why isn't school helping with resources, motivation, exam technique, revision.

I empathise. My son 14 year old is adopted and bright but due to his early experiences massively lacks resilience and confidence, and gives up easily if bored or thinks something is too difficult.

I doubt he will get any GCSEs. I also doubt I would be able to make him go to tutoring.

He is a very talented mechanic, obsessed with bikes and cars and tools and taking things apart and putting them back together. I am hoping he will get some kind of apprenticeship (though still worried he will never pass the Eng/Maths that most require). He works hard when it's something he's interested in, volunteers in a bike shop and has an after school job. What is your DC interested in - I think the only way forward is to lean into their own talents and interests and build confidence.

With respect, if you are so intelligent why haven’t you worked out a way to fund or source some free tutoring for your child? You tube videos?? and why are you falling out with them when you try to help them? Where’s your patience and ability to adapt your style of imparting knowledge so that your child can absorb the information? Maybe they are just like you?

You need to see what exactly they are struggling with - I highly doubt it’s just ‘they’re not intelligent’ - it’s more like they can’t apply themselves or find it too boring. That is part of the education process aswell - you need to overcome those things and still succeed at the grades.

agree you should try extra learning like bbc bitesize or the cgt (?) books. There’ll be loads online to follow along.

This. Sorry OP but your title gives the game away - you have a LOT of expectations based on (guessing here) how you were at school. You need to step back and look at the child in front of you, what is the barrier to their getting on top of the core subjects. Are they dyslexic for example? I remember worrying about my son when he was 7-8 because he was the only one who couldn’t read in his class. Not even “mat / rat”. I had no idea what to do so I asked the GP and she said “you just have to accept some children are thick”. Actually, he is dyslexic and as soon as he got appropriate support he was fine.

Yep, that was us last year. DD only passed three - thankfully maths and English were two of them. She’s SEN - it sounds like your DC is too, @ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes. It’s really hard watching them struggle but don’t despair. My DD is thriving at college doing a BTEC Level 2 and is on course to pass with Distinction, which will give her the equivalent of four more GCSEs as far as employers are concerned. She’s going up to Level 3 in Sept. When she applied they wanted five passes but on enrolment day worked with us to get her on her course.

She’s like a different child. So happy and productive. The sheer volume of GCSE papers they have to sit overwhelmed her to the point where she just shut down. Doing a vocational course has turned everything around. Come join our thread on the Further Education board for more GCSE fail success stories!

Some kids just don't take it in. One of my DC recently resat GCSE Maths in college. He is very intelligent, he just couldn't take it in. His learning environment was not suited to the way he learned at school and we tried everything. None of my DV have ever been any good at learning where interaction didn't take place so 'bums on seats' didn't suit and then along came COVID.

They are all like me, better hands on, all think outside the box, I struggled with exams but I have a really high IQ

Unfortunately these days they are well maths and English at least ,the system for less academic kids is just awful.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/22/why-isnt-my-child-clever-as-me

I remember reading this a long time ago. It stuck with me and I'd love to know what Bella is up to now or in ten years' time.

I think intelligent parents would wonder why, when the average child is normally capable of 5 passes at 3-4 in GCSEs, their child is not.

They would long, long ago visited the school to ascertain if there is an issue at school, whether their child was lazy/disruptive and if not, they would have sought an educational psych assessment to rule out dyslexia, dyscalculia and even ND issues - which I see you are awaiting.

If I were these parents I would be urgently exploring the diagnosis so that you at least have it in place for 6th form. Get the school, GP, everyone on side and get it expedited. Tbh, I’d speak to the GP about who they’ve referred to and explore a private referral to the same clinic as that can be done within weeks. I’d take out a loan/get a new credit card, sell stuff on vinted, borrow from GPs to get the money together to do this.

However, I’d also advise you not to panic about the qualifications themselves. A friends’s DS failed all his GCSEs for reasons of lack of diagnosis and correct support at school - but fortunately got a place at a local 6th form where he was able to start afresh. Y1 he redid 5 GCSEs and in Y2-3 is now doing BTECs and an A level with the view to getting onto an apprenticeship degree after that. My own DD did well in GCSEs but dropped out of 6th form twice. Eventually went back to tech college to do an Access Course and is now at university.

There are lots of alternative routes to higher education and training schemes, but your DS won’t be able to access those unless you get to the bottom of WHY he is failing - and prioritise getting this sorted now. Your own level of intelligence is not the issue but your resolve in advocating for your DS is.

My daughter is adopted too. She works in childcare, and at the time, she needed maths and English to do an apprenticeship or a college course and she was way off with the maths.

She spent two years doing an alternative provision post 16 course (she had an ehc), where the focus was on her getting the maths and English at Functional Skills level. She did get the English but not the maths, so she couldn't progress.

But I found a NEET scheme which helped her get an apprenticeship and they gave her 1 to 1 tuition in maths and in levelv2 childcare and she got it - for her, now she had the apprenticeship, it was really important to get the maths whereas I think that previously it had been more abstract.

There are more schemes around than people realise for post 16. My nephew did a course with a local rugby club, which was for NEETs. He got a job from that.

But also, the Gov has dropped the requirements for maths and English for apprenticeships post 19. I linked to it upvthread.

She literally said that in the OP. Shes asking how she can get her kid to pass their GCSEs in maths and English. Yes we all have our own strengths, but unless SEN or seriously not bright (or home issues) most kids could get a 4 in Maths and English without working their arse off.

I don’t think this is true. My brother doesn’t have SEN but he has never been able to pass his English GCSE. It’s funny because my PhD is in literature, I’ve dedicated my life to it and my brother couldn’t even pass the GCSE. He did lots of resits over the years before giving up and doing functional skills purely for job prospects.

Everyone just has different talents, abilities and skills in life and this is ok. It’s unfair to measure everyone in the same way. Our education system is broken. I like the Finnish model.