To have a baby with a man i dont love

[ComeAtMe]

I have 1 kid with my husband. I don't love my husband anymore. It used to be pretty awful, he was horrible to me, but now we have settled into housemate life. He is a good dad but he is sexist and uncaring. I do it all and I used to that now.

I know i want to leave and I will. But is it horrible of me to have a baby before I do?

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

Pls explain why its a terrible idea. I am perfectly capable of looking after a new child and loving them, with or without my husband.

All kids would rather be alive than not? So why not have twenty with him. Your eggs aren't sentient beings waiting for the lifespark of his magical sperm! There is no baby that would otherwise be dead if you don't do this.

He's sexist and lazy. That isn't good Dad material.

Leave, raise you kid and IF you meet a DECENT man then think about having another child

Are yo u really OK with having obligatory sex a few times a month every month in the hope of getting pregnant, possibly for years?

Literally "dude I'm ovulating, go have a wabk to clear it the old sperm and then you get sex twice to see if you can Impregnante me" whisky you lie back and think of Jason Mamoa?

Unlikely if he has no interest in taking care of the first child

Don't most people who have kids do it because of what THEY want?

Doesn’t change what I said. Others have suggested she leave him and do IVF. What’s the difference?

Lots of women solo parent - why is it an issue now?

There are known issues affecting children of anonymous sperm donors. It's not just about the mother's wants.

Children can thrive in single parent households and of course being raised by a single parent is better than being raised in an unhappy, unloving marriage or in situations where there is high conflict or abuse.

But most of these issues happen after a person has had kids with their partner. The OP clearly states her husband is sexist and uncaring and yet still choosing to have a baby with someone with those attributes. The baby will still have a relationship with the father, they'll still be witness to these qualities with their father and grow up with them. Divorce and being split between two households impacts children even when it is for the best.

There are also multiple stories online and even on this forum alone from people who are donor concieved. About the impact it has on them not knowing who their biological father is. Or being cut off from one side of their biological connections. Or wondering how many siblings they have.

Yet all this gets forgotten about because it seems to many people that the mums desire for more children comes above all else regardless of the consequences for the children.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/3718785-I-am-the-child-of-a-sperm-donor-AMA

And all this "do IVF" comments. IVF costs thousands of pounds and comes a great emotional cost to a person. The success rate drops as you get older and given that the OP has a child, she'll need to do this privately. And what if the first, or 2nd round fails. She could be potentially spending tens of thousands of pounds on something that doesn't even work. Money that could be used for her existing child.

If she doesn’t have fertility problems it’s unlikely to cost thousands and thousands and come a great emotional cost. She should get pregnant fairly quickly, as the success rate is much higher than trying naturally or doing IUI. Every lesbian couple I know that used IVF to have kids (and who didn’t have any fertility issues) got pregnant first time and most were mid-late 30s. How old are you @ComeAtMe ?

The law in the UK now means donors have to be non-anonymous. The child is entitled to all their personal information when they are 18, and they can meet if that’s something they want to do. There is also a law in the UK (if you do things by the book or at a clinic) that means one donor cannot create more than 10 families. Parents can find their kids’ half-siblings on the donor sibling network. My best friend has a lovely family with two mums & two donor-conceived kids. The kids have 5 half-siblings in various European countries and they’ve been in contact since the kids were babies. They have a big meet up every year at one of their houses and all the kids have a great time. The Half-siblings are a really positive thing in their lives. It’s annoying when other people judge and preach about the ways in which other people choose to have kids, as though their way is the only “correct” way to do it. Mum, dad, 2.4 children. It’s getting old.

She already has a child with him
though. This is a quicker, easier and cheaper sperm donor.

Also if he is a shit dad now when they are together I doubt her child will have that much in contact with him.

I think if she does not do it she will always regret missing another chance for a child.

Anonymous sperm donors are not a thing anymore and every single parent who has a child does so to fulfil their own wants.

Again, so this women's desire to have a child overrides what is in fact best for a child. I honestly can't believe what I'm reading that it's somehow OK to have a child, even though they'll have a shit dad.

I must live in some alternate universe because when I had children I made sure that that they had two, loving parents who were involved in their care. I can't believe anyone would think that having a shit father who then in turns out to be absent from their child is of somehow a benefit to a child.

People will come for you but imo its better for the kids to have the same shite dad, so, as long as he isn’t abusive etc, I would

îd use a donor otherwise

Why are you saying this like it’s unique. Every parent has a child because they want them.

Also why are you saying that what is best for the child won’t be being raised by an adoring single parent with a loving sibling. You have a very narrow view of what a good family looks like.

Better to have all her kids with one shite dad to deal with as opposed to multiple dads to deal with.

Having read all info If you both agree and situation re divorce is clear up front then fine.

I would run a mile if faced with that situation though.

Your other option to not tell him is plain manipulative and very likely to result in a combative break up , with all impact on children that entails.

There is no 2nd kid.

Saying ’it’s better for the other children to have same shit dad’ is just justifying the choice - it’s not an actual reason to have another.

I cant get over just using another person as a sperm bank without even asking them

Why did you have kids? Have you cultivated their brains from toddler-hood to be Oxbridge grads at 12 in the hope they might one day cure cancer or perhaps solve world hunger? In which case, ok. You truly are a selfless parent. But I don’t think that’s the case is it? You had kids because you’re a woman with a biological urge to reproduce. Just like the OP is. You just happen to (quite arrogantly) assume your circumstances were better. Being a good parent is highly subjective. I’m sure you and your hubby think you’re great parents and feel really smug about having children in what YOU believe is an ideal family, but your kids and other people may not think you’re good parents. People have different values and ideas about what makes a good upbringing for a child. My parents thought they were good parents, to outsiders they looked like ideal parents - a man and a woman, married, no DV, no addiction etc, loving, firm boundaries. But those firm boundaries meant my dad was very strict, I was smacked often, criticised all the time by him, all because he was “loving and had high expectations” of me. He and everyone else he knows still think he was a great parent. I, on the other hand have lifelong problems with low self-esteem because of him. Hands down I’d rather have been raised solely by my mum, who was kind, understanding and loved me without conditions. I’m sure I would have turned out far better. A child needs love and support (emotional & financial). That is all. It doesn’t matter whether they get that from a mum and a dad, just a mum, just a dad, two mums, two dads, a grandparent. It. Does. Not. Matter. All that matters is they get it.

But what's the point when she can just have a shag for free? Whether it be her husband or some random guy from Tinder

You had no guarantee things would stay that way though did you. No guarantee your lr living husband wouldn't run off, become an alcoholic etc

Cos then it will have another (likely shite) parent. As I said in a PP, that could involve v. expensive court costs, the man potentially being tied to her forever, maybe even losing custody, fighting and drama. Much easier if she does it alone with no dad in the picture.

I definitely don’t agree she should use him for his sperm without telling him. That is so incredibly fucked up

What if she does? Regret is part of the human condition. And at least she won’t have inflicted a shitty father on another child.

Women can still get sperm from abroad from countries which allow anonymous sperm donation.

Remember children learn how to be men and women and how to do relationships from their parents. Do you want your sons to behave like their father or your dds to accept being treated like that?

This in abundance