How do intelligent parents cope if their child isn't very good at school?

[ThisLittlePiggyHasEatenAllOfTheJaffaCakes]

I'll just start by saying I know that we all have our own strengths and weaknesses and that is great. We love our DC no matter what but just want a more financially comfortable start than we had.
We are really struggling to get our DC up to a level whereby they are going to pass any GCSEs but especially Maths and English. We have tried all different kinds of revision techniques but our 'style' does not seem to match with DC. We end up falling out and I don't want that.
Sadly finances do not allow for a Tutor.
Has anyone got any suggestions? Or do we just say "do your best" and do resits if needed?

About 30% of students don't achieve a Grade 4 in Maths GCSE, that's quite a lot. . That will include a substantial number who are't stupid, SEN or incapable of counting, but just don't get on with the overly academic and theoretical subject matter. I really think Functional Skills should be an option at 16. Very few go on to pass GCSEs at re-sits.

Thank you so much for this. I will save your response - very useful

What's intelligence go to do with what you earn? Or are all SAHMs thick? After all they aren't earning a penny

Yep this is my son hes failed to get a grade four in Maths and English three times ,hes just passed level 2 English functional skills snd fingers crossed for maths
Posters on here always assumed there must SEN if kids dont get good grades at GCSE,some kids are just not academic the system doesnt work for them.7

I don’t think it’s true either.

I was the kind of kid at school who could get at least a B without any real revision, in most subjects. I achieved 14 GCSE’s and 4 A Levels. I’ve got a first class degree, a PGCE and a distinction at Masters level. I am, on paper, “book smart.” Academia has never been a challenge for me whatsoever.

Except Maths.

I scraped a C at GCSE, by the very skin of my teeth. When I was doing my Teaching Skills Tests, I used to make one of my friends ring me with random questions to try and improve my arithmetic speed. When I was still teaching, I could teach to secondary level across the curriculum, but only up to about Y4 in Maths.

You can have a reasonable level of academic intelligence and have a weakness in any subject area, including maths. Some people’s brains just aren’t wired for it.

We may all dream of our DC following our academic success or more but when reality hits this won't be the case you realise how it's not as important in the wider scheme of things.

I had visions of being able to teach DC extra and set hem up for exam success but once we knew they had learning difficulties the emphasis has become to just try their best and with the support of a specialist school the personal progress has been wonderful. Very much below the average but feelings of accomplishment with every little win.

The most important thing is they are happy, healthy and supported to find their own strengths and way in life. Xxx

Also felt this was a great reply.

I have fought my DS school since he begun. He started with a SEN learning plan which was never acknowledged, many SEN teachers came and went without any real effort to helping those that needed it. Unfortunately the school is run like a business and it’s only now, as he approaches his GCSEs that they’ve conceded that he scores very highly as dyslexic and has been referred for ADHD. His initial SEN plan stated “his needs would easily be dismissed”, because he’s not a naughty child and excels in sport, he had indeed been left to it. My DDs didn’t have the same struggles and went through the school easily.

I am unbelievably angry at how he’s been let down, the extra 121 sessions he has and the extra time and pupil passport etc are likely all too little too late. However, I am unbelievably proud of how he’s coped these years, being the youngest of 4, I know that he will find his way, put his passion into something he finds easier to navigate and will thrive when he is at college. He’s trying his best and that’s enough for us.

The whole school system needs looking at imo

I think some of the people who have posted replies that are critical of the OP should remember that it's natural to worry about one's children. Something not much mentioned here (but probably very much in the minds of those whose children aren't excelling) is that it's becoming much harder for a young person to start their own life due to simple competition for jobs. I'm not in the UK but where I live the rate of young adults not in employment, education or training is 14%. It's getting much harder for grads to enter various professions as AI is replacing juniors, meaning even basic jobs are hard to get. It's very dispiriting for a young person to face that and it suffocates their instinct to be independent. I think that's what needs looking at, rather than the schools. Neither of my children have excelled at school and both of them are facing unemployment.

We would train them up ourselves to get good grades. DH and I are both very academic. Our kids have done well. But if they struggle with something we sit with them and teach them till they get it.

They do not have any serious SEN/LD that would prevent them from achieving greatness.

Keep them as far away as possible from people with these attitudes.

OP, I feel your pain. I have one dd who is at uni, and another who has dropped out of school and isn't even sitting her GCSEs, let alone passing any. For her mocks she got straight Us.

I have long ago moved beyond caring about the judgments of my peers. I'm not ashamed of her or of me. But I am deeply anxious about how she will find her path to financial independence or a home of her own. We do not make it easy for non-academic kids, especially girls.

I don't think all intelligent people put value on school or academic learning as there are many other ways that people show intelligence.

I just want my children to be happy. My daughter is very intelligent however she cannot concentrate due to ADHD. When she is medicated she does very well but unmedicated she struggles. Unfortunately she decides each day whether she takes her medication or not!

Well I'd like to think that I'm reasonably intelligent and I earn precisely zero. Are you one of those people who thinks that someone's job and level of intelligence are always closely related? Because that's not a very intelligent thing to think is it?

There's a strong correlation though? A neurosurgeon tends to be quite bright.

Tbh non academic girls still have the option of marrying someone with a good job (I will put my tin hat on now in full expectation of a pile on but it's true). My daughter is 26 and works in a nursery. Most of her friends have pretty traditional relationships with higher earning boyfriends. It's much harder for the low earning lads.

My dyslexic daughter failed all of her GCSEs. She enjoyed the social aspect of school but was not academic. She took part in after school clubs and other activities outside of school and did try really hard to keep up with her work. She had a private tutor to help with her maths. She is a very intelligent young woman but just not academic.
She actually now at 23 years old earns a very good living as a brick layer which will only increase as she gains in experience and she has no university loans to pay back.
Its not the end of the world if they don’t do well in school.

A kids outcome in life is still mostly defined by their parents level of education and their professional achievements. What’s your background? Are you saying you are a brain surgeon and your child won’t reach those lofty heights? If they aren’t on target to pass maths and English, what has your role been in achieving this so far? You mention your revision styles and strategies differ, but ultimately your child has probably been behind for a long time to reach this point. When they arrive at secondary school, your child needs to have key stage 2 nailed so they can build on that from the off, otherwise they are behind before they’ve even kicked off.

What does a bricklayer actually earn? I see various figures online. But what's the actual truth about earnings for those starting out and how earnings grow?

In the same boat. Did GCSEs last year. But just to say that dc is now at a FE college and loving it. Doing a coursec they're interested in and coming home to tell us about it. Literally he's grown in stature and self belief. It's awesome to watch and this time last year I would not have believed it.
The GCSEs nearly broke us. We ended up revising with him but realising he'd taken nothing in so we were starting from scratch. We bought the revision books and I ripped them up and did file dividers etc in different folders. We used Seneca and sat next to him the whole time. It took 2-3 full days to go through each exam (45 mins work, 15 min break and repeat with 1hr for lunch) and 1 day of revision.
We took time off work and it was intense and we all cried and shouted and had moments we aren't proud of.
We also had cut out exams so were only doing 7 GCSEs. And his dad and I split them up by our own interests.
I will say the Eng Lit took up disproportionately large amounts of time and looking back I'd have not bothered with that one. And I'd have started now with the Eng Lang. There was an online tutor we used who'd mark things and was prepared to give advice about getting to 4 called Straightforwardly English. (Did lessons too but they didn't work for my dc)
Anyway, it was all encompassing for those months but when he walked out with 4s we were punching the air and celebrating.
The exam boards publish the exam dates well before school give you the dates so I'd used that to make a timetable.

I totally understand your position OP. ExDH and I were both academic serial over achievers … and I assumed our two DDs would be likewise. Nope 😂 I’ll be surprised if they manage one GCSE between them. They were both diagnosed with ASD as teens. I chose to home educate as the pressure that was put upon them at school was having a really detrimental affect on their self esteem. I realise I was in a very fortunate position to be able to do that. My eldest DD is the most empathetic, insightful seventeen year old I could imagine and hopes to become a psychotherapist - she also has a passion for food and is a ‘super taster’. My younger DD is an amazingly talented artist - she’s already had a lead role in a film, she’s won two national game design competitions and is a fantastic writer. All this would have been disregarded in school 🙁 and they’d have been in the lowest sets for everything. Sir Ken Robinson (RIP) did the most watched Ted talk ever - Changing Educational Paradigms. I’d recommend you watch it and maybe read his book ‘Finding
Your Element’. Academic achievement is a very small measure of success 🤷🏼‍♀️

Look into online tuition like learning laugh play or 2 pound tuition hub.

Not as good as a 1:1 tutor , but a lot cheaper and removes some parent child conflict.

The 1960s called. They want their attitudes back.

There's other people who can be highly intelligent but do " lower ranking" jobs due to circumstances. And intelligence and education are two different things. The care leaver with a 150plus IQ is unlikely to have the s enerio to do higher education for example but they are still intelligent. Same as those who care for family members so can't do the " big career"

Need opportunity as well as intelligence

I'm not suggesting it as a strategy to bag a man - I'm just making the point that the girls my daughter works with have partners who have decent jobs (recruitment consultant, electrician, plumber, chef) whereas the young men i know in low paid jobs don't have well paid girlfriends.

Which is why we should support them to achieve their full potential?