Page 4 | To have a baby with a man i dont love

Original poster

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 22:17

Haveyouanyjam · 01/02/2026 21:45

I think the way you’ve phrased your OP is half the problem here. Of course some children would rather not have been born many children have awful childhoods, just being ‘alive’ is hardly good enough.

You are coming across quite emotionally bereft. But maybe it’s because that’s how you now are in your relationship rather than you overall.

If you genuinely believe you can give your children everything they need and that when separated, your DH will be a loving part-time father, then I get it. However, you seem to be saying he’s sexist and doesn’t do anything, so it hardly seems like he’s going to be an affable gent and a loving father if you leave him.

This has made me think a lot. Maybe I'm just trying to find someone else or something else to love! I just want a big happy family and feel ive tried so hard and done everything "right" and feel my H has ruined so much....and I can do everything by myself anyway and I am a good mum. I have my own money, home, support network, i do all kids stuff and work every hour, im patient, affectionate,

Anyway...thanks to everyone who didny just shout at me. And thanks to those people who shouted too. Im glad this website is anonymous 😅

OP posts:

Leafonastick · 01/02/2026 23:19

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 21:04

People on here on the divorce threads always says how kids can cope really well and are happy as long as parents civil and co parent well etc. But when I suggest having a kid in knowledge that I will divorce in future, acting like my kids will be born into a crack den.

If you wanted people to validate your choice, then why mention that your husband is sexist and uncaring? Nobody is going to suggest reproducing again with such a person.

Regardless of whether he is that, or a ‘good dad’ who treats you well, he needs to have a say in whether he has another child. We can’t say go ahead, it’s not right to use another persons body like that without their consent, even if it’s a male being used.

If you lay it all out, including that you want to separate, and he agrees then whatever. Nobody can stop you anyway

FrozenFebruary · 01/02/2026 23:48

i just caught up with all your posts. If he's in agreement then I don't see why not.

notatinydancer · 02/02/2026 00:13

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 19:42

Im too old to leave and find someone else. H would love a baby in terms of being affectionate and loving, but he would do bugger all to help whether we are together or not. But im at peace with that. I want more kids. I dream of being a single mum with 3 kids!

You dream of being a single mum with three kids ? Grow up. You sound ridiculous.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/02/2026 00:18

Leafonastick · 01/02/2026 20:50

So would this plan involve asking the (sexiest and uncaring) man to have a baby jointly, or would you just be getting pregnant? Or would you tell him you’ve stopped birth control? Or just do it without informing him?

If you’re ’too old to find someone else’ then pregnancy may not happen anyway. You need to make your peace with having one child. If you wanted to be a single mum of 3, you should have gone down the donor route, unfortunately. You don’t want to be more tied to a man you don’t love and who is sexist.

Of course, if he actually wants a second, then you perhaps can seriously consider this, but otherwise it’s a terrible idea.

Edited

I disagree with you that she should use a sperm donee because then her siblings are split and the little one might be jealous about not having a dad

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/02/2026 00:30

Op remember you also have the option of adopting children too, if you leave him, your lovely mum skills could be put to incredible good use (without any risk to your health or body) by giving needy kids a wonderful childhood

namechangetheworld · 02/02/2026 00:50

Unpopular but I would do it in your shoes OP. I think a lot more women drag out dead relationships in order to have more children than people admit. You can split and co-parent one child, or you can split and co-parent two, and two would clearly make you far happier. As long as he's onboard and enjoys being a parent it makes very little difference.

Snappyg666 · 02/02/2026 00:58

People do this all the time. People marry guys they dont rven like so they can tick the boxes

BooneyBeautiful · 02/02/2026 04:34

Bonkers1966 · 01/02/2026 19:45

I was in a similar situation in my twenties. I decided to stick to the one child I had and got rid of the partner as soon as. To this day I regret not having a second child.

Interesting. I am an only child and was determined to have two children, and I didn't want them to have different fathers. I had the two and then separated from H (their father) when the youngest was nearly four. I don't regret that decision, but I do regret staying with him for as long as I did.

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/02/2026 04:44

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:51

Oh we would make the decision together. We both love being parents. We just dont love each other.

Show quote history

Let’s be honest- he doesn’t love being a parent, he loves having kids with you to parent them.

99bottlesofkombucha · 02/02/2026 04:45

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/02/2026 00:30

Op remember you also have the option of adopting children too, if you leave him, your lovely mum skills could be put to incredible good use (without any risk to your health or body) by giving needy kids a wonderful childhood

It’s probably quite a tricky process to adopt as a single mum, by the time the op worked through it it would be years and then they’d say you’re too old sorry, erase her data and move on.

ShawnaMacallister · 02/02/2026 04:49

Bonkers1966 · 01/02/2026 19:45

I was in a similar situation in my twenties. I decided to stick to the one child I had and got rid of the partner as soon as. To this day I regret not having a second child.

I was also in a similar situation and I am eternally grateful I didn't ruin my life by making myself a single parent of two young kids instead of one. As it was I gave my one a great upbringing and kept my career and sanity. None of those would have been the likely outcome if I had engineered another (can't say it didn't cross my mind at the time)

Pentalagon · 02/02/2026 05:17

Would you consider couples counselling @ComeAtMe ?

It’s sounds like you’ve replicated your own dp’s loveless marriage. Maybe there is something to work through ?

For what it’s worth, our babies were like bombs going off in our relationship. Twenty years later we’re a solid partnership but those baby years were tough.

Howmanytimes78 · 02/02/2026 05:21

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 20:48

Just to clarify I earn a v good wage and own my home outright. I know divorce is costly but I've worked it all out and I will be 100% fine even if I pay my ex spousal. I understand about H not being ideal. But hes loving, attentive, just a shitty husband. I dont want to stay but I know i cpuld give a 2nd child a very nice life. V loving grandparents, a wonderful part time nanny, a great school and im a v committed mum. Yes, their dad isnt perfect and we'd be split up but the baby/child would have stability and love. My ex isn't a nasty man. Just some shitty attitudes to me as his wife. Sexism started coming out when I started earning a lot more than him. I still dont fully understand why its selfish. I mean I knew I would get this response but plenty of children are born into couples that divorce . I jsut am in full knowledge of that fact.

I think you run the risk of sexism emerging again very strongly when you decide to leave him. Or when you are pregnant for the second time.

And he isn’t a good parent of he is sexist and uncaring in his dealings with you op because of how that manifests itself.

Also, children model their own relationships on how their parents interact.

Plus if your second baby is a son then you risk having a child who identifies very strongly with the same sex parent and ends up absorbing his father’s values.

And a dd could suffer sexism
herself once she becomes an adolescent.

I know you are dealing with all of the above when you have one child anyway, but you could be so much freer if you stick to one and in doing so you reduce the number of times that you have to interact with this man.

You say you are too young to start again with another man but you never know how life turns out. You might have step children enter your life.

And horrible though your dh sounds, I guess morally I couldn’t have sex with a man in order to get pregnant, knowing I was going to leave him. It would feel cynical and dishonest. And I wouldn’t want a child of mine conceived with those values.

I suppose I don’t think that children are a right they are a blessing, and even though you want a second for the best of reasons and for your existing child as well as you, I think it is better to try and run with life’s punches rather than try and engineer a different reality.

Summerflowers4 · 02/02/2026 05:29

Have you tried relate for counselling..it's doesn't sound all bad with your DH ..if it was horrendous you would be long gone by now .
If it was horrendous you wouldn't be willingly considering sex and willingly considering a baby with a horrendous man.
So I think you need to talk to your DH and work out how to make this marriage work .

Summerflowers4 · 02/02/2026 05:34

I've had periods in 35 years with my DH ,where I seriously considered leaving him .
We have had some truly awful times ..but having come from divorced parents it made me not want that for my DC ..
And I'm glad we didn't divorce..now the DC are much older ,some are adults some late teens ,it's so much easier and less pressured and we are more relaxed.we get on better ,we both want the best for our children.id hate to be in a relationship with a step parent resenting every penny I spend on my DC .

Howmanytimes78 · 02/02/2026 05:36

* I meant to say too old, not too young, in my previous post!

Wordsmithery · 02/02/2026 06:32

You're thinking of you not the child. Don't do it.

Blushingm · 02/02/2026 06:41

Why would you trap your DH by having a 2nd child and then taking that child away?

jeaux90 · 02/02/2026 06:46

In theory it’s ok. I’m a lone parent is DD16 so I will say this. One is way more manageable.
six figure income so could afford a nanny early years then good private school. But you need to consider the risks here of what having a second child brings for example if they have profound needs. Honestly I would get out now and give your DC a great life.

Leafonastick · 02/02/2026 09:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/02/2026 00:18

I disagree with you that she should use a sperm donee because then her siblings are split and the little one might be jealous about not having a dad

Show quote history

to clarify- I meant going down the donor route before getting with this guy. Doesn’t make sense to do that but then claim your dream is to be a single mum

Iamsotiredandfedup · 02/02/2026 09:31

God this thread is depressing

I will never understand women who have children with men that they know to be shit dads. “He sees his kids EOW and we’ve recently had a baby”, “one more doesn’t really make a difference”

I had a baby with someone that turned out to be utterly useless. I left him by the time my daughter turned 2. He continued to be a dog shit dad and went on to have 2 more, daughter is now NC with him. I’m sorry but I just think it’s the height of selfishness to subject another baby to a shit parent, how can you be a good mum when this is your starting point?

FrostyFlo · 02/02/2026 09:34

@ComeAtMe

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

How can a kid ( your words) would rather be alive than not ?
You don't having thinking children in your fallopian tubes , you have secondary oocyte/ovum .

I wonder how old you are and have you really thought through single parenthood and everything that brings .

Pricelessadvice · 02/02/2026 09:36

ComeAtMe · 01/02/2026 19:32

I have 1 kid with my husband. I don't love my husband anymore. It used to be pretty awful, he was horrible to me, but now we have settled into housemate life. He is a good dad but he is sexist and uncaring. I do it all and I used to that now.

I know i want to leave and I will. But is it horrible of me to have a baby before I do?

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

Pls explain why its a terrible idea. I am perfectly capable of looking after a new child and loving them, with or without my husband.

There really should be some law about who can procreate.

”Surely all kids would rather be alive than not”
Jesus.

SergeantWrinkles · 02/02/2026 09:37

I’m a single mum with three kids. It’s not a life I’d choose. I left my husband for similar reasons to you but I already had 3 kids at that point. So no, I wouldn’t go out of my way to make life difficult for myself or my children. And honestly, who ‘dreams’ of being a single mum of three children? That’s bizarre!