SS destroyed his room last night

[SkinTotal]

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

So you’ve got kids? If your kid at 12 years old said they didn’t want to see you anymore, and had another adult to go and stay with, would that be it for you then? You wouldn’t bother with court or mediation or anything? You’d just say, “ah well, the court will take what they say into consideration so I won’t bother.”

This boy has had no adult ever actually try. Your husband just didn’t bother, even when knowing how bad his situation was. Now you want to kick him out. At least you and your husband are perfect for each other.

It was disgusting that your DP dared him to do it. He did play a part in the outcome. The GP can help with referrals and there's information on the NSPCC website. If things escalate it's appropriate yo phone the Police.

@SkinTotal your Dp adopted him so he is his dad- your post makes it sounds like you see DSS as less than as he’s not bio related. He is clearly struggling. He’s your Dp’s son and needs help- are you asking on here what help to give? It sounds like you just want rid of him.

This is heartbreaking. Poor lad, feeling unwanted. As for phone etc hardly smashing up a room. He needs love and security.

Some really shitty comments on here. Op has every right to feel safe in her own home. 16 year old boys can be big and strong, any act of aggression is unacceptable. This kid isn’t biologically related to either the op or her dh and while it’s admirable that her dh maintained contact with him, he doesn’t ‘owe’ anything. I feel sorry for the lad but he needs to learn how to behave.

Take him, get him a decent adolecent therapist to work through years of neglect and confusion.

He needs care, help and love, not judgement and anger.

You’re speaking about him as if he had been violent towards you, rather than throwing a bit of a tantrum in his own room. Saying you are scared of him after one visit where he has been upset is severely disingenuous. Just because you don’t fancy having him around, don’t make a teenage boy who’s been let down by everyone around him sound like a monster for throwing his own Lego model and ripping a poster.

Of course he owes him something!! He adopted him FFS! He's his legal guardian! You can't just dump a child you adopted!

So he’s 16, a school refuser, watches violent porn and spends time on discord. He’s shown aggression by damaging stuff in his room, followed by ‘ look what you made me do’ and the following day denies it ever happened. Oh, and he drinks, and OP suspects he takes drugs. OP has other children in the house, and you don’t think this boy represents a threat to any of them ? And whether he is or isn’t a threat is beside the point. OP doesn’t feel safe in her own home and her DP refuses to listen to her concerns.

Yes, he's a hurt child but there is a lot more here. Drinking, possibly drugs, and I'm thinking he might have got into some really dark stuff online. Brushing all this off as 'boy gets upset and has tantrum' helps no one, including the boy himself.

He sounds in very deep pain. He needs love, sympathy and understanding, but also boundaries and consequences. The rest of us have to live by them, and glossing over a traumatised kid's bad behaviour doesn't address the issue in any way whatsoever.

Having said all that, I do agree with pp who said he needs to hear that he is loved.

This

Dont we empower women to ensure that they are not unsafe and forced to put up with situations for other peoples sake?

I think the husband and his son should move out to an airbnb or hotel for the 10 day holiday.

@icequeenelsa its not ‘admirable’ it’s his responsibility!!! He adopted him, he is his father ffs

This as well

And I love the suggestions for therapy, he really sounds like he would engage doesnt he!!!

Her dh adopted him.

her dh does owe the child.

teenagers are adult sized. But they are still capable of toddler style meltdowns. I used to teach in a secondary school and I’ve seen a few.

they can look scary (full sized person crying and running and shaking etc). But once you’ve seen a couple you realise they are just kids inside there.

teenage boys in particular. They look like men. But they can be incredibly emotionally fragile and need support.

this boy clearly needs support. I can understand why you don’t feel safe - so discuss with your dh how to handle the situation next time.

I know this is MN and anyone can post but this is why asking on here is a mistake, OP. Misinformed, weird takes on the situation have created some truly odd posts. Not least the dismissal that a 16-year old cannot be physically intimidating or violent - and that loss of control in an argument isn't a cause for concern regardless of whether it was 'just lego'. When he clocks DH or OP on the nose everyone will cry they should have acted sooner.

Also, the classic you just need to 'sit down with him, tell him no more drugs and go to school' and all will be solved.

He's clearly in need, there's clearly a lot of work to do here, and it's clearly a risky situation to have him in your home. Don't take advice on how to proceed from anyone on here.

you married a decent man. Try to help this young man.

You need to extend your arms to this kid.its going to be very hard but it seems you are his only hope.
Keep trying.
Hes no the only teen to take drugs, get angry or throw something. Its not ideal but he's not completely off the rails, yet.
You can't commit to adopting someone then walk away when it gets a bit tough so your DH should make him the priority for a bit, just as any decent parent would for their child.

He adopted him!! He is the legal guardian!! Yes he does 'owe' the chold (although that's a sickening way to look at it whst is wrong with you)

My own children would be my priority. Another act of aggression or drugs anywhere near the house and I’d be taking them elsewhere or asking DH to take his older son somewhere. And of course you and the other kids have a right to feel safe in your own home. This boy has had an awful childhood but it’s not your fault anymore than it’s his. At his age my brothers were both 6 foot 3 and twice as wide as my mum.

OP has concerns for the safety of her and their other children while this boy is there, and with good reason. I don’t think it’s the mark of a decent man to dismiss them out of hand.

The thing is, your partner is his dad and it sounds like he is pretty much the only one who is ever going to be there for him. It won't be an easy fix, he will need a lot of help, maybe counselling etc, but as a father he cannot simply.abandon his son, just as you would not abandon your children. Has your dh spoken to social services about what options there are to help him?

That's his home too. He is legally her husbands child.
If your child had a strop would you chuck them out at 16? For watching porn or saying things you didn't agree with? No. You'd parent them. BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARENT.
This is such a disgusting view that this child is somehow disposable because he's not a bio child
Absolutely awful. No wonder the kid is acting up.
Imagine this was you at 16.. if you have any empathy at all.. how would you feel being treated like a random intruder in your own home? An optional extra by your own legal guardian?

OP didn’t adopt him though, and she doesn’t feel safe with him there - not to mention there are other children in the house.

Completely wrong. When he adopted him he became his father, just as much as a biological father would be.

If shes married to his father then she accepted that when she married.
She can't just pretend she didn't.
She can leave if she wants but acting like her husband is somehow at fault for not abandoning his child is horrific