SS destroyed his room last night

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dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

Well he didn't destroy his room did he? He smashed some Lego and ripped up a poster.
Big deal.
The point is you think he was on drugs, that's your starting point.
What are your house rules?
Time to think about them, talk to your partner, then together tell him what they are- out of bed every morning at 11 at latest, no drugs, do your own laundry, clean up after yourself, walk the dog, everyone must contribute so if you're not in education you must be in work and if it's only for a few days fine you don't have to contribute money but you have to help in the garden or whatever, etc etc etc, whatever is the case for your house.

Where do you think he should go? If he’s kicked out of another house his behaviour will only worsen and who knows where he’ll end up.

I agree to lay out some ground rules. If he’s not in education he needs to be in work. Appropriate chores. He needs some stability and boundaries

So a child who has been abandoned by his mother at a very difficult age - a child who is screaming for security - you have a chance to help this child but it’s a small one because it sounds like his mother totally failed him

I think this kid needs a stable loving home . His mother has been a useless parent and he’s dragged himself up . Set some rules and boundaries and start being a normal functioning family . If not he’ll be lost forever .

This. It certainly won’t be easy but your partner owes it to his son to try. He didn’t wreck his room at all, he smashed up some Lego, hardly the end of the world.

Poor poor lad he has never had proper stability and now sounds like he may be running with the wrong crowd..you two sound lovely and I think with time, patience,rules, communication you could turn this lad around

Are there other children in the house?

His mother has really let this boy down. Why didn’t your DP go to court to ensure contact? The adoption formalised his role in his life but it sounds like he couldn’t be bothered either and has also really let him down. Now his dad’s girlfriend (or boyfriend - I don’t want to assume) wants to kick him out. Poor kid.

Poor lad, he sounds broken. Please don't give up on him op.

I think he had a meltdown, he's probably embarrassed about the fact that he's messed up his life and it was a cry for help. Your DP is right he cannot abandon him. I think with some love and care, some ground rules like set out above and a frank chat that this is going to be really hard but you both believe he can change that he may well make it through. He's going to need a lot of support, both professional and from home, but hope is a wonderful thing and can really inspire young people. I've seen someone turn a young person around with a lot of support, and no judgement, just rules and love.

He was 13 by the time contact stopped and they would've taken what he wanted into account. Court wouldn't have helped. I've told DP I don't feel safe with him here but he hasn't listened

Why don't you feel safe with him there? He smashed Lego and ripped a poster - no big deal there!

Has he threatened you? Can you not understand why he's behaving like this?

Are you made of Lego op

Why don't you feel safe op? Are there other children living in your home?

As I said, his attitude after he smashed the lego. Although it was toward DP it was like something an abusive man would say to a partner.

I think it’s a bit disingenuous people asking OP why she doesn’t feel safe. There is a violently upset, man-sized (16 year old) teenager breaking things. Sometimes being violent to things escalated to being violent to people. Yes, clearly the poor child needs help, but gaslighting OP isn’t going to help.

OP talk to your DP about how you are feeling scared, and what you both can do to help in this situation, including getting some outside help.

That might include setting firm boundaries with SS, explaining that you love him, empathise with what is happening and want to help him, but that throwing and breaking things is not acceptable.

So, this boy's life is..

• born to an immature 17 year old girl
• no contact with his real father
• he's adopted by your DP who then splits up with his mother
• just before he starts secondary school his mum gets with a new man and he's yanked away from everything he knows to a new area 2.5 hours away
• his mum allows him not to go to school
• social services don't do anything
• his mum gets with a new man, declares she's done with him and palms him off on you

Jesus Christ, is it any wonder he has issues? The poor fucking kid. No wonder he's numbing himself with drugs or whatever and crying and saying he hates his life. He's been failed by everyone. Personally I would not respect my OH if he DIDN'T step up.

What a lot of old nonsense. He definitely did not “destroy his room”. Also, how do you think he managed to get hold of “something” when he hasn’t lived in your locale for 5 years?

"He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense"

Why does he hate his life? This is the kernel. He sounds really unhappy.

This child has been abandoned by his biological dad, his mum left the only dad he's know and moved him away, never enforced a routine and let school slip. He's slipped through the nets left, right and centre. Now his mam has a new boyfriend and has gone on holiday without him, sending him to live with a man he hasn't seen properly in years.
I guarantee that he believes every person he gets close to will abandon him, and so he pushes them away before they get a chance to. If he does it, then he is in control, and (believes he) won't feel disappointed when they inevitably leave.

What he needs is someone to prove that that isn't the case. Someone to put strong boundaries in place and still love him when he breaks them (because he will). Hell break them over and over again to push someone away. It's a self fulfilling thing.

This poor kid needs love and stability. It's really lovely that his dad is still trying

He didn’t destroy his room and given the shitty sounding life he has had with a terrible mum, no wonder he is struggling. And you and your partner sound quite shitty as well. He didn’t even bother with court? Even when he knew his son wasn’t being schooled and wasn’t being parented, he still didn’t even bother to go to court and fight for his child and fight to get him a better life with proper parenting? And now that the 16 year old is acting out because of the life you both left him in, you want to kick him out with nonsense about not feeling safe? Grow up.

It sounds as though he's been massively let down by his Mum, who has now pretty much abandoned him. He has no education so will have absolutely no prospects. I think you and your DH need to sit him down and talk to them, tell him you're there for him and you want to help him through this rough patch. Tell him he still has opportunities, he could go to college and study for English/maths or whatever and then go on to a course in something he enjoys. He needs support, not demonising. Him smashing the Lego isn't ideal but it's not the end of the world.

How long is he supposed to be staying with you? Is your partner taking time off to do things with him?

Poor kid. The years of sitting isolated at home won’t have helped anything. I think you need to adjust your expectations. He’s a young man who is likely to have a lot of issues and needs help. Can your DP pay for therapy for him? Would he go to school now? This could be a chance to change things.

How do you think people manage to get drugs when visiting a new country??
Ive no idea but they manage - my friends son managed to get coke all over the world no issues. (He’s clean now. Thank god).
If you know how to get drugs and you want them badly enough you know how to get them anywhere.