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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SS destroyed his room last night

211 replies

SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 18:35

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

OP posts:
summergin · 03/02/2026 00:37

Poor wain, he’s looking in every direction for an adult to love him, and each one he goes to lets him down. Without sounding too harsh from what you have stated, your reasons for feeling “unsafe” are ridiculous at best. If you don’t want him in your house due to feeling “unsafe” that’s fine but surely if you give one flying fuck about the child you’ve known since he was 8 you would agree DH should buy somewhere separate he lives with his son (adopted or not) to allow him a safe space he knows he’s wanted, loved and always wanted.

Gymnopedie · 03/02/2026 01:55

The main point is that the son doesn't want to be there. He decided at age 13 that he didn't want anything more to do with OP's DH. That may have been his genuine choice, feeling that his loyalty ought to be with his bio mum rather than his adoptive dad, or given that the ex caused a lot of problems for OP and DH when they got together it may have been his mum dripping things into his ear.

But he's been dumped with somebody he doesn't want to see by his mum who prioritises a holiday with her new man over her son. She's also said that she's 'done with him' so the expectation seems to be that he's his dad's problem now, not that this is a short term thing for the duration of the holiday.

The DH has tried. He's reported the school non attendance issue, he used to do a five hour round trip to see his son when they were still in contact. He doesn't want to abandon him now. But he's dealing with a very very angry young man whose mother has shoved him off to somewhere he doesn't want to be, with someone he doesn't want to be with.

Boundaries will mean nothing to him because he has no investment in the family. The DH parenting him will be met with hostility, resistance and non compliance. There is no overnight fix that one good heart to heart will resolve. And in the meantime he poses a threat to the OP and her children precisely because he's so angry he has no concern for anyone else.

I think if DH wants to try to be the parent this boy needs, it has to be away from the house and the others. OP and a baby shouldn't be put at risk.

nothanks2026 · 03/02/2026 02:29

Gymnopedie · 03/02/2026 01:55

The main point is that the son doesn't want to be there. He decided at age 13 that he didn't want anything more to do with OP's DH. That may have been his genuine choice, feeling that his loyalty ought to be with his bio mum rather than his adoptive dad, or given that the ex caused a lot of problems for OP and DH when they got together it may have been his mum dripping things into his ear.

But he's been dumped with somebody he doesn't want to see by his mum who prioritises a holiday with her new man over her son. She's also said that she's 'done with him' so the expectation seems to be that he's his dad's problem now, not that this is a short term thing for the duration of the holiday.

The DH has tried. He's reported the school non attendance issue, he used to do a five hour round trip to see his son when they were still in contact. He doesn't want to abandon him now. But he's dealing with a very very angry young man whose mother has shoved him off to somewhere he doesn't want to be, with someone he doesn't want to be with.

Boundaries will mean nothing to him because he has no investment in the family. The DH parenting him will be met with hostility, resistance and non compliance. There is no overnight fix that one good heart to heart will resolve. And in the meantime he poses a threat to the OP and her children precisely because he's so angry he has no concern for anyone else.

I think if DH wants to try to be the parent this boy needs, it has to be away from the house and the others. OP and a baby shouldn't be put at risk.

He poses zero threat according to the information given. Hyperbole is not your friend.

A weeping teenage boy threatening to smash up lego that he and his father had put together, and chucking a phone in his own room - despite you and OPs very best efforts to categorise him as an out of control Rebel without a Clue - simply does not, in any way, constitute a danger to anyone.

OP clearly dislikes him and wants nothing to do with him and still the very best she could come up with is that he tore up a poster and chucked his phone in his bedroom. She even had to justify the porn comment with "apparently" as she has not seen it herself and went on at some length about behaviours he has apparently engaged in - but not at her house, with his mother "apparently".

This is the absolute entirety of what he has done in OPs house since being dumped by his mother:

"He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood" (at this point OP speculates he had "taken something"). Around 2am he was in his room "crashing around" and he then threw his phone and ripped a poster before weeping and saying he hates his life.

He then slept and woke up nonchalant and with no aggression the next day.

So, no, his father can just parent him in his father's home if he chooses to, get him some therapy, show him love and boundaries. Since nobody has done a thing for him for years it is certainly worth trying anything at all.

You have no idea at all how he will react to being parented and loved and given boundaries and cannot in god faith make statements guessing the future.

If at some point the boy becomes a danger to anybody that can be addressed.

For now, he has not shown that he is a danger at all.

For now, he's just a sad and angry teenage boy who did had an argument with his father in his bedroom.

icequeenelsa · 03/02/2026 07:12

The narrative appears to be very different here depending what side of the fence you’re on. Those siding with op are rightly pointing out the other concerns - violent porn, racism (when op is non white), potential drug taking. Those labelling the boy as a poor, lost letdown teen are minimising and claiming all he’s done is ‘break a toy’. There is obviously a huge middle ground here that none of us can presume we know because we aren’t there witnessing this and we don’t really understand the history or dynamic.

But if op genuinely feels unsafe or uncomfortable in her home that’s not ok and she shouldn’t be vilified for it. Stepparents always get their arse handed to them on MN no matter how awful the child’s behaviour is.

WorriedRelative · 03/02/2026 08:40

OP, you and your DP need to get on the phone to social services now and get thos poor boy some help and support. Get him back in the system and get yourselves some support.

Talk to the GP too. Do what you can to get him into some form of formal education.

Barnbrack · 03/02/2026 13:15

SkinTotal · 02/02/2026 09:44

DP did drive 2.5 hours EOW to pick him up and drop him off, a 5 hour round trip in total sometimes longer if traffic etc and he only really spent the Saturday here so they weren't spending much time together, he did spend some holidays here but couldn't see him more because of school. I'm not sure where posters are getting that he just didn't bother to do the drive, because he did. Even after his mum refused to drive halfway and made it more difficult.

What you are describing, and seem to be suggesting is a lot for a father to do is bare basic bare minimum.

dreamiesformolly · 03/02/2026 13:48

Barnbrack · 03/02/2026 13:15

What you are describing, and seem to be suggesting is a lot for a father to do is bare basic bare minimum.

Show quote history

Ditto the mother, but it sounds like she can’t be arsed. Just saying.

Barnbrack · 03/02/2026 13:57

dreamiesformolly · 03/02/2026 13:48

Ditto the mother, but it sounds like she can’t be arsed. Just saying.

Show quote history

Absolutely, the poor kid has had an awful time. And her response is 'i don't know what we can be expected to do, we should just turf him out' well if not them, then who?

persephonia · 03/02/2026 14:55

Cerezo · 02/02/2026 06:33

What a sad situation. Poor kid. He feels like he is so fundamentally flawed that no adult in his entire life wants anything to do with him. And he’s right on that part but it’s the adults who should feel guilty, not him.

Honorable mentions to the people who think “using discord” goes in the same bucket as watching violent porn and taking drugs. Weirdos.

And in terms of “how could he score if he hasn’t been there in years” - take it from someone who knows (clean now, thankfully) the answer is very very very easily. White and green are EVERYWHERE. “But we live in a tiny village with one pub” ….. EVERYWHERE.

Using Discord isn't like taking drugs

However, I would not like my child using it as it is frequently used by people with bad intentions to groom children. Or you just have very unhealthy chats with lots of porn, weird conversations etc. completely unregulated spaces for teenagers and adults to mix a anonymously are inherently a bad idea.

However, it should be viewed the same way a 13 I(I think that was the age the OP said he was when he was caught) year old girl caught drinking or sneaking out or chatting to strangers online should be treated. I't should firmly be put a stop to, but because the child is vulnerable and a potential victim. Not viewed as evidence the child is "bad".

The mother seems to have failed to control or support him and used his spiralling issues as an early teen as a way to try to get sympathy for herself. His dad needs to take time of work or do whatever he needs to right things at this stage.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 03/02/2026 15:18

nothanks2026 · 03/02/2026 02:29

He poses zero threat according to the information given. Hyperbole is not your friend.

A weeping teenage boy threatening to smash up lego that he and his father had put together, and chucking a phone in his own room - despite you and OPs very best efforts to categorise him as an out of control Rebel without a Clue - simply does not, in any way, constitute a danger to anyone.

OP clearly dislikes him and wants nothing to do with him and still the very best she could come up with is that he tore up a poster and chucked his phone in his bedroom. She even had to justify the porn comment with "apparently" as she has not seen it herself and went on at some length about behaviours he has apparently engaged in - but not at her house, with his mother "apparently".

This is the absolute entirety of what he has done in OPs house since being dumped by his mother:

"He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood" (at this point OP speculates he had "taken something"). Around 2am he was in his room "crashing around" and he then threw his phone and ripped a poster before weeping and saying he hates his life.

He then slept and woke up nonchalant and with no aggression the next day.

So, no, his father can just parent him in his father's home if he chooses to, get him some therapy, show him love and boundaries. Since nobody has done a thing for him for years it is certainly worth trying anything at all.

You have no idea at all how he will react to being parented and loved and given boundaries and cannot in god faith make statements guessing the future.

If at some point the boy becomes a danger to anybody that can be addressed.

For now, he has not shown that he is a danger at all.

For now, he's just a sad and angry teenage boy who did had an argument with his father in his bedroom.

Edited
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What a load of misogynistic claptrap. He poses a threat because he has displayed unprovoked aggression, and blamed someone else for it - ‘look what you made me do’. Whether ‘apparently’ or not, the information that he watches violent porn and uses an unregulated website which is known to have been used for grooming came from his mother. Are you suggesting she just made it up ? He uses racist language - OP is non white, and OP suspects he drinks/uses drugs - so it’s not that she just doesn’t like him, she’s seen something that makes her feel unsafe.

And he didn’t just wake up the following day with no aggression. He completely denied that the previous days’ aggression had happened. OP doesn’t feel safe around him. The likelihood is that she will be left alone with him at some point because his dad works. He’s an unknown quantity.

We tell women all the time they shouldn’t allow their own boundaries to be compromised for the comfort of others. The issue here is not whether or not he poses an actual threat, but that OP perceives him as one. The notion that OP should just get on with it until ‘at some point he becomes a danger to somebody’ is batshit. Because the likelihood is that that somebody will be OP or her child.

icequeenelsa · 03/02/2026 15:22

DotAndCarryOne2 · 03/02/2026 15:18

What a load of misogynistic claptrap. He poses a threat because he has displayed unprovoked aggression, and blamed someone else for it - ‘look what you made me do’. Whether ‘apparently’ or not, the information that he watches violent porn and uses an unregulated website which is known to have been used for grooming came from his mother. Are you suggesting she just made it up ? He uses racist language - OP is non white, and OP suspects he drinks/uses drugs - so it’s not that she just doesn’t like him, she’s seen something that makes her feel unsafe.

And he didn’t just wake up the following day with no aggression. He completely denied that the previous days’ aggression had happened. OP doesn’t feel safe around him. The likelihood is that she will be left alone with him at some point because his dad works. He’s an unknown quantity.

We tell women all the time they shouldn’t allow their own boundaries to be compromised for the comfort of others. The issue here is not whether or not he poses an actual threat, but that OP perceives him as one. The notion that OP should just get on with it until ‘at some point he becomes a danger to somebody’ is batshit. Because the likelihood is that that somebody will be OP or her child.

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely agree with this. The reason this has even been a debate is because he is a child (getting towards the very late stages of childhood though let’s be honest) and op is a stepparent (who are almost always treated unsympathetically on MN).

Op isn’t wrong to feel unsafe and uncomfortable based on the information she’s shared and if this were any other dynamic the replies would have been so much different.

I do actually feel for the boy who clearly needs help and support. I hope his dad can provide this for him but it shouldn’t be at the expense of the op’s safety.

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