SS destroyed his room last night

[SkinTotal]

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

100% this .

That lads life has been trauma after trauma and even if it was his mums choice to leave your husband and move away, that was still trauma for him.
We foster and yes kids can show aggression and be violent, which IS scary and if you haven't experienced its easy to say 'why would you be sacred?' so I totally get that but please realise that is coming from A CHILD who is upset, confused and angry and has every right to be. His brain is still a child's and has another 9 yrs to go before fully formed at 25yrs.

Kids believe they are inherently bad in these situations. They believe that it is because they are 'bad' that no-one sticks around for them. Ive heard many say 'what's wrong with me that makes people leave/not bother?'

Although older they will probably behaving at a much younger emotional age than their actual age.

The aggression is a challenge to see how you will react/what you will, a 'I'll push you away BEFORE you choose yo abandon me, cos thats what everyone does'. To me the lego set was very significant. This is something special to him, represents a good memory with your husband so by threatening, and then smashing it, hes self sabotaging a positive thing and his relationship with DH.

He needs lots of support and care from uour DH and you. Is the plan for him to stay with you? If his mum is 'done with him'? Is the new partner refusing to have him? Can uou imagine what that does to a kid ?? He probably has no idea as to what is happening and what happens when his mum and new partner get back from their holiday . That must be SO SCARY for him regardless of how tough and angry he is behaving.

DP did drive 2.5 hours EOW to pick him up and drop him off, a 5 hour round trip in total sometimes longer if traffic etc and he only really spent the Saturday here so they weren't spending much time together, he did spend some holidays here but couldn't see him more because of school. I'm not sure where posters are getting that he just didn't bother to do the drive, because he did. Even after his mum refused to drive halfway and made it more difficult.

The poisoned food thing is something that I've experienced with an adult who has severe MH issues as a result of childhood neglect and abuse. I think it is related to paranoia (possibly caused or worsened by drugs) and trying to have some control because they feel so out of control. I would just ignore it and suggest he prepares and eats some toast, if he doesn't feel comfortable eating the food you prepared.

That being said, your partner needs to refer his son to social care in your area. You all need support to be able to help him. He needs specialist interventions and having social care involved and a social worker should make it a bit easier to get those in place.

You might find reading some of Sarah Naish's books on Therapeutic Parenting helpful. They are aimed at foster and adoptive parents. Also, there are a series of books that I found helpful, for example:

https://amzn.eu/d/17tEenj

OP wherever absent or step parents are involved, if you don’t specify, people will make things up to fill in the gaps. MN hates step parents and by default every absent father is a deadbeat.

You need to get your partner on board with the fact that you don’t feel safe with this boy. Yes, he has a duty to him as his father, but he also has a responsibility towards you and your shared child. He needs to sort out some kind of safeguarding strategy and make sure you and your child are never left alone with the lad, until you both get to know and understand him a lot more. At the moment he’s an unknown quantity and is displaying some huge red flags behaviour wise.

MN would generally never advise a woman to accept being around a man who makes her feel unsafe. Your situation is no different and you’re titled to have your boundaries respected. I hope you and your DP manage to find a solution.

Agree. I’m hiding this thread now because l simply can’t believe the lack of concern for OP’s entirely reasonable worries about a boy who is a totally unknown quantity, and displaying huge red flags that would provoke cries of LTB if he were a partner. OP doesn’t feel safe around him. That’s the top and bottom of it. Posters are minimising her concerns and effectively telling her she should put her own safety and that of her child to one side and welcome this aggressive and clearly disturbed adolescent into her home without question. It’s batshit.

She didn’t accept a disturbed and aggressive young man being dumped on her doorstep and then being forced to share her home with him, while having her concerns about the safety of herself and her child completely dismissed. Interesting that you think his father abandoning this boy is horrific, but you’d have no problem with him abandoning his wife and other child in order to prioritise him.

The crux of the matter here is not that OP wants rid of him it’s that she doesn’t feel safe around him. And that concern is being massively minimised here. MN tells women every day that they should advocate for themselves and shouldn’t compromise their own boundaries to accommodate the comfort of others. Yet this is exactly what she’s being asked to do here. If this was a partner displaying these behaviours, posters would be shouting LTB from the rooftops. Why is this any different ? A sixteen year old can be as big and strong as a fully grown adult and just as capable of abuse or aggression, which is clearly OP’s concern. What’s horrific is the shitty advice for her to just put up and shut up.

It’s not a young ma
its a child

if a mother had to chose between her husband and her child you would tell her to chose the child every time

I mean I certainly will wait to see the threads where posters come on to tell us about their daughter's experiences at school at the hands of such a young man (sorry, child of course, baby that needs a cuddle) whereby he is violent, aggressive, paranoid etc and hear about how he really isnt a problem, has had a hard life, shouldnt be excluded or even kept away from their daughters at school, he only threw something, he didnt attack someone, other students just need to understand, make friends with him, not reject him, be in his friendship group (has he got friends?)

And before the predictable - 'its not the same, OP is an adult and married to his father' - yes of course, but she is scared of him and doesnt want to be around him. She has that right, just like anyone coming into contact with him. She isnt his mother.

Father needs to try to support him but equally this young man and he is a young man, needs to want to engage. He doesnt sound like he does, cries of 'get therapy' are so misguided, he doesnt want that, he doesnt want or cant respond to 'parenting' therapeutic or otherwise.

I agree. If OP has other children, which she has, or feels unsafe herself, then they are her priorities. If it’s not safe, then he needs to either change, with professional help, or be sent back to his useless birth mother.

Do you have any other children in your home?

Your partner sounds like a good man. This boy needs stability and support and guidance. That doesn't mean that it isn't hard.

I know he's not been engaging with school at all, is he registered with a school at all or someone in education? Social services? I just think you could do with some support from people with Trauma Informed training, some guidance, and I think ideally some training for you and your partner so you can be well equipped with strategies and a shared approach.

He's had an awful experience so far, no stability or routine or boundaries. You and your partner have the opportunity to be there for him to make him feel safe and help him to find some direction.

He's also a teenage boy with all those hormones and feelings raging around in him. And it sounds like he's got a lot to be angry about. It's hard when it's at you but you could make a huge difference to this lad's life.

The drugs are a concern, he could be at risk of getting tangled up in county lines stuff and all sorts so I'd definitely seek as much help from professionals as possible.

Would he be interested in joining a gym or a boxing club? I know physical activity helps my boys to better regulate emotionally and get frustrations out in a safe way, gain positive male role models outside of family, feel good about themselves for physical progress etc.

Agreed.

Poor boy and thank goodness your partner isn't giving up on him unlike you and his mum.

You say he didn't make much sense but he did say he hated his life. That's all you need to hear. The poor soul needs proper help, patience and loads of love. I'm glad his dad is there.

There's lots of black and white thinking on here.

I think I'd feel scared of this boy too. He is behaving disruptively and antisocially. He is clearly very dysregulated and that makes him unpredictable, especially coupled with booze and/or substances.

He is however also very vulnerable and he has been catastrophically let down. I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to suddenly be able to behave calmly. He (currently) has no future and his mum has rejected him, and he will be aware of both of these things. Given he's had zero education in the last 5 years, and that his mum clearly has her own emotional problems, I think this boy is exactly how any of us should expect him to be. I'd imagine for him seeing his dad's happy family life is quite painful.

If I was OP I'd suggest partner takes emergency leave to spend time with his son for a few days. Very ideally going somewhere with him where they can be active, boys share things and talk when they are walking/doing things. Alternatively I'd take my DC to visit grandparents or even stay in a premier inn for a few days to give them space.

He is both a big young man and is also a boy who needs to know his place in the world.

This

I can’t believe how many people are minimising the op feeling unsafe due to a violent and unrepentant 16-year-old boy! I wouldn’t feel safe either.

Not a valid comparison. The ‘chlld’ in question is a 16 year old male, who may be as big and strong as a fully grown adult man and just as capable of inflicting physical harm. He’s displayed aggressive tendencies, drinks, watches violent porn and possibly takes drugs. He clearly doesn’t take responsibility for his actions - ‘look what you made me do’. Huge red flags. OP’s husband works, so her and her child are going to be left alone with him at some point. She doesn’t want that as she doesn’t feel safe with him. She’s entitled to have those concerns taken seriously and not be asked to compromise her own safety to accommodate the needs and wants of others. It’s disturbing that you can’t see the difference.

He is 16, he is not an adult- ground him- he can’t go out and get drunk/do drugs then, limit your internet so it blocks certain websites, once he is ungrounded put a curfew in place, there is no way i would allow my 16 year old to come home at 2am, if he breaks curfew he is grounded again, he clearly is in need of some structure and boundaries which he will hate at first but will subconsciously realise that you care about him enough to enforce them, as for you not wanting him in your home i understand why you would feel a bit unsafe but tred carefully- you will basically be asking your dh to choose between his son and you.

The partner adopted him, that makes him his son. So this kid has not been to school since year 7, how did you partner let that happen?

Wow- everyone has let him down.

But the 16 year old is his son, why did adopt him if he wasn't prepared to be a parent. The partner has to do something and it has to be better than what he's done so far!!

I don't doubt he has MH issues etc but I don't see that we can help him

What have you, or rather his dad, actually tried? Has he sought professional support for his son and/or himself how to parent a child so desperately in need? That would be the minimum starting point that should have been initiated 3-4 years ago when the issues started.

I know hes the husbands son, did you mean to quote me, I didnt say otherwise.

Lol. He broke some lego and cried. No reason to assume he's a danger to anyone. If that changes that can be addressed appropriately.

What you meant to say was you cannot believe the OPs callous lack of concern for a 16 year old boy as she's hoping his father dumps him, like his mother did.

Oh no wait he threatened to break the lego, threw his phone, tore a poster and cried while saying he hated his life. After his mother dumped him again.

Get to fuck with your bullshit concerns.

He's also accused OP of poisoning his food, and refused to eat.

He is unpredictable and clearly has mental health issues or drug related issues.

Yes, what he seems to have been through is tragic, and OP 's husband will need to do what he can (though what's possible during a ten day stay is highly debatable).
But those things do not make OP unreasonable to be anxious about the family's safety.

Nope, he's not unpredictable, it's totally predictable to start crying and have an argument with your dad when your mum dumps you, aged 16. He's behaving like an upset teenager and that is all.

And if he has drug or mental health concerns it's his father's job to address that. And that's an if because OP tried so very very hard to make him sound as awful and wild as she could and he still just sounded like an upset teen.

There is absolutely nothing, nada, not one word to suggest he's a danger to her or her child. If that changes, the approach changes.

She just cannot be arsed with him. But that is not her choice to make on behalf of his father.