To have a baby with a man i dont love

[ComeAtMe]

I have 1 kid with my husband. I don't love my husband anymore. It used to be pretty awful, he was horrible to me, but now we have settled into housemate life. He is a good dad but he is sexist and uncaring. I do it all and I used to that now.

I know i want to leave and I will. But is it horrible of me to have a baby before I do?

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

Pls explain why its a terrible idea. I am perfectly capable of looking after a new child and loving them, with or without my husband.

You have no idea the ramifications and ripples that separation and the complete lack of control you have over the other side. Think of who your ex might meet (gf), then her extended family, etc etc. It’s so hard. Why would you knowingly do that to a child? You’re being naive, please don’t do this to another child.

Just do it. You don't know what the future holds and how things will play out but if you want another child just do it then deal with things best you can.

My friend did this.

It was not that she stopped loving him but she refused to live with his disrespect (once first child arrived her refused to contribute to the household as he previously did and did almost zero childcare).

I don’t see the issue with wanting all your children for the same man and not wanting to deal with two sets of fathers.

She had the second and 8 months later they separated.

I don’t see the issue 🤷🏽‍♀️. In for a penny in for a pound as they say.

Have you considered IVF with donor sperm as an alternative?

batshitest thing I have ever seem on MN that wasn't intended to be funny.

What happens if your baby is born with additional needs and you can no longer afford to leave? Don’t have a baby with someone who isn’t a good partner in life. You don’t have to have a conventional relationship, but you do need to have a healthy relationship.

you have a child. You don’t need more children. Your life can be perfectly rich and fulfilled without more babies.

Are you even having sex?

As long as you are prepared to do most, if not all of the child rearing. Which it sounds like you are, then I say go for it. There's no guarantee you will meet someone else to have another child with. This may be your last chance for another baby. You might regret it if you don't go for it.

And let's be honest, you wouldn't be the first person to do this. I don't know why so many posters are clutching their pearls. We all know couples who kept having children long after they should have broken up.

We're clutching our pearls because these are children that are being harmed by their parent's crappy decisions.

The pretence that it will 'all work out' or 'you'll manage' - it doesn't work out and people often don't manage - and all the time the children suffer because of the selfish wants of adults.

Be responsible.

It’s already going to happen to her child

If you want a second child I‘d absolutely go for it. Bide your time and put money aside to help you when you do leave but I don’t think your plan is reprehensible.

Does that make it ok for this to happen to another child? To have a shitty Dad? Do you know any of the psychological implications of having a crap dad? If you do, why wouldn’t you care?

You’re only thinking of yourself and what you want. Not the child.

It is not a difficult one. It is massively selfish and unreasonable.

The OP basically wants to get a baby then force the STBXH to support it when she leaves.

This is very fucked up

You can't see why a second child wih a sexist man would be a bad idea? If the children were the opposite sex there could be a lot of favouritism which would damage both boy and girl.
You have no idea what your DH will be like when you leave. He could make your life hell or just disappear with another woman, both of which would be harmful for a child. Yes, you already have 1 who will be harmed but why have another put through that?

Does DH want a new baby? That's the deciding factor!

Children should be created in love. This is such a bad idea.

Do you and your DH still have sex? I do see where you are coming from but I would struggle to do this if I didn’t even like the person.

Utterly bonkers, mad, selfish, screwed up etc! 🤷
Get rid of the shitty husband and give your kid a good and happy life. Be a shining example of how to be a good human. Don't bring another child into a confused and fucked up situation.

Just to clarify I earn a v good wage and own my home outright. I know divorce is costly but I've worked it all out and I will be 100% fine even if I pay my ex spousal. I understand about H not being ideal. But hes loving, attentive, just a shitty husband. I dont want to stay but I know i cpuld give a 2nd child a very nice life. V loving grandparents, a wonderful part time nanny, a great school and im a v committed mum. Yes, their dad isnt perfect and we'd be split up but the baby/child would have stability and love. My ex isn't a nasty man. Just some shitty attitudes to me as his wife. Sexism started coming out when I started earning a lot more than him. I still dont fully understand why its selfish. I mean I knew I would get this response but plenty of children are born into couples that divorce . I jsut am in full knowledge of that fact.

I would be paying to spousal support to him if anything

V interesting to see so many PP presume I am the stay at home/in need of cash. The opposite is true.

So would this plan involve asking the (sexiest and uncaring) man to have a baby jointly, or would you just be getting pregnant? Or would you tell him you’ve stopped birth control? Or just do it without informing him?

If you’re ’too old to find someone else’ then pregnancy may not happen anyway. You need to make your peace with having one child. If you wanted to be a single mum of 3, you should have gone down the donor route, unfortunately. You don’t want to be more tied to a man you don’t love and who is sexist.

Of course, if he actually wants a second, then you perhaps can seriously consider this, but otherwise it’s a terrible idea.

Hmm that's what I think will happen. Im sorry you have that regret. I can see what you stuck at one. Maybe everyone is right. And im being insane.

Would your husband consent to sex, and making a baby, if he knew you planned to leave him? If the answer is no, as I very much suspect it is, then yes of course YABU.

Oh we would make the decision together. We both love being parents. We just dont love each other.