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Original poster

SS destroyed his room last night

211 replies

SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 18:35

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 01/02/2026 20:27

He is a very angry young man. I wouldn’t feel safe around him, I’m sorry for his shit life but I wouldn’t trust him not to kill us in the night. He’d have to go.

nfjufg · 01/02/2026 20:29

CatamaranViper · 01/02/2026 20:17

This child has been abandoned by his biological dad, his mum left the only dad he's know and moved him away, never enforced a routine and let school slip. He's slipped through the nets left, right and centre. Now his mam has a new boyfriend and has gone on holiday without him, sending him to live with a man he hasn't seen properly in years.
I guarantee that he believes every person he gets close to will abandon him, and so he pushes them away before they get a chance to. If he does it, then he is in control, and (believes he) won't feel disappointed when they inevitably leave.

What he needs is someone to prove that that isn't the case. Someone to put strong boundaries in place and still love him when he breaks them (because he will). Hell break them over and over again to push someone away. It's a self fulfilling thing.

This poor kid needs love and stability. It's really lovely that his dad is still trying

This. Everyone has left him. So he behaves badly to test you, to get in first, to push you away, to repeat the pattern that really he doesn't want, but that unconsciously does want, because it's the familiar shit that he knows. It's a defence mechanism.

Soontobe60 · 01/02/2026 20:31

SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 20:08

As I said, his attitude after he smashed the lego. Although it was toward DP it was like something an abusive man would say to a partner.

Show quote history

This boy has had an horrendous life - his father wanted nothing to do with him, his mother left the only father figure he had known when he was young, she is clearly feckless when it comes to parenting, and has now swanned off with another bloke leaving him with your DH.
He hasn’t hit anyone, didnt damage the house, broke a toy and ripped a poster. Give him a break!

MakeItToTheMoon · 01/02/2026 20:31

It he watches “violent porn” I don’t blame you for feeling unsafe especially if you’re left alone with him. It’s not saying he will do anything but you have every right to feel the way you do. Your partner should take this into account without dismissing your concerns.

But he is also a teenage boy that’s been enabled to miss so many important years of school (how is this even allowed?!). He really needs help and his mother is not interested which is a shame!

savemetoo · 01/02/2026 20:32

A big well done to your DP who won't wash his hands of this child like everyone else seems to want to. His life has been royally fucked up by his mother, he's had no kind of stability and now she's washed her hands of him.

What you saw when he was crying was the real him, the rest is all an act - it's what he has to put on to try to protect what very little self esteem he has.

He currently doesn't even have the self esteem to take responsibility for what he's done, all he can do is blame someone else to try to protect himself. He really needs a lot of help not least due to the lack of any kind of education and and potential issues with drink and drugs.

If you don't feel safe with him right now then the best thing would be for your DP to get a place for the two of them so he can give him some stability and try to get him back on track.

He desperately needs to feel like he is somebody's priority.

greencheetah · 01/02/2026 20:32

Are there other children in the house?

Do you mean DSS mother has left him with you permanently or just for this holiday?

JLou08 · 01/02/2026 20:32

He has been abandoned by his mum and his biological dad. I'd cut him some slack and try and support him.

Tashaa · 01/02/2026 20:32

If you’ve got other kids I wouldn’t have him in the house

Badgerandfox227 · 01/02/2026 20:33

CatamaranViper · 01/02/2026 20:17

This child has been abandoned by his biological dad, his mum left the only dad he's know and moved him away, never enforced a routine and let school slip. He's slipped through the nets left, right and centre. Now his mam has a new boyfriend and has gone on holiday without him, sending him to live with a man he hasn't seen properly in years.
I guarantee that he believes every person he gets close to will abandon him, and so he pushes them away before they get a chance to. If he does it, then he is in control, and (believes he) won't feel disappointed when they inevitably leave.

What he needs is someone to prove that that isn't the case. Someone to put strong boundaries in place and still love him when he breaks them (because he will). Hell break them over and over again to push someone away. It's a self fulfilling thing.

This poor kid needs love and stability. It's really lovely that his dad is still trying

This post says it perfectly. What a poor boy, he’s had an awful start in life and must feel so unloved by everyone around him.

bitterexwife · 01/02/2026 20:39

I’d be suggesting to my (if I had one) husband to find the instructions to build the Lego online, print off, and give him and SS some private time to re-build it.
They need to rebuild their relationship and I’d be doing EVERYTHING I could to support a Husband I loved to make that happen.
poor kid broke down after smashing Lego and ripping poster because he’s sad. A very sad 16yr old boy.

sharkstale · 01/02/2026 20:44

bitterexwife · 01/02/2026 20:39

I’d be suggesting to my (if I had one) husband to find the instructions to build the Lego online, print off, and give him and SS some private time to re-build it.
They need to rebuild their relationship and I’d be doing EVERYTHING I could to support a Husband I loved to make that happen.
poor kid broke down after smashing Lego and ripping poster because he’s sad. A very sad 16yr old boy.

This is a good idea re the lego.

Nothing to add that others haven't already said. He had a meltdown, I feel for him. He obviously feels lost and like he has no control over his own life. He needs help, stability, and adults that care about him and consistently show up for him.

JudgeJ · 01/02/2026 20:46

itsthetea · 01/02/2026 18:59

So a child who has been abandoned by his mother at a very difficult age - a child who is screaming for security - you have a chance to help this child but it’s a small one because it sounds like his mother totally failed him

If the OP and her partner do succeed in sorting the boy out I would guarantee that his 'mother' would want him back as a cash cow.

ChattyCatty25 · 01/02/2026 20:53

SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 20:08

As I said, his attitude after he smashed the lego. Although it was toward DP it was like something an abusive man would say to a partner.

Show quote history

Don’t let them gaslight you, the lying afterwards and denying it happened is pretty twisted. Combined with his inability to take responsibility (look what you made me do), and his love of violent porn, he sounds like a very dangerous young man.

DreamTheMoors · 01/02/2026 20:53

Somebody needs to tell that kid ” You cannot make me stop loving you,” over and over and over again..

Poor little thing.

fouroclockrock · 01/02/2026 20:54

He doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. Poor boy. It will be very hard but there is hope. I appreciate of course that you are in shock and probably wondering how it all happened quite suddenly but that boy has had almost no support or stability in his life. Stupid mother still hasn’t grown up.

pteromum · 01/02/2026 20:56

nfjufg · 01/02/2026 20:13

So, this boy's life is..

  • born to an immature 17 year old girl
  • no contact with his real father
  • he's adopted by your DP who then splits up with his mother
  • just before he starts secondary school his mum gets with a new man and he's yanked away from everything he knows to a new area 2.5 hours away
  • his mum allows him not to go to school
  • social services don't do anything
  • his mum gets with a new man, declares she's done with him and palms him off on you
Jesus Christ, is it any wonder he has issues? The poor fucking kid. No wonder he's numbing himself with drugs or whatever and crying and saying he hates his life. He's been failed by everyone. Personally I would not respect my OH if he DIDN'T step up.

This, but I would add, doesn’t trust him in house and leaves him with your DH who he has not seen or had meaningful contact with for three years??

No wonder the poor guy is angry. Some real clear talking and boundaries needed.

he is 16. So you either open the door and work it out or you don’t.

But there needs to be clear rules, counselling, love and support.

I would actually go as far as saying that there is no benefit to seeing his mother at this time.

But, on the other hand this is a damaged “adult” who can vote and get married (Scotland).

I don’t know who else you have in your home but for me it would be the equivalent of one of my dc friends.

if you and DH don’t want, are not able, or not willing, to do this. Walk away now. Because the last thing he needs is another break down

stomachamelon · 01/02/2026 20:57

There are some hysterical responses on here.

Until recently I taught boys like this. You both need to get in touch with social services and engage with early help- they aren’t ‘useless’ as long as you engage.

Is he with you permanently or just while she is on holiday? SS would be able to help with local college courses, outreach, mentors etc. He is not beyond help but he has to want to engage.

You haven’t answered as to whether you have children?

He would get nurture and thrive amongst basic lessons at a PRU or SEN provision. Lots of older children ‘thrive’ once they go back to basics and fill in the gaps that are obviously missing. The damage he has done is to personal stuff so he is causing himself hurt and pain and is lost. That explains the tears…. What happens next for him?

Just depends if you are both going to commit to him?

Original poster
SkinTotal · 01/02/2026 20:57

Yes we have DC together. We did call SS when he wasn't going to school etc but she said he didn't like school and she was homeschooling him though I don''t know how often that was checked on if it was at all

By the time contact became less and stopped altogether he was12 and 13 so court wouldve taken his wants into account and listened to him. DP was hurt when he stopped wanting contact, he'd been in his life since before he and his mum even got together as from the moment his mum was pregnant with him, his bio dad wanted nothing to do with them although I don't think he would've had a positive impact on him because he was constantly in trouble with the police etc. We kept his things in his room even though it was used as a spare room at times.

His mum has gone away for about 10 days. And yes according to her he watches violent porn and uses discord and things like that. She made DP talk to him last year. They did over face time but SS hung up halfway through because it was “weird” and he “wasn't listing to anything DP said”.

I don't know where he would've got drugs from, possibility he brought them with him who knows... But he wasnt acting normal and I don't think it was just drunk either

OP posts:
Crystalovertherainbow · 01/02/2026 20:58

your partner is his legal father. Let him help him ....it is between men, hopefully will work. The boy did not cry and said things which are nonsense. He hates his life - this is a real revelation

Thoseslippers · 01/02/2026 20:59

Come on. That's your partners child. Saying you dont feel safe is a massive exaggeration. He smashed some lego and got upset. He didn't threaten you.
Hes 16. And from the sounds of it has been massively neglected.
You shouldn't be putting pressure on literally the only stable parent figure in his life to also get rid of him. Thats awful.

CelticSilver · 01/02/2026 21:00

How old are the other children in the house?

Driftingawaynow · 01/02/2026 21:00

similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

stop projecting this onto him, he is a distressed child having a scene with his dad. If you continue to tell yourself stories like this you going to make a difficult situation intolerable. Contact CAPA first response or another organisation that specialises in dealing with child to adult aggression and please stop pouring petrol on the fire by exaggerating, he didn’t smash his room and from the sounds of it You have no evidence of drug taking

Lifeomars · 01/02/2026 21:04

I was expecting to read that he had up-ended his bed, punched holes in the door and thrown stuff out of the window at the very least, not broken a lego model and ripped a poster! He sounds sad, angry and lost.

StCustardsThirdEleven · 01/02/2026 21:05

nfjufg · 01/02/2026 20:13

So, this boy's life is..

  • born to an immature 17 year old girl
  • no contact with his real father
  • he's adopted by your DP who then splits up with his mother
  • just before he starts secondary school his mum gets with a new man and he's yanked away from everything he knows to a new area 2.5 hours away
  • his mum allows him not to go to school
  • social services don't do anything
  • his mum gets with a new man, declares she's done with him and palms him off on you
Jesus Christ, is it any wonder he has issues? The poor fucking kid. No wonder he's numbing himself with drugs or whatever and crying and saying he hates his life. He's been failed by everyone. Personally I would not respect my OH if he DIDN'T step up.

Oh dear lord this is so similar to my OH’s childhood it’s uncanny.

Are you a professional in this kind of area? You should be. ❤️

Chumpsaway · 01/02/2026 21:06

No-one has asked for this god awful situation - not least this poor boy. Your DP is a good man, please see that he is very much this lad's only chance for a better life. I would say he is not a lost cause, very far from it if he is opening up and saying he hates his life. He is screaming out for help.

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