SS destroyed his room last night

[SkinTotal]

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

Are you seriously trivialising this as a strop?

No. It IS a strop. He smashed a lego building abd tired a poster.
Which many people do when they are 16.
I did similar at 16. Luckily im my parents bio child so they didn't throw me out on the street. Apparently its okay to massively iverreact if its just an adopted child??
Teenagers act up. Especially ones who have had a hard time
He hasnt hit anyone. He didn't break anything of value. He was crying.
Yes this was a strop.
Its not trivial because clearly this lad is struggling but to try to make him out to be some kind of terror that needs to leave is beyond understanding

It's OP's 'own home' too. If a 16-year-old was on drugs and behaving aggressively in a home with other, younger children in it I would absolutely be looking to remove them from that home if there wasn't immediate and significant changes to that behaviour. You can still be a parent and parent the child while at the same time acknowledging the dangers posed by said child. You do not have to accept any and all behaviour.

You're crying about the 16-year-old's feelings, what about the other children? And their safety?

Why are people acting like being a dad is optional?

That’s his son.

He has a huge responsibility towards him.

Just as much as his kids with OP.

No it isn’t his home, it’s somewhere his mother has dumped him so she can go on holiday with her latest squeeze. Contact stopped at 13 and the boy didn’t want anything to do with DP. And l haven’t said anything about him being biological or adopted. It’s irrelevant. My comment was from the point of view that the boy clearly represents a threat to OP and her children, and that her being made to feel unsafe in her own home is totally unacceptable. So many posters turning a blind eye to that is shocking.

It is a horrible situation OP and you have my sympathy. But also this is a child, your dp’s son and that child needs someone to step up and help him turn it around.

Your dp needs to prioritise his son who is in a crisis. If you feel unsafe, I’m sorry to say it but you might need to live separately for a while until this is resolved.

Could you live with giving up on him and the potential consequences? Would your dp be the man you thought he was if he didn’t prioritise his son? Are you going to force him to choose?

But he only broke a toy and ripped a poster, if an older sibling did that you wouldn't immediately jump to throwing then out! It needs dealing with but the reaction that he must leave instantly is too much. The streets would be overrun with teenagers if all parents threw them out on this basis!

If his dad lives there, it is one of his homes.

He dont feel he is loved or wanted any where he goes.
Living with you lot that are not even blood just a man thats been their on and off in his life.
He must feel awful.

What actual evidence is there that anyone in the house was at risk? What actual evidence is there he took drugs?
Hes upset and had a meltdown which is pretty understandable
I care about the boys feeling as many on this thread do because it seems every single adult in his life has taken leave of him and literally can't be bothered to deal with him. And that's so sad.

You would not be saying any of this if he was a bio child.
Teenagers sometimes shout and cry.
Those other children in the house are his half siblings legally.
I bet they'll come a point when they hit their teens when one or both of them have a meltdown. Slam doors, swear and cry.
Do you think for one minute op would be thinking of asking them to leave?

There's no evidence of risk to them. Was anything directed at them? No.
Utterly ridiculous.
If you have siblings you may occasionally hear them having a meltdown.
This is part of life its part of parenting.

It's so easy to sit in front of a computer screen and tell someone who's actually got an angry young man in her house destroying things, who she knows watched violent porn and thinks is taking drugs, that she should be feeling sorry for him and giving him a hug.

Oh, and that she's unreasonable to worry about her safety and that of her own children.

Yes, from the comfort of my safe sofa, I feel sorry for the SS too. He's clearly had an awful life. But right now, in her place I'd be feeling unnerved and concerned about my family's safety, too.

Bloody exactly!!
No way would anyone ask their own bio 16 year old to leave over this minor blow up.
Shocking that the OP expects her husband to do that to his child.

The kid is messed up and i can see why.
And now your online slagging him off to.

I don't think anyone has really mentioned the adoption thing except you? Maybe one pp who I think misunderstood. No one thinks he's less than, that's something you're desperately pushing...

Please pinpoint all the posts who said he was less than because he was adopted. If you can twist more than 2 I'll be surprised.

That's a false equivalence. This boy has chosen to not have any contact with his adoptive father for years. This isn't a kid who's always lived with them, who they love and who loves them, who they know like the back of their hand and consequently can try to make sense of his emotions and feel confident of who he is underneath.

This is a much less secure situation for all involved. For the lad who doesn't know his adoptive father well enough to trust him, and for the dad and OP to know how to respond and what he night do next.

He’s pushing boundaries to test dp. Stay firm and strong, reassuring him he’s wanted and loved. The further he pulls away, the more resolute you need to be, until he realises that you aren’t going anywhere and he can actually trust you.

I normally hate the phrase behaviour is communication, but this seems the most blindingly obvious example of this.
He needs stability and security and love.

And the drinking ? The suspicion that he is taking drugs ? Watching violent porn, spending time on discord ? Blaming DP for ‘making him’ damage his room and then denying it ever happened ? Massive red flags and you’re minimising them all and advising an OP that despite not feeling safe in her own home and worrying for her own kids safety, she should just suck it up because he was only having a ‘strop’. Words fail me.

This.

Poor boy sounds very unhappy and with good reason. I would do all I could to support him, whelp him feel loved and wanted.

It makes no difference, dh is the boy's dad and needs to take care of him and support him now.

Its implied. Because as another poster pointed out literally no one would be chucking a bio child out of their home for this

Not at the expense of OP and their other children he doesn’t. And of course it matters. The boy doesn’t know them, and they don’t know him, or what he may be capable of.

Op your kids perfect but him you want out on the streets.
I just cant get my head around anyone like you, you clearly dont like him.

You have no idear what its like growing up with people that dont like you and just wish you were not around, if anything went wrong, something happened the finger gets pointed at you.
I do because i was that kid.

This is his son. Maybe you need to live elsewhere for a while until the son settles into living with his dad?