SS destroyed his room last night

[SkinTotal]

dP has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He isn't his bio dad, his mum gave birth when they were teens (17) and DP has been in his life since then and eventually adopted him. His dad has never been involved.

We got together when he was around 8, he still had regularly contact although ex was jealous of the new relationship (even though she left DP) and caused issues. Then she ended up meeting a new man and relocated 2.5 hours away just before he started secondary school. She refused to travel halfway so DP did this EOW, he was looking at renting a place there so he could have him during school time but it wasn't feasible with finances so he only saw him at weekend and holidays. When he was 12, his attitude changed and we thought it was typical moody teen etc but he started refusing to come as often and eventually stopped altogether at 13.

We found out he wasn't going to school and his mum was letting him do whatever and we did report to SS but nothing came of it. DP sent presents for birthdays and Christmas and money but he refused to see him which did hurt DP.

Things seemed to have got worse over the years, heshould be in Y11 but he hasn't been since the first term of Y7, he makes racist comments, stays out til all hours drinking and smoking, apparently he's always on his phone and discord and watching violent porn somehow he got around the ban. His mum has contacted DP and he told her to contact early help and apparently they were useless. This was last year. DP had been trying to see him regularly but he refuses to do anything with him

She's now with another man and has gone away with him and wanted her son to come here as she doesn't trust him and he isn't invited on the holiday, he came here Friday night as she was going on holiday yesterday and she's “done with him”

He spent the day yesterday asleep until 3pm, he then went out at about 9pm and came back a few hours later in a mood, I'm pretty sure he'd taken something, not just drank. This was about 2am so DP went into his room and told him to be quiet as he was crashing around. He threw his phone at the wall and then picked up a lego set that he and DP had built together in the past and threatened to smash it, saying he hated DP etc. dp just stood there and don't him to do it. He did and after he was saying “now look what you made me do” “this was your fault” similar to what an abusive man would do to their partners.

He also ripped a poster up. But after that he seemed to calm down started crying and saying he hated his life and other rambling that weren't making much sense. He eventually fell asleep and today he's been totally nonchalant and said none of it happened. We're lying etc

I really don't think he should stay but DP Says he's his dad and can't just abanon him like his mum has and I know he likely does have some issues whether its MH or other.

OP says he went out and had been drinking, and she suspected he had been taking drugs. So she witnessed something in his behaviour that led her to that conclusion. The crux of the matter is not that he isn’t a bio child. It’s that neither OP nor her DP really know him, or whether the aggression he’s displayed so far will escalate, and more importantly OP is nervous of him and considers him a threat. She’s entitled to have that treated seriously and to be allowed her boundaries.

It isn’t her child. Why should she feel unsafe in her own home? Racist, homophobic, drug taking, violent, watches violent porn - would you be ok with someone else’s child acting this way around you and your kids? His own mother wasn’t.

Why are you minimising the behaviour? Op ‘must be exaggerating’ because she doesn’t want an angry young man in her home who barely knows her or even her dh at this point? Clearly someone needs to help him but I don’t blame op at all for feeling concerned about the whole setup. She has kids too.

Why is it strange ? The contact stopped at 13 and the boy wanted nothing to do with DP. Suddenly he’s dumped on their doorstep and OP is expected to play happy families, despite not knowing him and not feeling safe around him ?

No he isn't her child, but he is her husband's child and he absolutely does owe his son something.

She can dump her husband because of his child if she likes but she can't just dump his son for him.

I used to think this about my DS's behaviour and thought he might have a personality disorder. He's now 23 and he's completely different. He's autistic and currently not doing anything but he really is considerate and sweet most of the time. So don't write him off...that's just immature behaviour that some men never grow out of.

It's back to front.
Abusive men often sound like children. "Look what you made me do" is an attitude a small child has when they get so frustrated they can't control their emotions but also can't properly place the source of their actions as being internal. It's a locus of control thing. Adult men who use that language are either doing it to manipulate, or lacking a key part of emotion/empathy. Either way it's not the role of partners to help them through it, and it's not really possible for them to either because the dynamics are wrong

But for children (and a 16 year old is still a child) it is something that the adults in their lives can help them through. It's part of setting firm boundaries and stability. He hasn't had those properly and is hurting so he's acting like a much smaller child in an almost grown man's body.

I wouldn't dismiss the OP.as being wrong to not feel.safe. I don't like men shouting angrily and throwing things and 16 year olds are often as big as men and as loud. But I do think she needs to let her partner, who is the boys father figure, take the lead on managing him. He is likely less threatened because he is bigger and stronger and what the lad needs is someone who loves him unconditionally to contain and care for him.

That doesn't mean you don't get to set ground rules.

'A male' ... thats her husbands 16 year old child.

Maybe if he'd felt wanted his wishes would have been different.

You say a lot about what his mum's done wrong while even at the most fatherly I put she was still doing all the parenting 12/14 days.

And you're calling throwing a phone and ripping a poster tearing up his room? I've a 7 yr old with ADHD who has done worse when struggling.

“like something an abusive man would say to a partner” or something a young adult would say who’s finally grown up and realised how badly he’s been let down and neglected?!

This poor kid has absolutely nothing going for him and no future. He needs unconditional love and support and guidance on how to grow up and build a life for himself somehow.

Which is why I said the best option would be for her dh to move out with him for the time being but I can’t imagine that being a great long term solution either.
The op and her dh need to have really strong words with the boy about his behaviour and set clear boundaries. Make it clear that if there is any aggressive behaviour, damage, whatever in the house then he will have to leave. I know what typical teenagers are like, I have one. But it sounds like his mum has washed her hands of him and his making his behaviour the op’s problem.

I don’t care who he is. He’s a male who makes OP feel unsafe. And with good reason. Many boys of this age are bigger and stronger than their parents and something about his demeanour makes her afraid for her safety. The minimisation of that on this thread is shocking.

TBF I had to, as a teenager, share a house with a "male" who was angry and prone to outbursts , threatening violence etc. he was only a year older than me so technically a child but it's still scary and threatening when someone much bigger than you is raging away. The difference is he was given no boundaries at all. He was always calmed down from his ranting by being taken to buy cigarettes/given money so it of exacerbated the problem. And ultimately ruined hisife

That's why, whilst I think the OP should let her partner help the boy, I do think an important part of that help is boundaries. In the moment that can mean just standing there calmly while he rages as sometimes meeting the energy doesn't help. But he does need to be taught. In the same way that toddlers are taught to control themselves. You don't just give them what they want because it's normal for toddlers to tantrum.

That's probably me projecting though because from the OP the husband sounds quite on the ball with what the boy needs. If he just started plaatsing endlessly.to avoid confrontation is when I would think about alternative arrangements.

So you admit he owes his son something and he's not just a random he owes nothing to?

I never said he was a random. He adopted him so clearly has some obligations. However if I’m being really honest, I would struggle to welcome with open arms a child that wasn’t biologically mine who hasn’t wanted to see me in years and was acting like this.
The key point here is that the op doesn’t feel safe with him around. I actually feel for the dh he is in a shit position.

Well we don't have enough information to really know, but if it just the 16 month old baby, they could very easily go away for a few days with op while things settle down.

He's there for ten days. His father has to work. That is not conducive to camping trips and restorative parenting.

Dad definitely should not be heading off to work and leaving you to deal with this. He may have to take some time off.

actually, how is the son even able to be there? Doesn’t he have school?

I do agree that the dad should not be leaving OP to deal with this. He needs to book some family leave off work to spend some time transitioning his son into the new environment

Agree. The lad didn't choose to come to his dad's and has been dropped off for an undetermined length of time, but it could just be 10 days and this isn't fixable by DP if he doesn't want to be there and doesn't end up coming back.

You know deep down this IS because he's not a bio child

It's really nothing to do with that. You seem to be blinded by it, but no one else is. In fact many, many posters have explicitly confirmed his unshakeable position as DH's son.

This isn't going to last 'a few days'

Your DP can take emergency dependants leave, compassionate leave or unpaid leave.

He's clearly traumatised and neglected, especially if he says he hates his life. Your DP needs to look into therapeutic parenting.

You’ve got your baby to look after, don’t agree to DH going out, to work or anywhere else, leaving you with his son. If he tries to you need to get the baby and go out first. You are not responsible for looking after this angry distressed teenager.

Your concerns are valid and you have a toddler to think about and put first.
An unrelated male taking drugs and watching porn is a clear danger to you and your child when your husband is not around.
That rules it out for me.

The teenager needs to return home or be placed in care if his mother is not willing or able to look after him. He's already dropped out of school and unlikely to ever return. If there was no other child involved I might take a different approach but the toddler is your main concern.