To have a baby with a man i dont love

[ComeAtMe]

I have 1 kid with my husband. I don't love my husband anymore. It used to be pretty awful, he was horrible to me, but now we have settled into housemate life. He is a good dad but he is sexist and uncaring. I do it all and I used to that now.

I know i want to leave and I will. But is it horrible of me to have a baby before I do?

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

Pls explain why its a terrible idea. I am perfectly capable of looking after a new child and loving them, with or without my husband.

OP, if you are financially strong without support, then I think you should.
I would get good legal advice.
I would start squirreling away money in a deliberate way, perhaps putting into a family members account.
I would separate finances and pay your share into joint account.
You are in an abusive relationship and you need to protect yourself.
Shore up money for a mat leave.
Buy prepaid cards as a way to have extra money.
Talk to family and friends.
Long term it might be worth reducing your hours dramatically to divorce him without paying for him.

Spousel payment is an awful idea to a man who is nasty to you because of your success.
Avoid it if you can.

I would put all your energy and love into the child you already have and focus on splitting from your husband and co-parenting in an amicable way. If you figure that out and still feel something is missing, then there are plenty of other ways you can be an influential figure in a young person's life. Volunteering to help kids with reading, or helping out at a youth club etc, it doesn't necessarily need to be as extreme or permanent as creating another life or adopting.

I don't think it's correct that every child would prefer to be born rather then not. I've certainly never felt this way and remember even as a very young child thinking I would much rather my parents had never had me.

It also would not necessarily be in the best interests of her existing children.

Whether morally ok or not i probably would in your shoes.
Much better idea than doing it yourself with a sperm donor - that means your baby never knowing their Dad, having a baby with your husband means your baby gets a loving father and a full sibling

I think that using a man you don't love as a sperm donor in a miserable relationship just because you fancy having another baby to cheer yourself up is about as selfish as it gets.

This. You don't necessarily need IVF just donated sperm.

It's a terrible idea because it ties you to a sexist, uncaring man you don't love for at least 18 years. If you would like another child, foster, adopt or go down the IVF route once you're divorced and have a stable home to bring another child up in.

Well, he needs to consent at the very least

I’m surprised 21% think YANBU. I guess that’s the ‘have a baby at any cost’ crowd.

I wouldn't do it, personally.
In very different circumstances to the OP, I had to make a decision to limit my family size to one child. It's not easy BUT at the end of the day, the imperative to act with integrity, transparency and consideration for my existing family members totally overrides my need for a second baby, thoughts of "who will be around the table at Christmas in 20 years time" and wanting to experience those newborn snuggles again. Maybe I'm just wired different, I dunno 🤷‍♀️ there clearly do seem to be folks on here with a baby at all costs mentality and I just really struggle to understand it.
Also serious question for the OP - are you sure you are ok to go through with the emotional and physical vulnerability of late pregnancy, birth and postpartum with a husband you don't love or even like very much? From my side, I had quite a rough recovery from birth and just don't think I'd intentionally choose to go through that experience in a situation where I already knew there was an emotional disconnect with my spouse AND sexist attitudes at play.

Is it that strange? Up until really quite recently love was not a core factor in a marriage for most women… they got married to someone suitable, arranged by their parents and they had babies with that man. Even today many many women are making pragmatic decisions such as ‘I don’t love this selfish toad with bad breath one bit but we have 3 dc , a part time job to fit in with parenting and he would never share parenting effectively, so I’ll stay at least until the dc are all 18.’

She pretty much already is for 14 years though.

when he takes he/she EOW. But it is VERY rarely that easy. Not best for the child though cos you’re knowingly bringing he/she into a separated family which is extremely selfish

@Fancycrab it's him/her you numpty.

I’ve found the love I have for my child eclipses the love I have for my partner. My partner became abusive after our child was born. He has settled down a lot but his behaviour is still awful.

I do everything for my child - but my partner provides financially. If I were a single mother I would hardly see my child as I would have to work. I would also have to split custody time and I don’t think my child would be safe.

I think you need to consider what type of financial contributions your husband will make in future. If he can’t financially provide then just end it now. You would also need to consider that you will have less time with your children.

If he’s sexist and you have a daughter is he good enough to raise her?

As an only child with a broken family I always wished for a sibling so that I could just be a child and have some fun. Only children are often treated as adults. In your shoes I would have one more, but just one.

This is complex; a lot to consider.
Is there anything, a course, counselling etc, that could bring back the old lovable DH?
Ask him to reinvent himself when you have the new baby.
His parents are sweet, you say, why is he behaving like a dick?
Could he never improve, be proud of your achievements and be there as a loving husband and father to two children?

If he is a kind and good father, why would you want to plan to separate him from your kids?
Your personality might not be exactly as patient as it is now, once you are the only parent in the home. Your husband's parenting presence might be a positive factor that you are over looking.

I haven’t rtft but I probably would. You’re already tied to this man long term because of your existing child, who will value a sibling. But you should also definitely leave him and not expose both kids to this dysfunctional relationship and sexist man.

I have a friend who did something similar - accidental pregnancy with a bf who was not serious. Had the baby, split up with bf. Wanted a sibling for the baby so effectively persuaded ex-bf to be a “natural” sperm donor for dc2 2 years later. She brought both kids up alone and everyone very happy. Kids see their dad occasionally and have a relationship with him.

But why prolong it? Not only will she have to coparent for longer, she'll have to stay in the marriage long enough to get pregnant, carry the pregnancy to term and give birth, recover from birth (with a partner who doesn't help) and set up a new home, childcare arrangements etc.

She already has a child and is already going to be a single mother. What’s one more? If she left and used a sperm donor IVF it would be the same situation.

What's one more? It's a human being, not a biscuit.

Honestly OP you sound very immature. Children don't get a choice in the matter whether they are born or not, so this idea that they should be grateful or thankful to you for their existence is ludicrous. They don't owe you anything and it's a ridiculous way to try and justify bringing them into an unloving and unhappy marriage.

It's completely naive to think they wouldn't be impacted in some way by either being brought up in an unhappy marriage or being split between two parents. Yes you want a big family but sadly we don't always get what we want in life and childen shouldn't have to pay the price for this.

As for being a single mum of 3, I imagine you'd find the reality of this a very different experience from what you dream of. Ask any single mum of 3 and most would say it isn't a situation they would have actively chose. How on earth would you be able to meet 3 individual's needs on your own with no back up?

Seem to be a few of those on Mumsnet. They seem to think having a baby is always a good idea however unfavourable the potential mother’s circumstances.

oh yes and that would be just lovely for the child wouldn't it?

Go for it hun.....

I don't know if I am suprised, you see it all the time on here. It seems a women's desire and need for another baby comes above all else, even above the needs of her existing children or future children. There was just a thread last about a mum who had fallen pregnant and already had four children and was in am abusive relationship. People were almost unanimous in saying for her to keep the baby and dump the husband. Some even suggesting that her teenage children would help out. Because that's what is in the best interests of the baby and her other children, being a single mum to 5 children and teenagers who should be sitting their exams or seeing their friends, having this disrupted by a newborn baby.

And I never get the posters who are just so blase about just having IVF with a sperm donor. If the OP already has a child, then she's going to have shell out thousands for IVF, which comes with all sorts of side effects when she has another child to look after. There's also never any acknowledgement by these posters either on the people who are born by donor egg/sperm. It can cause all sorts of mental health issues for people who have no biological connection or knowledge of half of their dna.