To have a baby with a man i dont love

[ComeAtMe]

I have 1 kid with my husband. I don't love my husband anymore. It used to be pretty awful, he was horrible to me, but now we have settled into housemate life. He is a good dad but he is sexist and uncaring. I do it all and I used to that now.

I know i want to leave and I will. But is it horrible of me to have a baby before I do?

I know everyone will say how selfish to the baby to bring a child into an unloving marriage, but the baby will be v loved, looked after and surely all kids would rather be alive than not?

Pls explain why its a terrible idea. I am perfectly capable of looking after a new child and loving them, with or without my husband.

'surely all kids would rather be alive than not'

What bizarre thinking - maybe no more kids?

Ok. You'll have to explain this to me like im really stupid. Maybe I am. But im not in any other area of my life. Pls explain.

I was born into a home of parents who didnt love one another. And im pleased they had me! Of course I am! I mean my preference would be loving parents but im grateful they both loved me, just were just a shitty couple

Have you factored in that your DH might want 50/50 contact if you separate ? Would you be happy with that ?

You've chosen a bad man and live in an abusive home, one child already has a bad life inflicted by you that you cannot or will not leave the marriage and now you want to add more children to suffer are you actually fucking ok?

I know two people that have have deliberately had a second child having already made the decision that they were leaving her their partners.

I always thought it was pretty calculated and deceitful. I couldn't do it, but it worked out fine for both of them.

People on here on the divorce threads always says how kids can cope really well and are happy as long as parents civil and co parent well etc. But when I suggest having a kid in knowledge that I will divorce in future, acting like my kids will be born into a crack den.

Bad advice all around.
What about the financial, emotional and practical responsibilities that come with having a child.
Parenting is very hard and children need best chance possible

If you’d said I don’t love him but we get along just fine, he’s a nice guy, treats me well, and I’m genuinely fond of him, and I’m staying with him, I’d have said do it. But you said he’s sexist and uncaring, so it would be mad to proceed.

To do it in the full knowledge you’ll shortly be leaving is, quite honestly, really underhand
and deceitful, and doing the child a disservice.

If he’s sexist and uncaring then he’s not a good dad is he? They aren’t the qualities of a good parent.

I’m not 100% sure what you mean but if it’s that you both agree to have another kid together before you split up then that might be ok. Anything that involves you having sex with your husband and getting pregnant by him without him knowing you want to split up with him and without him knowing you don’t like him are very wrong.

Imagine the answers on here if a man said he was going to pretend that he loved someone so that he could have sex with them.

Insane. You don't like him. Why would you knowingly give your child a man you don't like as a father?

I think if you can do it then why not. You get another baby, child gets a sibling and you have to coparent with this guy anyway so it’s better than throwing another baby dad into the mix. I’d go for it in your shoes. I’m actually jealous as I’m nearly 40 and would love another child but single and not really dating so accepting and grieving that it may not happen

It’s the other child’s father. Much better for the kids to go together every other weekend than be separated

Honestly, in your position, I would, yes

'surely all kids would rather be alive than not'.

No. I would certainly prefer never to have existed.

Having a kid with a nasty sexist isn't fair on the child. A girl...will be emotionally abused by him, probably around when when she hits puberty. That will affect her future relationships. A boy...might turn out like him.

@ComeAtMe bargain IVF 😠

Yes, but hopefully she actually thought she liked him when she conceived that child. Now she's decided she doesn't.

I did the opposite and it ruined my life.

Yes, the sexism came out when my career took off. We were v much in love at one point. We had a period of intense arguments but now settled into housemates. Im not explaining it v well. Hes not a monster or anything.

I am listening to PP. Maybe im just struggling to accept I will only have one. I just have everything else in place. And a lot of love and patience.

Jesus Christ

I think the way you’ve phrased your OP is half the problem here. Of course some children would rather not have been born many children have awful childhoods, just being ‘alive’ is hardly good enough.

You are coming across quite emotionally bereft. But maybe it’s because that’s how you now are in your relationship rather than you overall.

If you genuinely believe you can give your children everything they need and that when separated, your DH will be a loving part-time father, then I get it. However, you seem to be saying he’s sexist and doesn’t do anything, so it hardly seems like he’s going to be an affable gent and a loving father if you leave him.

So, your preference would be to have had parents who loved each other, but you’re still willing to inflict a loveless family on the child you already have AND a newly-planned baby, to satisfy your ‘dream’ of being a single parent?

I think your thinking on this thread is very clear evidence of why inflicting a repeat of your own childhood on your child(ren) is very much not a good idea.

Edited for a rogue comma

I think its really selfish

This is why we have messed up children

Leave him, be single and get a dog.

If you dream of being a single mother that’s not going to happen if you have a baby with him then leave. You’ll be forever tied to him, you leaving/child custody arrangements will probably trigger him being horrible to you again, you may have to go through very expensive, emotionally damaging family court proceedings, he could even end up getting custody. It won’t just be your child. At “best” he’ll be an easygoing co-parent who lets the kid live with you and gives you a nice break when he takes he/she EOW. But it is VERY rarely that easy. Not best for the child though cos you’re knowingly bringing he/she into a separated family which is extremely selfish IMO. If what you meant was you’re happy to stay with him and live as a family for the sake of the kids and you get along fine, I don’t see anything wrong with that from the child’s perspective, but you will end up miserable. Kids grow up fast and don’t need you anymore then you’ll be left with him. If you want to be a single parent why not leave him and have a baby on your own via sperm donation? Harder yes, but waaay less drama in the long-run. Obviously this would take a lot of consideration because it may cause issues between your existing kid and the new one but if it’s a choice between that and having a child with someone you plan to leave I know what I’d choose. Oh and not to mention it’s extremely cruel and devious to do that to your partner, unless you’re upfront about it before getting pregnant